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Post Info TOPIC: Group Conscience


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Group Conscience
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Well we've successfully been up and running for a few weeks now, I thought I'd see about getting a group conscience going since we have been flying by the seat of our pants

1. Get some stickies up

I was reading in the "official" Coda meeting starter packets, and they have some good solid guidelines, such as no crosstalk, using "I" messages etc, I thought we could start putting together a board guideline to put up to refer folks if they have questions, are inappropriate etc, just a general outline of what we do and don't do here, such as appropriate language, the giving of direct advice etc

I will start trying to put something together later using CODA literature, then we can start editing it together based on group conscience, but I think a few stickies would be helpful

Personally I especially liked in the "characteristics of codependents" in the coda site it specifically addresses such as

Control patterns:

  • I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
  • I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
  • I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
  • I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
  • I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
  • I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
  • I demand that my needs be met by others.
  • I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.
  • I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others.
  • I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.
  • I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
  • I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
  • I pretend to agree with others to get what I want.
I think these are generally speaking good things to watch out for (and I am speaking for myself here) but if one of the outstanding characteristics of codependence is thinking we know what is right for others and then giving them unsolicited advice, I personally think we should have a sticky explaining that, then if necessary a mod can bring that to someone's attention who may not know better or be new, I think "no crosstalk" and learning to use "I" language are some of the more important tools of recovery

so anyhow, maybe a few stickies, The Coda Preamble, some board guidelines, even if a thread gets hit out of the park maybe a "classic reading" sticky, like where we can attach links to FAQ's and maybe the book study and step study depending on it's success, but for example, newcomers frequently ask the same questions, if we had these topics addresses inside a sticky it would save the hassle of trying to search every time

2. Get some mods

I think we need a few mods for a few reasons, we can't expect John to mod this board, it should be active members, but for one reason this board seems to "eat" posts, it tells me I need permission from a moderator then the message is never seen again, I see this happening to other members here as well, I think we should have the resources to police our own pool, in case we get spammers, or the occasional poopy butt, we need to be able to moderate this

I think we should have a few, so no one member has it turn into a job, Personally I nominate Linistea and dean, they have both moderated for john and have plenty of experience, but the decision is up to them if they want to accept or if John wants to allow us to have mods, I am just putting the idea out there

3. Discuss what resources to use

This is called a CODA site but I notice (and like) that we use a plethora of resources, I'd like to ask that we continue this trend and allow -all- literature germaine to recovery and codependency to be discussed here, there are great books out there, lets use them, from melody beatty to pia melody to toby rice drew to bradshaw to earnie larsen to whatsername schaaf to the author of dance of the wounded codie birds or whatever that guys name was, robert somebody, but so far we have been exploring co-dependence, counter-dependence, love addiction, love avoidant, family of origin issues, I'd like this site to remain open to exploring a path to recovery and loving relationships no matter who wrote it

Anyhow, my overall thoughts are using a Coda structure, the 12 steps and 12 traditions as guidelines and having the board open to all authors works and all aspects of codependency, including love addictions, relationship addictions, counter-codependency, or whatever we'd call like being tyrannized by a codependent mother or sig other, emotional dependence on others, dependence on groups even, the point being being open to pursue this to whatever avenues it leads us on this journey, although maybe keep it somewhat on topic, like stories about being breastfed until we were ten might be curtailed in the interests of good taste

anyhow, discuss

thoughts?

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jj


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i agree, thanks for taking the initiative, LB.
  we can bring up/mention materials that that have helped with codependance, but sticking with CoDa approved materials is important.
  conduct and language rules should be adhered to, so people don't write in anger or attack others ideas or young concepts.  group support and spiritual growth is important to me.
  thanks
sheila/jj

-- Edited by jj on Thursday 17th of March 2011 09:40:12 AM

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jj wrote:
we can bring up/mention materials that that have helped with codependance, but sticking with CoDa approved materials is important.


