"I always learn the hard way. But come to think of it, so do most people. Rarely have I heard a person say, 'I learn the easy way.'" ~Gary E.
Step Six: "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." ~Step Six of CoDA
The chapter begins with a woman telling how she does not own her own power, how she feels like a disappointment to everyone, even God. The author suggested she try step 6 & 7 and the woman replied by saying she was working them, and the more she did the more she noticed what she was doing. The author replied by telling her that was good, it means they are working!
The steps seem to come in groups, 1 - 3, 4 & 5, and 6 & 7. Steps 6 & 7 are the steps that transform us.
Our Protective Devices
Many codependents "defects" are protective devices or survival skills we have learned to take care of ourselves. The only problem is that they have now begun to hurt us. What things are you willing to let go of?
Our tight grasp on people Controlling Manipulation Our need to control and manipulate Desperation Our fears Old feelings that may be clogging us up Negative, limiting beliefs Worry The need to blame our pain on others Waiting to be happy Low self-esteem Our self-neglect, and the belief that we aren't responsible for ourselves and cannot take care of ourselves Our desire to have others take care of, or be responsible for, us Self-rejection Self-hatred Lack of self-trust Lack of trust in God, life, and the process of recovery Our trust issues with people-inappropriately placed trust, and not trusting when it is appropriate Our addictions Guilt Shame-that pervading sense that who we are is not okay
The list goes on and is not limited to defects, it can be applied to feelings as well.
"A friend once asked me ow much we needed to let go of. 'Just about everything,' I told her. 'Even the good we want.'"
We are meant to travel lightly on this journey and letting go of hopes, dreams, people, relationships and more means we won't try to control them. "Letting go is the opposite of fear."
What is the use of working on and identifying all these things if we are going to just let them go? The purpose is to overcome, let go, and then receive.
Becoming Ready to Let Go
Becoming aware that behaviors that once protected us are now hurting us can be frustrating. Then we are aware of these behaviors and keep repeating them over and over. Suddenly it is time to change. Awareness, Acceptance, and Change. We don't have to worry or work ourselves to death over changing our behaviors, we can identify what we want to change, become ready to let it go, and then watch the change happen.
It can be difficult to let go of those behaviors we used to protect ourselves but don't worry, nothing will be removed that we need, and things that are removed will be replaced with something better.
The Letting Go Step
Sometimes as we navigate our pasts things come up that cause us to feel things we should have felt years ago. This fear and pain may trigger us to act out in codependent ways, to try to manipulate and control others. This is a perfect time for step 6. Becoming ready to have these painful feelings removed and ready for change and learning to trust in God, trust the process, and trust ourselves. "Lessons don't go away. They keep repeating themselves until we learn. In fact, when it's time to change, it becomes harder to stay the same than it does to change."
"This step give us permission to relax, trust, and become willing. It gives us permission to be who we are and let this process of change happen to us."
Activities
1. What are the hard-to-handle beliefs, behaviors, feelings, wants, or needs that you're struggling with right now? You may want to begin affirming that you are becoming ready to let go of these issues.
2. How would it make your life different if you believed that you could just relax and let this process called recovery happen to you?
3. Make a list of everything you would like changed about yourself. Include on it the things you would like to stop doing, things you would like to start doing, any family-of-origin work you'd like to accomplish, things you'd like to get and have. Put everything you can think of on the list, everything you'd like to be part of your future. Then put the list away and let go of everything on it.
4. Do you believe it's safe to trust God and this process called recovery?
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
It is amazing how timely this excercise has been for me. I know from experience that it felt like taking someone through the steps offered me WAY more than it did them. Doing this so it is available to others is EXACTLY what I need to be doing right now.
Each time I study a step more is revealed ... which in the beginning I thought was just foolish. I figured "I read it, I did it... what more is there?" There is SOOOO much more. I also figured there would only be one bottom in my life ... "Whew, glad that is over ... now that I have these tools I will never be here again!"
NOT
It is purely progress not perfection. I celebrate the advances I have made but have become humble enough (finally) to realize that I may make MANY of them again and there are so many I haven't even touched yet.
Eventually things become so painful that the need to let go ... that willingness to let go ... that time you are praying on your knees with tears running down your face for God to please ... please just take this from me. That moment you give up the fight that your way is right and you will control it and make it happen the way it should. That moment you say ... I know, I have been doing this over and over, I have KNOWN I was doing this over and over, the little voice in the back of my head said "this is a REALLY bad idea" but I plunged in anyway (this time will be different!!! LOL!!). Then finally you just throw in the towel and let it go ... and yes, it finally becomes so painful that change is inevitable. And for me, I don't know about anyone else, but for me ... that is when the truth is clear(er).
There is such beauty in that. Especially for me now ... here ... right this very second.
Repeating the same things over and over expecting different results = insanity.
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
