Hello. I'm New - Obsessed With Unavailable Man - Miracles In Progress Codependents Anonymous Group

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

Hello. I'm New - Obsessed With Unavailable Man

fap123 · Senior Member

Welcome, You will fit in well here. Plenty of people here can relate to these feelings you described. When you find too much free time on your hands. Jump into reading or doing a step. There is a lot of material on here to help wake us up to, recognize the un rational behaviors we all have from time to time. Peace

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

Thank you fap123. I will do some reading.

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

I hadn't really made the comparison before, but although the man I live so much does not drink, in some ways he is like an alcoholic. He can be lovely to be around or he can change moods very quickly and be unkind.

i didn't think Zi was trying to fix him, but I suppose I have been because Ive been jumping hoops to try and change his behaviour. He said to me tonight: "I'm never going to change. I. Always going to be grumpy." I walk on egg shells, I try to do things and speak with him to snap him out of his moods.

i blame his father for damaging him by abandoning him. I feel so angry that he still hurts over his father, and that despite his father returning many years later, he can't confront his father, and Zi feel like the victim - that I cop it because if what he can't say to his father.

i want him to change. I am imposing my will in a passive way, covertly manipulative.

im not facing my I own stuff - I think if I can fix him, he will love me the way I want him to. I need him to love me in a fantasy type of way because deep down -or not so deep - I believe myself to be unloveable and not as good as or as liveable as other women.

fap123 · Senior Member

You're one busy lady, The question I had to ask myself in this type of situation is, FAP123 are you happy?

I think I would find it quite exhausting after awhile. The walking on egg shells, trying to snap my partner into a better mood.

Sooner or later the reality of the situation will wake us up to the idea of "accepting the things I cannot change, and changing the thing I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.

Learning to do things for our self is key to getting un-stuck. If I want to go for a healthy walk. I will state that to my partner to see if she would like to join me. If not, I go and enjoy myself without guilt or wondering what she is doing.

A healthy relationship is 50/50. give and take. Not twisting myself into a pretzel so someone will love me, or not leave me.

We all believe we are un-lovable, and focus on are own short comings way more than anyone looking at us will.

Some examples of this is the so called super stars like Prince, or Michel Jackson. They had access to any one, or anything they wanted. And yet they still could not find happiness without using or abusing drugs. They allowed themselves to get caught up in the ego of what do people think? And then proceeded to overwork themselves to exhaustion. The drugs that they could easily get kept them running until they OD.

I can enjoy a simpler life without having to medicate myself to feel good. These so called super stars, no doubt saw way more of this planet than I. The main difference is I don't do drugs to feel good about myself. I just do what I can to improve my appearance like walking/running to stay fit. As I enjoy life wherever I find myself, others opportunities come my way. And if I not tie in a knot like a pretzel. I can explore if this new connection meets my healthy person criteria. If not I can simple move on.
Peace

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

Thank you fap. You have given me things to think about.

willing · Guru

Hello Blossoms103,

Glad you found us.

I have been where you are and it is so difficult. For me, I believe I was attracted to the unavailability and clung to the fantasy that I could change them, that perhaps I was valuable enough for someone to change for me. It was a loop I was in for some time. Like you, the men who were actually attracted to me and showed me the attraction and healthiness I craved were not attractive to me.

Working the steps, learning my value and how to love myself, and really grabbing onto reality and fighting the fantasy was and still is a challenge, but it helps. In recovery they often call it going to the hardware store for bread. Why would I do that? I know they don't have bread. Would I then look at the person behind the counter with righteous indignation and consider them or myself as flawed in some way because they don't carry bread? In the same way if I look to a man who is not emotionally mature, open and loving to give me emotional intimacy and love. Perhaps they just aren't capable of it, at least not in the manner that I need. It doesn't make them or me "bad" - it just is what it is! Like the hardware store. I speak from experience from the other side of the fence. Most of my adult life I was the avoidant. I didn't want an overly emotional or complicated relationship. But guess what! I attracted emotional men and I drove them CRAZY. I would be aloof, not on purpose - but that is how I was raised, and they would chase me until they couldn't stand it anymore and then take off, usually with some colorful language on the way out.

But in recovery I learned how to identify my feelings and not numb them away through bad habits. I learned how to communicate my feelings and my voice still shakes and I feel like I am going to pass out, but I speak my truth with I messages and kindness. I feel like I am honoring myself to the highest level when I do that. It is terrifying, but after - regardless how it goes - I feel very REAL and that I stood up for and loved myself.

