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Post Info TOPIC: Step Study - Step 1


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Step Study - Step 1
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We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.


In the book "Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps", the author Melody Beattie, begins by telling how she reacted to this step.  She didn't understand.  "Powerless over others?  My life - unmanageable?"  She thought she had complete control over herself and others and handled everything through her willpower.  It was her job.

Until she took a closer look at herself.  "I found the undercurrent of fear, anger, pain, loneliness, emptiness and unmet needs that had controlled me most of my life."

She quoted Mary who states, "Being a victim and being in control was how I was in power.  If I was powerless, then someone else was in control."

Hopefully through these steps we are going to learn how to own our power and be able to see the truth about ourselves and our relationships.

"We are powerless over others.  When we try to exert power where we have none, our lives at some level may become unmanageable."

She goes on to tell her story and gives examples of ways that others have been affected by codependency.  It doesn't have to be severe.  It doesn't have to be to the point of taking over your life to be ready for a change.  She tells stories of people who are codependent with siblings and intimate relationships.  Examples of where people let others control them, tried to control, and gave too much.

Our Lives Had Become Unmanageable

In discussing unmanageability Melody states that we do not necessarily have to be involved with or affected by someone's drinking or addiction to be codependent.  She simply states that for us, caretaking and controlling others doesn't work.  It makes our life unmanageable.  We often don't even see it.  It is an instinct, a first reaction for us with anyone and/or everyone we meet affecting any or all parts of our life.

"We may deprive ourselves so badly our martyrdom and self sacrifice create ongoing feelings of victimization.  We may allow others to victimize us; we may victimize ourselves.  We may subject ourselves unnecessarily to other people and their inappropriate, abusive, or out-of-control behaviors.  We may feel victimized by our inability to set the boundaries we need to set."

Codependency can be seen in so many different ways.  It may be our feelings that are affected - depression, fear, anger, sadness.  Or we may be so consumed by someone else that we ignore our feelings completely.  We may stay in abusive relationships or isolate to avoid further disappointment and pain.  It can happen at any time, even in recovery, when we try to control things we can't or let others control us.

"Unmanageability occurs when we stop owning our power and start believing that we do not have choices about how we want to act, regardless of what another person is or isn't doing." 

We neglect ourselves and now it is time to learn to take care of ourselves.

The Roots of Control

But where does the need to control come from?  Melody sites several cases that show many of us learn controlling behavior in childhood. She gives examples of children being put in the position of caretaker for their parents - controlling or taking care of out of control and/or irresponsible parents.  Sometimes is it more subtle, parents who are not emotionally available for their children nor let their children experience or express their own emotions.  Then those who have suffered these situations state how they realize after starting recovery their need to control was based on fear or anger.  It was the undercurrent of everything they did. 

Step 1 gives us permission to take care of ourselves.  To relax and stop controlling others.  If we are focused on controlling others, we are not controlling ourselves and leave ourselves open for others to do just that ... control us.

"When we love others too much, when we so desperately want and need what they have - whether that is acceptance, approval, love or friendship - we forfeit our ability to take care of ourselves with them, out of fear that we may not get what we need.  We may hope that if we hold things in place by willpower, we will finally be safe and get what we need.

We won't."

Accepting Powerlessness

Some are ready to accept this step when the enter the program, they are tired and ready to give up.  Others fight this step, not willing to let go of the control and surrender, overcome by fear.  She explains how it can be uncomfortable for her to give up control, admit she is powerless over much of her life, sometimes even herself.  When she tries to control herself, repressing her feelings, she looses a part of herself.

She explains how Step 1 is not about irresponsibility, in fact it is the opposite.  It is about claiming responsibility for ourselves and letting others be responsible for their own lives.  It is about facing our own fears, meeting our own needs, setting our own boundaries to protect ourselves.  It is about not being a victim.

"When we accept powerlessness, we will become empowered to take care of ourselves.  When we begin taking care of ourselves, we will begin living our lives, and all that is meant to come to us will be ours.  When we stop controlling others, we can allow and trust them to live their lives."

The Detachment Step

Step 1 lets us start learning to detach and become aware of our willpower.  We start to identify boundaries, limits, and what is our responsibility and what is not.  This step is often met with fear, becoming aware of those things we can not control, but we need to accept it and move forward.  We will surrender when we are ready, when we are tired of fighting battles we can not win.

