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Post Info TOPIC: "No" a complete sentence.


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"No" a complete sentence.
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I thought I would start a new tread on this topic.  I'm now learning here and in the Fellowship about the word and sentence of "NO".  In the past and sometimes now my "no" means "maybe" or "yes- if someone pushes hard enough".  no

My wife loves to keep moving.  I on the hand like to be active, but like to do things around the house.  Yard work, mowing lawn, painting etc...  There will be many times where she wants to run all day:  go hiking, come home then run to camp etc....  All in one day.  Sometimes this is o.k.  I try to be flexible.  Sometimes not.  On the not day's; I politely say "no", "not interested" today and I get the "WHY" & "WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO?".  Then I explain the "WHY'S" and what I would like to do.  I now say; you can go if you'd like.  Then I get the "are you sure", "we have the whole day, let's use it".  Then my "yes" becomes a "maybe" & then off we go.  Sometimes it's o.k.  Others times it's like: my mind is on what I want to do and I'm pissed that I gave in.  Not a good environment for me or those involved.  I realize this can be normal life to everyone, but as an Alcoholic with Co-dependency traits- how do I create boundaries, stick to them and not feel bad? 

Why do I do this to myself?  Lack of confidence, People pleasing, fear of rejection, other validating?  Not taken care of myself and thinking more of others?

Anyone have similair experience in this area?



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I can say "No", in most cases I can even enforce it, but I have some very specific incidents where either failure to say or enforce my "No" has been the cause of some pretty serious stuff involving hurting myself and others with repercussions lasting years

1. Failure to say "No" because I am afraid, afraid to hurt my partner, afraid I will lose my partner, afraid she will run away

2. Failure to enforce my No because I am afraid, I am in a situation where I feel dependent on another person, such as a landlord or a boss

Both fear based

the other is when my "no" just gets worn down to a nubbin and I give in, I have a few examples of that, like this person just keeps beating on my boundary over and over ad nauseum until I give in, then I have to fight back twice as hard to get back to "zero", then it is rinse and repeat, I see this professionally still, and in my personal life in my past

it's my boundary, up to me to enforce it, and it's one of the scariest of all boundaries to enforce sometimes, a squirrel can have me shaking and nauseous and terrified to say No to it...it's a weird one that seems harder to say depending on how important it is, like it has inverse properties of fear for me, the more important it is, the more terrified I am to say it, and the truth is the consequences of me not saying it is what I should be terrified of



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It was very difficult for me to say "no" prior to coming into recovery.  It has gotten better.  I still find myself doing things for others that I don't necessarily want to do, but it is with much less frequency - I do say "no" on occasion.  The interesting thing is - the fear I had of others' reaction was unfounded.  Turns out that people really care less than I thought and their reactions were not near as severe as I feared.

Good example - last night.  Bro calls and wants to go see a RUSH concert.  Normally I would have dove in, purchased the tickets, and drove over an hour each direction to the concert.  But at over $100 for nose-bleed seats I just wasn't interested, for one thing I wouldn't bother with nose-bleed seats - Neil Pert close up is the only way to go!  So it would be at least a $200/ticket purchase.  I said no and gave my reasons with that little voice in the back of my head telling me he was going to be pissed.  Turns out he completely agreed with me.

Funny how typing it out it seems so small and insignificant.  Even the small stuff used to cause me anxiety, the sweats, and a good upset stomach.

So glad things are getting better.

Linistea



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Yep, definitely had problems with this and sometimes still do. I aqreed to split a both at a trade show last summer, that was a bit out of my territory and knowinq, especially in this economy, that for my industry and this location trade shows yield little to return on investment. It was a waste of 4 days (setup included) and $2,000. My friend, who I shared the both with, was in bad shape physically with his lower back. He could barely walk and was scheduled for surqery. I felt sorry for him and allowed myself to be talked into it. Total waste of time and money. Later, he didn't even see it as a favor, althouqh he did qet some jobs out of it. So yeah, still learninq to say no.

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Dean


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Thank you all.  Glade to see I'm not alone with this issue.  My diesase sometimes likes to tell me I'm unique.  biggrin  Your examples were helpful to me as well. 