So since I came into recovery some years back, I have been in your shoes. Attracted to emotionally unavailable men. The last one I was a bit blind-sided because in the beginning it was AMAZING. Yes, I know ... the honeymoon period ... but I wasn't watching for honeymoon stuff. I was watching for fantasy stuff and trying to avoid it, to stay in reality and not rush ahead. I did really well and I thought I had struck gold, that all of my recovery paid off. Then overnight, BOOOM, he changed to the aloof - unavailble man. Literally, the next morning he was a different man. He swears I did nothing, that something he just "switches off", so I was patient, forgiving, accepting ... then I wasn't and I expressed how I felt and how I wanted to get back to where we were. Apparently it wasn't possible so I had to let go. For me. It hurt like hell, I didn't want to walk away, but do I want to spend the next days, months, years feeling less than? Undesired? Walking on eggshells? No. And this isn't my first relationship or my first heartbreak and I got through and over the past ones so this one will pass too. I deserve to be loved. I want to love someone. I will not settle.

I had to walk through the pain, like putting down a drink, quitting smoking or any other vice. I had to walk THROUGH the discomfort, quiet the voice inside my head that said it was my fault and I wasn't enough, and focus with all my might on things that made me feel good. He wasn't one of them.

I hope that helps.

Willing

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

Omg Willing, you could have been writing about me! Very good analogy about the hardware store and bread. I'm still very much struggling and very well though I've been trying to do steps 1and 2. I know for sure that I'm unhealthy. I know the childhood traumas that I'm re-enacting. I'm mature-aged and haven't had one healthy honest relationship with a man.
Pits exhausting. My mind feels crazy and I spend so much time crying and just existing.

Of late, he has stepped up his rejecting and distant behaviour and needless to say, I'm hurting a lot. Like the only-dependants described in the literature, I have other aspects of my life I should be focusing and getting together. I'm always tired. Today I have to go to hospital for routine cancer screening since I was diagnosed with low-grade carcinoma in 2011. He's never bed. There for me for any of this though took me for granted when I was there for him when he has been ill

I just feel like I want to go back to sleep and sleep for as long as I can.

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

Willing, I am so sorry for what you have been through, especially the last time. Was similar for me.

willing · Guru

Thank you for your kind thoughts, but no need to be sorry. These experiences are the cycle of life, many have gone before us and had the same experiences, regardless of time or environment - it is the human condition.

The important thing for me is to be aware of this and change how I let it affect my life.

Recently I was thinking about my great aunt. When I was a child in an abusive home my Aunt and Uncle would take me away once a week to piano lessons and some Sundays I would go to church with them. I would get to spend the night at their house and they would spoil me rotten, show me unconditional love and let me know how special I was. I would get home after and be berated "You think you are so special ..." They never had any children of their own and they loved me to pieces. We moved away from them when I was nine. My uncle passed when I was 14 and I am not one who believes in a spiritual connection between humans or things of that nature, but from the other side of the country he came to me in my dreams. One night to tell me he was sick and another to tell me he was dying. The next morning on both occasions I woke to hear the news I already new. It was very odd and gives me goosebumps to this day.

I moved back to my home town as a young adult and never really had time for my aging Aunt. I would stop by once in a while, long periods of time between. Years passed and one time when I stopped by she said she needed help. She needed out of her house and into a home, her health and mental faculties where failing. I was "too busy" so I passed it off to my family members. The church noticed that we had stepped in and took her to an attorney and got a restraining order (again, her mental state wasn't good). They cleaned up and sold the house, shoved her in a home for the aging, had her sign all her money over to them and walked away to leave her to rot in the home. Again, I made some efforts to visit but not much.

At some point they moved her and I couldn't find her. I searched and found her skin and bones in a nasty establishment completely out of her mind. She couldn't speak and her roommate said she never had visitors. My heart was broken at what I had done. She died shortly after.

At her memorial I snuck in after it had begun and sat in the back of the room. The person speaking read a letter she had written about her life and it spoke of how even though she and my Uncle could not have children they were blessed to have me. My heart broke and I was consumed with guilt. Leaving the service I was amazed at how many people from her church recognized me, it had been decades! I was only a child then. They treated me as the bereaved daughter figure and I sunk further into my guilt. During the gathering after a table was filled with her photographs and so many were of me - even later in my life when I was ignoring her - she somehow got photos of my family and I and had them framed. I didn't give her those photos. I was the center of attention, I was the one in the room everyone thought had lost the most. It was horrible.

The point of this long story is that she loved me. I did not honor that love and I didn't know the cost of that action until later. What happened with the church was tragic and unjust and as her beneficiary I should be incensed that they stole my inheritance, but I didn't deserve it and though their actions were not morally sound, me not getting that was the most just thing ever.

That is just one example of the times I have turned away from love in my life and I imagine everyone has such stories, maybe not as severe, but we all turn away from love. In doing so we make someone feel as we are feeling when someone turns away from our love. We feel justified when we turn away because we have our reasons, but scorned and unlovable when it is done to us. It is the human condition, the story that transcends time.

