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Post Info TOPIC: Step Study - Step 10


Guru

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Step Study - Step 10
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"I do Step Ten all the time.  Too much, I think.  Admitting I was wrong was very, very difficult for me in the beginning.  Now, I still don't like to have to do it, but I do it anyway." - Beth M

Step Ten: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it." - Step Ten of CoDA

Perhaps we have acted inappropriately, this step gives us the opportunity to apologize.  Perhaps we have started acting out old behaviors, this step gives us the chance to forgive ourselves and get back on track.  Perhaps a relationship is our lives is filled with discord and anger, we have lost ourselves and stopped taking care of ourselves, this step allows us to learn our lessons from the relationship.  This step doesn't have to be a ruthless inventory of ourselves everyday, but a way to keep the focus on ourselves instead of others and apologize to ourselves or others so we don't carry the shame and guilt with us into the future.

Continued to Take Personal Inventory

Being Codependent for some of us might mean letting others define us.  What they do or don't do, say, think of us, how they treat us, how we wished they would change so we could be happy, we let them control our lives.  That is an illusion.  Hopefully through the process of working the Steps to this point we have turned the focus inward and started soul searching.  Working steps 4 through 9, taking our inventory, turning it over, and then cleaning house.

This is the maintenance step where we get to continue to work on ourselves.  This is not a punishing step where we live under a microscope.  This is where we continue to take responsibility for ourselves and our behaviors.  This step requires that we use our intellect, not our feelings, to review ourselves.  We may feel guilt where we shouldn't and we may not where we should.  "We can think.  With our new insights we can take a look at ourselves each day and lovingly figure out what it is we need to do to take care of ourselves."

Admitting When We're Wrong

"The words 'I was wrong and I'm sorry' are so healing.  To be able to give or receive those words, then let go of an incident, is one of the many gifts I've been given in this process called recovery."

Many of us grew up with punishing people.  We also became the punishers, even doing it to ourselves.  Not being able to forgive, trust, or accept others or ourselves.  Working the steps and then maintaining and practicing with this step allow us to accept and give apologies, feel our feelings, and accept reality.

Continuing to Love Ourselves

This is also a wonderful tool to identify what we are doing wrong to ourselves and promptly admitting it.  When we neglect, punish, start to care take, not being honest, or anticipating rejection we are not taking care of ourselves.  Falling back into feeling the victim or martyr needs our attention.  This is not about being perfect, it is about learning from our mistakes.  "We need not be nearly as fearful of getting off track, I've learned, as of not loving and accepting ourselves.  No matter what predicament I find myself in, by taking this Step with a loving and nurturing attitude toward myself, I can get out.  Shaming myself, not accepting, and not trusting myself don't work."

A Time to Inventory

Some people like to take this step daily at night or in the morning.  Some feel that this step will find them when they need it.  It may call on us to go back to other Steps, but we need to ask the right questions, focusing on ourselves, our behaviors, take responsibility for ourselves and trust in the answers. 

Look for What's Good, Too

It is important in this Step to also look for what we have done right.  As Codependents we tend to look at what is wrong so as part of our recovery we learn to pay attention to what is right.  What progress have we made in our recovery?  We may be doing it awkwardly, but are we trying?  This is part of self-awareness and self-love.  "No matter where we are, who we are, or what we're doing, even on our worst days - especially on our worst days - we can find one thing we did right, something good about ourselves and our lives to dwell on." 

"Identifying the negatives and the problems will help us solve them.  Empowering the good will help that to grow too."

Maintaining Self-Esteem

This Step allows us to stay anchored in our continued practice of looking inward instead of outward.  Sometimes this steps brings new issues to light that we need to work on.  It lets us see the imperfections in ourselves and others and accept them.  Practicing this Step will become easier, we will start to see it's rewards.  We will find that when we need to practice this Step, and do not, we become unbalanced.  Just be patient, as we practice these new behaviors they become easier.  We do not need to control the process, we need to trust in it and let it take it's course.  As time goes by, this practice can become as natural to us as our survival skills were.

"Now, as I'm learning to be more comfortable with myself, I find it somewhat easier to admit my wrongs.  I am more open, vulnerable, and humble about this process of growth and recovery."

Activity

1.  How do you continue your process of self-awareness and inventorying? Do you spend time each morning or evening reviewing your day? Or do you allow your insights to happen naturally, as you go through life and recovery? Do you combine tactics? What works best for you?

2.  When was the last time you caught yourself doing something you didn't feel good about? Did you take care of the issue promptly?

3.  Either daily or weekly, force yourself to find one thing in your life and one idea about yourself that is good. Affirm that good until it sinks in and feels real.  Strive to find one thing that you like about someone who is important to you, then take the risk of telling that person.

4.  Watch for ways that fear, anger, and resentment arise in your life.  Watch for beliefs underlying these feelings. Watch for ways that your anger toward yourself influences your anger and behavior toward others and yourself.

5.  What is the affirmation you and your inner child most need in your life today?  Do you need to tell yourself that all is well, that you can slow down and take your time? Do you need to promise yourself that you will protect and take care of yourself in a particular relationship? Do you need to affirm that the love you want and need is coming to you and that you deserve a loving relationship? What is the fear or idea that is bothering you most today about yourself and your life? Are you facing a stressful or a fear-producing circumstance? Are you feeling inadequate about something? Create a loving, nurturing affirmation that helps you and your inner child know that your life will be fine.



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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi



Guru

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I really enjoy this step.  I was talking to a friend the other day and he was expressing how he had found something in his life, not the 12 steps, but went through a process and achieved some balance and serenity in his life.  He was upset now because it is gone and he wants it back.  He had done some reading and found the author saying you need to continue to practice to maintain this balance, or place of bliss.  He wasn't very happy with that answer.

I told him about my experience with the 12 steps and how I agree with the person.  This is Step 10 for me.  Practice.  It is obvious when I slip, when I let someone else have control of my feelings, put their feelings before my own, or treat someone poorly.  I can really tell when I stop doing this step, stop caring for myself and keeping my focus on my goal of growth and discovery.  I become unbalanced.  The way it feels to me is my head gets really noisy and scattered.

There is a scene in Eat Pray Love where the main character has fallen in love and she refuses to lose her balance.  She fights against being open to love in fear of losing herself again.  Her teacher in the movie said that in life you lose balance to love.  I completely agree.  I am going to lose balance, in love, in death of loved ones, at the end of a relationship and so forth.  I can use this step to get back on track faster.  A new love is so much fun, but eventually I need to get back to my routine, to caring for myself, to my center.  I am learning how to do this while adding another person into my life and it is a tough lesson, but getting back to that place of comfort is essential for me.  I identified a lot with the character in the movie, fighting against losing balance and the emotional highs and lows a relationship can bring.  I mourn the passing of people or relationships, and I use this step and others to focus back on my goal and turn my pain over and bring peace back into my life.

I found it ironic I had this conversation just before I was due to post this Step and thought it was a really beautiful thing. I slip, I get off balance, I am human.  Luckily I can always come back to the Steps, even if I have left them for a while.



__________________

Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi



Member

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Wow... now having read this, I'm going to have to go back to step one, and read each of them and work the activities at the end of them.  This is a great way to truly work the steps and understand their meaning and application.

Thanks for posting these.

John



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