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Never Knew
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Hi,
I never knew what co- dependant meant. Six years clean and sober I started to hate alcoholics and addicts. The one on the top of the list was Wayne. I did not like me.
My wife wwas a member of Al-Anon, and she mentioned some members hated their Alcoholics. I asked her if I could attend a meeting. She said I qualified. I was affected by someones drinking.
Throug my tears I walked into the meeting. I said--- I hate alcoholics -- can you help me. The old girls said -- Pull up a chair.
That was the beginning of me realizing how the alcoholism and addiction in the home where I was raised, affected my whole life, perceptions, and survival skills.
WOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Time to unlearn and relearn.
Wayne

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Thanks, Wayne.  I've heard of dual winners:  AA & Alanon etc....  I come from an Alcoholic household(dad left when I was 4) and struggled through life until I hit AA.  Going to counseling when I was a young child they would always bring my father leaving when I was young.  But I never could grasp what it all meant. 

I was doing good working the AA program and still continue to work it, but I've recently started to struggle with relationship & codependent tendencies @ 3 years sober.  This on the heals of calling off the divorce of my wife and trying to work things out.  Going to counseling etc...... 

My Sponsor feels the AA program is complete, but I often wonder if hearing things from a different group or different side of things would be beneficial for my overall growth?  I've always struggled with fear of: abandonment, being alone, future & losing the people around me.  Along with all the typical traits low self esteem, never fitting in etc......  Family of origin issues?  Can anyone relate to this?



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MikeB it sounds a lot like my story. Dad was in the Navy and qone most of time. Parents divorced when I was 9yo. Mother was a daily drunk. I was more or less an only child. Had a lot of fear and started smokinq and drinkinq at at 8/9. I clunq to my friends and qirl friends and, lookinq back, made lots of rules about them. Those "rules" are text book coda characteristics.

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Dean


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Hey There, Im very glad this board is Finlay up. I definitely need help with my recovery, and I believe this is just the thing. I been in a relationship for almost five years that probably should have ended almost five years ago. I have sold my self out in small pieces to keep it going, and accept things that are unacceptable to me, but keep working at it anyway. I been going to alanon for around a year because she is an alcoholic thats been coming to AA ( thats where I met her ) for years, had almost a year when I met her, and almost a year another time in our relationship, but wont get more then a month, month and a half over the last two years. Im out of my mind at times, and and cant stand the merry go round any longer. I am like the perpetual newcomer in AA with this relationship, and am often ashamed that I love this woman. I am learning a few things in alanon, and am trying to mold them with what I know in AA, but I think what I know in AA hinders it because I have become the  " I know guy " at times , and if I knew, I wouldnt be so jammed up with this codependent thing. I want to run as far away from her as I can get, but then need to know everything she is doing..I yell at her to get out of my life and then say where are you going as she leaves.. its not a pretty picture,and it goes both ways. It is the most wacked thing I ever have experienced being sober. If I dont do something about it, i gonna drink again. ( not looking for one or even close now, but its just a matter of time )  and I cant let that happen. I looked for coda meetings here in Reno, there aint non, so this board is very welcome to me, thank you John for getting it up and running and all who are participating on it. Looking forward to new levels of that 4th dimension with you all.

-- Edited by billyjack on Wednesday 2nd of March 2011 03:13:10 PM

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"Sometimes the lights are all shining on me - other times I can barely see - Lately its occurred to me - what a long strange trip its been."   Robert Hunter 



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billyjack wrote:

I want to run as far away from her as I can get, but then need to know everything she is doing..I yell at her to get out of my life and then say where are you going as she leaves..

-- Edited by billyjack on Wednesday 2nd of March 2011 03:13:10 PM



Wow, does this sounds familiar to me... I have been getting on and off the merry go round with my addict husband...we are separated but i keep going back and pretending like everything will be fine.  I kicked him out and he moved back home and I kept calling to find otu where he was...see if maybe he was drinking...telling him i'm worried about him, etc.  Major relapsing...i am hopefully back on the wagon...glad you are here, billyjack,  and grateful for this new board...

sharyn

 



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Dean,
Can you explain or give some general examples of:  I clunq to my friends and qirl friends and, lookinq back, made lots of rules about them. Those "rules" are text book coda characteristics.  I feel I did/do this too and I'm trying to figure out what those rules may have been?