In seeing this I have learned to forgive myself and others. I put enormous effort into honoring those who love me now. Even if I can't have them in my life (unhealthy, toxic etc.) I honor their love and communicate with them as fully as I can the reasons I am setting my boundaries and that I am grateful for their love. It is difficult to feel unlovable when you take notice of those who do love you.

The last bit is that recently I thought I would visit my Aunt's old house. She was there for 40 plus years and it was an important part of my childhood. Instead of waiting I put myself there in my mind. I sat on the steps of the creek next to her house and felt the rocks, heard the water and smelled the air. I looked up at her house and it is completely different now. Someone else lives there. All the neighbors I had grown up with are now gone or dead (this is not fantasy, I know it to be true). Forty years of life, forty years of human doing what humans do ... being hurt, feeling less than, struggling through life ... each of those stories is over and no one is there to honor it and no one now cares that my aunt probably sat for hours in that house wondering why I didn't love her.

I don't want to waste my time worrying like that, feeling unloved, living in pain and missing the beauty of life that is passing me by. She had every right to feel pain at my hand, but again - this is the human condition. If I feel pain at someone else's hand, what am I going to do? I can forgive and understand that this is simply the human condition and I too have hurt others in the same way. I can feel the pain, let it pass through me, let the beauty of my life and surroundings hug me through it and lean on those that do love me and let it heal me. The biggest thing for me when someone doesn't love me back is to give them my love anyway. In my heart - just let go of it and let it pass to them. I don't have to say anything, I can just accept them for who they are, love them and forgive them. Give them my love with no expectations of anything in return. That in itself is so healing.

I know that was long ... hopefully it helps.

Willing

-- Edited by willing on Thursday 26th of May 2016 09:20:17 AM

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

Thank you for your beautiful story. Since I last wrote a few days ago, something major happened in my life. My sister rang to tell me that my mother who lives 2 states away had a massive haemorrhaging stroke and the doctors said it was time for the family to gather around. I was able to get on 2 planes and be at her side less than 24 hours later.

My family are so good to my mother and whilst I speak regularly to her, Ai thought it was only around 18 months since I visited. My oldest sister says it is 4 years. I know I had tried to cone on 2 previous occasions, but one of other of my siblings would be. Going away at my planned visit, and I keep postponing.

I am sitting by my mother's side as she sleeps. She is still with us having had the stroke Friday mid-morning. It is now Sunday afternoon. She is moving both hands and speaking though hard to understand. She knows where she is. There have been problems with her heart and blood pressure, but she seems to be improving, and I'm hopeful we will have her for a while yet.

I had realised these last couple of days when I started working through the steps and book that I gave been neglectful of my family. Always wrapped up in and obsessed with an unavailable man.

Another man who is one of my neighbours stepped in and has done a lot for me to ensure I was able to go see my mother. I have hardly heard from the unavailable one. I have had some sadness when I've been alone, but mostly I'm focused on being with my mother and family right now.

Re your experience with your Aunt, I have had several family members who I didn't visit when I knew they were dying. I made all types of excuses. I'm not sure of my real reasons for not going, but I do feel guilty about that and regretful and remorseful.

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

I'm sitting here reading and re-reading your post, especially the last few paragraphs, trying to take it in fully and put into practice in my own life. Thank you again.

Beckon13 · Newbie

Hi ,

I so much identify with your post.

You are not alone in this horror.

I too am struggling to end a painful

Relationship with a narracistic man.

Born into violence. 2 alcoholic parents.

It has been a rough road.Like you,

I know I have other men who are

Available. Yet keep staying with

This horrible man. I am in greif.

Afraid I can't or don't move on.

Thank you, for your post.

Looking forward to hearing back.

Beckon13

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

Thank you Beckon. I hope you have friends who can help you during this time. I'm sorry for your pain.

My mother seems to be improving. She's very tiny but she must have some toughness or something on the inside!

I caved in and rang the unavailable man yesterday. Eventually, he called back. To his credirpt, he had offered to care for my dog while Ai was gone, but there are no phone calls or texts to say he is thinking of me. On the other hand, my neighbour who is another guy who DOES like me a lot and who has told me he has strong feelings for me has been amazing. I know guys like him don't come along every day - if this is for real. I know I can't be involved with anyone yet, but I'm realising more and more how good it feels to have a man around me who treats me very well. I also feel very comfortable around him, and I know he feels the same in my company. I know that if this nice guy was to go away or whatever that one day I will really regret not being available because I've been so wrapped up in a man who is indifferent/ambivalent with regard to me.

I suppose I need to let go enough to be getting on with the things I need to be doing to get my life right.

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

I'm doing better than I expected. My mother appears to have pulled through this time although she is in a Rehabikitation hospital ward. The man who I had been obsessed with sent me 2 very brief (one sentence) texts during the eleven days I was away. He sent me another brief one very late last night, but I haven't answered it.

