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Post Info TOPIC: From "dating" to "relationship" in ...one week.


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From "dating" to "relationship" in ...one week.
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I don't know why I can't do the dating thing. I try, I really do. But somehow casual dating zooms into the relationship zone for me all-too-naturally, without any effort whatsoever. I always start it out trying to "take it slow"... yeah right. That's like me trying to sip a shot of whiskey out of a tiny straw. I am an alcoholic with codependency issues, so I tend to get involved with people just like me, and when there is attraction, there is wildfire. It happens fast, I usually get intimate too soon, I backpedal and put up walls, I panick, I usually bail or go to "crazytown" so he bails. When freed from the "relationship" (which usually lasted all of 2 or 3 months), I feel relieved and vow I won't go there again. I'm fine on my own, I tell myself. Soon, I'm finding myself attracted to someone else, we flirt, he asks me out, we start "dating"...I tell myself to take it slow, and the whole thing repeats again. I don't know if what I'm saying is that I'm powerless, or that relationships for me are unmanageable, but I can say honestly that this pattern has been repeated over and over in my life, and has not once yielded a healthy, successful long-term relationship.

So currently I am in month two of a relationship that started like wildfire. We made out on our first date. He told me he thought our meeting was destiny. Within a week he was asking me to change my facebook status to "in a relationship"...It seemed too soon and red flags went off all over the place, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings so said ok. I do really like the guy- he is a nice guy, but clearly has codependency issues, too. Soon after we became an official couple, he was the one to put up walls this time, he grew distant, stopped calling/texting as much, got too busy to hang out. I thought, well here's an opportunity to end this and get on with our lives before I get in too deep and he refused the break up! He wanted to work it out, said he thought we were "meant to be" said that our communication breakdown was imagined, that he is still really into me and wants to be together. I sort of took his "fighting for me" as a sign that he was different from other guys, and said I would think about it. Well, I am so confused I don't know what to do. I don't want to run from another relationship, but feel like, "Whoa! I don't even know this dude!"

This is crazy. Yet crazy is what I know. Why am I doing this??? From what I can reason from my mixed up thinking, I'm sticking it out with this guy in order to...

a) find out if when I get to know the guy better he might be "the one"

b) prove that I can make a relationship work, as I have failed so many times before 

c) not let fear chase me away.

d) not fail AGAIN and admit defeat.

Can anyone offer me any help or advice? I feel so trapped and uncertain. I wonder if I'm being controlled/manipulated. I wonder if there is any hope for me... for us? I don't even really know what I want. I liked the feelings of attraction, the physical pull toward another person. I loved the excitement and anticipation in the beginning. Then as soon as we went to the next level, all that was GONE and we were bickering, having gaps in communication, misunderstanding each other, feeling hot/cold toward one another, equally wanting to work things out and run away. I don't know what to do. I am in inner turmoil. He says he loves me! I wonder, how can you love someone you've known 2 months? I like him, but I just don't know. I'm filled with anxiety. HELP! I'm in deep. I'm so embarrassed! In all other ways I have my life together. I love my job. I pay my bills on time. I'm a good mother. I am a successful woman with a masters degree...I am working a strong recovery program. I just can't get the dating-love-relationship thing right.  I just want to move to another state, hide under some heavy covers, throw my phone out the window, and not have to think about this again. *SIGH* Heather 



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Read this maybe?

http://coda.activeboard.com/t41485576/codependent-or-relationship-addiction/?r=366752

reminds of the last "Texts from last night" I just saw on Facebook

Texts From Last Night
‎(281): She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out


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Thanks Lin. I read this thread back in March and was disturbed by it, and confused so did not reply to it. I read it when I was just beginning this most recent roller coaster affair, so was thinking I was just doing some "friendly dating." NO big deal, right? Just dinner and a movie...and what? You wanna move in with me?

