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Post Info TOPIC: It's about a year since I last posted and I am back at the same point


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It's about a year since I last posted and I am back at the same point
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I posted a year ago, my friend and I had an argument and I was not coping.

Well we got back together but there is always this drama with him, if I dont do the right thing then he doesn't talk to me.

We recently had a real big argument where he was just about to punch me because I was standing up to him.  He apologised the next day and said how wrong it was that he did not control his temper and wished me the best for the future.

Same question again, how do I live without this person?.  We spend every moment of the day together and it is now day 4 and I feel there is no point in living.

He probably is not even thinking of me, although I have a lot of friends, he only has 1 which is a mutual friend of mine but I am even afraid to contact her incase he is with her and I don't want to know about it.

It seems I can't win, I really need to break from him, but the loneliness is killing me

 

what do i do ?



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I have found getting involved in other activity limits the time that I would be obsessing over my ex GF. At some point as I was able to focus how I was treated in my unhealthy relationship more clearly. Moving on was the only reasonable option. Walking away from the Drama freed me to accomplish things I wanted to do. It takes time. It all comes back to step 1. When I understand I can't make someone love me or like me. They either do or they don't. I will be able to learn to only invest my time into the true caring people that respect me and respect me. Any thing short of this is just a train wreck relationship. I rather be alone, then walking on egg shells as I use to do.
Peace

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One day at a time, my friend. 

I have committed myself to not be in an unhealthy relationship.  Does it hurt when I walk away from one?  You bet.  But I (and everyone else) deserve to be loved and treated with kindness.  I deserve to be heard, respected and treated with dignity.  I deserve to be accepted for exactly who I am.  I want someone who works on themselves and is willing to work on a relationship and WANTS to be with me, not just have me as an arm trophy and a bed warmer.  Even more important is having someone who accepts those same things from me.  I want someone who lives with purpose.  You can want a passionate, loving, physical and emotional relationship but want doesn't get you far.  You have to make the CHOICE to have that and WORK to make it happen.  Everyone expects it to just work ... like magic.

When I got into recovery I learned how to be happy by myself.  Luckily I grabbed onto the concept early and figured that unless I have that, I will never be truly happy in a relationship because I will be depending on someone else to make me happy.  That is a pretty big responsibility for someone else and not really fair to them, to be honest.  So I stayed single and busted my fanny to make my life what I wanted it to be, inside first ... then outside.  Now when I date if all the requirements aren't met, I walk away.  Sometimes quickly, sometimes I give it some time and clearly state my needs, but I am not going to DETRACT from my happiness for someone else ... they should make my life even better.  I am not going to change for someone and I am not going to hold my truth or walk on eggshells.  And they should come to the relationship whole, content, and at peace with themselves.  That makes it slim pickin's let me tell ya.  But now that I am truly content, love who I am and live my dreams everyday, why would I settle?

I got to the point of being content and happy with my life and who I am by working the steps.  Then I started sponsoring others and I keep myself immersed in my self development, practicing mindfulness and trying to improve daily.  I try to approach life with love and kindness and find that all my past hurts, as bad as they were ... and I was REALLY miserable .... were just stepping stones to living this beautiful life.  They were part of my training.  Going forward, my mistakes, heartache and sorrows will continue to be part of my training.  This is life, it is not devoid of suffering.  How I choose to walk through it makes a huge different in my quality of life.

I remember clearly how you are feeling right now.  I does get better but it is by choice and it takes work.  I am REALLY sorry you are hurting so badly, I wish I could wave a wand and take your pain away.  Unfortunately, you are the only one who can fix this with any permanence.  What I mean by that is, in the past I would jump into another relationship to "fix the hurt" and it worked ... and worked well.  But I would end up back in the same place again.  Hurting horribly, feeling worthless and wondering what the heck I am doing wrong.  So instead I decided to fix the problem at the core of the issue ... me.

Willing



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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi



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find new friends , no point in humping the same old sheep over and over again,



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huggybear wrote:

Well we got back together but there is always this drama with him, if I dont do the right thing then he doesn't talk to me. We recently had a real big argument where he was just about to punch me because I was standing up to him.

That's about bad or ineffective relationship skills so google: relationship skills to learn how to deal with him and also show him how to deal with you. 

Same question again, how do I live without this person?.  We spend every moment of the day together and it is now day 4 and I feel there is no point in living.

This is a matter of improving or boosting your sense of self worth and value (self esteem).  Right now you are depending on him or someone to make you feel OK or safe, etc. but that is something you need to do for your self.

what do i do ?
I'd use all the tools Coda has to offer and also google: self esteem to put a stop to those "lonely", sad and unhappy feelings.  You just need to see/feel that you truly are ENOUGH as one Coda affirmation states.
Here is one other possibility to feel good about your self:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgjIM4rK_-w
good luck

 



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