A friend who cared for my pets and helped out with things like that in my absence is making his strong feelings very clear. He seems like a very nice man. I have been very honest and upfront, and clearly don't want involvement like that with anyone yet. I realise this has been a pattern with me - that I have had breakups which left me feeling devastated, and within a few months, Ive become involved with another person and just go through the whole thing again. I don't want to keep doing this. My friend does appear very genuine - probably one of the nicest guys I've known. I'm hoping I don't like his friendship, but I suspect that he is going to want more than I can give. I'm hoping I'm wrong.

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

I did quite a lot of writing on my iPad late at night while I was away and read parts of Melody Beattie. Been working on the first 3 steps as best I can and soon try step 4.

fap123 · Senior Member

In my opinion having gone through a relationship break-up. My GF cheated on me. If the one guy is texting, it's probably to keep you on the line. There are two choices. Take the bait or move on. As far as the new guy. I would suggest firmly to state you want a year of singleness. And maybe more. None of us NEED anyone to survive in life. It's a little easier with someone sometimes, but definitely not necessary.
Take time for your self to explore singleness. I've been single 3 plus years now. I get to laugh at my friends, when they complain about their relationships problems. I reflect back on my past relationship's, and thank God, at least I'm not having to deal with that in my life. lol

willing · Guru

Great job on working through the steps! Keep it up. It is SO worth it.

I love this: "The man who I had been obsessed with..."

Past tense!

Being single while working the steps let me focus on myself and learn how to BE my authentic self.

Willing

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

Yes, I'm quite certain you are right about the guy who is texting. I am not going to reply. Re the other guy, yes you are right about that too.

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

Hi Willing and thanks. Have to admit I have been having a cry over it, but I think I have let go of a lot. I have let go of trying to get him to love me. I clung all this time becoming more and more desperate. I. Sad that he doesn't love me but despite my sadness, I'm coming to accept it.

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

He started sending me texts and then not responding to my replies. I texted back this morning telling him time to move on and wish him the best. I am going to focus on letting go of him and getting on with my life.

fap123 · Senior Member

It's not easy to move on. Especially when the person plays games with your heart by calling and such. My obsession with the ex GF, I was wanting to know. Do they care? Do they miss me? these thoughts seems to never end. Took me awhile to finally realize the person I thought I knew very well. Just used me until something shiny and new came along. Finally I can see that I'm much happier without the X. Life is to short to waste it on such things.

I would suggest for what it's worth. When the thoughts of him come up. Say the serenity prayer to your self as needed. Also focus on YOURSELF, What am I doing for ME. Do whatever activities that will keep you busy and you find fun. Could be going for a walk, gardening, do activities to improve yourself.
You will be Fine.

P.S. When you reply to text or calls, it's like peeling a healing scab off to see if the wound is healing. Unfortunately it just adds more time to the process.

-- Edited by fap123 on Friday 10th of June 2016 04:59:16 PM

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

Thank you Fap. I had replied to you post earlier. Not sure what happened, but it doesn't seem to have posted. I will try saying the serenity prayer, especially at these times.

I've had a type of epiphany and believe that the reason I have been drawn to unavailable men is tied in with my relationship with alcoholic father who at times was emotionally and physically abusive father who told me that I was undeserving.

I don't think I deserve the nice guys who treat me well, and with the emotionally unavailable, it's a type of re-enactment for me in trying to get the love Ai wanted from my father who was inconsistent and not there in every sense of the word.

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

I had a type of melt-down today - not really related to the man, but several other things in my life I have become very avoidant about. Most importantly, I have been unemployed for a few months which gets me down at times. I've applied for jobs but not even interviews. I'm going to an employment consultant tomorrow so hopefully get done guidance. I've list so much confidence since becoming unemployed. Money will become a problem if Ai don't get work soon.

My mother is slowly improving. I haven't seen the man though we send each other brief texts sometimes. There are other men interested in me, but I really don't want a relationship. O e of them, I avoid. The other Is a neighbour, and I remind him I don't want a relationship with anyone. He tells me he is happy to be my friend but holds out hope that one day I will love him as much and in the same way he loves me, that he is patient, and will name do with friendship if that is all I will ever give him. I like him a lot - as a friend, and he has been a great friend and neighbour. I'm just ordinary and an average sort of person so it's a bit baffling to me that he says he feels this way. I do think he is genuine, and he's certainly a very kind person, or so he seems. I feel messed up that I can't feel the same way, and that Ai still have feelings for a guy who didn't treat me well.

Today I said the Serenity prayer over and over while I was forcing myself to do things about the house and attend to my paperwork and bill paying.

fap123 · Senior Member

Yes jobs in the USA are hard to find as well. I fortunately am self employed. Still slow going right now.
As you stated in other post about jumping from one relationship[ into another. And that hasn't work to well before. I think most recommend at least a year of singleness. Us codependent type tend to latch on to people and play a role of victim or rescuer and end up in the same point we are trying to escape from right now. If the neighbor is the right one for you. Trust that God/Higher power will make it work out. You really need do nothing right now.

