There are many different types of codependents and the first story is of Gerald. Successful in school, socially, and in business, Gerald seemed to be horrible at relationships. Shortly after college he married Rita and stayed married to her for 13 years despite the fact she didn't treat him well, was not available to him emotionally, and was hostile. Gerald found out at the end of the marriage she was also unfaithful and involved in drugs and alcohol.
Gerald very soon after got involved with another version of Rita, but this one was a pass-out daily alcoholic. His life consisted of trying to save her. After terminating that relationship, he was soon in a relationship with another addict trying to save her. In counseling Gerald admitted though he was not an alcoholic his brother was and his Dad may have been. In the beginning of counseling, Gerald decided he was codependent. But after a few sessions and some of his anger subsided, he decided he just had bad luck. Is it just bad luck?
Patty was a nurse who decided to stay home to raise 3 children, the youngest had cerebal palsy. She was a "caretaker" in all fronts of her life. Before her children she was outgoing and had a good social life. After her children she lost all interest in her life and hated her daily routine. She maintained few friends and put on weight. When she did make efforts to change her routine it was usually in the form of helping others which led to more resentments.
Everyone seemed to think that Patty had it all together and was always in control. But inside she was falling apart, suffering from depression for years. "Lately I've been thinking about suicide. Of course," she added, "I'd never actually kill myself. Too many poeple need me. Too many people depend on me. I'd be letting them down. But I'm worried. I'm scared." She admitted that her husband drank a lot before their marriage, but stopped cold turkey. When he was drunk he was crazy, but when he was sober he was mean and angry. "I don't know what's happened to him. He's not the man I married. What's even more frightenting is I don't know what's happening to me or who I am." It was also revealed that Patty's father entered recovery when she was in high school and remained sober. Prior to that, his drinking drastically affected the family. Patty and her husband both got into recovery and her life began to improve.
Those who seek help for their issues are not the only ones who suffer from codependency, even those who counsel others can get lost in the behaviors. Randell is such a counselor. As a recoverying alcoholic from a family of alcoholics, Randell spent all of his free time working about other alcholics and the problems that surround them. His life became unmanagable. "For many years, Randell believed his duty was to worry about people and get involved in their problems. He called his behavior kindness, concern, love, and, sometimes, righteous indignation. Now, after getting help for his problem, he calls it codependency."
The next story is about Marlyss who is the wife of a recovering alcoholic and mother of five. Her entire life is about taking care of her family. This is her sole purpose and she does not take care of herself. She is angry and feels unappreciated, but she does everything she does based on guilt.
Another mother, Alissa, is not affected by someone's alcohol or drug abuse, but her son's behavior. He has gotten completely out of control and she is letting it run and ruin her life. Trying every possible way to control him and lost control of herself.
Next is a wife, Sheryl, who is married to a sex addict. She notices she was lost in her codependency when she went after him with a knife. It was at that point that she realized perhaps SHE needed some help. She had almost stopped doing everything in her life to be able to monitor him for the slightest slip. Her husband got into recovery and so did Sheryl.
On the less intense side, there is Kristin - married with two children - with no alcoholism or addiction in her life. Kirstin's issues was taking on other's emotions and in turn trying to control them. She feels responsible for everyone's feelings in her life. If they are good feelings then she is happy, if they are bad feelings she feels guilty and responsible and needs to make them feel better.
Melody chose the previous examples to demonstrate the complexity of Codpendency. Some people are not affected that badly and some can be very extreme. The common thread between us is how we react to others and how it is causing us pain.
Activities:
1. Did you identify with any people in this chapter? What heped you think of yourself? Which relationships did it bring to mind? Why? 2. You might find it helpful to buy a large notebook and record your responses to these activities. You can also write down other thoughts and feelings you have as you read this book.
Hi, As written above ---("For many years, Randell believed his duty was to worry about people and get involved in their problems. He called his behavior kindness, concern, love, and, sometimes, righteous indignation. Now, after getting help for his problem, he calls it codependency.") What an eye opener for me. I used to "absorb " other peoples emotional problems. It were as if I believed I could take they're pain away if I were willing to feel them myself. I believed if I "carried each others burdens" I was helping. The promises of recovery were happening to me , yet I constantly felt bad. It shocked me when I found out I was Addicted to all the different natural body chemicals that all these powerful emotions created. I would be feeling decent, I would find someone with some wild fear, I would absorb this fear as my own, they would feel better I was left full of the wild fear. All the while believing I was doing the right thing. I was tough enough to handle it. It was how it was supposed to be. It did not matter what emotions I picked up, a new set of body drugs were released. Love, (lust), jealously, self pity,hatred, fear------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ did not matter, I was strung out those naturally occurring endorphins and adrenalin's. Everything I felt as a kid in the home, familiar high levels. Toxic levels. That is all I knew. Make others feel better no matter the cost to myself. All this going on as I proceeded in recovery from booze and dope. People flocked to me to be healed. I welcomed them. They left better, I stayed very broken on a subconscious level. 25 Years into recovery I had my codependent bottom. To intense to describe here. I picked up the book ,( again ) we are studying Codependent no more. Once again I found HOPE. Once again I felt maybe this will work for me. Once again I could see a flicker of light. That was 7 years ago. It got better, way better. Life saving better. Nobody comes to be healed today. I learned some new ways to live. I am learning as I type today. I cannot fix anybody, I cannot survive absorbing others emotional problems, I cannot survive all those body drugs at those high levels. I do not want to be addicted to my own self invited crisis. Enough of that. Wayne
I find my codependency comes in all different flavors and they are not all bad. I can identify with each of these stories. Being of service to, giving, and loving others is a WONDERFUL part of life and key to my happiness. It is when these things start to hurt me or others that codependency takes on the negative connotation it engenders. When I start to try to control and lose control of myself I need to pause and take a look at my motives, feelings, expectations and actions and correct my course.
__________________
Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Willing, I have been reading and reading this morning and thinking to myself that we are supposed to care, give, & be of service to others. My mind kept yelling how can that be codependent? Well, as HP would have it, you answered my question in a few short words. Now I have a "boundary" to go by and that helps me keep moving through this work.
That was an old post but I guess I wasn't ready to see it until today so thanks for putting it there way back in Sept.
I just picked up this book and am on Chapter 10 now. I just read half of it last week, so I am trying to absorb it all. I can and can't relate and I am trying to identify with parts of it, while I am not the codependent housewife. I am the married guys of a drug addicted wife, who recently sobered up. Now that I find myself not focusing as much on her addcition and the first it caused, I am finding myself angry, frustrated and resentful. Unfortunately, now that my wife is sober she is not only very sensitive to everything, she now is sober enought to point out every flaw I have. I have recently discovered that I have my own "relapse" or awakening now being the codedependent. It took me meeting new couples in our couples counceling to tell me that it's OK to not get angry about the situation. It's very hard when no matter what I do, I can' do it right, say it right, make her look bad in her eyes (rightfully so from her view).
I just found about this painkiller addiction hers in it's fullest in Sept last year. She hid it for two years and not until she drained every penny and credit card we had, did she come clean. She tried to get help in an out-patient program at first. It failed, she relapsed and bought thousands more in drugs. Then, we finally got her into a 30 in-patient rehab in a halfway house. So, that finally helped. Now that the fire is out, I (we) are left to pick up the pieces. We have a 3 and 4 year old.
Yay!