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Post Info TOPIC: Shy Newcomer


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Shy Newcomer
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Hello,

Nice to meet you all, so to speak. 

I'm definitely aware that I'm codependent and am trying to change my ways. I recently got out of an intense 4 year friendship with a girl who is a hardcore heroin addict. She began dating a dealer, they had a child together and I found myself in the middle of the tornado that was their addictive lives. It was especially hard to extricate myself from the situation because of the child, whom I love dearly, but I was being treated so poorly by my friend, being spoken to cruelly at times, abandoned, disregarded and stolen from and yet I stayed on, loyal to a person who was incapable of giving what I gave her. I had been in an unhealthy verbally abusive friendship prior to this that I managed to escape from and my self esteem and self worth became so low that I could no longer stand up for myself. I became traumatized from intense and dangerous moments as well as deeply depressed, feeling trapped, isolated and totally alone. I didn't reach out to others or tell them what was really going on because I didn't want to worry them. My whole life disappeared in the lives of other very unhealthy and sick people. I had been sucked up into the tornado and was unable to get out of it for years. 

I don't have much family left either that I could turn to, as most of my relatives live in Sweden. My mom passed almost 10 years ago from cancer and since then I did anything I could to prevent losing anyone else close to me. I thought I could save my addict friend, who had a seriously bad habit, because I could not stand the thought of having anyone else I cared about die. It finally became too much, I reached my wit's end and knew I had to leave. I told this girl's parents all that had been happening in hopes that they would take over caring for the child. Once I felt that she was in safe hands with her grandparents, I began trying to plan my escape. I met a man in recovery from going to an open AA meeting as support for this addict friend, who pointed out that my addiction was codependency. He worked the 12 Steps with me, replacing the world "alcoholic" with "codependent". It did wonders and I was able to begin the ending of the unhealthy relationship, even though my friend did not want it to end, constantly trying to get ahold of me after I asked repeatedly and respectfully for time and space, calling me on her parent's phones, threatening me and then turning around and saying she loved me. It was insanity and it was painful. 

I began dating the man who helped pull me out of this mess. He is 11 years clean and his life evolves around recovery. A lot of issues have come up with him as well, since this is my first real romantic relationship. He is older than me and similar in many ways to my absent father as far as appearance and certain personality traits, whom my mother divorced when I was 2 because he was an alcoholic. My father was completely absent during my life and so my mom became my role model, a strong, intelligent, independent woman, originally from another country who came here by herself at 20 years old and began a life for herself, who also had many codependent tendencies that I picked up and inherited. 

The man I'm with is obviously different than my father since he found recovery to save him from his drinking whereas my father died when I was 17 of stomach cancer, due to not being able to stop drinking. Abandonment and loss issues have risen and I'm well aware I need to watch my codependent tendencies, since some of my closest friends are going through difficult times and I have to stop myself from once again putting my own life on hold to help deal with their problems, letting myself and life fade into the background. It's a hard habit to break. That fine line between love and codependency can be so easily and innocently crossed that it can be hard to notice it's even happening until it's too late. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my long winded intro. It certainly felt good to type out in a venue where others understand. Thank you and bless you and have a wonderful day.

Freyja



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Veteran Member

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Hi Freyja! Welcome! I'm just new here myself and can identify with a lot of what you write. I. Sorry you have been through all of this. I'm certain we are in the right place. I've just started on steps 1 and 2 and still extricating myself from a codependent relationship. I finally have hope though and very limited contact with that person now - a man who I have loved very much for 5 years. I've pretty much accepted there is no future in that relationship, and that I've become very unhappy and unhealthy.

It's great that you were able to get help from this man with the 12 steps.

My father was an alcoholic as well, and he passed around 17 years ago. You and your mother sound like strong women, and you will get through this.

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Newbie

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Thank you for your kind words, Blossom. I'm glad to hear you're working on getting yourself out of an unhealthy relationship. It can be so hard to face or admit that the relationships we're in with those we love may not be serving us, only the other person, and that things are unhealthy and imbalanced. It can be so painful and takes time to heal from the whole experience and all the time and energy that has been invested in the relationship. The more time we have away from the people in the codependent relationships, the more we realize how much better off we are. You must be a strong person to be able to pull yourself away and not continue to stay in an unhealthy situation that isn't bringing you happiness. More power to you. 



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Guru

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Hello Freyja,

So glad you found us and welcome!

I am impressed by your self awareness and especially like this:

"That fine line between love and codependency can be so easily and innocently crossed that it can be hard to notice it's even happening until it's too late. "

It is so very true.

We hope you keep coming back and sharing your recovery and experience with us.

Willing



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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi



Newbie

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Thank you kindly, Willing.

It is a nice change to have people understand codependent tendencies and be able to empathize. I find it far too easy to start taking on other people's heavy burdens and disappearing under the weight of them. I'm really trying to be conscious of my day to day interactions with my loved ones so that line doesn't get accidentally crossed. I find it at times much easier to worry about the lives of those I love more than my own. It's something I've really been working on since getting too involved and carrying the weight of other's problems and in a sense enabling them isn't fair to either of us and ends up impeding both our journeys. When I remember to look at it that way, I can work on keeping myself at a comfortable distance for everyone involved.



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