Billyjack/Sharon- I feel the same way at times.  I was ready to get off the merry go round and actually was close to closing the deal and was fear struck & called it off.  I feared abandonment, loneliness and hurting my children(14 & 12).  I really think we could make this work, but my wife is not willing to get consistent help.  She feels she's centered after a brief stint in Alanon, Counseling and talks with friends now.  We are going to try counseling but it seems I shoulder more of the responsbility than she?  Definitely; a coda issue. 

While getting sober(first year and half) she had an emotional relationship with another man(a close family friend that was married to her good friend).  It went on for a little over a year, but they both had trouble breaking it off.  It was a mess.  Both families used to vacation, camp and get together.  Not now.  She said it was something she needed to do.  It was an obession and compulsion.  She admitted that.  I don't see much regret from her- it appears she's placed the blame on me and our relationship and foregoes her responsibility in what happened.  That we didn't have a relationship.   Is this behavoir typical with partners living together during the first year or so of Sobriety- while the Alcohol is focusing in on themselves.
They may even still be talking now.  Dunno...  I have a definite trust issue with her and can't seem to overcome that.  Is this fear once again that I will lose, suffer or be abandon? 



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Hi Mike,
" While getting sober(first year and half) she had an emotional relationship with another man(a close family friend that was married to her good friend). It went on for a little over a year, but they both had trouble breaking it off. It was a mess. Both families used to vacation, camp and get together. Not now. She said it was something she needed to do. It was an obsession and compulsion. She admitted that. I don't see much regret from her- it appears she's placed the blame on me and our relationship and forgoes her responsibility in what happened. That we didn't have a relationship. Is this behavior typical with partners living together during the first year or so of Sobriety- while the Alcohol is focusing in on themselves.
They may even still be talking now. Dunno... I have a definite trust issue with her and can't seem to overcome that. Is this fear once again that I will lose, suffer or be abandon? "
For me this is where the Al-Anon idea of " Clear and appropriate boundaries" comes into play.
Over the years I have witnessed way to many relationships fail because folks went to the wrong sources for emotional comfort. Nobody had yet learned of clear and appropriate boundaries.
For the co-dependent which is myself, this created great fear in me and powerful distrust.
Rightly so. All my feelings of inadequacy rose to the surface. Jealousy also appeared.
Then anger at them and myself.
Al-Anon has been a big help in showing me ways to accept the fact I cannot control The when, where's , and how's others deal with their lives. Also how it affects me. My primary responsibility is how I deal with it.
" Don't go to a hardware store looking for a loaf of bread."
Choose wisely where I go looking for emotional security.
Baby Steps,
Wayne

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Wayne,
Thank you.  What I did with my AA Sponsor was have " Clear and appropriate boundaries".  I told my wife her relationship with this man was unacceptable and she would have to choose.  She choose to stay with me.  Do I just except that it's done and over with and move on, knowing it's in Gods hands and respond when/if it occurs again?  I can't seem to overcome the betrayal, distrust issue. 

It appears you've had a good experience with Alanon.  Do you go to both AA & Alanon know?

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Hi Mike,
My bride is A-Anon. There are no meetings we can get to where we live, so we read the Al-Anon books together each morning. We also read the A.A. and N.A. books together.
We also go to one open A. A. meeting a week. We live 38 miles from town.
I would suggest rather firmly getting the Al-Anon book Courage to Change. Al-Anon published
three books over the years, Courage to Change is the middle one.
If you cannot find one PM me with your address I will send you one.
The process of recover from Co- Dependency is quite different from Alcoholism. Much more subtle, and at times more scary.
"Do I just except that it's done and over with and move on, knowing it's in Gods hands and respond when/if it occurs again? "
The suggestion for that is do not make any hasty decisions. You are in the process of opening up areas of yourself that are brand new to you. These new emotions will change as you learn to identify their source and apply the steps to them. Al-Anon uses the same steps as A.A. with A.A.'s blessings.
Gentleness with one's self is important. We all ( wives included) only can do what we know how to do. We function with broken operating systems.
You will like what happens to you as you embark on this new adventure.
Wayne

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Mike B wrote:

 

Dean,
Can you explain or give some general examples of:  I clunq to my friends and qirl friends and, lookinq back, made lots of rules about them. Those "rules" are text book coda characteristics. I feel I did/do this too and I'm trying to figure out what those rules may have been?

______________________________________________

Read the characteristics and see which apply. I'll respond later, qot to qo work on my  new ('69 chevy van) vehicle lol. 


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Dean
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