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Post Info TOPIC: Powerless over my dad


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Powerless over my dad
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My spouse has been fighting end stage liver disease and was given the prognosis this week that she only has less than a year to live on this current liver. She's being put on the waiting list, but I know the waiting is excruciating and I don't want to think of if it doesn't get found in time. It's been a long, emotional week and I've been telling my closest support (friends and family I trust) first, but it's been a painful process for me.

So, my sister put a cryptic plea for prayers on Facebook, and my parents are on there. In the comments we were highlighted. I think my dad saw it and put two and two together. He's been calling the last couple of days and says in his usual gruff and unemotional voice to call me when I get the message. Now, my dad and I have a very strained relationship at best. I'm not ready to give him this news. I know my mom is not ready to receive it, and her birthday is next week. I'd like to let it ride until after all of this. But I want to tell my mom first, not my dad. He's very judgmental and he's against drinking. Usually he will make cutting, sarcastic comments about drinking. Right now, I don't want his judgment and I can't handle disclosing something this painful to him right now. Growing up, he was the LAST person I shared personal or emotional stuff with. He was merciless, practically bullying me until I would break down and cry, then would yell at me and punish me. He's primarily why I'm in this program because of all the survival tactics I still use, even though it was him bullying me. I may lose my spouse to this disease soon, and I don't need him making it worse. I decided not to call him back, but he will keep calling. I'm at a loss how to handle it, and I have a bad feeling it's going to go badly or he will make it about him (Why didn't you tell us?). It will send off from me a barrage of negative things coming his way about how he only picks on me until I cry and right now my emotions are too raw to have me reign them in. My meeting is this weekend for CODA and I know he will call again tomorrow. Any advice on how to deal with this situation? Thanks!

 

oh, one more thing: my spouse now feels super guilty about all of this, and I told her she shouldn't be, but she is. Her emotional filter is broken this week and so is mine. I'm trying not to take on this guilt and I know I'm only in control of me when it comes to her taking on the guilt. But it's hard, and I'm in protective mode right now with her being so sick. Again, my dad seems to have all the power in both of our situations with our emotions, and I want our own powers back. Thanks for reading.



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I would perhaps put a message on my phone for my dad, that I am not ready to share some issues going on with me right now. But will call when the time is right. Thank you for giving me the space I need at this time. Or if you knew a time that I could call him, and he would not be available to answer. I would leave him a voice message asking for time to deal with this issue on my terms.

If Dad continues to call, let the call go to voice mail and do not respond or listen to the message until you are emotionally ready to.

Perhaps a personal entry on Facebook asking for prayer but to please respect my privacy at this emotional time would be greatly appreciated.

My power is to control what I do. The choices I see here are..
1) Avoided
2) Confront
3) Limit

I think I would try to limit the information in this situation. The people will either respect that or not. If not then you move to avoid in my opinion.

Sending healing energy and loving prayers to you in this difficult time Gabigail Peace.


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I love Fap123's idea.  Although I think I would try email to Dad instead of a vm message on my phone as that could be heard by others.  But yes, express yourself and your need for privacy.  You are an adult and can request that from ANYONE, even your father.

This can be the beginning of a GREAT practice of setting boundaries.  I love Fap123's advice because it gives you the opportunity to set those boundaries without confrontation. 

I know I had a VERY difficult time setting boundaries with family members who had been overrunning me my whole life.  When I finally did it, I started with "This is very difficult for me, but here is what I need and how things are going to working going forward."  My voice shook and it was obvious that I was terrified.  But ... I did it and followed through with it.  If they crossed my boundaries they were avoided and told that they had crossed my boundaries.  Believe it or not, it eventually worked.  There were no major blow-ups, they just eventually learned that they have to deal with me on MY TERMS, it is my life.  I don't care anymore how they feel about it.  I am the boss of me.

It is very hard, but VERY empowering.

Willing



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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi



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I feel very sad and sorry about your wife's conditions.  My late wife just crossed over in May 2016 but she's still (spiritually) here and comes to be with me a lot from the other side.

The way I dealt with an abusive, offensive and hurtful parent was to first get a backbone by doing some quick and easy self esteem/respect work (google it) and then by deciding how and where to set my boundaries to KEEP THE OFFENDERS OUT of my life.   Once I had enough self worth and self respect (which came quickly) I was able to handle offensive parents and others much better.  Unless you absolutely NEED your dad for some significant reason, I'd completely stop all contact with him RIGHT NOW!  I will no longer allow any offender to enter my space unless I have no choice in which case I still have healthy self respect to keep the offender at arms length where they cannot hurt me as much. 

Again, my dad seems to have all the power in both of our situations with our emotions, and I want our own powers back.

You can get your power back the moment you DECIDE that you won't take it any more and that you are more powerful than your offensive dad in your own life now.  As soon as you decide to STAND UP TO a bully, they will turn and run away!

good luck



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