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Step Study - Step 3
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Step Study - Step 3

(Using the Codependents' Guide to the 12 Steps by Melody Beattie)

Made a decision to turn out will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

This chapter begins with the author telling her ideas of "God's will" before and after recovery.  She explains how she used to think that every bad thing that happened in her life was "God's will".  Now she is learning that much of what she experienced was actually due to how she treated herself.  She had difficulty, as many do with this step, in letting go for fear of losing herself.  Once she did, she found she did not lose herself, she found freedom.

Turning Over Our Lives and Wills

Before this step, Melody did not believe that her life had any purpose, that is was a mistake.  This step helped her see this was untrue.  In step 2 we acknowledge a Power Greater than ourselves and in step 3 we take the action of turning our lives over to God.  Then we take responsibility for ourselves and let others do the same.

To the Care of God

Many of us struggle with this step, wondering how God could have let the things that have happened to us take place.  She quotes a woman who states, "I get into trouble when I think I'm the power".  The author believes that God can be our power, our hope and inspiration.  We can go to him for guidance and it is a safe and trusting relationship.

As We Understood God

This step lets us choose the God of Our Understanding, regardless of our religion or lack thereof.  We get to choose our higher power.  She goes on to state that the God she believes in is not a trickster, is not malicious, and is letting us learn the lessons we need to learn - that we can trust him.  "God can help us bring out the healer in ourselves."

Turning It Over

Many codependents push their way through their lives by force and find they have not gotten where they want to be.  Melody includes where a woman named Claire explains how in recovery she had to learn how to trust God and her sponsor and learn to trust herself.  We don't have to have the sense of urgency and use our will, we can become quiet, trusting God and listening.  "It is surrendering to the present moment that we reach the next moment in our lives."

Acceptance and Gratitude

Gratitude can help us through bad times of any shape and size, whether internal or external.  As Codependents we have a habit of focusing on the negative.  "Gratitude empowers and increases what's right in our lives.  It helps make things right."  We learn to say thank you over and over, even with we don't mean it.  "It can change the energy in us and our environment.  Gratitude diminishes the power of the problem and empowers the solution."  In the author's opinion, gratitude is essential to recovery, "Next to the Steps and detachment, gratitude is probably the most helpful recovery tool available."

The Freedom to Surrender

Step One was about being powerless and Step 3 is about gaining back that power through surrender.  We gain our power through freedom, freedom from others controlling us or us trying to control others.  Surrendering gives us the opportunity to turn our will over to a higher power and start taking care of ourselves.

The author explains how she uses this step when she gets stuck, when she can't figure "it" out, when she realizes she can't control whatever "it" is she is trying to control.  This step lets her surrender.  This step lets her gain some humility.  She finally accepted that all those she had tried to control didn't change their behavior at all regardless of her efforts.  This step helped her let go and focus on herself, see that she is the only thing she can change.

She explains how we often don't see the big picture, yet try to control the outcome, realizing later that we just need to trust and accept the way things are and let things happen as they should.  This does not mean we don't feel our feelings or say no when we need to.  We learn to trust our instincts and say no when appropriate.

She states how she feels turning her will over to God can be a natural process, requiring little effort.  "God's love is immediate and powerful, yet gentle, healing, and nurturing.  It takes into account what I want and need.  God's will contains discipline, not deprivation.  God isn't shame-based; people are.  Yet, God holds me accountable for my actions."

She states her early fear of being brainwashed by the program, but found that life prior to the program was brainwashed, the program offers freedom.

Activities

1. To remember this Step, you may find it helpful to write it down in the form of an affirmation. For example; "I have turned my life and my will over to the care of God today. All is well."

2. If you knew that all was well and on schedule in your life today, how would you feel? If you knew that things were being managed by a power great than your self in a way that would work out to your best interests, how would you act differently?

3. If you knew you had no power to control events, outcomes, or a particular person, how would you behave differently? What would you say or do? What would you stp saying or doing? What would you do differently for yourself in order to enjoy your own life now, to live in the present moment?

4. If you weren't allowing someone else to control you, what would you be doing differently? What would you do today with your life? How would you feel?

5. If you weren't allowing a particular circumstance to control you, or if you weren't trying to control that circumstance - if you just let it be and accepted it as okay for the present moment - how would you feel? If you weren't fighting with or resisting this circumstance, what would you be doing? How would you be feeling?

6. Taking this step often puts you in touch with yourself. Listen to yourself. Write about what you feel, want, need, and think. Then pick up the phone and share who you are with someone safe, someone you trust. Talk in a way that reflects self-responsibility, not victimization. Don't ask them to rescue you. Ask them to listen and accept you as you are.

7. What is the most loving, most nurturing thing available to you right now that you can use to take care of yourself and enjoy life? What will you do with it?