"We are powerless over others, and our lives have become unmanageable.  And for now, that's all we need to be.  That's who we are, and it's good enough."

We start our recovery by taking this step and can return to it at any time, whenever we feel our codependent behaviors returning.  The steps starts with the word we and that helps us remember we are not alone.  We are not the only ones who feel this way and we can find the solution together.  She explains how her controlling behaviors, in all their different forms, is like a dark place and this step brings it out into the light. 


Activities

1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Whom do you feel victimized by? Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?

4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?

5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?

8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most Worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?

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Hi,
" But where does the need to control come from? Melody sites several cases that show many of us learn controlling behavior in childhood. She gives examples of children being put in the position of caretaker for their parents - controlling or taking care of out of control and/or irresponsible parents."
Dad was the drunk. Mom was crazy. The beat each other bloody. Little Wayne, the kid, tried to stop them from killing each other.
( If I can only stop them from hurting each other maybe I won't get hurt.... Please stop....... )
Later it was my turn, Mom couldn't stop beating once she started,( control the blows, when to cry, when not to cry. running made it worse. nowhere to hide. If I just stayed still the peace of unconsciousness would come quicker. No more pain.) Shut Down.
Later the lies at school and on the bus where all the swollen eyes came from, the black and blue face.
All is well. Till the next time. But boy. did I ever learn some survival skills.
At 16 years I stopped my Mom from beating me. I stopped my Dad from beating my Mom. No I did not kill them but they got the point.
A couple months later they got a divorce. He moved far away.
Me, I found a new best friend, A Savior, BOOZE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No more victim. Dope !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I can drink more booze.
Sorry to say I picked up where Mom and Dad left off.
Also I added my own new versions of abuse to the mix. Mine were way dark. Well disguised. If I could control, I could stop the hurt.
Little did I know what lay ahead.
Thank God, for A.A. Al- Anon. Synanon ( A therapeutic community). ACOA. NA.
I have learned about " The Illusion of Control".
The booze and dope left in 1979, The dealing with myself just as I was on this deep co-dependent level started in 1983.
Still dealing with some of it.
The journey has continued to set me FREE.
Mom and Dad did the best they could with what THEY had to use. Bless them. I am alive.
Safe Journeys,
Wayne




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What it was like:

When I was new in recovery I went to a movie called "Falling Down" about a man who just snaps on his way to work one day, he has a crime spree across the city where he helps people but acts out on every impulse, at the end of the movie, Robert Duvall, who is a Police Detective has a gun on him and says, "Drop the gun"

He looks confused and sad, and asks, "So I'm the bad guy?"

Robert Duval, who emphasizes with him at this point says in a very gentle voice, "Yes, yes you are"

"That's funny...I did everything they told me to"

I sat in the darkened movie theater with tears rolling down my face, I was in my first few years of sobriety and my life had come crashing down around my ears yet again, this actually led in time to more "research" to see if alcohol would help those feelings of helplessness and despair I felt (of course which they didn't) but that had been the story of my life, someone who did the best he could but through poor skills learned and an uncanny knack for doing these things in exactly the wrong time had his life come crashing down around his ears again and again, sometimes the causes seemed to come from within, sometimes from outside, but the end result was invariably the same, pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization, this seemed to occur whether I was drinking or not, whether I was working a strict program or not, I used to joke I was a buddhist because material things in life were transient and I liked to practice the Buddhist principals of detachment, that only by losing everything could I be set free, but I was dying a little more each time inside, each time I got knocked down it was a little harder to get back up, from my early years in my 20's and I was drinking and I bounced back like a superball, to each successive time getting up a little slower, until finally in my early/mid forties I placed my entire life's -power- in the hands of my mother and was knocked down so hard quite frankly I didn't know if I was going to be able to make it back up, I was trapped there for years, financially, emotionally, spiritually, in a geographically, emotionally, physically and spiritually isolated place, when people asked where I lived I told them 2 hours from anywhere, or 2 hours outside BF Egypt

My mother and I had been playing a little game since I was ten years old of "please come back to me" when my parents divorced and I went to live with my father instead of my mother, my mother spent the following years trying to get me back, she'd be on her knees clutching mine crying and begging me to live with her, the next morning if I woke her she'd be screaming at me telling me she understood why mothers put their children up for adoption, she provided a financially stable middle class home but toxic emotionally, my father provided an emotionally stable home, but not a financially stable one, it was on a third world level of poverty actually, although he made really good money, he preferred to keep his money for the truly important things in life....like....bars

