I could not find a post about Step 5 so thought I would pick things up.

" . . . and the truth will make you free." -John 8:32 RSV

Step 5: "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." Step 5 of CoDA

The author starts by explaining how honesty was not something she had known since the time she could talk.  "I had no honesty training".  Whether it be about who she was, what she felt, what she liked or didn't like - it was not available to her. 

Working the steps "catapulted" her into a new way of life.  She worked this step with a Clergy person and from there the idea of honesty started to spread in her life.  Her goal in this chapter is to discuss the actual step, but also the concept of honesty and vulnerability in all areas of life.

Admitted to Another Human Being

Confession is a practice you see in many religions and they say it is good for the soul.  For us Codependents, it heals the soul.  There are many descriptions of Codependency, but many call it "soul-sickness".  In recovery we focus on ourselves and healing our soul and improving our relationships, beginning with the relationship with ourselves.

It is imperative that we begin this process by unloading all the guilt, shame, fear and other bad things that are weighing us down.  We need to reconnect to ourselves and our Higher Power and we do that by being honest.  The fourth step enables us to identify these things about ourselves and as we are going through this step these things may begin to surface and weigh us down.  It is important to move on to Step 5 as soon as possible. 

It is important to chose someone who has experience in hearing a 5th step.  We then get to be open, honest and take responsibility.  This may be the first time we have done this in our lives.  Sometimes this step is profound right when it is happening and others don't feel it's effects for some time.  Some feel after completing the step, that it has done it's job and it is time to move forward.  Others feel they need to go back to their fourth step and do a little more work and come back the this Step again.  No matter what happens in this step, all we need to do is our best, the best we can do at the time.  It can take multiple times working this step over years to continue to reveal, peel back the layers of ourselves.  It is always important to chose a qualified person to listen to your 5th step.

She writes, "We learn that nobody is perfect and nobody needs to be.  But when something bothers us, we need to get it out into the light to be healed from it."  She continues by saying, "One guiding rule for all my Fifth Steps has been this: Whatever it is I most don't want to discuss is what I most need to talk honestly about.  To be healed, whatever I am most afraid and ashamed to share is probably what I most need to share at the time."

Daily Honesty

Taking a 5th step is very difficult, but even more difficult is learning how to be open and honest with others about who we are.  When we feel good it is easy to share.  What we need to share is when we are feeling bad about ourselves.  When we feel weak, frightened or needy.  The author shares about her need to be perfect, to hide her feelings from others and herself.  She had been denying her own needs and feelings and in recovery she had to learn to take these things to others.

"It is good for the soul to learn to reach out when we need to do that.  We aren't a bother.  We aren't a burden."  She states that when she expresses her needs she actually becomes less needy because she takes responsibility and it stops controlling her. 

I felt the next part of this chapter was so crucial for my codependency recovery I have quoted the entire thing hoping it will help others.  "Not revealing myself in my relationships is turning out to be the ultimate way I try to control them.  If I don't tell you how I feel, what I want, what I think, then maybe you'll like me.  If I become who you want me to be, if I don't rock the boat, if I don't own my power, then you'll like me.  Then I can control the course of the relationship.  That is an illusion.  When I don't reveal who I am, my relationships become superficial, and my real self will ultimately emerge, anyway.  By the time it does, I will feel resentful, angry, and needy.  It doesn't work to put our lives on hold for anyone."

Admitted to God and to Ourselves

We need to take who we are, what we want, what we need, everything about ourselves to God.  That is what he wants.  We also need to be honest about who we are with ourselves. 

Setting Ourselves Free

The author talks about how, when in relationships, she can talk herself into bad behaviors.  Not being honest, not reaching out, not being vulnerable and how she reasons her way into this and gets stuck.  She also explains how she feels when she makes a mistake, how she hides from herself and others out of fear and guilt.  Not accepting who she is.  The answer to these problems is the same.  Being honest, reaching out, sharing with someone else who is safe and trustworthy.

She tells about getting into this place recently and how much guilt she felt ... she writes recovery books!  Should she hide?  She fell back on her recovery and reached out, was honest, and made amends.  She was set free. 

The Cleansing Steps

Step 4 and 5 and often referred to together.  It is important to go swiftly from the 4th to the 5th step.  These are tools that help us a do our housecleaning.  Without these tools it would be like removing a screw with your fingernails when a screwdriver would work so much better.  It is our opportunity to take responsibility for and accept ourselves.  God is trustworthy and we can choose safe and trustworthy people to talk to if we are open and listen.  Learn how to be open regularly.  This does not mean with everyone, we do not want to over do it.  Yet emotional honesty needs to become a habit. 

Activities

1.  Have you taken a formal Fifth Step?  What was the impact of that on your life and your feelings about yourself?

2.  Are you in the habit of sharing yourself - who you are - with other people?  When was the last time you called someone because you needed to talk about something?  Do you talk to people about what you're going through when you're going through it, or do you wait until you've resolved the incident yourself, then report it after the fact?

3.  Is there someone in your life now whom you need to talk to?  Is there something goin on - a feeling, a need, or an issue - that you don't want to talk about, but need to?  Is there someone you're avoiding because you have something difficult to say?

4.  In the past week, have you treated yourself or another person badly?  You may want to choose someone safe and trusted and tell that person what you have done.  Then tell God.

5.  Each morning for the next week, when you wake up, take a moment to notice what you're feeling.  Often, we're at our most vulnerable in those quiet moments before we begin the activity of the day.  Check in with yourself emotionally.  Take a moment to tell God what you're feeling.  Tell yourself.  Within the next four hours, sooner if possible, tell someone else what you are feeling.  You don't have to make a "feelings group" out of it; just disclose honestly what you are feeling.  Do this same activity once more during the day - either at the end of the workday, after supper, or during a quiet time in the evening.

6.  The next time a big feeling strikes - hurt, fear, anger, joy, blessedness, pleasure - call another person and talk about what you're feeling while you're feeling it.