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I had a little issue with this step when I first came into the program, a moment of "I have to believe in God?" - I thought I would be stuck.  Didn't take long to grab onto the fact that I could chose my own higher power and move forward.

Writing this post was difficult!  She obviously believes in God and I don't - well it's not that I don't, I am just very well aware that it COULD be and it very well COULD NOT be and I am fine with that.  It was truly amazing to watch my emotional resistance to typing and paraphrasing her beliefs.  I kept purposely putting in "The author believes...".  Everything else so far I have typed with unending emotional support but this stumped me.  It was really quite comical - I was laughing while I was doing it but pushed forward.  Sorry if it shows.

The nice thing is - this step made me a lot more comfortable spiritually.  I feel it helped me find my spot.  That spot doesn't have any labels or rules, it doesn't have any answers, it is just comfortable.  I feel there is a flow in life and I interact with everything around me.  I can chose to do that with a calm, easy going center or I can do that with this negative energy that clashes with things.  This is going to sound really stupid - I envision a stream and I can either be an inert object floating along or I can be a magnet.  The inert object just goes with the flow and the magnet, depending on which side is exposed, attracts thing with a loud CLANG! (TOO MUCH!!!) or repels things.  I don't want to do either.  I just want to float.  Sometimes the water gets rough and I get bounced around, sometimes there is too much sun and I might get a bit of a burn, sometimes there is not enough sun and I get a little moldy - but I keep floating and all these things pass.

Ok, that sounds totally beyond stupid.  But, there it is.  Perhaps the next question is - "How do you let go or turn it over?  Who does it go to?"  Who says it has to go anywhere?  As long as I let it go.  I like that.

I was the magnet before recovery.  Now I am just trying to be an inert object - as long as it is something that floats - not a rock that is STUCK!

Linistea



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I don't believe in the conventional idea of God either.  I really like your stream visualization, I find it very helpful.  Thank you for sharing.



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To kind of keep the ball rolling, or get the ball rolling again, I will add a step 3 synopsis I did for a secular forum a few months ago and then posted on our step board:

Hello, My name is Andrew and I am an Alcoholic

I hope this is appropriate, this was my third step I did in AA, and I am sorry I repeat myself a few times, I am only hoping to show how I was able to work the twelve steps as an atheist/agnostic.

I use the word "God" in this post a number of times, it's not to "convert" anyone, but to tell you I was able to work the twelve steps as an Agnostic/Atheist. I HAVE to use the WORD God a few times, because there is NO other word that will work, please understand I am NOT referring to a deity, but to EVERYTHING, not an "Otherness' or a "Guiding Intelligence" but simply EVERYTHING.

It's my experience the Twelve Steps work to bring about recovery from Alcoholism, and I believe you needn't have a deity for this to work, and it's my experience that I was able to do this without changing one word in The Big Book, I just changed my own definition of a few words. I have brought maybe thirty Agnostic/Atheists men (sponsees) through the steps using what I learned.

First, I believe the twelve steps are a mathematical equation that when worked bring about a personality change sufficient to recover from alcoholism.

There is only one hang up, The word "God" in those steps. This post is how to get around that without needing a deity.

This is going to be a LONG post, if you suffer (like I do from a short attention span, look ahead to the Bolded parts for step by step instructions for what I did to work the steps without a Deity.)

A thread I participated in recently in The AA forum made me feel the need for this post, as what follows literally saved my life. When I got sober I was rabidly anti-Christian, anti-religion and anti-religious.

I see Christians in meetings and online that think there is no "Christian Dogma" in the BB, and the attitudes of some AA's made me realize the need for this Post, the quote in particular that inspired me to write this was:

Quote:
Who the hell cares about Christian dogma when it comes to getting sober. Seems to me this debate should take place in the first week of not drinking between a couple newcomers, or a newcomer and someone who's been around for a while. I understand the question, but depending on a person's viewpoint, there's really no way to satisfy someone who's bent on being anti-christian.

If I went to a doctor and found that I had cancer, was given the Big Book and told that if I read it and followed the plan as it was laid out I could arrest the cancer, do you think I'd give a damn whether it was Christian based or not. People who come up with these types of questions, IMO are looking for a way out, or looking to discredit the AA program for some reason. So, why waste time and energy? Stay away from AA, go back out and have a few more, or just carry on with life as you know it and stop trying to pick the fly poop out of the pepper.

If I would have been presented with this attitude or been told this when I was new I would be a dead man.

Literally, If I was told to get God or get out and go drink like I actually have heard in some meetings, I would be dead today. Me learning how to work the steps and get around the vast Christianity in the Book saved my life, I was, as I mentioned, rabidly anti-Christian and anti-religious when I got sober in 1992. If I hadn't figured how to remove the Christianity from the message I would never had been able to stay long enough to get sober.

