This topic makes me think of this:


Although we like to think that the people in our lives are well-adjusted, happy, healthy minded individuals, we sometimes realize that it just isn't so.  Personally, I've had moments where I'll be skipping through my day, happy as can be, thinking life is grand and BAM, I'll be blindsided by someone who manages to knock the happy wind out of my sails.  Sometimes it is easy to write it off and other times, not so much.

Maybe you are a positive person, but when you are around a certain individual, you feel negative.  Or, maybe you have an idealistic view of the world and when you are with certain people, you are made to feel silly, unrealistic or delusional.  Or, maybe you pride yourself in being completely independent and in control of your life, but when you are around a certain family member, you regress into a state of childhood.

Some of these situations, and yes, these people, can have a tremendously negative impact on our lives.  And, although we are all human and have our 'issues,' some 'issues' are quite frankly, toxic.  They are toxic to our happiness.  They are toxic to our mental outlook.  They are toxic to our self-esteem.  And they are toxic to our lives.  They can suck the life out of us and even shorten our lifespan.

Here are the worst of the toxic personalities out there and how to spot them:

1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics.  Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late.  These individuals figure out what your 'buttons' are, and push them to get what they want.

• Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem.  They find ways to make you do things that you don't necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation.  The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.

2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them.  They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met.  You often want to say to them "It isn't always about you."

• Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust.  You are left disappointed and unfulfilled.  Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.

3. Debbie Downers: These people can't appreciate the positive in life.  If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast.  If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they'll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.

• Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything.  Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity.  Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.

4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive.  If you find people's unique perspectives refreshing, they find them 'wrong'.  If you like someone's eclectic taste, they find it 'disturbing' or 'bad'.

• Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers.  In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over.  If the world was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring.  Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.

5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can't do it.  As you achieve, they try to pull you down.  As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.

• Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be.  Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself.  Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.

6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere.  You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh.  You feel depressed and sad and they give you a 'there, there' type response.  You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.

• Why they are toxic: People who aren't sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria.  This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships.  When you are really in need of a friend, they won't be there.  When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are.  When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.

7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways.  In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies.  Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you.  Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business.  Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.

• Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don't respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy.  These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.

8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy.  They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you.  They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.

• Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process.  They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.

All of these personalities have several things in common.  1) the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue.  2) Unfortunately, most of these people don't see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears, leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one.  3) Most of these people get worse with age, making their impact on you stronger with time.

Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity.  If you can, avoid spending mucho time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you'll feel a lot happier. Have you encountered these personalities?  What have you done?  Any personalities you would add?

Fear of abandonment, dying alone, experiencing life without having another there to share with.. I think thats my biggest defects. I go from person to person and then justify the break up as its their fault.

Yup- same here.  I'd walk through the red flags(God's messages) because of:  Fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, fear of failure, fear of change & fear of the unknown.  Fear of the unknown is my biggest fear. 

This characteristic has just struck me with a new meaning. I am struggling with an unmanageability in my life right now around my counselling course. I created space in my life early this year so that I would take the time to invest in this & draw back from other commitments like CoDA (still continuing with weekly co-sponsors group), Clearmind (psychospiritual org weekly support group & egroup) & MIP so that I can succeed in my diploma & find a placement. I have still procrastinated, reading other material & indulging in facebook, etc. I'm now at a point where I'm still in the online egroup which I read every day, I'm back at MIP & even more so now with our new CoDA board & back where I started, sad, fearful, frustrated & again unmanageable.

It seems I am still in a situation that is harmful to me in that I am getting nothing done for my course & do not feel in a position to take up a placement. I have guilt because I still want to be & considered to be a part of the community here & I'm frightened if I step away I'll be considered unimportant, not loved or wanted but also I enjoy what I learn here but it's not really helping me to find the time to read material for my course. Also, I'm frightened of missing you all & the security I get here at MIP, on egroup & in support. I'm afraid of being successful away from here as if I don't deserve it & that I should be dependent on these things & not try too hard because I'm a failure anyway.

There's a lot of undercurrents for me remaining in this situation so long & it's time for me to inventory & get really real. You will not hate me or think I'm a failure if I move away. Where did I get the message I should stay or die? When was I punished for leaving a situation that wasn't good for me? I know people left me sometimes & the pain in fear & hatred for them & myself was hard that I sometimes wonder if my loyalty comes from not wanting others to feel about me the way I've felt about others. (Judge & so ye shall be judged). I grew up envious of other people's success & hated them & myself for it so maybe I'm projecting that fear onto myself now as if I could look from your point of view! I know none of you will feel abandoned if I take care of myself. I suppose some of my loyalty comes from not wanting others to feel as I have felt but this is still assumative of me & actually I don't need to stay for this reason. You all teach me a lot but I can learn other things too like what is on my course & that isn't a rejection of you!

My reasons for staying in harmful situations for too long have been deep & embroiled & I don't want to or have to do it any more. Please know I love you & I love me too. Like getting sober I want to do whatever it takes to succeed & that means following my heart in ambition because I do deserve it & I don't need to die in the process either mentally, emotionally, spiritually or physically. I can love you from afar & check in now & then. It really doesn't mean I don't love or care about you.

I suppose my loyalty has been sick & tied up in fears & defects lol I am responsible for my life & my well-being. I need to find the right levels of commitment for me. To Thine Own Self Be True. As always 1Day@aTime, hey. I hope I've made sense. I am grateful also for your witness. I've made these resolutions before but today I am making a decision. Thank you for believing in & trusting me. I am believing in & trusting in God. This is a Step 10 & now I need to pray. Thank you for any feed back you feel prompted to give!

I have stayed 'loyal' to many different people over my life. I think for me, part of the reason was simply not knowing what to do! Fight, flight or freeze? My feet were frozen to the spot, my mind was in fight mode, and my heart in flight. I have recently identified this pattern in me, even now that I live alone. I now apply the same fight flight or freeze principals to any person, place or situation.

The wounded little child in me was waiting outside the hardware store, certain that someone in there had a loaf of bread, and hoping that when they came out, they would drop a crumb, and if I were lucky, I would get the crumb.

I love this forum. Thanks to everyone here.


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