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Post Info TOPIC: Whats the solution to codependecy?


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Whats the solution to codependecy?
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I mean in AA we know the solution is dont drink no matter what, get a sponsor, work the steps etc.. is the solution for codependency the same? but dont be codependent no matter what?  Do you get a seperate sponsor than your AA one?  Are the steps the same?  Do we ask God to remove our codependency traits?  thoughts?

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That's kind of like asking "what's the solution for world peace"

For me the answer was/is similar to AA in that it takes work, it takes surrender, it takes following direction, it takes letting go of tools that are harmful to me, "learned behaviors" that have become destructive in my life, For me it was changing myself, by education, I read read read, I immersed myself in learning about it, then I started immersing myself in the solution

I have found invaluable insights in Codependent No More, in reading the Coda Official sites, in discussions on boards like this one, in step studies like we are starting on this board, and yet more reading dig dig dig, uncover, discover discard, hours of conversations with others, I never want to feel the way I felt nor have it cause the devastation it caused in my life and those around me ever again, so I immersed myself in it 100%

truthfully addressing my codependency was far more complicated and convoluted then ever getting sober was, because all I had to do was hit "X" number of meetings a week, get a sponsor, work the steps, and do what they told me, I didn't have to change much to get sober, just everything, and all it took was willingness, honesty, and open-mindedness, in this gig I had to take the initiative, figure out what was wrong and then start researching stuff that was a good fit for me, I wasn't the classic case of "I'm here because someone else drank" or whatever, I'm here because I learned some -F-'ed up tools of dysfunction from my family of origin, was an alcoholic waiting to happen, flipped a match on the gas and made Darth Vader look like a p*****, i mean Luke and Leia had a fairly normal upbringing compared to mine lol, I took these tools I learned and blazed a fiery path of destruction in every life I touched, the bad news? It got WORSE when I started trying to change things, I'm talking having to rewire my entire operating system

Addressing codependency has taken a lot more initiative, not so much physical initiative as mental, in AA they tossed me one book and said "here, do this, we'll show you how"

now do it again
and again
again

annnnd again

to now I have done the steps literally countless times, I can recite that book off the top of my head chapter and verse, and without that as a foundation, I would be wandering clueless with no idea how to begin, Truthfully, without doing the steps in AA first I would have never made it, frankly much of AA's 12 steps address much of -my- codependency because they come up on my 4th and 5th step, they are addressed masterfully in the 12 and 12 in the 4th step especially, those steps gave me the framework for this work, without that I would have -no- foundation, as in -nothing-

For me I have researched and read 100's of articles, and I don't know how many books, and countless threads on various forums looking at various aspects of my codie root stuff, and there are some good basic texts, we are starting with Codependent No More Book Study and The Codependents Guide to the 12 steps as two of the good solid good beginning basic texts and we could always use more participants to walk that journey with us



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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful



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Have to agree with LB.  I did the steps with an AA sponsor and it showed me quite a bit about myself.  The visual I get is a jar full of stones.  Put the big ones in first - then smaller ones to fill the gaps, then sand to REALLY fill the gaps.

My first pass through the steps was the large stones.  It was awareness and change and learning about both of those things.  The thought that I could be something to learn about - become better at - and change was a completely new concept.  Math, history, art . . . I get learning about those things - but me?  Wow.

So I did the first pass through the steps and grew.  I too continue to do research and try to be aware of my actions, make changes, see the outcome and decide if that works for me or if I need to scrap it or change it a bit.  I am hoping my second pass through the steps with a focus on my behavior inside of relationships will reveal more.  As I said, I read quite a bit and keep this topic close to the surface as I go throughout my days - but I believe a structured "sit-down" with the steps will help me.

Am I going to resolve these behavioral issues right away?  No.  But there will be improvement.  If I keep working keep improving . . . well that is always a good thing.

Steve - I have watched you for some time here on MIP and your interest and intentions around this program are so intriguing.  I am very anxious to talk to you after you have completed the steps.  You have so many questions (I think that is awesome) - but many of them can't appropriately be answered or explained until you do the work yourself.

It really is a simple program.  Doing the work isn't emotionally easy - but the actual physical act of doing the steps is quite simple.  The hardest part is just getting started.  You seem so eager - I can't wait to hear from you during and after you do them.  I think it is going to be incredible.

Linistea

-- Edited by Linistea on Friday 18th of March 2011 08:02:38 AM

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Cl


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I agree there is no magic wand solution to codependency.  And while I haven't been through AA because I am not an A, I personally think it may take a whole new level of introspection and initiative than straight AA.  A lot of what we learn in Al Anon is recovery from codependency.  That may be why I have heard Al Anon referred to as 'advanced AA.'  I would strongly urge those whose codependency can be traced in part to another's alcohol use to become involved in Al-Anon (check out the Al Anon board on MIP to get started).

-- Edited by Cl on Friday 18th of March 2011 08:30:33 AM

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Steve, it's a process not an event. Workinq the steps is a bit different, but imo, a sinqle person will benefit qreatly by stayinq out of relationships for a year, learninq to take care of themselves emotionally, and beinq happy by themself. This will qive the person the opportunity to work on beqininq and maintaninq basic friendship relationships (and endinq some) before learninq how to date, set boundaries for ourselves and others. I'm currently workinq with a person (as a coda sponsor) and had them make a requirements list for a potential relationship. Typically codependents don't have these and anyone who "likes" us is qualified to be in a relationship with us. Later we find out we're totally incompatible, qo fiqure. lol

-- Edited by Dean on Friday 18th of March 2011 09:42:51 AM

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