Today I am ambivalent, which means I have strong feelings on both sides of the issue, or in other words, I don't care. I can read Buddhism, Taoism, Sufism, Wiccan, Old Druidic Lore, -some- Christianity, and find wisdom anywhere without throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

Technically, I guess closer to anything I am a Taoist, which is simply "Sh1t Happens", literally translated The "Tao Te Ching" just means The Book of the virtue of how things are. There is no deity in Taoism, basically the premise is sh1t rolls downhill, and if you have a problem with that it's your problem, and if you stand downhill from said sh1t, your gonna get a mouthful. The "Acceptance speech' in the BB is taoism at it's finest.

You could "label" me an Atheist and an Agnostic, because technically I am, but I feel I am "Gnostic" which comes from the Greek word "Gnosis' which means "knowledge" a Gnostic, or my version thereof believes I can "evolve" as it were and that any "bit" of "God" I ever will be found will be in my own heart, When I see the word "God" I use the dictionary definition "The Great Reality"

If you don't believe in Reality get a staple gun, put about fifteen staples in your body, maybe one or two in your eyeball, then get back to me. That's what I mean by "reality". "The Great Reality" to me just means everything and everything in it, so I can "see" the word "God" and not be bothered by it, I don't believe in a deity, I don't believe in an "Otherness". More on this later, sorry to use that word so early.

The First Chapter in The Tao Te Ching says, That which can be explained is not the way things are, and the way things are can't be explained.

I can build a house, paint it, furnish it, and describe it to the best of my ability, I can describe the walls, the windows, the floor etc, but what I can NEVER explain is "the space" inside the house and that is what I actually live in. All I can ever convey to you is what color the walls are and what it looks like, I can never give you the experience of being inside my house unless you do the work and come and visit me.

That is the problem in a nutshell with spirituality and the Big Book, all the words, the mention of the word God, the HE, and FATHER, and GUIDING INTELLIGENCE, is just what color the walls are "painted" by the men who "painted" in the only colors they knew, which was the language of Christianity. I will call this language baby poop green. I had to get past the fact I hated baby poop green and actually read what these men were saying while tossing the Christian language out.

OK, on to business, The Big Book, TO ME is a Christian Based Text written by Christians, for Christians, and in order for me to work those steps, I had to remove all the "Christian Dogma" and figure out how to get past the word "God" and what I viewed as all the Christian Blather and "God talk" I saw and heard in the "rooms" of Alcoholics Anonymous.

AA is a "spiritual" program, so it uses "spiritual" language, for me I had to let go of my previous concepts and definitions and make new ones. The Dictionary actually was helpful for this.

First: I was told don't worry about the word "God" until you are on your third step

This proved to be one of the most important things ever told to me in AA, it literally saved my life, by the time I was working the third step with a sponsor, I no longer had a problem with "The Word" God

As I stated earlier I believe to me the twelve steps are a mathematical equation where if you strip away the "Christian dogma*" and when you see the "integer" "God" you plug in your own "value" for a "power greater then yourself" then work steps one through twelve, arriving at "having HAD a spiritual awakening as THE result of these steps"

where spiritual awakening = personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism (our more religious members call it God consciousness) that means our "non" or "less" religious members call it a "personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism"

Each step has conditions and promises, ie; If you do this like this you get this, which to me have never failed, when I do this like this I get this, the most famous of which are the ninth step promises, "If we are painstaking about this phase of our recovery we will know a new freedom and a new happiness etc. etc."

To me these (the steps) have proven to be as unfailing as a math equation, yes, a lot of people in Calc or algebra don't end up with the same answers as me, is math or the professor to blame or is it the result of people plugging the wrong value into an integer or getting part of the process wrong which results in an incorrect answer?

There are a LOT of ways to write A + B = C, and a LOT of ways to "arrive" at "C" as "The Conclusion", C being abstinence from alcohol, AA is by no means the only way, but, in my experience I have NEVER seen it "fail" anyone who THOROUGHLY followed it's path as is suggested.

Math isn't for everyone, and neither is AA, it's just an answer that worked "for us", but the end result for both is the same, if you do this like this, you get this.

It almost doesn't matter what that "Power" is, as long as it's "not me". Women can use the actual fact of "giving birth" or creating life" as a "higher power" as far as I am concerned, and Men can use their knocker, hell, it's been leading you around for years already, might as well admit it's a power greater then yourself and put it to good use, although you may want to choose a different concept because if you are anything like me the damn thing is nothing but trouble and doesn't always act in my best interests.

If you ask a physicist to explain something in laymans terms they will have a number of 'false starts" then finally explain they use the language they use that we as laymen find incomprehensible because thats the only way to explain it.

Unfortunately or fortunately, the language of recovery in AA is spiritual, which is slippery at best, and arouses instant "brain shut down" at worst. I watch people argue about AA simply because in many cases people don't understand the concept of their OWN concept of God, they see the word God and they lose their F'ing mind because it conjures up someone ELSE'S concept of God.

