hi everyone-

This weekend was interesting and eye-opening to my recovery. I so have a long way to go!

I get a  call at the hospital from my A  that she needs me to come up immediately to the hospital. She's scared and she just needs to see me. This was on Friday and her friend that she's been staying with for the last few weeks was out of town. Convenient.   So I went up there soon as I could but I was in the middle of something so I finished that. That was a small victory for me; normally I would drop everything and just go up. So she breaks down to me crying, apologizing for everything that she's done to me and all that she's put me through.  Of course with all the thoughts that I had been having lately and going through my recovery I get a little guilty about some of the thoughts that went through my head, but I quickly brushed those aside because she was being very loving and sweet, acting like she did a long time ago. Then I noticed myself starting to help her with things that she could do her self, even though I know that she was sick,  but she was acting very helpless in a lot of ways. It wasn't till after I left the hospital, at home, that I notice what I did. Of course I beat myself up about it.

Then on Saturday I just got done with my meeting  and I get the 911 call from her again saying that she needed me to come up to the hospital. Of course I went up and she had hurt herself in the hospital and wasn't able to go home on Sunday like she was predicting because she hurt her back.  So now I'm helping her with everything at this point. But in my mind I was saying, she can't move and can't do a lot of stuff. But I noticed just how demanding every little thing she was asking of me. Previously I would just do it without even thinking. Now I have a greater awareness of what is going on. 

 So they released her on Monday. But on Sunday she kept saying that she was going to go back to her friends house and she wanted me to stay with her because she didn't want to be apart from me.  So I told hER that I would do that. But of course I went home and got thinking about it, thinking why doesn't she come home? It's drove me nuts all night- I didn't really sleep. Her friend lives 30 minutes away from where we live, and I would have to go to work the next day if I spent the night there. That's a 45 minute drive from his house to my work. Plus I just found it just a little awkward that we're both spend the night together at his house and she lives with me technically even though we've been separated for a few weeks.  So all night I was thinking, trying to come up with a counter argument about why I didn't think it was a good idea that we both go back to her friends house instead of  just coming back home. Of course the dog is staying at his house too,  which was the big reason why she wanted to go back there. So all my stewing, coming up with what to say on Monday when I saw her kind of fizzled. So as you can guess I ended up spending the night there. But I was very resentful. And thinking about it today, I realize that I'm not so much mad at her is I am mad at myself for not standing up for myself better. Specially with all the tools that I have learned in the last few weeks. Granted it's only been a few weeks. I know I need to be gentle on myself, but at the same time I find being with her so toxic for me. I can't stand up for myself.  I have no assertiveness when it comes to her-I just get very weak. I also realize to since we'be been together for so long that these patterns that we have there's expectations from her for me and then the patterns that I have always followed and so for me to break that mold now just seems so incredibly impossible. I'm aware of what needs to happen.  However I'm having a very difficult time making it happen. Another thing , too, was yesterday I took her grocery shopping and I agreed to buy her some stuff because she had no money at that point and she promised she paid me back. Of course I believed her-we will see. I recognize now that I should have had a very strict budget saying I can only spend $10 or $15  to get you by in the next few days before you get paid. But I didn't do that,  so of course were going down the aisles " oh I need  soda, Popsicles, crackers". In my mind I was thinking you need protein, fruits and vegetables- stuff that she probably wouldn't have at her friends house. And now I'm kicking myself because now I don't have enough money to last me the rest of the week for gas ( especially since I was driving 45 minutes to work today and possibly have to go back because I realize that I have some stuff that she needs). 

 I guess in all of this I realize that I've made some mistakes and I'm trying to make it a learning experience. But I do so much better in my own mind than actually standing up and speaking my mind. I need to be more specific with my boundaries and say no. Why is it so hard?!?!