Thanks for your reply, agree with your guidelines

The MIP "policy" about the "message boards" as opposed to the actual meetings which take place in the chatrooms is these boards are analogous to bulletin boards in the virtual "buildings" where the meetings take place, and as such any topic of discussion is welcomed and any source material is appropriate, we have chatrooms for actual "meetings" where we adhere EXACTLY to the 12 steps and 12 traditions of the program in question, and then we have the "message board" which is like "the meeting after the meeting" and we discuss pretty much whatever we want, like MIP is the "building" we have our programs and meetings, the meetings take place in the chatrooms, and the discussions take place on the message boards/forum, those discussions quite frankly can be about whatever we choose to discuss, he even talked about it being similar to a bulleting board asking for a babysitter, as in "off topic" is OK

This issue came up on the MIP Alanon Forum and I followed the thread and attended the meeting held in the chatroom, and the decision there was it was John, who owns and operates MIP, who made this analogy and policy

John said in the Alanon meeting, and on his posts and I agreed that only "allowing" "official approved literature" on the message boards themselves weren't what MIP was about and it was unduly restrictive, I was remiss in even mentioning that in my intitial post, I was more "approving" of this policy of Johns then opening up that particular can of worms to a discussion, the misunderstandings I created about that is my fault, and I apologize for any confusion I might have caused

Hence we are doing a book study and step study using Melody Beatty's books at the moment, afterwards Dean mentioned taking us through a John Bradshaw book, after that I was hoping Billy Jack would take us through his Codependence book, dance of the wounded souls or whatever it was called

 



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Thanks LB, all of what you posted is relevant and needed. I will help moderate, and I sent John a pm suqqestinq that he ask you also to moderate. And I second the nomination of Linistea for moderator as well.

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Dean


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 Linbaba, I like everything that was proposed. I am enjoying all the different angles that are here. Generaly because I think most of us here at the start of this, are more that just one thing in recovery. And I think its all pertinent, at least everything that has been here so far. I'm hoping that those thing put in place ( that you propose ), we as a group can keep this flowing in a direction of solution rather that a place to complain about who we think is making us sick.

ps. thanks for the laugh I needed that :  
of dance of the wounded codie birds or whatever that guys name was, robert somebody    


-- Edited by billyjack on Thursday 17th of March 2011 04:17:23 PM

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"Sometimes the lights are all shining on me - other times I can barely see - Lately its occurred to me - what a long strange trip its been."   Robert Hunter 



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My thoughts:

1.  Stickies will happen with the implementations of mods.  Right now the thread list isn't too long that one can't find some interesting fact just by looking through the 2 pages of threads started to date.  But yes, stickies will be needed before long after the thread count grows.

2.  Mods would be nice and I will consider being a mod.  There were personal issues that ended me being a mod on the Al-Anon board and I need to consider whether those are still issues now.  I will also talk to John.  I have been watching Dean mod for 2.5 years now - I think he does a very good job and agree that he should be one as well.

3.  Yes, this site is labeled "CoDA" and my thoughts are that this is the coffee get together after the CoDA meeting.  We are all here for the same reason and using the 12 x 12 and CoDA lit is great - but there are so many other resources out there and why limit ourselves?  We are here to share.  We are even here to debate (yay Alzerin!).  John even expressed when this topic came up on the Al-Anon site: "You can come here and share anything you want - how was your day?  How is working on the car going?"  This is a friendly message board to be FRIENDS, treat each other with kindness, and share what is happening in our lives.  Our desire to learn more about codependency is our common goal - but this is NOT a meeting and does not have to strictly follow meeting rules.  If we want to make it extremely rigid - we can pass around the pot and send John the money for taking the time and effort to set this up, and send the rest to CoDA in support of the program.  I stink at making coffee though, so I will bring the cookies.

In that vain - and on the subject of literature - I found this site a few days ago and it appears to be a really good list of books on codependency.  Out of embarrassment about being a codie about my codependency, I will not share how many of them I already own wink.gif.

http://www.recovery-man.com/books/codependency.htm

Anyway, those are just my thoughts on the subject(s). 

Thanks LB!

Linistea

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Hi,
Linistea said "this is the coffee get together"
Sounds simple.
Could get to where I am scared to post for fear of stepping out of line.
Early on I heard the "Don't talk---- don't feel" deal had some real bad side effects in my relationships.
I have ZERO experience in organizing groups, but I seem to recognize over control of the uncontrollable.
Also I could be wrong.
Wayne


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I agree with all the above^^^ :)

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Toad is on to somethinq. Our "AA" board is not an AA qroup, it's a casual place we talk about recovery. However the crosstalk thinq in Coda is important, but what about the folks that ask questions (often)? I aqree that 1st person experience, strenqth and hope is the best way.

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Dean


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I agree with everything that's been said so far. I like the message board being likened to the coffee and chat part of the fellowship. Where I come from, we call it the second half of the meeting. We talk about all sorts of stuff - about our lives in general.

Can I suggest that if anyone 'identifies' strongly with someone and wants to share with just that person, there is an option of private messaging?


Newlight


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