To me it's simple as hell, see the stars? see everything? see all those galaxies? see birth? see love? the curve of a perfect breast? see a puppy? a kitten? see a mothers love for her child? a sunrise?

Package all that up, call it God, no deity needed, plug it into the steps, work them and you will have a personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism.

Ok, onto Nuts and Bolts.

Here is one method (the one I start with) I have used with sponsees.


I use electricity as a "power greater then yourself" concept, it starts with electricity then "evolves" to include every single thing in The Universe.

First I tell them if you don't believe in a power greater then yourself I'd like you to stick your tongue in that electrical outlet over there, get back to me when you are done to tell me how it went.

Then I use my paramedic training to tell about the heart, how it has electricity in it, how in the absence of electricity the person dies, and how there is also electrical activity in the brain, and if the electrical activity in the Brain stops they either go "brain dead" or will actually die if the damage is sever enough. Without electricity you wouldn't be alive.

Every living thing in the world has electrical activity, there is even electricity in trees and plants (very very small amounts but it's there)

I explain how it fits the greeting "Namaste" which means:

# "I respect divinity within you that is also within me." (Here, "that" refers to divinity, or that which is divine.)
# "The light within me honors the light within you." (in yoga)

and how it fits with all of the interconnectedness and spiritual theories, as in there is divine in all of us, and the "oneness theories" but all animals, trees, everything has electricity in it in some form or fashion but by using a basic principle such as electricity you can use that to build to a Power greater then yourself that is personal to you.

I also bust out with "A new Pair of Glasses" and show many passages that confused me greatly for over a decade about his description of God, and how he states he is not a christian then uses many sayings attributed to Jesus to show many things, but how spirituality can "fit" in with Christianity. (many are pretty anti-christian when they get to me, so by using we agnostics, Glasses, and the electricity analogy by the time they walk away they are open minded and realize they have been displaying the very character defects they claimed not to like in Christianity)

I talk about how it's actually the ego that is trying to kill us, that voice in our head, and we need to learn how to start listening to that voice in our hearts which takes place from working the steps.

I talk about him finding "God" in the last place we ever thought to look, inside our own heart, how we (as a species) go "looking for God" when it's inside of us all the time. I tell the story of the three fish, swimming in the Ocean, and the big fish that swims by and says "Hello boys, nice day, waters great today huh?" one fish looks at another and asks, "what is water" and the three fish spend the rest of their life swimming around the Pacific Ocean, looking for water, in which they live and breathe and have their very existence.

Anyway, yes, I start with Electricity, from there it moves to spiritual principals, I show that reliance on a deity made in a human image need not concern them, but how once they have their own concept of God, they can plug that value into anywhere the word God is written (in the big book) and have it work.

For the purposes of this discussion, and for the program, I refer to everything that is "not me" as "God", and what I mean by "not me" I mean the little voice in my head, my Ego, like if I cut myself, what heals the cut, the little voice in my head doesn't heal that cut, it's a power greater then myself that I don't wholly understand, so it's "not me", ergo it's "God". For me humility means being "right sized" knowing where I end and "God" begins, that's easy, the little voice in my head has absolutely no power except the power I give it, so all other "power" is "God". (this is just for the sake of this discussion you understand, it all sounds very religious, but it's not, still no deity involved)

So turning my life and will over to everything but the little voice in my head is easy. Keeping it that way is hard. That little voice in my head is just not very powerful, frequently wrong, and it also happens to be where my alcoholism is seated, so I turn my will and my life over to everything that is NOT that voice in my head, which for the purposes of this discussion and AA I call "God".

an example or colloquialism about it would be "I am in charge of flinging sh1t against the wall, but I am not in charge of what sticks" ergo, I am not in charge of adhesion, so what is in "charge of adhesion", would not be the little voice in my head or "not me", so that would be "God".

I am in charge of the effort and the footwork, but not the results.

The little voice in my head talks big but the truth of the matter is it has f*ck-all to do with what actually takes place in the world. I mean it has gotten me laid a few times, but it's also gotten me tossed in the can, it's "decision making" capabilities are spotty at best (If I actually look at the results of my decisions, not the the thinking if that makes sense) but there I am, thinking about me again, an egomaniac with an inferiority complex thinking I am the piece of sh1t that the world revolves around.

That voice is literally actively trying to get me to drink, it will try every trick it knows, it will try and make me so happy I drink, or it will try to put me in so much pain that taking a drink is a good idea, the little voice in my head is not to be trusted and is actively literally trying to kill me.

So turning my will and life over to the care of anything but the little voice in my head that is actively trying to kill me suddenly makes good sense and is practical. It's also learning how to live in "the now" and not that fantasy world we call 'reality'. Anything that takes me away from that part of my mind and thinking that little voice in my head that says it knows best but on a second look is actively trying to kill me is turning my will and my life over.

