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Miracles In Progress Codependents Anonymous Group -> Miracles In Progress Codependents Anonymous Group -> Hello. I'm New - Obsessed With Unavailable Man
Post Info TOPIC: Hello. I'm New - Obsessed With Unavailable Man
blossoms103


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Hello. I'm New - Obsessed With Unavailable Man
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Good morning and Thank you everyone. Interesting statement about empathy Willing. I don't believe he experiences empathy in the same way I do. I recall just a couple of years ago, he dropped by where I worked for the first time. I worked in a group home for younger women with disabilities. He freaked at me telling me that he would never visit me at work again - because of the girls disabilities, and that it was one of the worst things he had ever done. The girls never made me feel that way or a lot of other people either.

Dad to say, everything is NEARLT ALWAYS about him. Even when he paid for his gf ticket to go overseas, that would have largely been for his benefit, I'm certain that being an only child had a lot to do with this and when he was younger and that his cousins are a few years younger than him, he didn't have a lot of opportunities to have relationships with extended family - but then when he has been given opportunities to do so, he hasn't wanted to. That's been disappointing too.

There were many times he had made arrangements to visit me weekends when I lived by the beach. I would organise time off work without pay and at last minute he would tell me he wasn't coming because he had been invited to a party.

When I had cancer, he did drive me to hospital a couple of times for day surgery as it is rule at hospital that you have to have someone you know drive you home. I hated having to ask him that although he was pretty good about that. That's about the only thing he has ever done. I don't know if I've ever seen him for Mothers Day. He definitely ain't ever taken me for lunch. On amothers Day. Even when he was a kid, if Mothers Day was on a day which was normally day with his father, he never wanted to spend it with me.

He has a best friend from school. From what I can make out, they are not at all alike. I was not allowed to go to son's birthday parties from when he was a teen, including 18th and 21st birthdays. I was not allowed to attend sporting events he participated in at state level when he was 14 and 15. That hurt a lot. He's excluded me from so much.

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blossoms103


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I do recall when he was around 11 and 12, he had a school friend who liked me very much and who I liked as well. He was very angry about this and it caused a rift between them.

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blossoms103


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I think he is ashamed of me. Not sure what it is, but there must be something about me that brings him shame.

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blossoms103


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I remember someone saying to me once that his father is very comfortably off financially and has a very nice house. I was poor and had to rent, but I always put a lot of effort into trying to make home feel like home and be nice. I remember he was embarrassed about my old car when he was in primary school and didn't want me to park it in front of the school.

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blossoms103


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Willing, I feel pretty scrambled today. I am trying to honestly ask myself if it is just me he is like this with - I think it is mostly just towards me. If he doesn't like people, he just doesn't have anything to do with them. I guess because I've kept in contact with him, and maybe he feels reluctance for whatever reason at this time to not have me completely out of his life that when he does interact with me, it's mostly pretty negative.

I've been saying the serenity prayer a lot, but I am clearly in grief, largely about feeling that I lost my son a long time ago, but also having lost a beautiful soul who clearly lived and accepted me and who I felt the same towards.

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willing


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Feeling scrambled happens.  You have a lot going on emotionally.

When I get that way I decide to set it aside.  I know that sounds hard, but with practice you can do it!  I stay busy with things that take my mind off of it.  I meditate to quiet my mind and soul.  I read or watch a show.  Every time I bump into my distress, until I am ready, I consciously decide to set it aside until I know I am in a better place to process and find a solution.

Just my two cents.

I hope you are feeling better.  How is spring looking down there?  Can't wait to come back, hoping early next year.

 

Willing



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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
blossoms103


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Hi Willing. Spring is just beginning here. I climbed up to the summit of a mountain not too far from where I live the other day. I've done some bushwalking. Trying to focus on getting my house in order. Had my volunteer job yesterday, and starting another soon. I've been doing a lot of reading - if I can get a relevant job, perhaps in gift, I'm keen to undertake another degree. The one I really want to do would complement the degree I already completed over 10 years ago. I'm very interested in it as well, and much of my current reading is related to it.

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blossoms103


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willing


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That is beautiful, even upside down !  Very good shot.  I'm glad to hear you are getting out and enjoying nature.

 

Willing



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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
blossoms103


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Thanks Willing. Having some ups and downs. Most stressful for me right now is not having a job. I am putting as much effort as I can into that but it's hard to deal with so many knock backs. My savings won't last me much longer. I've prayed hard all along as well, and not much else I can do. Employment services say my resumes, qualms and applications good. Disheartened.

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jimrich


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Blossoms, my first thought upon reading your post was:  Bad/low self esteem/worth, which I believe is at the root or heart of the Codependency disorders for most of us.  Being addicted to an unavailable person is all about NOT having enough love and respect for our self. 

It looks like a lot has been written in this thread so, perhaps I need to stop here.

For me, working on Self Esteem, Codependency and finally Spirituality to find my True Identity has made things turn out much better, so good luck....

jim



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ape130


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@willing You mentioned you were attracted or attached to the "unavailability " this rang true to me. Could you expand on why you think that was? I'm currently in a situation that I'm wondering if fits in this same thing. ..

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willing


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Hello ape130,

Very good and timely question as I have really been examining my feelings and behaviors around this.  I think I MAY have figured it out.

 

I don't like needy / clingy men.

 

Not very nice, but I don't sugar coat things.  I am an empath and an introvert.  Pretty heavily, not just a little.  Other people lavishing their emotions on me drains me heavily.  If someone is constantly telling me how they feel about me, touching me, buying me gifts and calling me all day I get cranky really fast.  I spend all my time managing the effects their feelings are having on me and don't have an opportunity to feel my own.

I figured out I don't like emotionally unavailable men, they just come off as rude to me.  I like someone who likes me, is capable of intelligent, healthy conversion and sharing emotions, but they need to be an independent, whole person.  They need to have a life of their own and not have our relationship be their life's breath.  I am dating someone right now who is just head over heels with me and I warned him up front.  "Just relax!  Give me an opportunity to walk towards you."  I included several examples of how past relationships failed.  He didn't listen 4-5 phone calls per day, constant touching, constant "I love you" (at 6 weeks of dating) things blew up ... and well I am now on a road trip going down the Pacific Coast and we'll see how things are when I get home.  When I reach my saturation point I just shut down completely and leave to get some air.  And I am a bit irritated that he didn't listen in the first place.  If I was that important to him then perhaps he would have paid attention when I gave him very clear instructions on how to fail with me.

I love passion and being in a passionate relationship.  I really like the gentleman I am dating.  But man, it gets overwhelming REALLY quickly and I just have to unplug and if I have said something a time or two and they aren't listening ... it's usually pretty abrupt, cold and silent departure.  I just curl up like a rolly polly and roll away.

So that's my story, at least what it appears to be at the moment.  I don't feel I am handling things as gracefully as I could but people who don't listen irritate me.  I'd love for someone to tell me how to succeed / fail in a relationship with them.  I would be all ears!

Willing



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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
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