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Post Info TOPIC: I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.


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I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
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I share on this later, just want to get characteristic threads going.

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Dean


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Loyal?  No, for me it isn't loyalty, it is fear.  Fear of confrontation.  Fear of failure.  Fear of losing the familiar.  Fear of being responsible for my part. 

After I started to admit my behaviors, own them, put the ego aside - removing myself from them is becoming easier.  Saying "no" has become easier - helping avoid the situation in the first place.  Still find myself there often but with practice it is better.

Linistea

-- Edited by Linistea on Friday 4th of March 2011 05:41:31 PM

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This topic makes me think of this:


Although we like to think that the people in our lives are well-adjusted, happy, healthy minded individuals, we sometimes realize that it just isn't so.  Personally, I've had moments where I'll be skipping through my day, happy as can be, thinking life is grand and BAM, I'll be blindsided by someone who manages to knock the happy wind out of my sails.  Sometimes it is easy to write it off and other times, not so much.

Maybe you are a positive person, but when you are around a certain individual, you feel negative.  Or, maybe you have an idealistic view of the world and when you are with certain people, you are made to feel silly, unrealistic or delusional.  Or, maybe you pride yourself in being completely independent and in control of your life, but when you are around a certain family member, you regress into a state of childhood.

Some of these situations, and yes, these people, can have a tremendously negative impact on our lives.  And, although we are all human and have our 'issues,' some 'issues' are quite frankly, toxic.  They are toxic to our happiness.  They are toxic to our mental outlook.  They are toxic to our self-esteem.  And they are toxic to our lives.  They can suck the life out of us and even shorten our lifespan.

Here are the worst of the toxic personalities out there and how to spot them:

1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics.  Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late.  These individuals figure out what your 'buttons' are, and push them to get what they want.

  • Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem.  They find ways to make you do things that you don't necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation.  The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.

2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them.  They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met.  You often want to say to them "It isn't always about you."

  • Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust.  You are left disappointed and unfulfilled.  Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.

3. Debbie Downers: These people can't appreciate the positive in life.  If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast.  If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they'll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.

  • Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything.  Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity.  Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.

4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive.  If you find people's unique perspectives refreshing, they find them 'wrong'.  If you like someone's eclectic taste, they find it 'disturbing' or 'bad'.

  • Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers.  In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over.  If the world was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring.  Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.

5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can't do it.  As you achieve, they try to pull you down.  As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.

  • Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be.  Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself.  Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.

6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere.  You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh.  You feel depressed and sad and they give you a 'there, there' type response.  You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.

  • Why they are toxic: People who aren't sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria.  This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships.  When you are really in need of a friend, they won't be there.  When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are.  When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.

7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways.  In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies.  Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you.  Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business.  Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.

  • Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don't respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy.  These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.

8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy.  They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you.  They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.

  • Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process.  They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.

All of these personalities have several things in common.  1) the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue.  2) Unfortunately, most of these people don't see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears, leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one.  3) Most of these people get worse with age, making their impact on you stronger with time.

Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity.  If you can, avoid spending mucho time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you'll feel a lot happier. Have you encountered these personalities?  What have you done?  Any personalities you would add?



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The relationship I;m in now will be five in June. It started out with her still married, but not living together,( with her now ex ) for a few years. My mind told me it was ok. I was still married but only on paper, and that was because I am a procrastinator, there was no relationship there at all. They on the other hand, talked on the phone at least one time a day and even got together every once in a while to play married in front of there 20 year old son. This codei thing must have been raging out of control then. It was a situation that went against every fiber of my grain, yet I did it anyway, I remember our first date, took a ride on the harley after the sat noon AA meeting. We stopped for lunch, and as we were waiting for lunch to be served and talking to get to know each other, her phone rings and she said she had to take it, it was her spouce... My first thought was to finish lunch and take her home and not call or see her again, except at meetings of course. The first words out of my mouth after her call were " what are you doing tonight? "     Its been a rocky deal to say it mildly. my point to the topic is,  a month into the relationship, already living together ( her and I ), and brused up and down, I remember saying   " my love is unconditional and I WILL GO THRUOGH HELL FOR YOU "  I felt like it was my duty to live up to that promise,cause the more you suffer the deeper the love, right. How many times I have brought that out as a weapon to get bread from the hardware store..I dont want to die at 49 from old age due to codependent related stress. She still keeps me a secret to her son, and the big argument this weekend is that I need her to move her stuff out of her ex"s house. The reality is, if thats what she really wanted, she would have done it when she got divorced three years ago. BUT, the really big question is this. Whats wrong with me that I would sell my self out for so long, only for what I know deep down in my inner most self, has just been a fantasy and an illusion. There might be love there, but it is really obscured by the codependent fear of abandonment.



-- Edited by billyjack on Sunday 6th of March 2011 11:30:18 AM

-- Edited by billyjack on Sunday 6th of March 2011 11:31:45 AM

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"Sometimes the lights are all shining on me - other times I can barely see - Lately its occurred to me - what a long strange trip its been."   Robert Hunter 



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Fear of abandonment, dying alone, experiencing life without having another there to share with.. I think thats my biggest defects. I go from person to person and then justify the break up as its their fault.

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Me too. All of my decision have been based on fear and I always stay in situations way too long. Jobs. Relationships. Friendships. You name it. Deep down, I guess that I just do not believe that I can be safe by myself, I'm afraid of loss and I just can't let things go, for fear.

Steve

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Yup- same here.  I'd walk through the red flags(God's messages) because of:  Fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, fear of failure, fear of change & fear of the unknown.  Fear of the unknown is my biggest fear. 

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"I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long...."


