I feel pain & work on letting it go. My life has taken on new energy & I see a bright future. Recognising triggers has been a huge part of my growth. Instead of walking into a situation that will bring more pain, I make different choices. I change my thoughts as well. I know I am being healed as the pain isn't so excruciating. Thanks to the Twelve Steps, I feel stronger & more serene.
I am failing miserably at this stuff. I have 2 men that I've been friends with for years. One for 14 yrs. (who says he loves me but is still with his wife of 23 yrs.) and one for 6 yrs. (whom I've never met in person but have spent 5 hrs/night on the phone with for 6 yrs. only to realize he really needs a mother but tries to make me think he cares) Actually, I guess they aren't really friendships because all I seem to be is a 24 hr. ATM or call center for venting. I don't want to grow old alone. I'm 60 already and I still want to feel the passion, companionship, hugs, conversation, etc., of a loving relationship...something I've never had in spite of 4 failed marriages and several wasted relationships. I have tried to cut the ties and the codependence that has gone with these 2 relationships but as soon as I talk to one of them and they are in need of anything, esp. money, all my hardness goes right out the window and I'm used again. I've changed my tel. # many times to cut them off but then I get an email saying how I'm hurting their feelings and I cave in again. All of this in an effort to be in a loving relationship. Why can't I stop this behavior and make better choices? I don't want to hurt anyone or see anyone go without something they need. I have spent a fortune sending these 2 men money, food for themselves or their pets, paid Dr's & vet bills, sent bedding, kitchenware...OMG the list could go on forever. I just don't know what to do and if I have to live the rest of my life alone then life holds no purpose for me anymore. But I sure am tired of trying to pay for something I never get.
I am sorry you are frustrated. I have a difficult time just stopping something I am doing cold turkey, most of the time. For some reason, especially when it is bad for me ... go figure. Smoking, eating poorly, bad relationships ... I can't seem to just toss them out the window and change overnight.
I had to start slowly. First I had to see the reason for the change and convince myself that I will be better in the end. If I don't believe this, forget it. Then what I started to do was opposing behavior some of the time. It is hard to exercise and smoke at the same time . And the more I exercise the better I feel and when I smoke it feels AWFUL. Same with relationships. I start being active, going places - even if by myself. I don't do crowds really well. Take a walk, take a bath, read a book. Positive things to offset the negative HOURS on the phone listening to someone complain about life who does nothing to change it. The more positive in my life, the WORSE this negative stuff was to tolerate and it drove the other person NUTS! (not a good thing) They felt abandoned because I was no longer where they were. I was doing things and they weren't. Makes sense and I wasn't willing to sit around and gather dust and they weren't willing to get out of their chair. So, the natural thing happened. If I just start taking care of myself more and more, even if I have to force myself, the scales seem to tip automatically eventually.
I kept going back to a relationship that was bad for me but each time I was getting better at taking care of myself and I needed it less. The drama no longer hooked me. The cries of neediness having a completely different effect on me.
I still waffle on the smoking and the eating healthier is still a work in progress as well. But I am improving and if I KEEP doing that ... I will have it licked in no time.
I think if I expected myself to change overnight I would not even try because I KNOW I would fail. Progress not perfection!
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
. And the more I exercise the better I feel and when I smoke it feels AWFUL. Same with relationships. I start being active, going places - even if by myself. I don't do crowds really well. Take a walk, take a bath, read a book. Positive things to offset the negative HOURS on the phone listening to someone complain about life who does nothing to change it. The more positive in my life, the WORSE this negative stuff was to tolerate and it drove the other person NUTS! (not a good thing) They felt abandoned because I was no longer where they were. I was doing things and they weren't. Makes sense and I wasn't willing to sit around and gather dust and they weren't willing to get out of their chair. So, the natural thing happened. If I just start taking care of myself more and more, even if I have to force myself, the scales seem to tip automatically eventually.