Many years ago Woody Allen made a film about a man with such poor boundaries he became a "human chameleon", he took on the attributes of those around him.
He spliced old footage together with new footage shot in black and white, and mixed it, at one point it shows Zelig in Rome as a Cardinal up on stage with the pope, then shortly thereafter in Berlin on stage with Hitler and the Nazi Party (Zelig is Jewish) it was hilarious, he is finally tracked down in Chinatown in an opium den speaking chinese...when he is taken to be studied by a group of Psychiatrists he psychoanalyzes all of the Doctors present, the movie is genius
They go through his past and it turns out he was abused horribly as a child, in typical Woody Allen style telling such an awful story of abuse in a way that had me laughing until my sides hurt, but it is also incredibly tragic, he HAD to learn to appear like everyone around him in order to survive, it was a learned behavior in order to help him survive in a "cruel world".
What happened was he was so abused that he lost all sense of his personal boundaries, he didn't know where he ended and others began.
This both spoke to me as an alcoholic and a codependent. As an alcoholic I learned to "fit in" no matter where I went. As a codependent I learned to not "rock the boat", if I "pulled someones covers" ie exposed the elephant in the room I was subject to "lashback" or as it's commonly known, to abuse. This occured first in my family of origin, and then later on in relationships I had, I repeated this type of relationship pattern.
Alcoholic Insanity is contagious.
They say alcoholism is a "family disease, that it affects everyone around it. What does that mean?
One of the things I have noticed for myself, is for some of the symptoms displayed by alcoholic insanity I react "defensively", in the medical use of the word, I literally react to "defend" myself, One way is learning "how to fit in", how to not "make waves", or "stir the pot" in other instances I acquire the very characteristics that are harming me.
This is how "abuse" gets handed down generation after generation.
By the time we get here, I have heard it said we are addicted to addicts in many cases, and addicted to relationships and fixing others in other cases, we have learned that we need a "designated patient" in order to feel good about ourselves and keep the focus off ourselves, we either try to dominate those around us, or depend on them too much. Relationships become an addiction.
The thing about addiction is all addiction shares common symptoms
We do anything to "protect our addiction", we tell ourselves the most outrageous stories in order to justify our actions, to minimize our behavior, eventually going into a nearly incoherent rage when our efforts at controlling others fail.
This is the "codependent bottom"
It was different then an alcoholic bottom but no less painful, actually it was more painful and more confusing then my alcoholic bottom, because I thought my misery was caused by the actions of others, it was harder to see and to understand.
I rewrote the following two paragraphs from an article about addiction, changing addict to codependent, take a look
Quote:
this relationship is necessary or even useful and good for the codependent; that the circumstances of their life justify this relationship; that people who indicate concern about them are enemies and not friends, and all other such beliefs which are patently and transparently false to everyone but themselves, are seldom correctable by reason or objective data
In many cases the codependent responds to negative feedback from others about his addiction by following the maxim of "Attack the attacker." Those who confront or complain about the codependent's irrational and unhealthy behaviors are criticized, analyzed and dismissed by the codependent as untrustworthy or biased observers and false messengers. Their own vulnerabilities may be ruthlessly exposed and exploited by the codependent in their desperate defense of their codependency. In many cases, depending upon their own psychological makeup and the nature of their relationship to the addict, they themselves may begin to manifest significant psychological symptoms. Emotional and social withdrawal, secrecy, fear and shame can cause the mental health of those closely involved with addicts to deteriorate. Almost always there is fear, anger, confusion and depression resulting from repeated damaging exposures to the addict's unhealthy and irrational behaviors and their corresponding and supporting private reality.
Now look around, read other folks posts in other Alanon forums, it's easy to see these behaviors and damage in almost every thread on those forums (I did that because I was unable to see these qualities in myself until I saw them in others).
Now look for it in yourself.
We have all been harmed by codependency in some form or fashion.
How have you been damaged by codependency?
What behaviors do you have now that you wish you didn't?
What would you change about yourself?
How has you "normal" changed?
Are you Zelig, with no sense of self and boundaries, not sure where you end and others begin with deep seated low self esteem? or are you The Terminator right after he says "I'll be back", kicking butt and taking names?
or are you Dumbledore maybe, who fell in love with a dark wizard when he was young, who was seduced by "the dark side" and made a series of questionable decisions leading to the death of his sister, thereupon becoming aware of his weaknesses, and love of power and changed his life accordingly to stay away from the seduction of power (his addiction) and became a force of good.
So we have all been harmed by codependency, what are you doing to heal that pain and become a force of good?
I don't want to be that human chameleon any more, I read somewhere else that the antidote for that was a strong sense of self and the courage to communicate my boundaries, thoughts, and feelings
Today I will try to live up to the best of my own humanity, and not just for me, but in order to stop harming those around me, but I need to do it for me, because if there is one thing I have learned, it's when I do something for "someone else" there is a "behavioral modification price tag" on it
So today I will try to live up to the best of my own humanity for me, and leave the "gifts with strings" where they belong.
In the past
__________________
it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
lol, Zelig, love that movie. A friend of mine back home used to call me Zelig. He said, "Steve here will become whatever you want him to be".
It was true. I'd act smart, dumb, sophisticated, red-neck, conservative, liberal, middle of the road, religious, atheistic, sports fan, science fiction fan, you name it, so that somebody would actually actually like me and so that I'd fit in.
It didn't work, I left my home town and three people other than family saw me off at the airport. They are the only three friends I have today back home.
I've been in another fellowship for a little while now, and that's helped, a lot.
But I still find myself becoming a chameleon, especially in uncomfortable situations.
And saying "no" to somedody? Not in my vocabulary.
