First of all don't feel stupid, reaching out and trying to talk about these amorphous concepts is difficult at best, for example, I can't give you a straight answer to your questions, I am going to have to use allegory and examples from my own experience that have nothing to do with relationships in order to try to answer your question, personally one of the benefits of going to meetings is I hear my own idiotic ideas verbalized out loud by other people, that's why in AA meetings you hear the meetings rolling with laughter, they talk about the absolutely insane thoughts they have and the entire room relates and laughs...

Anyhow, as you may have guessed, I am an alcoholic, I -suffer- from alcoholism, but I don't have a drinking problem, as a matter of fact I haven't drank more years of my adult life then I have drank, I don't drink today, I haven't had a drink in years, so drinking is -not- my problem, I have a thinking problem, now if I were to pick up a drink I'd have a drinking problem almost immediately, because something happens when I put alcohol in my system that makes it impossible for me to stop once I start, and makes it impossible for me to tell you what will happen if I have even one drink, I could end up in jail, you may come home and your toilet seat would be left up and your cat would be pregnant, the possibilities are endless

So what makes me an alcoholic is two things, I have an obsession of the mind coupled with an allergy of the body, now the obsession of the mind can be lifted, by working the steps, and I've seen other people just quit for years with no program, but for example, me, I drank again after many years sober....twice...and both times it went poorly.... we have all kinds of alcoholics, periodics, bingers, daily drinkers, people you never see drunk but drink 2 cases of beer and a quart of whisky a day, but they share some common symptoms, they either can't quit, or they lose control over the amount they take once they start drinking, for me for example, it's not every time, I can have 1 or 2 drinks and do (in the early stages) frequently, but I can't -promise- I will only have one or two, not to you, not to me, something always comes up that makes drinking until 2AM, sleeping with that girl, and driving my car drunk into various stationary objects like phone booths laughing my ass off of paramount importance, and nothing will stop me except being locked up, not being in a relationship, not wife, kids, threat of jail or death, nothing, I go insane.

That's just me though

Anyhow, I believe codependency is like that, as long as we isolate we don't seem to "have" codependency, but put us in a relationship, or make us interact with others that "trigger" our codependency, and we're off to the races, in my case, my last bout of codependent insanity was "triggered" by my mother, being in close contact with her (and the rest of those inbred hillbillys that I call 'family') for a few years and I was off my rocker, we have many types, we have codependents, counter-dependents, we have relationship addicts, serial monogamists, sex addicts, we have people that can be alone for years and love it, we have people that can't bear to be alone, we have people in sick relationships that have been married for decades, that try to put on a show of how healthy they are, but I think what we all have in common is dysfunctional relationships with others, whether it be family members, work, dysfuctional childhood patterns that replay over and over, and for most of us I think these dysfunctions become apparent in romantic relationships,....and work relationships...well...and friendships....anyway, my point is I think there are many different flavors, and quite frankly that is why I am here, to take the focus off "over there" and put it on me, to "put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror"

One way I do that is to look for the similarities, not the differences, there are many stories I have NOTHING in common with, I have never been a wife or a mother, hell I have never been married, but I see my "stuff" I hear "my story"

When I was young and drinking and bartending, I ...ummm...slept around......like a lot...like a lot lot...like with different people, sometimes with quite a few people in the room at the same time,  now granted that was many years ago, and I'm sure the aforementioned wives and mothers here don't share that slutty history with me, but what they can share with me is my feelings today, my quest for healthy relationships with others, my quest to have that healthy relationship with someone special, the ability to recognize unhealthy when I see it, and as Kenny Rogers said before he started looking like Barbara Stanwick, "you got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run"

So we just here, or me I should say, I am here looking to learn how to recognize a winning hand when it's dealt to me, and to know what to do with it when it comes, to know what cards to discard, to know when to throw in all the cards, and know how to recognize a keeper, and become one too.

The best way I can describe my growth, and I do say this frequently, is "oh look, another piece of the elephant", because the more angles I can look at myself, the more objective I can be, the more "bits" of the elephant I can touch, the better chance I will lead a happy healthy life

I isolate and can only imagine what it would be like to have a partner.

I had a very unhealthy relationship with a sober AA member years ago, for only 2 years.

I had lots of different boyfriends when I was young and single. 

I would really love to have a loving partner.

Someone I could love and someone to love me, and share a life with, but deep down, or maybe not so deep down anymore, I am terrified of letting anyone get close to me.

I don't believe I am well enough to attract anyone who would treat me well.

I was sexually abused many times as a child.

I have only recently been getting help to address the issues involved.

I don't trust myself to be able to take care of myself in a romantic relationship.

I also believe that I don't deserve love, or anything good, so why go looking for it?

I am working at healing my part in family relationships, and very happy to be finding good healthier friendships with women in the program. Also I am working my own recovery as best I can.

I know that one of my many traits is that I always feel like I don't belong.

I have noticed that I automatically look for reasons why I don't belong, in order to justify isolating.

To me, all of that says to me "Welcome, you are in the right place, you are seeking what we are all seeking" for me, this just happens to be one of the paths I am taking, I believe every single one of those sentences deserves a good long hard loving look at addressing it, to heal it, and I believe this place, this board can help with that, I relate to every, single, one of those statements, I believe those qualify you for this board handily, and I hope you find the love and support here you so richly deserve, and this board helps you find answers

Now remember, I'm just one of the blind men here, so take what you like and leave the rest, this is just my answer for me, I don't know whether it applies to you or not, it's just what came out of my finger pecking when I saw your post

John Godfrey Saxe's ( 1816-1887) version of the famous Indian legend,

It was six men of Indostan
To learning much inclined,
Who went to see the Elephant
(Though all of them were blind),
That each by observation
Might satisfy his mind.

The First approach'd the Elephant,
And happening to fall
Against his broad and sturdy side,
At once began to bawl:
"God bless me! but the Elephant
Is very like a wall!"

The Second, feeling of the tusk,
Cried, -"Ho! what have we here
So very round and smooth and sharp?
To me 'tis mighty clear
This wonder of an Elephant
Is very like a spear!"

The Third approached the animal,
And happening to take
The squirming trunk within his hands,
Thus boldly up and spake:
"I see," quoth he, "the Elephant
Is very like a snake!"

The Fourth reached out his eager hand,
And felt about the knee.
"What most this wondrous beast is like
Is mighty plain," quoth he,
"'Tis clear enough the Elephant
Is very like a tree!"

The Fifth, who chanced to touch the ear,
Said: "E'en the blindest man
Can tell what this resembles most;
Deny the fact who can,
This marvel of an Elephant
Is very like a fan!"

The Sixth no sooner had begun
About the beast to grope,
Then, seizing on the swinging tail
That fell within his scope,
"I see," quoth he, "the Elephant
Is very like a rope!"

And so these men of Indostan
Disputed loud and long,
Each in his own opinion
Exceeding stiff and strong,
Though each was partly in the right,
And all were in the wrong!

MORAL.

So oft in theologic wars,
The disputants, I ween,
Rail on in utter ignorance
Of what each other mean,
And prate about an Elephant
Not one of them has seen

-- Edited by LinBaba on Friday 11th of March 2011 10:58:22 PM