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Bad relationships
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I guess everyone has their idea what they are. 

For me, I can think I have things together. 

I stepped in it again because I got into a bad relationship (friend) (actually not even that). It went south.  Someone from church. 

She switched on me and started treating me like a resource to her. And becoming absurdly demanding and mean spirited when I said no. It was like she was constantly raising the bar and testing the fence. I was wishy washy at times struggling with my own difficult times.  Other times I was firm but she wasn't listening. I started thinking she was a low level parasitic psychopath, sociopath. There were constant attempts to find out things about me and get use of my home, resources. Neighbors got involved who didn't like what they saw her doing.  Finally booted her a-- to the curb.

Two or three years ago I would not have allowed someone like this in my life. She was intelligent and charismatic and seemed strong on a self sufficient path and I enjoyed that about her but I did not like the constant crises and drama in her life. 

Found out she had little about her life together, had bombed out with multiple marriages trying to find someone to take care of her. On the government dole. She tried to guilt me about what I had and how I had a long marriage. 

Last I heard she had married again to an active alcoholic (what he called himself). He was starting to drink again, had cheated and stole money from her before they married. And she married him. She actually called me after a year and a half of not seeing her and left a message asking me to meet her and her husband for dinner in two hours.

I did not respond. Talked to my doctor and pastor about it, they all said I did the right thing. I found out she had done the same and worse to others. 

I tried to talk about this relationship at CoDA meetings and some commented that I needed to accept her and keep my own yard clean, I was wrong 'to judge.' Really? Someone's trying to screw me over and I'm not supposed to notice or do anything about it? Others agreed I had gotten out of a toxic relationship when I related more details. 

The problem was after I shared about some of what I experienced in this relationship, the next week someone new I had never seen before showed up at that meeting and during their share tried to bully me into hiring them for certain services at the table. She had many of the same expressions of this other woman. I was flabbergasted and felt really violated.

In another share here, someone wrote that people who had gone through these programs can use what they learn to take advantage. I believe it. She had what I recognized was some CoDA jargon later on. 



-- Edited by barelythere on Tuesday 28th of March 2017 09:14:56 PM

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One of the things that I've learned from CODA, and other work I have done from myself, is to trust my own gut, and not others opinions. No one knows all the facts, details and your own self like you do. I've been particularly working with that right now. Just last night I realized that I needed to challenge a belief I had held onto for years, because a therapist had told me so. This belief had been a constant source of pain to me, and I thought it was just because I kept failing in this area. I realized I had been going against my gut for years, trying to "please" this past therapist, who clearly knew what was good for me better than I did.

We know when a relationship is toxic, regardless of whether other validate it. Good for you for not allowing her back in your life. It's not about judging. It's about creating boundaries or sometimes walls against people who are harmful to you.

I can relate to what you say about people using CODA jargon to abuse others. My ex-husband was the best at that. I recall one day, when I woke up violently Ill. I asked him to go to the store to get me Gatorade and saltines. Of course he couldn't get out of bed until 1:30, when he had be be at work at 2PM. So I asked him to please bring it home for me when he returned home at 6. At 6 he showed up empty handed. He hadn't eaten anything all day he said, and "he needed to take care of his own needs before he could take care of me." So he needed to have some dinner before he could get me anything.

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Even though my bad relationship sucked. I walked right into it all by myself. No one but me to blame for me not having some boundaries as to what is right for me.
Without the relationship blow up. I would still be still be stuck in the poor behavior patterns, I grew up with. So having learned some things thru Coda. I've have come to appreciate the experience of this bad relationship, and what I do not want to repeat it a second time. lol I guess I thought that women were kind of like shoes. If you liked the look. You could make them fit. lol Now I know that don't work. lol

I stopped going to meetings due to some of the advantage taking people I ran into.

lemonade, Sounds as if the ex was a real peach of a guy.

I'm taking my time before I slip my toe into the new relationship ring. Don't get me wrong. I would LOVE to have a great relationship. I just don't see many examples around my town. It's funny how I can pick out co-dependent issues in other people relationship. But if I were getting involved I would be blind to what should be obvious red flags. I guess they call that lust.
Peace.

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One of my favorite quotes:
“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.”
John Powell


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Amen Lemonade.
Listen, I am grateful actually it happened. Boy did it shine a light on the left overs in me!
I also liked her in many ways and there were some good times. I really wish her well and hope she learns not to treat people thataway. If she had not started turning the screws, we could have negotiated things.
Good to see both you two. Lemonade, hope you are feeling a bit better. Hold on, girl, you're a doll.
Kath



-- Edited by barelythere on Wednesday 29th of March 2017 08:36:33 PM

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I'll be spending some time this weekend, with a female acquaintance who is let's just say "very assertive." She has strong opinions about many things, and she likes to "fix" other people as a hobby. She likes hanging out with me, because I'm unassertive. I chose to spend time with her because she is available to hang out, and I don't want to be obsessing over my last "boyfriend." That being said, I will need to keep my guard up not to let her bowl me over. She has determined that she is not the "marrying sort." but that doesn't stop her from giving me lots of advise on who I should date etc.

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Thanks for asking Kath, I still feel like Cr*p, but it's time to dust myself off, and get back in the fight.

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lemonade wrote:

I'll be spending some time this weekend, with a female acquaintance who is let's just say "very assertive." She has strong opinions about many things, and she likes to "fix" other people as a hobby. She likes hanging out with me, because I'm unassertive. I chose to spend time with her because she is available to hang out, and I don't want to be obsessing over my last "boyfriend." That being said, I will need to keep my guard up not to let her bowl me over. She has determined that she is not the "marrying sort." but that doesn't stop her from giving me lots of advise on who I should date etc.


 I think you hold your own. You speak your mind, and you've a good one. 

 



-- Edited by barelythere on Wednesday 29th of March 2017 08:38:41 PM

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