Best of luck with the job search. Keep knocking on doors, someone will eventually hire you.

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

Thanks very much Fap and I wish you prosperity with your business too.

Green · Newbie

Thanks for sharing your story. Your strength is inspiring.

I came to realize over time that I am my own best lover and best friend. Only I can satisfy my emotional needs because I am the only one who really understands what they are. This shift has freed me up to enjoy my partner for who he is rather than making demands on him he cannot possibly meet. When I feel sad, anxious, unloved, I listen to that pain and then I try to give myself what I need to feel well.

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

Hello Green. I'm sorry I'm so slow to respond. Feeling better about all of this. The man does call me maybe twice a week or so or is at present. My feelings do seem to have changed somewhat. It feels as though part of me will always love him, but I think I'm done with shedding tears, and I can see how one-sided the relationship was.

I still don't have a job, but seem to be getting interviews and got one in 2 days.

I had to be very firm with the friend who wanted a relationship with me. I know that I'm unlikely to bo be ready for another relationship for some time - maybe never. I don't really want one anyway. I'm more focused on trying to get a job.

willing · Guru

Hello Blossoms103,

Good to hear from you, I was wondering how you were doing. Great job on focusing on yourself!

Willing

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

Thanks very much Willing. I hope you are well too. I have been reading a book on mindfulness and meditation which has been so helpful.

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

PS. My mother appears to be doing very well now and has left the hospital.

Maresie · Member

I can relate a great deal. I don't have any guilt about not taking care of people though. I has ptsd and depression. It is a wonder I am alive let alone care about people in a devoted fashion. I know I think I can care about people. Actually I can't care for myself. Let alone care about other people. I know what it is to obsess. I certainly can go there but these says I have had to work too hard to get to where I am. Maresie

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

Hi Maresie and thank you. Mm having a pacemaker put in today. I have plied for a lot of jobs and had a few interviews, but not successful yet.

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

I thought I was doing okay as far as that man was concerned, but today I have been very tearful after a vivid dream about him last night. I never got closure from him because he would reappear or call me to see how I am, and saying that I am the only woman in his life. I have not seen him for more than seven months as he lives around 4 hours drive away. He rang me a couple of days ago saying he wanted to come up and see me in a few weeks to say hello.

Maybe I did the wrong thing, but I texted him today seeking either closure or verification from him that he has feelings for me more than as a friend. I haven't heard anything back from him so I would say that is answer in itself - I texted him around 6 hours ago.

Surprisingly, I have never had more men interested in me in my life, but I can't seem to shake off my feelings for this man. There's no way I could even think about getting involved with anyone else. It seems to be taking such a long time. I'm under quite a lot of stress ATM due to not having a job and that my son has reacted very badly to this, and been extremely disrespectful. I have not felt so low in such a long time.

Itsme111 · Newbie

Blossom, I am exactly in the same place only in WITHDRAWAL and I can't get out of my own way and how I found this board. I have too much time on my hands, over thinking and admitting to myself that this is ME/MY PATTERN he is only the messenger to get my S*** together or this will be as it has been for the next 30 years. I want a healthy emotionally available relationship where the guy is equally invested in me as i in him and has worked through some of his own crap.

What I am realizing, particularly since I erased everything in phone from him including number, have distanced myself so I won't run into him by mistake and am suffering in this, that I see everyone else's wounds so clearly, yes to fix them whether conscious or not, but the big realization is I would not know what these were if they were not in me. In other words, when I look at every relationship whether romantic or platonic or family, I have laser vision as to what is wrong with them, it seriously is like xray, so of course I avail myself to help. What I am now realizing is the only reason I have clarity like this is that all i see is IN ME.

As much as I want this commitment phobe/avoidant/wounded/addicted person, I have to turn that all back and say, how do I know all these things in him so clearly and so deeply? I am terrified that if anyone loved me, I would not believe them and create a situation that would reflect this, my wounds are deep, I have my own addictions (cigarettes, faulty thinking to the point of driving myself insane and why I am here) and the list goes on. Every single person in my life is an addict of some sort, and i do include NEGATIVE thinking on a regular almost always basis a disease as if you can't see light anywhere in the world, you create that mess for yourself. Ask me how i know this?

My heart truly goes out to you, I relate to what you wrote on every single level, and I am on my knees praying for healing as no amount of reading, walking, or any other distraction will stop the incessant feeling of loss, sadness, hopelessness. But I do believe god hears me, I know god hears me as I have had very CLEAR indications, MIRACLES occur ... I just don't know how to keep this consistent.

My secret prayer is duo, I want this wounded man to bang down my door because he had an epiphany that he loves me and wants to be with me and at the same time I want to be in the place to not care if he ever did. It is so sad.