Taoism, as I understand it, is pretty simple and a good summation is this:

Quote:
At last, acceptance proved to be the key to my drinking problem. After I had been around A.A. for seven months, tapering off alcohol and pills, not finding the program working very well, I was finally able to say, Okay, God. It is true that Iof all people, strange as it may seem, and even though I didnt give my permission really, really am an alcoholic of sorts. And its all right with me. Now, what am I going to do about it? When I stopped living in the problem and began living in the answer, the problem went away. From that moment on, I have not had a single compulsion to drink.

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situationsome fact of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in Gods world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on lifes terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

Shakespeare said, All the worlds a stage, and all the men and women merely players. He forgot to mention that I was the chief critic. I was always able to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I was always glad to point it out, because I knew you wanted perfection, just as I did. A.A. and acceptance have taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us; that we are all children of God and we each have a right to be here. When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about Gods handiwork. I am saying that I know better than God.

For years I was sure the worst thing that could happen to a nice guy like me would be that I would turn out to be an alcoholic. Today I find its the best thing that has ever happened to me. This proves I dont know whats good for me. And if I dont know whats good for me, then I dont know whats good or bad for you or for anyone. So Im better off if I dont give advice, dont figure I know whats best, and just accept life on lifes terms, as it is todayespecially my own life, as it actually is. Before A.A. I judged myself by my intentions, while the world was judging me by my actions.

Because it IS a "spiritual program" with a "spiritual solution" I do find myself frequently using the word God, but I just mean everything that is "not me" or not the little voice in my head, to me the word God is an "integer" who's value is "X" if that makes sense.

 

I didn't "change" anything or even do any "broadening" of the program, I am quite literally following Bill's instructions when he says "why don't you choose your own concept of God"

Quote:
Continue to speak of alcoholism as an illness, a fatal malady. Talk about the conditions of body and mind which accompany it. Keep his attention focused mainly on your personal experience. Explain that many are doomed who never realize their predicament. Doctors are rightly loath to tell alcoholic patients the whole story unless it will serve some good purpose. But you may talk to him about the hopelessness of alcoholism because you offer a solution. You will soon have you friend admitting he has many, if not all, of the traits of the alcoholic. If his own doctor is willing to tell him that he is alcoholic, so much the better. Even though your protege may not have entirely admitted his condition, he has become very curious to know how you got well. Let him ask you that question, if he will. Tell him exactly what happened to you. Stress the spiritual feature freely. If the man be agnostic or atheist, make it emphatic that he does not have to agree with your conception of God. He can choose any conception he likes, provided it makes sense to him. The main thing is that he be willing to believe in a Power greater than himself and that he live by spiritual principles.

When dealing with such a person, you had better use everyday language to describe spiritual principles. There is no use arousing any prejudice he may have against certain theological terms and conceptions about which he may already be confused. Don't raise such issues, no matter what your own convictions are.

Bill was extremely clear and emphatic about everything I explained, I only reword it, I am not re-inventing the wheel here, just putting it in language I understand.

It's just the language used is so ...loaded.....no pun intended

After some years my math "equation" looks more like this

(Everything + Everything that is + Everything that ever was + Everything that ever will be) - ( The little voice in my head that tells me what to do and lies to me all the time) = X

For the purposes of AA

God = X

Plug the value of X into whenever I see the word God in the Big Book or on the wall or whenever I hear the word in a meeting and I'm golden, if *you need a "God" with a willy, or a beard, or a wrathful God or whatever floats your boat, more power to you, I don't need to make my value of X anthropomorphic personally, nor am I threatened by anyone's use of the word any more quite frankly, I just plug my own value in it when I hear or read it.

It's as simple as "Sh1t Happens" and if you are downhill from it you get a mouthful and if you sit in it you get cranky, because it's almost always your own, and I notice after I had been sober for awhile and started feeling better about myself I didn't have to take anyone else's, nor for the most part did people want to give me nearly as much quite frankly for some strange reason.

*you = people in meetings

I have found these to be effective building blocks that have led many even claiming to be atheist/agnostics to reach step 12

I am an Atheist/Agnostic that has a God that is personal to him Today.

Please feel free to ask any questions, I don't mean to offend anyone, just tell my experience with getting through the twelve steps.



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Step Three says, "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." It's only later that the word "God" enters into the conversation. Personally, I don't think "a power greater than ourselves," or Higher Power as many of us say, necessarily has to be an all-knowing, all-powerful supreme being. For me, the 12 Steps themselves are a power greater than me, and they provide a great deal of direction, meaning and purpose for my life. Many people consider their home groups, or even a site like MIP, a power greater than themselves just because of the accumulated wisdom they find in a place like this. Also, there's nothing anywhere that says we can only have one Higher Power. I'm an avid reader and have read a LOT of recovery books that contain so much wisdom and insight that I even consider those to be powers greater than myself because of how they've helped me along my path. Instead of higher power, maybe it would be just as accurate to say "higher" or "greater wisdom."

