My mother is a recovering alcoholic of 10 years, and I have dealt with her alcoholism since I was a baby and I am now 22. I grew up with a childhood of going to feeling loved, all of a sudden being carted into foster care and my mum going off the handles. It was riddled with rejection and fear & anxiety, it was all my fault why didn't my mum love me?
Last year my dad all of a sudden passed away - yet again massive rejection. All through my previous relationships I have been very co dependant and controlling, wanting and craving a love that was never good enough from my partners (I did have some partners which were just not right for me)
But last year a couple of weeks after my dad passed away I met my current partner who made me feel so loved and happy. Since then we have travelled the world, moved in BUT our relationship is so unhappy and ruined as I feel so unloved, why aren't you giving me this love I crave? but I know what weve got is like magic, I haven't felt it before and I love him. We are currently on a break as its got to much we are both unhappy and not like it was when we were at the beginning, I feel so unloved and distant, theres not much affection and I don't feel he is into me anymore.
Since being on this break I have actually started to feel like I love myself for me which I have never felt, and I don't want to loose my partner, but I just cannot see whether our relationship is so rocky because I don't love myself and im demanding it from him, or actually he is making me feel unloved.
I have found that no one can ever meet my expectations due to my past codependency behaviors. Un-less I learn to correct my codependent behaviors.
Example, “Letting a person live their own life without pressure from me influencing their decision”.
If their choice goes against my healthy core values, then I make an intelligent decision for ME to move on without any regrets. An example would be. If some I had some interest in developing a romantic relationship with, wanted me to do drugs with them. I would simple say sorry, but that’s not my thing, BYE, without judging them.
Learning to love myself without anyone else involved has been a tremendous and liberating experience. The idea that “I need someone to love me” is laughable.
I just allowed each mini movie of my life to play out without getting wrapped up with the FEELINGS of being a victim all the time. I try to see every event and everything as neutral.
In learning to live my life this way. I can move past unpleasant events more quickly.
With a relationship break-up. I get a chance to review how well did I do in the relationship. Being extremely honest with myself in this answer. What area’s can I improve on in future relationships?
Looking outward for love is never going to work, if you can’t develop this love inside first.