The thing is, my childhood is no secret, it was NOT horrible, sure there was dysfunction, divorce but some of the stories I have read and heard, I feel I got off easy in retrospect. the thing is, how I interpreted this is now what I need to fix. UGH this so sucks and I just feel for you. Know you are not alone! I know this does not help you feel better, it never does for me, but truth you are not the only one going thru this.

I wish I had a magic wand to make it better for everyone, life does not work this way, but I can't believe any longer it has to be THIS MUCH OF A STRUGGLE EITHER. I am sick of having to "work for everything" which even translate into being loved. How sick? Real love does not have to be earned and is the place I want so badly to be in.

Know I am thinking of you and praying that you move through this with growth and insight as I want this for myself too.

fap123 · Senior Member

I found that as I began to look inward at my own feelings, and gave up caring about my SO relationship and their problems, or at least what I felt was their problem, the pain began to vanish. I finally was looking after my own self, the only one that could really care about me is me. I did things to make me feel better look better and improve my out look on life in general. At some point, I was able to toss away the ideas and blame of my childhood past. And just accept that None of that is going to change. I can only start from where I am right now. Wishing and hoping won't help. This takes a commitment to do what makes me happy at the moment and is something good and healthy for me. As time went by, I realized so many red flags in my pass relationships, that I clearly see now.
And I steer clear and move more cautiously in the relationship department. There is no one, that would love to be romantically involved in a committed relationship than me. But great ones are not usually found at the local watering spot.

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

Thank you It's me and Fap for your replies of support. I'm still feeling emotionally jumbled. I sent a txt to the man as I stated in my post thinking that at least I would finally get some closure and be able to move on. He contacts me by phone once or twice a week, but I have not seen him for more than seven months. I went out in the afternoon six hours after AI texted him and heard nothing back. I resigned myself to move on as best I can. That night while I was in bed almost asleep, he sent me a brief text saying that none of my fears were based on reality. That was a couple of days ago, no phone call or text since.

I have a lot in my life I need to be dealing with, and am finding myself in a type of carer role again for a group of people who are disadvantaged. I'm trying to shake myself into sense to focus on the things I should be doing in my life to have a good life and not end up in financial or social ruin myself. It's hard, I keep going off track.

mkelley · Member

blossom103 thank you for sharing. I am new here. I have not been in your exact situation but am in a similar one. I am actually married to a man who has more addictions than I can count. I think I may be the only thing he can do without. He on the other hand is all I think about. I accept all the crap just to save a marriage I am not sure why. He tells me his addictions are not my problem. They don't affect MY life. I don't know if I am dense or if I have no self esteem left. I am just now trying to do step one activity one. I started crying when I tried to put the pen to the paper. I guess I have to be patient with myself. You seem to have come quite a way in a short period of time. I am happy for you. Thank you again for your openness. I am amazed to find ppl sharing so many of the things I am going through I have felt so alone.. I am grateful to have found this site

willing · Guru

mkelley ... you are definitely NOT alone. We understand.

mkelley · Member

Thank you Willing

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

Hugs M Kelley. It's strange, but since I wrote, I am not missing or obsessing over that man - but I am feeling so much sadness about my adult son. I think aim really coming out of denial that since my son was about 7 years old, he started rejecting me. He is now nearly 29 years old. I have lived my son more than anyone in the world, and have done my best to be a good mother. I never was really strict with him or smacked him, and tried to be supportive and there for him. When he said and did hurtful things as a kid, teenager, and young adult, it was easier to just put it down to him being young and dealing with his own stuff, but now he is a man, and with things he has said and with how little effort he makes for contact with him, AI know the time has come for me where I have to accept that my son doesn't want much of a relationship with me - barely one at all.

When he was sixteen years old, he went to live with his father against my wishes. He said and did such horrible stuff then. I've never been able to tell anyone except one persin that my son was physically violent with me and kicked me in the stomach, knocking me to the ground when I called him out on the very disrespectful way he was speaking to and treating me.

Close to a year later he apologised and AI accepted that. I just wanted to move on and have a good relationship with him. A few weeks ago, he said things that hurt me so badly. He's been like this since he was a kid. He's my only child.

Thank God I have my pets. I do have some friends who AI know care about me. I have been on antidepressants a long time. My doctor is weaning me off fluoxetine so he can change that need to something better.

All avenues of communication with my son are not closed yet. He prefers if I just send him a brief text every couple of weeks, and he visits me less than a handful of times a year. I have offered to travel to meet up with him, but he always says he is busy.

As AI said, there always seem to be men interested in me and yet another around now, but I am not going down that path again.