Just a thought......

Red Hawk



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My heart is moved by all I cannot save: so much has been destroyed.
I have to cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely,
with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world.
A passion to make, and make again, where such un-making reigns.



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oooopppppsssssss!!!!!!!!!!!! My bad! At the beginning of my last post, I meant Step Two, not Three! redface.gif



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My heart is moved by all I cannot save: so much has been destroyed.
I have to cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely,
with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world.
A passion to make, and make again, where such un-making reigns.



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This step for me is simple.  Let go.  Surrender.  It brings so much peace.

 

Figuring out what is in my head, how to make my parts work correctly, and at least finding what direction I should be heading - even if I haven't gone that way yet - is hard enough.  When I heard I could let go of the rest of it ... everything outside my hula hoop ... I was THRILLED.  Whew!



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It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi



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Thanks for that thought, Willing. I think I am overthinking this step. As usual, I want to do it perfectly (big surpise), and am missing the point of just letting go. Maybe the letting go" is scary - my co-dependent nature has been my way of life for so very long (even though it has not worked well). I am not sure what the problem is but would appreciate hearing about the experiences of others with this step.



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Hi,
Made a decision to turn out will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God Step Three
When I was sick and tired of being sick and tired --- Step one was easy to accept. Step Two gave me the Hope I was not in this alone. Step Three invited me to
(Here is the neat part) ------ To make a decision. Nothing complicated about it. I did just that. I made a decision. I did not really know what the rest meant. I did know
I had enough of what I knew and was willing to stop hurting so bad. I went on and worked some more Steps. I sure am glad I did.
Feeling good feels better than feeling bad.
Wayne


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I like that - make a decision and move on. I have been getting bogged down with God. I come from a Christian background but have been unsure of what I really believe for awhile. But I believe the program works because I have seen work for others. So perhaps I can just trust that and keep working. Really - I have nothing to lose and lots to gain.



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Hi,
" I have nothing to lose and lots to gain "
I sure do like how that feels.
Wayne

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Heres's step three to study.



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1. To remember this Step, you may find it helpful to write it down in the form of an affirmation. For example; "I have turned my life and my will over to the care of God today. All is well."
As I surrender to spirit I am guided, supported and happier than I ever dreamed I could be.

2. If you knew that all was well and on schedule in your life today, how would you feel? If you knew that things were being managed by a power great than your self in a way that would work out to your best interests, how would you act differently?
I would feel free, happier, lighter and at ease. Like a child full of joy.

3. If you knew you had no power to control events, outcomes, or a particular person, how would you behave differently? What would you say or do? What would you stp saying or doing? What would you do differently for yourself in order to enjoy your own life now, to live in the present moment?
I'd be more detached but in a loving, childlike, joyful way... que sera, sera... I'd live with joyful, reckless abandon, knowing I was safe in the universe.

4. If you weren't allowing someone else to control you, what would you be doing differently? What would you do today with your life? How would you feel?
I'd make decisions more easily and faster. I'd stop caring what people think.

5. If you weren't allowing a particular circumstance to control you, or if you weren't trying to control that circumstance - if you just let it be and accepted it as okay for the present moment - how would you feel? If you weren't fighting with or resisting this circumstance, what would you be doing? How would you be feeling? I'd feel at peace and safe. I think the crazy circumstance I find myself in would run its course and eventually fizzle out. Its a much more peace way to live life... that is my goal... to be at peace with myself and life.

6. Taking this step often puts you in touch with yourself. Listen to yourself. Write about what you feel, want, need, and think. Then pick up the phone and share who you are with someone safe, someone you trust. Talk in a way that reflects self-responsibility, not victimization. Don't ask them to rescue you. Ask them to listen and accept you as you are.
I'm so fortunate, and grateful to have someone who I can unload and share with. She is so non-judgemental and loving... ever so grateful. She knows I'm in need of an urgent rescue and said; "be with what is going on, just be with it, experience it so you know it fully. Then let it go." So
7. What is the most loving, most nurturing thing available to you right now that you can use to take care of yourself and enjoy life? What will you do with it? Walking and yoga. I avoid my yoga practice but when I do it regularly, I feel better, deal with life better, stand better in my body and life... literally and figuratively.

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2. If you knew that all was well and on schedule in your life today, how would you feel? If you knew that things were being managed by a power great than your self in a way that would work out to your best interests, how would you act different?

