I don't like the term "dead" so I will refer to my late wife as crossed over or dis-incarnate since she is still very alive and well in the Afterlife but I cannot prove that. Shortly after Irene crossed over, I realized just how codependent I had been with her. We were "happy" codependents and never struggled with each other but, after she left, I found that I had no life of my own! I had been a non-stop caretaker, which was fine, and 99.99% of my life revolved around Irene and her medical needs. Right after she crossed over, I went back into CODA meetings to confront my Codependency but, it had been many years since going to meetings and I did not feel I belonged there any more. I even went back to ACA meetings but had the same feeling of nothing to say there. I know how to face and fix my Codependent issues so this is not my way to come back for advice or comfort. I just need a place to talk about my codependency and what I am doing about it.
My late wife, Irene, and I had a wonderful, respectful and loving marriage from day one BUT.....I quickly fell back into the "no talk" rule early on after noticing that she was hypersensitive about discussing "glitches" - which were few and far between. We were both veterans of sharing meetings so I assumed she could handle discussing problems but she could not and, since we had so few problems, I decided to let things slide and not "bother" he with my little issues. I loved and respected her so very much that I didn't want to make her unhappy nor be unsafe with her. Safety has long been a priority for me so we just let things slide under the carpet from the very beginning even though we had made a promise to be 100% HONEST with each other! Our marriage of 26 years was mostly happy, sexy, friendly and satisfying but a few unsatisfactory things began to happen towards the end and by then it was too late to open up and confront these "glitches" which were becoming more and more dominant for us. Irene was never a "talker" and I had learned to be very out spoken at sharing meetings so I had to hold my self back a lot OVER these "glitches", which began to overwhelm us near the end of Irene's life!
I knew at the very beginning that it is a big mistake to let things slide and fail to deal with "glitches" (which destroyed my 1st marriage!) but I just "Chickened out" to keep the peace and be safe with my new and wonderful partner, Irene. In Recovery, I had learned how and why to open up and work on "glitches" but took the easy way out since there was so much love and respect between us. As I said, these "glitches" began to emerge towards the end of Irene's life when she no longer had the power of will to hold her unresolved, painful feelings down and she began to hit me with some pretty harsh stuff but, by then, it was too late for her to begin doing her "original pain" or grief work so she was now becoming overwhelmed with old, bottled up trauma. Since I had done a lot of original pain and grief work, I knew what was happening to her but had no idea what to do for her other than to get ready to protect my self. I knew enough about Irene's past to know that her repressed pain belonged to her parents (and not me) just as my pain belonged to my parents. What I did not know, right then, was just how horrible Irene's past was but found out about, form her two girls, after Irene crossed over!
It is a miracle that we had 26 wonderful years WITHOUT our pasts destroying us! For a long time, I thought that Irene was emotionally resolved because she seemed to have all the answers, was a psychic reader and did not talk very much while I had tons of "issues". I never would have guessed just how messed up Irene's past was nor why she never shared any of that with me. I had spilled my guts about my past to the max with her while she kept a lot of very dark and disturbing secrets from me and I have no idea why other than TOXIC SHAME.
So now, I am tempted to learn to be a psychic and stay in touch with Irene over on the other side BUT there is a part of me that fears being stuck in Codependency with her over there and being constantly in need of advice, companionship, moral support and motivations. I believe that, if I could connect with her like the Readers can, I'd have her here all day long and every day to give me constant advice and directions. She comes here quite often as it is so I never feel "lonely" or abandoned. But, thanks to Recovery, I know I have to set my sails and begin living my own life on my own terms (or higher power terms) and stop being a helpless Codependent. I was pretty independent just before Irene and I hooked up so there are plenty of options for me if I can just snap out of it and get going and I'm not looking for another Mommy or Daddy figure to replace Irene and take care of me! I'm 79 now so my "mommy" days are just about over!
Thanks for letting me share. I welcome any responses or shares,
I think losing a long term spouse is one of the most difficult things people go through.
