My husband of 9 years, first 4+ drinking last 4+ sober told me I drove him away, made him feel beat down and that i was too controlling, he left after feeling this way for 2 years but never talking to me about it, always saying it was work or sobriety or something unrelating to me. I am in shock, i am greiving, i found out he cheated as well. I am grieving for a marriage and a husband that were merely a fantasy in my own head but completely different for him. I feel unloved, taken for granted, used. I am realizing my husband is self centered and self absorbed, he has no self worth and no self esteem. He has blamed me for all his emotions and his inability to cope with life after removing the alcohol. I read co-dependent no more. But i am having a hard time letting go of the pain of what has happened. I don't want to cover it up and not deal with it, i don't want to dwell on the past, i don't want to pretend it didn't happen, yet i can't bear to drag it around with me day in and day out. How do I stay present with my grief and yet continue to function? How do i look at my part in this when i am hurting so badly over lost dreams, lost marriage, lost reality. I was so co-dependent i disappeared completely, making no decisions, no plans, no anticipations for fear he would think i was controlling him. When all along he was controlling me. He couldn't tolerate that i had my own emotions, thoughts, ideas, feelings, i was supposed to not react, not talk, not think anything differently than him. i read the co-dependent book and part of me thinks i am somehow the extreme opposite? I spent so long protecting my self esteem that i can do no wrong? I have a career i love, an extended family that i love, friends who love me unconditionally, a daughter who is my life, so if I have all these things then why does he feel like I need him to "be my whole life?" why does he think i need to get my own life? How can i possibly be clingy and controlling when i only see him for maybe 20 minutes during the day because he leaves for meetings, for running, for work, for his friends, for his fun activities, but is never present or around me? I feel like i am so defensive i can't see my part in this. Like i am hurting so badly from this loss that the only way i can heal is to be angry and tell myself he is horrible. But the truth is he was not dealing with recovery and doesn't know how to love or put someone else first or how to allow others to have feelings. He was hurting and made bad decisions. but now he is in counseling, healing and getting better while i am falling apart...
Welcome to MIP! We are so glad you found us. I am so sorry you are hurting and remember feeling many of the things you described in your post. It is all very confusing and painful.
I remember when I was in the same place I got into a 12 step program and worked the steps with a sponsor. There were no immediate answers and I don't think I could have seen them if they were there through the pain and anger. Doing this work gave me something else to focus on as well, so there is added bonus. I got to focus on ME. I was able to roll up my sleeves and get to work and stop thinking of ways to go smother this guy in his sleep (just kidding ... mostly).
I love the way the steps are laid out. In my state of emotional upheaval I got to focus on one thing at a time. There is no magic pill. The pain doesn't just go away. I had to work through it, feel it, try to understand it. I yo-yo'd around, thought I understood some things and learned differently later ... and probably will again. There is no perfection in this process but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I think the most profound thing I can offer you is this ...
I am now grateful for the relationship that brought me to recovery. I know I wouldn't be the person I am today if it hadn't happened and life is now better than I ever thought it could be. I imagine, after 4 years of working on myself, that it will only keep getting better as I continue learn to navigate relationships and learn more about myself. When I was where you are I couldn't even fathom being grateful. I was utterly consumed my anger and hatred toward this person who I had let hurt me so badly.
Reaching out is the first step in the process and I am so glad you found us. Have you looked for an Al-Anon or CoDA meetings in your area? Face to face support is invaluable as well as finding a sponsor to work with. You are not alone. We understand. We have been where you are in one way or another.
Please keep coming back and sharing with us. We are here for you.
Willing
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.