Only 26 years for me. For all the reasons mentioned here.  (sigh)

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This characteristic has just struck me with a new meaning. I am struggling with an unmanageability in my life right now around my counselling course. I created space in my life early this year so that I would take the time to invest in this & draw back from other commitments like CoDA (still continuing with weekly co-sponsors group), Clearmind (psychospiritual org weekly support group & egroup) & MIP so that I can succeed in my diploma & find a placement. I have still procrastinated, reading other material & indulging in facebook, etc. I'm now at a point where I'm still in the online egroup which I read every day, I'm back at MIP & even more so now with our new CoDA board & back where I started, sad, fearful, frustrated & again unmanageable.

It seems I am still in a situation that is harmful to me in that I am getting nothing done for my course & do not feel in a position to take up a placement. I have guilt because I still want to be & considered to be a part of the community here & I'm frightened if I step away I'll be considered unimportant, not loved or wanted but also I enjoy what I learn here but it's not really helping me to find the time to read material for my course. Also, I'm frightened of missing you all & the security I get here at MIP, on egroup & in support. I'm afraid of being successful away from here as if I don't deserve it & that I should be dependent on these things & not try too hard because I'm a failure anyway.

There's a lot of undercurrents for me remaining in this situation so long & it's time for me to inventory & get really real. You will not hate me or think I'm a failure if I move away. Where did I get the message I should stay or die? When was I punished for leaving a situation that wasn't good for me? I know people left me sometimes & the pain in fear & hatred for them & myself was hard that I sometimes wonder if my loyalty comes from not wanting others to feel about me the way I've felt about others. (Judge & so ye shall be judged). I grew up envious of other people's success & hated them & myself for it so maybe I'm projecting that fear onto myself now as if I could look from your point of view! I know none of you will feel abandoned if I take care of myself. I suppose some of my loyalty comes from not wanting others to feel as I have felt but this is still assumative of me & actually I don't need to stay for this reason. You all teach me a lot but I can learn other things too like what is on my course & that isn't a rejection of you!

My reasons for staying in harmful situations for too long have been deep & embroiled & I don't want to or have to do it any more. Please know I love you & I love me too. Like getting sober I want to do whatever it takes to succeed & that means following my heart in ambition because I do deserve it & I don't need to die in the process either mentally, emotionally, spiritually or physically. I can love you from afar & check in now & then. It really doesn't mean I don't love or care about you.

I suppose my loyalty has been sick & tied up in fears & defects lol I am responsible for my life & my well-being. I need to find the right levels of commitment for me. To Thine Own Self Be True. As always 1Day@aTime, hey. I hope I've made sense. I am grateful also for your witness. I've made these resolutions before but today I am making a decision. Thank you for believing in & trusting me. I am believing in & trusting in God. This is a Step 10 & now I need to pray. Thank you for any feed back you feel prompted to give!

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Oh Boy, Billy Jack. Your woman sounds like a mix of me and my estranged wife. For too long I've been the secret lover. for over 5 years and it hurts. I'm hidden from the adult children of the marriage and hidden fro her friends, colleagues, even some of her family. And I put up wiht all this because of my guilt and shame for my past behaviours. we would talk every day by telephone, several times a day. We've been together for 29 years, living in a marital home for 27 of those, then another 5 years of me living alone and her playing house in secret and I joined in with it.

So I come to the realisation that 1. I love her but like a sister and 2. I don't want to follow through on the promises I made in the first year when I was drunk that I'd wait forever to run away with her, neither do I want to follow through on the promises I made to her when I started the journey of sober living. (all very similar - yes, it's OK put me and you at the bottom of the pile, I'll wait forever...........) So 3. I feel this relationship is dead in the water. It cannot be breathed life into, in a big part becasue I don't want to, I don't want to live with the subtle control and manipulation and the fear any more.

OK this did come to a head when I met someone else, who is going through a divorce, who seems to like me without wanting to possess me, or control me, but we've done our best to push each other away while we get our heads sorted. But man my heart still flips when I see her.

So after keeping our distance for a month or so, I did come to the realisation that I have to get out of this dead marriage, not to be with this other woman, but to save my sanity. I need to turn the page on this chapter as gently as I can. My estranged wife and I are both hurting and hurting each other. It's time to face reality and let it go.

Then, and only then, once a plan has been developed, my exisitng relationship resolved, all the financial crap that goes with it and ultimately the divorce done, that's when I can consiider the possibility of a new relationship. Once I'm free, because although married in law, I still won't be doing the adultery thing with anyone.

as for the other woman - well like I say, my heart leaps when I see her, but if she wants help she'll ask. She won't engage in a relationship until we both have got other issues sorted. that's ok, I'm ok with that. I don't answer to her, she don't answer to me. I am prepared and willing to live in my own company for the rest of my life if that's what it takes for me to be contented.

This morning, I woke up smiling. First time in years and years.

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I have stayed 'loyal' to many different people over my life. I think for me, part of the reason was simply not knowing what to do! Fight, flight or freeze? My feet were frozen to the spot, my mind was in fight mode, and my heart in flight. I have recently identified this pattern in me, even now that I live alone. I now apply the same fight flight or freeze principals to any person, place or situation.

The wounded little child in me was waiting outside the hardware store, certain that someone in there had a loaf of bread, and hoping that when they came out, they would drop a crumb, and if I were lucky, I would get the crumb.

I love this forum. Thanks to everyone here.


Newlight

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I stayed with my AH of 22 years well after most would have left due to the lies, embarrassment, selfishness, insanity.  He is sober now, and our marriage is improving, but I still look back at the woman who stayed with him and sigh at how little she respected and loved herself.

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Welcome CI.  Glad your here to join us.  There's a space in the life raft for everyone.

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