So in my early forties the game began anew with my mother but I hadn't played in so long I didn't remember the rules, she called me from the hospital where my sister had driven her, and when my sister got there, she was admitted as well with a bursting appendix, so mom called me and said unless I came up and ran the restaurant for two weeks or so the restaurant would "go under" and she, her husband, my sister, and my niece would be without a means for making a living and they would all starve

Fair enough, but in the two weeks I lived there I observed a few things, my sister was an dry addict/alcoholic/junkie, and my mother enabled her, had been doing so for 30 years, so my mother supported her, including bringing her bottles of vodka and wine, so my sister sat on her ass and watched Oprah letting my mother support her, which my mother did by working 100 hours a week, I watched my mothers pencil thin wrists and ankles and she was dying, while she was killing my sister by supporting her, enabling her, and bringing her alcohol, these two people were literally murdering each other

What I didn't learn until later was that was how my mother was making an incredibly good living, by having 3 dependents she was having many family members sending her large sums of $$$ monthly, keeping that money secret from everyone, especially each other, and then declaring those 3 people as dependents on her taxes

After the two weeks was up my mother once again hit her knees and begged me to stay, crying, pencil thin arms around my knees, she was dying and although the "plan" had been to have my sister take over the family business, she was firmly entrenched on the hill, everything paid for, she had been cared for 20 years, she wasn't about to start working now.

My mother begged, pleaded, cried, cajoled...I had been sober for a good many years at this point, and my life was actually going pretty well, I had my own business, which, if not flourishing, made me a good deal more money then I could make working for anyone else (6 figures) I had a girlfriend, great friends, a pretty neat little house, and I told her "No, no no" but the "No's" kept getting weaker, finally she promised to sign over the 30 acres she lived on to be held in trust for her granddaughter for me to build a house on, and if I ran the restaurant until she retired and supported the family for those years (basically working for nearly free) she would sign the restaurant over to me, she knew she couldn't leave the restaurant to my sister, as she would stick it up her nose or in her arm, but she knew she could leave it to me and I would give it to my sisters daughter when she came of age

So I moved up there, sold my businessand equipment and started using that money to live on and started building a house, all my friends said "Get it in writing"  and I poo poo'd the idea, out of everything I knew about my mother, the one thing I was certain of was she wouldn't throw me under the bus, everyone warned me, even her own brother said "Welcome to the machine, your mother makes a living by preying on those around her to support your sister and your mother, she sucks people dry then tosses them aside, you are now part of the machine" I said I knew that, but would allowed myself to be sucked dry because at the end of 4 years was a payoff, that I would own my own home and my own restaurant outright, there wouldn't be much money, but I would be secure.

That's not how it panned out, I still remember when the beginning of the end happened, like the end began the day I moved up there, but after a year I had a week where there was no turning back, I ran out of my "nest egg" having spent it on building my wee lil casa and having to use it on expenses such as food, or gas, my girlfriend, who was living in MY HOUSE in Marin called me and told me we were done, that it was no longer my house but her house, that the door wasn't open for me to come back, and if she was going to be alone, she needed to move on emotionally, now this was understandable, but no less painful, a few days later my mother walked up to me, I'm now broke, not making any money, and don't have a "bolt hole" or back up plan, so my mother says "I've changed my mind, I've decided not to give you anything, I'm keeping it all for myself, I'm going to sell the restaurant and that house you built is going to your stepfather, it's his"

We had discussed repeatedly her going to the lawyer to draw up papers, she had swore up and down she would do so, the last thing I had said to her was this thing HAS to happen for me to give up my life, my friends, my business, and my girl, this HAS to be like a business transaction, she SWORE it was, this was written in stone.

