Chapter 11: have a love affair with yourself

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, though 'canst not then be false to any man. - William Shakespeare

Many codependents don't like themselves.  We don't like how we look, we think we are stupid, untalented and so on.  We are convinced we are unimportant.  We may try to hide this by being perfect, having everything together, our home, our lives, our dress.  But inside we punish ourselves.  We don't trust our actions and carry shame and guilt for things we do not need to.  Our low self esteem causes the codependent behaviors we exhibit, martyrdom, victimization, controlling, fixing others, bad choices in partners and more.

This doesn't make us bad people and the fact we are here is not our fault.  We may have learned these behaviors as children or as survival skills in destructive relationships.  It may not be our fault, but it is our responsibility to learn and change these behaviors that are hurting us and others.

We can love ourselves, accept ourselves as we are with all our wonderful and not so wonderful qualities.  "The only difference between codependents and the rest of the world is that the other people don't pick on themselves for being who they are.  All people think similar thoughts and have a range of feelings.  All people make mistakes and do a few things right.  So we can leave ourselves alone."

We are the same as others in our lives.  Those people we think are beautiful, smart, successful - they are just like us but they believe in themselves and these traits shine through because of that.  "We're all working with approximately the same material - humanity.  It's how we feel about ourselves that makes the difference.  It's what we tell ourselves that makes the difference."

"Relax.  It's okay to be who we are.  Who or what else can we be?"

We can treat ourselves better and stop playing the victim.  With practice it gets easier.  We can let go of the unearned guilt and shame.  If we are feeling guilt for wrongs we have done, we can deal with that, take our inventory, make amends and move on.  We need to love ourselves and hold ourselves in high esteem like we do others.  "Out of high self-esteem will come true acts of kindness and charity, not selfishness."

Activity

1.  How do you feel about yourself?  Write about it.  Include the things you like or don't like bout yourself.  Reread what you have written.