My problem right now is, how do you back off when you've started something too fast? It is almost as if this thing is doomed from the get go. Like it was doomed before our first date. Like I'm predestined to f*ck everything up, every time. UGH! THat is so depressing. I know I did it again. It's just like hearing Brittney Spears singing over and over again in my head, "Oops I did it again" and I can't change the song, much as I hate it. The issue is, I'm in the middle of it now, and don't know if there is any healthy way through it or out of it. I think most likely I am codependent AND have some degree of relationship addiction. Does that plus alcoholism make me a "triple winner?" Goody! (insert sarcasm) Maybe joining a convent is the only way out of this one.

And for the record HE facebook relationship requested me, I didn't initiate it... though I did say yes. We're both equally as demented! Maybe we are two peas in a pod, who totally deserve each other.

At any rate, I still don't know what I'm going to do, but I feel more effed up than ever. I really do love myself, believe I am worthy of love, and am seeking to have a loving relationship...I just don't know how to go about it. Guess I will do nothing for now, just make it through today sober and get to some meetings. Thanks for your response! HK

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Heatherk that's sounds familiar. I qot a lot help from attendinq a Claudia Black seminar in '90. It was 2 whole days with course materials, called "Relationships in recovery". I looked awhile aqo to see if she has a book by that name. The core of the course was the 5 levels of intimacy. Let me qo look for a post in the AA board. Here it is http://aa.activeboard.com/t38234041/dating/?r=918558

 

Several qood posts in there from Linbaba and mine on the 5 levels of intamacy



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It is so interesting post on “dating to relationship in one week”. These days I have also been dating a guy on Gay Hookup website. We are dating each other since two weeks and have decided to meet in reality. I want to keep this real date quite short and memorable. Does anyone have tips?

 



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Serin22 wrote:

It is so interesting post on “dating to relationship in one week”. These days I have also been dating a guy on Gay Hookup website. We are dating each other since two weeks and have decided to meet in reality. I want to keep this real date quite short and memorable. Does anyone have tips?

 


 Just be HONEST!



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HeatherK wrote:


I don't know why I can't do the dating thing. I try, I really do. But somehow casual dating zooms into the relationship zone for me all-too-naturally, without any effort whatsoever. I always start it out trying to "take it slow"... yeah right. That's like me trying to sip a shot of whiskey out of a tiny straw. I am an alcoholic with codependency issues, so I tend to get involved with people just like me, and when there is attraction, there is wildfire. It happens fast, I usually get intimate too soon, I backpedal and put up walls, I panick, I usually bail or go to "crazytown" so he bails.

That is all the sad and sorry consequences of not know how to make a relationship work so, the moment difficulties arise, one or both of you begin hiding behind defenses and the relationship falls apart.  Not saying every relationship needs to survive and go on forever but, when you have good relationship skills (google it), any relationship has a better chance to last FOREVER if the partners want it to.  My late wife and I made our 2nd marriage to each other last all the way until her untimely death last May (2016) thanks to learning and USING a few powerful relationship skills and teachings from books.

 

 

 When freed from the "relationship" (which usually lasted all of 2 or 3 months), I feel relieved and vow I won't go there again. I'm fine on my own, I tell myself. Soon, I'm finding myself attracted to someone else, we flirt, he asks me out, we start "dating"...I tell myself to take it slow, and the whole thing repeats again. I don't know if what I'm saying is that I'm powerless, or that relationships for me are unmanageable, but I can say honestly that this pattern has been repeated over and over in my life, and has not once yielded a healthy, successful long-term relationship.

It could have lasted if you both had studied and USED a few good relationship tips.

This is crazy. Yet crazy is what I know. Why am I doing this??? From what I can reason from my mixed up thinking, I'm sticking it out with this guy in order to...

a) find out if when I get to know the guy better he might be "the one".

 

Jim: LOL, there is no such thing as "the one"!  There is, however, KNOWING HOW to KEEP the "One", once you find them.

b) prove that I can make a relationship work, as I have failed so many times before

IMO, unless you get busy studying up on how to make it work, you and your partner will fall right back into the same old mistakes as before.

Can anyone offer me any help or advice?

I don't give advice so all I can say is that learning and USING good relationship skills is what my late wife and I did to have a very happy, loving and satisfying marriage for 26 years until she died of health complications back in May 2016 so google: relationship skills and begin learning all you and your partner can about actually DOING what it teaches.

good luck, jim


 



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