Oddly enough this has been part of my focus recently. My boss sent me a bunch of stuff she needed done over the weekend. It is time consuming stuff. Beyond her immediate needs I also still have a 40 hour a week job so things have to be shifted to make this extra work happen. I didn't panic, just emailed her back and told her I would get with her on Monday. Monday I sent her an email with my immediate priorities for the week and told her I would get the reports that she needed, but it would not be today, and probably not tomorrow. I could guarantee end of week. I feel really proud of my self for doing that. BUT

As I worked yesterday, trying to stay at a calm pace, getting things done but not panicking about it, I felt such fear. I was feeling fear because I felt overwhelmed by all the needs of my boss, even though I do feel that I have given myself a reasonable time frame to get things accomplished. The fear is the being overwhelmed, this pressure that I need to get started, because I need to make sure my bosses needs are taken care of, because otherwise I could get in big trouble, this is where the fear of being shamed comes in. Anyway, I felt the fear, faced it so to speak and continued to work in a calm rational manner, but it was hard, and the emotions where definitely there. I prayed, emailed one of my sponsors (ha, I need a lot). called into a phone meeting, etc. The fear was still there. So I decided to take the technique I learned about the mean girl thoughts, and start doing scared girl journaling. That helped. The fear didn't go all the way away, but it did subside somewhat. Anyway, I will continue to work on the fear. 

Today my goal is to again work in a calm, reasonable manner. I do not want to spend the day feeding my other bosses ego, he is more codependant than me if that's possible and also seems to need constant reassurance which can take up my entire day! So no coda behaviour there, and if I feel fear, to pray, journal, all the tools, etc. 



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3. If you knew you had no power to control events, outcomes, or a particular person, how would you behave differently? What would you say or do? What would you stp saying or doing? What would you do differently for yourself in order to enjoy your own life now, to live in the present moment?

I don't care for this question much. If I had no power to control anything, then I wouldn't try, ever. Actions and decisions have consequences, good and bad. What would be the point? This question to me, is not living in reality. However, I do know that I do the best right actions and am happier and function better when my focus is on me, and not on others. Example----I can at work choose to focus on the opinions of others. When I do this, I live in constant reaction, I do not address problematic issues with my team, I do not guide them towards better behaviour, instead I consistently fear their opinions.

Instead, I can focus on doing a good job. This means that I do have the hard discussions with my team and worry less about their opinions, but instead try to point us in the right direction to get the job done. Subtle change, but one that makes a big difference, and inspires a lot less fear.

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Great job!  I LOVE how self aware you are and how you are WORKING your recovery!  Great job.
When I feel overwhelmed I make my to do list and prioritize.  Then I just try to have laser focus on only my current thing and do a little internal celebration as I physically cross them off the list.  Then I do the "next right thing".  It has really helped, because I used to sit paralyzed getting nothing done thinking about all the things I had to do!
apple39 wrote:

2. If you knew that all was well and on schedule in your life today, how would you feel? If you knew that things were being managed by a power great than your self in a way that would work out to your best interests, how would you act different?

Oddly enough this has been part of my focus recently. My boss sent me a bunch of stuff she needed done over the weekend. It is time consuming stuff. Beyond her immediate needs I also still have a 40 hour a week job so things have to be shifted to make this extra work happen. I didn't panic, just emailed her back and told her I would get with her on Monday. Monday I sent her an email with my immediate priorities for the week and told her I would get the reports that she needed, but it would not be today, and probably not tomorrow. I could guarantee end of week. I feel really proud of my self for doing that. BUT

As I worked yesterday, trying to stay at a calm pace, getting things done but not panicking about it, I felt such fear. I was feeling fear because I felt overwhelmed by all the needs of my boss, even though I do feel that I have given myself a reasonable time frame to get things accomplished. The fear is the being overwhelmed, this pressure that I need to get started, because I need to make sure my bosses needs are taken care of, because otherwise I could get in big trouble, this is where the fear of being shamed comes in. Anyway, I felt the fear, faced it so to speak and continued to work in a calm rational manner, but it was hard, and the emotions where definitely there. I prayed, emailed one of my sponsors (ha, I need a lot). called into a phone meeting, etc. The fear was still there. So I decided to take the technique I learned about the mean girl thoughts, and start doing scared girl journaling. That helped. The fear didn't go all the way away, but it did subside somewhat. Anyway, I will continue to work on the fear. 

Today my goal is to again work in a calm, reasonable manner. I do not want to spend the day feeding my other bosses ego, he is more codependant than me if that's possible and also seems to need constant reassurance which can take up my entire day! So no coda behaviour there, and if I feel fear, to pray, journal, all the tools, etc. 