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

Btw, four days since I got the text from that man and not heard a peep from him since. Haven't contacted him and not planning to.

mkelley · Member

blossom103 good for you. I have only one child as well. My husband brought 6 with him to our marriage. My daughter is my everything. I have 2 grandchildren and love them so much. My daughter and I have been through some rough stuff as well. She went through some serious stuff with pills.Thank God she is recovering. I believe she is coda as well. She struggles with alot. It is hard because I believe I had much to do with the way she is. I always held her accountable for her actions but did make excuses for her at times. She is a victim of her biological father and I always felt such guilt that i over compensated on things. Now she is 25 and I see things I worry about. I told her I started the 12 steps and I think possibly she wants to do them with me. I would be delighted if she did. After all she is her Mothers girl for sure. What is your doctor going to try with you when you are off the fluoxetin? How do you become friends on this site? Hope you are having a good night. I hope everyone here is enjoying the weekend. It is pouring and lightening here.. for days!!!!! Ugh... summer in florida YAY

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

Hi MKelley. I don't know how you become friends. I haven't done that or sent or received mail, but be very nice to be friends. I'm happy for you that you and your daughter are developing a close relationship. I don't know if my son has a problem with substances. If he does, he hides it from me. I don't think he has. I think that he just doesn't hold me in high regard. Even as a very young child, when he cried, he would hold his breath and turn blue. My own mother used to freak when she saw him do that. My GP told me not to worry, it was ok and he wouldn't stop breathing, that it was likely due to his temperament. I think my son didn't learn to regulate his anger. Maybe it's my fault - U just don't know how I could have done it better.

My older sister used to lay into her kids and sometimes she was really selfish, dumping them on my mother and taking off to the pub or shops. The thing is that her kids just adore her and respect her, and they are lively boys. True, she has a very good marriage and her husband has been a very good father and husband.

A very old female friend called me today and when she asked about my son I told her what has really been going on. She knew my sons father well too, and she was quite shocked. She's had her share of problems with alcoholic ex husband and bringing up the 4 kids alone even though they were still married through most of it. She has daughters, and even though it's been hard, they spend some time with her and do women stuff. I'm envious and Zi know I shouldn't be as that's selfish.

I just wish he didn't treat me so disrespectfully and that I saw him more than 3 times a year. I told my friend that Im going to be the bigger person here as Sim the parent, but it seems likely to me that in my lifetime, my son us always going to consider me as dirt.

fap123 · Senior Member

"I just wish he didn't treat me so disrespectfully and that I saw him more than 3 times a year. I told my friend that Im going to be the bigger person here as Sim the parent, but it seems likely to me that in my lifetime, my son us always going to consider me as dirt."

Blossom, That's where the Serenity pray can be helpful. Learning to accept the things we cannot change. (we) I have to accept I can't make someone ( even my own child) like/love me. I have to accept that and learn to be OK with that. Perhaps in the future the relationship(s) will heal and get better. But even if they don't I trust in my H/P to help me to be able to take care of myself. Keep myself fit and health. Help others, when they ask for help without getting caught up in over doing the work. Doing fun things just for me. Laughing at myself often. Laugh about my stinking thinking, and all my antics in my past.

I find if I find some type of projects to keep me busy like gardening or fishing or exercising. Then all the other thoughts in my life are not running as the top concern. As I start to learn something else, to make me feel happy. I can forget about the person at least for a hour or so. The more of those hours I can get under my belt. The less concern I have about that old relationship that I invested way to much time in trying to control in some way in my past.
I'm like everyone is here because we tried to control how someone would act or react. And I tried to play god, to get that person to do what I felt was the proper way to live life. It will never work. Us on here are learning this the hard way.

Shout out to, mkelly, Go Buccaneers, Lightning, Gators or Seminoles. It's either raining or HOT as hell. I like the rain myself. lol

mkelley · Member

fap123 I love me some Bucs.. Love those Noles.. the rain well i love it too but it is a swamp where I live right now..As for the heat summer used to be my favorite time of year but my MS keeps me inside quite a bit.. Now I find myself waiting for winter... lol life is funny.. I hope everyone is having a great weekend.. I have not been able to really work on my step this weekend. My husband is home and he said he is glad I am doing something that makes me feel better. He just Knows that it is going to tell me to leave him .... hmmmm idk.. He refuses to talk to me without being angry. See I am not the controlling type so to speak. He is.. but I do need some control over me and I have lost that in the last few years. I want him to stop getting high and take care of himself. I know I am powerless over it and each time we speak about it. He says It does not affect my life. I dont even understand that. Oh well until I pop back in take care.

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

Thank you very much Fap and MKelley. Thank you for reminding me of the serenity prayer. I went to a funeral today for a young woman who I was carer to for around 10 years. She was as a few months older than my son - and just adored me. I had moved away with my work which is as why I hadn't been carer to her for these last 2 years. Even though she had high physical needs with mamy hospitalisation so and special care, it was a breeze compared to the roller coaster of being mother to my son - especially after I left his father - nt because I needed his father's help, but because of the parental undermining and lies he told my son about me.