I wouldn't worry about any pettiness at the end. People are in pain and irritable, not themselves Just remember all the good.
-- Edited by barelythere on Wednesday 5th of April 2017 01:56:43 AM
Re: "I think losing a long term spouse is one of the most difficult things people go through".
I think that losing a long term CODEPENDENT spouse is one of the most difficult things that CODEPENDENTS go through.
IMcurrentO, it's only difficult if the partners failed to work out or resolve any lingering or hidden issues between them so there can be both a painful sense of loss of love and an embarrassing lost opportunity to get to the Truth or Reality that one or both of them failed to address or expose during the relationship. Since I find it pointless to speak of what others do or don't do, I might as well speak of my own reality and relationship(s).
Losing my late wife hurts because I loved, NEEDED and (co)depended on her PLUS, I now realize just how much hidden and unresolved emotional stuff we both FAILED to address whilst we had the chance. This does not mean that I am beating my self up every day for being such a Codependent failure and not working the program correctly. It just means that I am willing to use Program HONESTY to examine our relationship in the hopes of doing better in the future.
Shortly after Irene crossed over, the willingness to be brutally honest about my thoughts and feelings returned and I began bravely handling situations and people with way more courage and total honesty than I had during our (codependent) marriage. My frank honesty offends a lot of USER'S and LIAR'S but I am no longer willing to be a timid door mat like I was during both of my Codependent marriages so that feels like a step forward even if it kills some other relationships with Lying Users or folks I don't need in my life. If I learned anything from my previous 2 marriages. it is that I have to be and want to be INDEPENDENT or at least less Codependent and able or willing to say NO to Users and Liars, like several folks in my late wife's family who are NO LONGER a part of my life. If I have to go it alone from now on, rather than be caught up in Codependent dramas with Users and Liars, so be it. Self esteem work has pulled my through before and can again. I probably should be giving credit to my Higher Power here but I've found that even that can become a form of helpless Codependency, for me.
Re: "Just remember all the good."
I've seen and heard this worn out cliche in Recovery Rooms and elsewhere and always laugh at at the obvious flaw in it. In Recovery, I was taught to remember EVERYTHING and focus on the TRUTH and not just parts or pieces of the TRUTH. You cannot learn much by just remembering the good and ignoring everything else so, as much as it might hurt, I learned to look at EVERYTHING in my marriages and family of origin to learn what I can in order to do better in the future and I cherish what Recovery has taught me about looking for and finding ~ TRUTH. I don't always do it well but I am still willing to look for and find whatever Truths I can and especially in relationships with others where Codependency can happen in a flash for me. My greatest defense is to be aware of a tendency of becoming a door mat and that a USER can overwhelm me in a heartbeat if I'm not vigilant and cautious so I am not out there, frantically searching for another woman to become my next mom/leader. I do remember the "good" and cherish all of it BUT it's very important for me to remember ALL OF IT so I do not unwittingly go on repeating the same unhappy patterns that popped up in literally ALL of my previous relationships - especially with women. My late wife was NOT a tyrant or User but I somehow made the relationship one of me as the door mat and her as the boss. When she became so ill and helpless that I had to become a full time caregiver, I almost collapsed of fear from HAVING TO take charge and be responsible for a change!! After her many stokes, she was no longer the "brains" and I had to start dong the thinking and remembering, etc. for both of us. Whew! I suddenly had to grow up and take charge! OUCH! But now that she's "gone", I seem to have no motivation, direction, interests, desires, purpose, goals, intentions, and sleep A LOT! My self esteem is still here and I am not "depressed" - just unmotivated. I no longer care about stuff I used to like and only practice my horns just enough to play reasonably well at the next gig. It's not that there is no future but more that I am just not highly motivated or inspired by anything or anyone these days. Perhaps I need to go to some CODA meetings again!? But I don't want to be Dependent on others for motivation and purpose and any (alcoholic) USER can take me over in a flash.
Looks like I'm whining here so, thanks for letting me share......................