 



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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi



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I don't blame you for not liking this question, but it is about controlling things OUTSIDE of your hula hoop.  Others, events, how things are going to turn out.  Changing and controlling myself is/was the hardest thing.  I wanted everyone else to change and do what I want (or mostly STOP doing what I DON'T want) ... but I would turn around and exhibit the same behavior.
One thing I do often is judge others.  I haven't gotten much better at not doing it, but I have become really good at immediately following it up with "Do I do that?"  Most of the time it is "yes".  The "You spot it, you got it" thing is way too true in my case.  This takes my nasty judgement and immediately turns it into compassion and humility.  Luckily not guilt, I have learned to accept that I am simply human like everyone else.  I saw this meme recently that said "If we all sat around and shared our sins we would be disappointed at our lack of originality".  I instantly felt love for my fellowship and our shares.
As for trying to change others, I simply try to do it by example.  Sometimes it works, sometimes not.
apple39 wrote:

3. If you knew you had no power to control events, outcomes, or a particular person, how would you behave differently? What would you say or do? What would you stp saying or doing? What would you do differently for yourself in order to enjoy your own life now, to live in the present moment?

I don't care for this question much. If I had no power to control anything, then I wouldn't try, ever. Actions and decisions have consequences, good and bad. What would be the point? This question to me, is not living in reality. However, I do know that I do the best right actions and am happier and function better when my focus is on me, and not on others. Example----I can at work choose to focus on the opinions of others. When I do this, I live in constant reaction, I do not address problematic issues with my team, I do not guide them towards better behaviour, instead I consistently fear their opinions.

Instead, I can focus on doing a good job. This means that I do have the hard discussions with my team and worry less about their opinions, but instead try to point us in the right direction to get the job done. Subtle change, but one that makes a big difference, and inspires a lot less fear.


 



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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi



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In reading the question and step info, it seems to largely be about controlling events, outcomes, or a particular person. This is just how I feel about it. It is ok for others to feel differently. I still get worthwhile insight in studying it. 



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4. If you weren't allowing someone else to control you, what would you be doing differently? What would you do today with your life? How would you feel?

I would stay calmer at work. I would not allow others to frazzle my nerves. When others began to get overly emotional about subjects I would utilize some coping tool, such as plugging in my music. Had a really rough day at work the other day. It was like my team just decided to go ballistic all at once, yelling about everything they ever thought was wrong or unfair or whatever in the company. I get they don't like certain policies. It's the freaking policy. I don't know what they want me to do to change it. I can't. I held in there for a good long time answering policy questions, explaining the things I knew, but finally it was just all too much stress for me and I could tell I was way back into some codependent activity. I finally just plugged my headphones in my ears and disconnected. I did do a phone meeting at my lunch time which was helpful.

So, what else could I have done to cope? I could have plugged the music in earlier. Kept it plugged in throughout the day. I do think I handled the situation fairly well, I just was worn the hell out at the end of the day, angry because I had to deal with so much stuff. The week was nuts. Now I am behind going into next week. I have the choice to work through the weekend, which let's face it I don't want to do, or go into next week with work half done. 



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I don't think we disagree at all, we see it the same and I am not a big fan either.  It takes constant effort to keep my controlling behavior in check, especially now that I am going to be a grandma!

 

Love your use of music, I also use it to help alter my mood.



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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi



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Well congratulations!!!!

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5. If you weren't allowing a particular circumstance to control you, or if you weren't trying to control that circumstance - if you just let it be and accepted it as okay for the present moment - how would you feel? If you weren't fighting with or resisting this circumstance, what would you be doing? How would you be feeling?

I think this question is a dirty trick! Ahhhh. So there is a circumstance that is driving me nuts right now, and I find giving up control to be difficult. There is a position at work that it is quite possible I can get, it is a promotion and a step up the ladder. I want this position really badly, and feel that I deserve the position. I have gone through the first interview, and have been told I did well, but that was about a month ago. The holidays came up and my boss, who is the hiring manager, has been out of town a good bit and has not continued the interview process, so it's like this holding state where my performance is under constant review with multiple struggling fashions (I have another manager who is not the hiring manager for this position, but is above me, that is somewhat jealous, and has made it a bit obvious, of the successes I have achieved). So I feel like I am struggling between 2 factions. It's driving me nuts! I don't find it possible to accept it as ok for the present moment. I just don't. But I have been able to find a way to deal with this and not go insane for the present moment :). With my hp's help of course.

Rather than taking this as a how can I impress my hiring manager, or work the whole thing with my direct manager, etc, I am taking this on as a daily challenge, to be the best wfm supervisor that I can be. If I focus on doing a good job, the rest should fall into place, and if it doesn't well, I will have to work that out with my hp, too. I want to do the best job that I can do, for workforce management, for supervising a team, all of it. 

I need support to do this. There is a coda meeting that happens at noon central time every day, I call into that. I share on here, and in the aca message board, have an aca fellow traveler group and attend aca meetings, as well as oa meetings, all to make this happen.

And pray. A lot. This is my current most troubling circumstance. I am trying to give it to hp, one day at a time. 



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Thank you for your share, apple.



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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi



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7. What is the most loving, most nurturing thing available to you right now that you can use to take care of yourself and enjoy life? What will you do with it?

Journal. going now :). 



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bump

 



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It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi

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