Hello. I am in a relationship and have been for over 7 years. I know i am codependent and have some other problems after having been brought up in a dysfunctional environment.
She has cheated on me about 6 years ago years ago but i ended up staying with her after having left her for a short while. This year I'm almost certain she cheated on me with a girl and has been hiding conversations with other people from me, which i found. She has had a difficult time because a very close member of her family died before this happened and even though i know i should have left her then, because of this death and because of my codependency i stayed with her.
We are now having issues because she doesn't seem to want to be with me , sometimes pretty much saying this but at other times saying she does, she seems to have a lot of confusion in her mind. I think she is avoiding feelings from the close family member dying and covering them over with a constant search for madness and excitement to avoid stopping and thinking and feeling.
I know I have been controlling at times in the relationship, when she was doing things she shouldn't have been, which i should have left her for but instead i stayed and tried to stop those things happening. I've been quite relaxed for a while now though.
When she seemed to be leaving me recently, i felt the pain and cried and it was horrible so i did what i could to try and sort things out as we hadn't talked or discussed anything recently.
I'm now in a position where, it's either going to end at some point and I'm going to have to face the incredible raw pain that comes out, which i know I'd have to face to get the spiritual freedom and recover.
If this doesn't happen and we end up staying together is it still possible to work some good recovery for the time being and to uncover the feelings beneath and release them while still in the relationship. I'm guessing it might not be possible, or it would be very difficult because I think the codependent part of the relationships whole purpose is to stop me feeling the deep pain inside and getting the love / security i don't currently feel i have for myself . It's mad how one word from her can change me from being distraught and empty, to being calm.
Is it possible to work on my own codependent problems and through doing this see the patterns while they are still going on and then be able to try and work to stop them and then if necessary have the strength to decide whether i want to leave the relationship or stay, without feeling completely out of control about it?.
Yes, it is possible to recover while in relationship. If we did not have relationships there would be no point in CoDA Recovery. Our goal in CoDA is to have healthy and loving relationships. However it is not possible to recover while, focusing on the behavior of another person . . . quite the opposite that is exactly what makes our lives unmanagible in the first place. The focus must be on our own thoughts, feelings and behaviors not on those of the other person. If they are going to leave, how do I feel and what will I do to take care of myself. If they stay how will do I feel, do I even want them here if I can't trust them (as opposed to control them) not to hurt me intentionally or am I just so afraid of being alone that I will let them hurt me (in which case I will be hurt no matter what).
With that said, it is also possible to work on some of our issues when we are alone, because much of what we experience is about how we see the past. One example might be expending huge amounts of energy trying to do anything not to be abandoned (a survival mechanism for children), so much so that the pain caused by trying not to be abandoned becomes even greater than any actual harm from being alone (as a fully functional adult capable of taking care of themselves).
She has cheated on me about 6 years ago years ago but i ended up staying with her after having left her for a short while. This year I'm almost certain she cheated on me with a girl and has been hiding conversations with other people from me, which i found.
When my late wife and I began our relationship, we PROMISED to be 100% honest and respectful with each other. We made that commitment work beautifully for 26 years until she crossed over back in May due to some irreversible ailments and conditions. We studied many relationship books and vowed not to repeat the terrible mistakes that caused our 1st marriages to fail. Learning good relationship skills (google it) was the ultimate focus and we made them work for us the whole time.
We are now having issues because she doesn't seem to want to be with me , sometimes pretty much saying this but at other times saying she does, she seems to have a lot of confusion in her mind. I think she is avoiding feelings from the close family member dying and covering them over with a constant search for madness and excitement to avoid stopping and thinking and feeling.
IMO, none of that is an excuse for not making the relationship as good as possible. We took our vows and relationship commitments very seriously and were told that these skills had be practiced ALL OF THE TIME - not just when we felt like it or it got us some kind of reward.
When she seemed to be leaving me recently, i felt the pain and cried and it was horrible so i did what i could to try and sort things out as we hadn't talked or discussed anything recently.
For us, clearly talking about and RESOLVING things was the most beneficial part of good relationship skills
If this doesn't happen and we end up staying together is it still possible to work some good recovery for the time being and to uncover the feelings beneath and release them while still in the relationship.
No! Unless both of you learn and employ a few good relationship skills like: 100% honesty, respect and LOYALTY, nothing will help you get through the tough times!
Is it possible to work on my own codependent problems and through doing this see the patterns while they are still going on and then be able to try and work to stop them and then if necessary have the strength to decide whether i want to leave the relationship or stay, without feeling completely out of control about it?.
