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Post Info TOPIC: Table manners


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Table manners
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I just came home from a jazz festival gig down in San Diego where some of us, in the band, had dinner together and I had an unwitting return of some of the crippling scripts and programs that my FOO installed in me so long ago.

We all sat down to a large round table and, as I started working on my food, while looking down and NOT making eye contact or making any more NOISE that absolutely necessary, I could feel the Shame and fear of ridicule or teasing by others since I now eat with both hands like Europeans do.  I was very tense and worried that the sarcastic "comments" and veiled criticism was going to start up just like it always did in my FOO but nobody said a mean or testy thing during the whole dinner!!!  I began to relax and have fun with all of them as soon as I realized I was reenacting the sickening dramas from my youth and that everything was going to be OK at this dinner with more sane folks.

I just blows my mind how deep and insidious the FOO programing is in me and how it pops up over and over but, fortunately there is Recovery tools and HP to deal with those sickening old internalized programs from my parents and others.

I could write a few dozen pages about all the rotten and frightening things that went on around the dinner table in my FOO but it's enough to just say that ugly stuff happened ALL OF THE TIME but it's no longer happening and I no longer have to sit down eat with any of them ever again!



-- Edited by jimrich on Sunday 27th of November 2016 11:53:25 PM

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Can I ever relate.  Dinnertime was HORRIBLE when I was growing up.  It took me until I was quite a bit into recovery to even notice it was such a big deal for me.  When I was single raising my daughter we never ate at the dinner table, always in front of the TV.  When I was married and we sat at the dinner table I would be horribly grumpy and had no idea why.  It was shocking when I tied the string back to my childhood.  I had to make an effort over time to eat at the dinner table as a family and enjoy it, but it was not easy.

 

Willing



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willing wrote:

Can I ever relate.  Dinnertime was HORRIBLE when I was growing up.  It took me until I was quite a bit into recovery to even notice it was such a big deal for me.  When I was single raising my daughter we never ate at the dinner table, always in front of the TV.

LOL, that's how it was with my 1st wife who was a T.V. nut so we rarely TALKED about anything at all!  But then, I was so filled with Shame and Self contempt that I preferred little or no talking.  We had no kids so there wasn't much to connect us other than a few pets and our mutual entertainment/music work.

When I was married and we sat at the dinner table I would be horribly grumpy and had no idea why.

 I honestly feel for you and can now imagine the terrible discomforts inside of our Shame-based parents while sitting at diner with their 3 very unsatisfactory kids in UTTER, SHAMEFUL SILENCE!

It was shocking when I tied the string back to my childhood.  I had to make an effort over time to eat at the dinner table as a family and enjoy it, but it was not easy.

I am so very happy that my 2nd wife and I did not get into the TV tray patterns and always ate at a table where we thoroughly enjoyed and accepted each other, including all of our "peculiar" eating patterns and styles.  We NEVER teased or played mind games about what we did, liked, wanted, hated, feared, loved, etc. as was so horribly common in my FOO - especially at the dinner table!

Willing, I am very PROUD of you for finding love, happiness and PEACE.


 



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