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I'm pretty good with saying it, in relationships outside of the intimate nature. I had a sponsor long ago who's wife was long time black belt Alanon. She would tell me " you don't have to say yada yada yada bla bla bla, when just bla will do ". She would complain that if she asked me what time it was I would tell her how to build a clock. I was always defending my position, my right to just exist she would say." STOP THAT ".  When it comes to my intimate relationship, alot of times I still say yes when I mean no. Fear of confrontation or abandonment I guess. Or maybe quiet control? I'll stay tuned I.m sure more will be reveled.



-- Edited by billyjack on Monday 28th of March 2011 11:43:57 AM

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I tend to have trouble saying no to my children especially the 19 yr old.  Just last week she called to ask if I could buy her more fuel, as her car had to be towed as it ran out of fuel.  Of course I took it up to her.  I was thinking how is she going to get to work the next day, will she pay me back this time( we have 5 smaller kiddies to take care of).  She did pay me back, even added enough to cover the other times she used our account at the fuel station.  That was a big surprise.  I'm strong with people outside the family, it's mainly my husband and kids.

Tracey



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no, no,no,no,no,no,no,

no is such wonderufl words most time..

 

it is the defence of my life, it is the wonderful boundaries..!

 

love the word NO .NO .NO !!!NO NONONONONONONONOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

 

NO ,definitly NO



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RE:No
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I guess you did not see the movie Yes Man with Jim Carrey. Just joking.



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RE: "No" a complete sentence.
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Mike B wrote:
Anyone have similair experience in this area?

 Mike, I was the middle child and definitely programmed to be a doormat so "no" was never included in my vocabulary UNTIL I entered Recovery, began to finally have a backbone and then enough Self Esteem and respect to use and stand behind my NOs!  My no's didn't go over too well with my then tyrannical wife so my ultimate No was - no I'm not staying here any longer - and I left her!

IMO, having and using the power of "no" is the automatic benefit of Self Esteem and Self Respect work.  I did that to the max but still get occasionally trapped by saying yes when I should have said NO!  Fortunately, I've discovered that it's almost always possible to go back to NO when I foolishly slip into the timid, fearful and OBEDIENT yes when a tyrant puts on some pressure.

Thank god for Recovery,

jim



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Took me a lot of practice to learn the word no.  I was very nervous at first but once I realized that if the people I was dealing with respected me and weren't extremely selfish folks they usually respected my "No" and moved on without incident.  It's the unhealthy folks that fall apart at the word "No" that I still struggle with (and avoid).

 

Willing



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Mike B wrote:
Then my "yes" becomes a "maybe" & then off we go.  Sometimes it's o.k.  Others times it's like: my mind is on what I want to do and I'm pissed that I gave in.
My entire 1st marriage was like that - me, the doormat - her the BOSS! 
how do I create boundaries, stick to them and not feel bad? 
I will only say what I did. 
After a few weeks in Recovery and support groups, I began to have a little more self respect and better self esteem so I began setting boundaries ON EVERYONE - including me.  At first, I was not good at it, made  a lot of mistakes and made a lot of enemies BUT, I kept practicing and studying until I finally learned how and WHY to set healthy boundaries which eventually killed my 1st marriage (no kids though).

Why do I do this to myself?  Lack of confidence, Me - YES.

 

People pleasing, Me - YES. fear of rejection, Me - YES. other validating Me - YES.?  Not taken care of myself and thinking more of others? Me - YES. 

Anyone have similair experience in this area?  Me - YES.

My basic issue was how to overcome the doormat, needy, fear of others CONDITIONING and PROGRAMMING I was given in my family.  I was filled with two basic drives - FEAR & RAGE!

At CODA and ACA, I learned how and why I was programmed that way and how to undo the sick programming and find a happier life by first getting some  GUTS and then learning to set boundaries and, best of all, learning HOW to vent the huge ocean of bottled up anger, sorrow and fear that my sick parents had left in me.  I am no longer the sad and sorry VICTIM of past trauma (PTSD).

 


 



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