I've been in a situation recently hearing younger people , maybe 5 years younger than my son, telling how they don't see their mothers because they couldn't "talk" to them when they were younger, but at some point met up with their mostly absent fathers and told them all the "stuff they got up to" and the fathers were "non-judgemental" so they have close relationships with them, and not in contact with the mothers. Don't know if that's what I needed to hear or if there is a lesson in it for me.

I've applied for a job I would really like which pays quite well. Going to focus on the job front. I'm also learning an indigenous language soon, going on a good local tour soon. There are some amazing places to visit not too far from where I live. Lots to do. Xxx

mkelley · Member

Good Morning everyone. blossoms103 I am sorry to hear about your young friend. I am a believer and I know she is at peace. I hope you find peace in that. Good luck on the Job front as well.. enjoy your day...

fap123 · Senior Member

I have been recently been playing with the idea of contacting my ex GF. The reason I tell myself to do this at this time. is to apologize from a healthier point after these years of time have past. At the time of the break-up, there was a lot of anger at lease from my point of view. I've learned thru the grape vine she still single living with a guy room mate.
I tell myself there is no good reason to be friends at this point due to her constant complaining about having nothing, Never enough money, yet she did very little when she was living with me.

It was this break-up that made me look at myself and the codependency issue I have. My concern would be that she would be like the wet dish rag always complaining about something like I can't afford this or that and know that I do have money expecting me to buy it for her.

I try to see what the positive and the negative of contacting her?

Positive reason to contact her.
I will get to tell her I accept some of the responsibility for the break-up, but her actions played a major part as well.
Possibility to be friends with her.
It would be a spiritual healing for me in clearing the air in a more peaceful loving way by forgiving her, and may help her in some way as well.

Negative reason to contacting her,
She may think I'm trying to re-light the relationship.
She might constantly complain about not having the money for, food, medicine, rent, or anything else, and try to guilt me into buying it for her.
She has nothing new to offer in conversation that would be of help to me. She has always played a victim role and so drama seems to be the main theme.

Someone once told me when I was young. That once I got out of a relationship that didn't work out. Returning was like going back to a pile of dog poop. and stepping in it or rolling around in it. Like some dogs I use to have. I remember living across the street from the water. and when red tide came around, the dead fish would wash up on shore during a high tide. The dog we owned would roll in this rotten dead fish and smell awful.
So the same with the dog poop.

Part of my thoughts and feeling on this matter may be due to the fact that I'm not currently in any relationship. I'm sure if I were, this idea/though would be the furthest thing from my mind.

Maybe it's time to get started on my gardening or learn a new language like Blossoms to keep me busy. lol
Peace, Go Gator's lol

willing · Guru

Hello Blossom,

Something that REALLY helped me in moving forward and forgiving someone who was just HORRIBLE to me that I loved is this. Sometimes people are born without the ability to feel empathy. That part of their brain is under developed. Look up James Fallon. He is a neuroscientist who found out he is a borderline psychopath simply because of how is brain is built. I am NOT saying your son is a psychopath, but it sounds like he lacks empathy for you. Does he display the same behavior to others? Perhaps he is just physically incapable of feeling empathy, not by choice. When that idea clicked for me, I also realized that whether the person behaved towards me the way they did because they couldn't help it or did it by choice, it didn't matter. I can't control others' behavior. It didn't make ME BAD. It just is what it is and I need to learn how to have boundaries in the future to not let people hurt me who are unsafe.

And even IF something in his raising (which I HIGHLY doubt) caused this, can you change it? Can you change the past?

Something I used to do was spend so much time worrying. I mean a LOT, to the point I would make myself sick. Worry about the past, worry about the future. Then it clicked ...

Can I change the past? No. I did do the 12 steps which helped me TREMENDOUSLY in working through my past, being honest with, forgiving, and learning to love myself. I don't think I could have just chosen to let go of my past, I think I HAD to do the work.

How often do the things I stress about in the future come true? NEVER. It might be better than I thought it would, more times than not since I used to think everything was going to be BAD. It might be worse than I imagined, but not often. But it was never EXACTLY how I imagined and stressed over. So I stopped. It was wasted energy. It was negative energy. I like to dream about things to come, trips, goals, dreams, but I try to leave the details and the negative OUT.

I'm not saying I am perfect. My past comes up and moments of regret happen. But now I see it immediately when it happens and I don't berate myself, I just let it go. My sponsor used to call them regret bubbles. Just watch it float away. That does happen about 100% of the time. And when I find myself lost in the past or the future I also will say to myself "tick tock" ... those are the seconds that are happening RIGHT NOW that I am wasting. What I am doing RIGHT NOW is all that matters. I might be working towards future dreams and goals, but I am living in the present and living fully.

I hope that helps!

Willing