She doubled my hours, cut my pay in half, and thus began three years of hell, it just got worse and worse, and I felt trapped, I was surrounded by 3 practicing alcoholics, a junkie, and Satan, I could tell they were lying because their lips were moving, I knew all of this going in but had convinced myself I could sit on my moral and spiritual hilltop and watch the comings and goings of the "sick people" as I wafted above them listening to harp music

By the time I left I was sicker then I had ever been in my life, I had started drinking, gotten a DUI which is nigh impossible in that backwater, I was spiritually, emotionally, and financially bankrupt, I called a friend and he came and got me with less then 48 hours notice, he let me store my stuff under his porch while I couch surfed...thus began my long climb back, this had been the most debilitating bottom in a life that knew a thing about debilitating bottoms, the first year out I was a MESS, my eyes spun in my head and I couldn't talk about anything but how my mother sister and a realtionship I had gotten in while I was there had harmed me

It's been a long slow climb out, and I definately am still trudging along, very PTSD like, depression, I get sleepy now, like incapacitated and overwhelmed by sleepyness whenever I encounter an emotional load I don't think I can handle...even to "I need to clean my house......zzzzzzzzzz" to "I need to find a new j...o.....b....zzzzzzzzzz

I immersed myself in reading about this thing, about learning what had happened and what to do about it, I got another sponsor and did the steps again, and in the  2, 2.5? years years since I left I have come a LONG way both with my insides and my outsides, when I did the steps it had a different focus, I immersed myself in Al-anon stuff but also codie recovery stuff, that was my focus, each day I try to take one more step closer to finding my path, I started fumbling with my sculpting again, I plug away, I have an adorable little 2 BR house that I love, it's totally funky, built in the 30's but it has a spare garage and workshop, I have the spare bedroom, and a front yard and a back yard I spend 100's of hours doing therapuetic gardening/flowers/lawn care/tree crae in, I love spring, and I am currently involved in a relationship with a woman I have been seeing off and on for awhile, she's working on herself, has her own program, and I have to say, regardless of the outcome, I have never seen a person grow as much as I have seen her grow and the growth together has been phenomenal, I mean this isn't Disney, and we have had our setbacks, we have also had our growth spurts, some days things go really bad, but I always remember, sometimes things go the other direction too, and for many years I stopped believing that, for many years I had stopped having hope, or even a desire to live, no joie de vivre, or Sine qua non: an indispensable and essential action, condition, or ingredient. It was originally a Latin legal term for "(a condition) without which it could not be" or "but for..." or "without which (there is) nothing.

I had lost my way, and I had lost my heart, and I had lost my power, I was not only powerless over others, I was powerless over myself, and my life was beyond unmanageable, it was hell, today it's not like that any more

 

Thank you for letting me share, and I doubt anyone will make it through the whole thing



-- Edited by LinBaba on Thursday 24th of March 2011 10:21:09 AM

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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful



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Made it through with no problem Mr. Lin.
Thank You.
Wayne

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Read through with no problem either. Thank you.

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I read it all too, LinBaba, thank you for your honest share... I admit I am powerless over others and my life is unmanageable.

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STEP ONE: Its amazing to me how insidious the dilution of this is.  Alcohol was so much easier to see. Even when I can see the actor trying to be the director, I still think and feel like I can do something to make the people in my life behave. And it always comes from good motives. Good motives driven by a deep seated fear of not enoughness and faulty survival tools. A companion I have had all my life. A feeling of being disposable. After all, my birth mom gave me away, I must be defective and disposable and I know everyone can see that in me, just by looking at me. My mom and dad who raised me did the best they could with what they had. Their motives came from a place of love, but had not a clue of what was healthy and honest emotionally and spiritually. There is no report of horrendous abuse, neglect, or rampant alcoholism. I always had everything I needed.  But as early as I can remember, was told I was givin up ( disposed of ). I was taught that the only emotion that a man showes is anger, and that woman were house servants. That a man works and provides and lets everyone knows that he pays the cost to be the boss. I was taught that I needed rescue woman, because I was emotionally insessed by my mother. I felt guilted into making my mother feel  better when dad was verbally and emotionally abusive and neglected her needs. She sought out the emotional support from me that she was starved for from her husband. I can see this little boy stepping and fetching having to pleasing dad and rescuing his mom  so that they wouldn't give him back. I'm sure there is a whole lot more but I just started looking at this stuff and its what I can see just now. The pattern for my life was set in motion, before I even went to kindergarten. I was taught to control by passive and aggressive means all so that I would not be disposed of, always knowing ( falsely ) that if you really knew me, you would see my defectiveness and leave too. This whole thing was brought to a head in the relationship I'm in now. Untreated alcoholism, along with two raging codependents has made life more unmanageable then drinking ever made my life. In my opinion, its more insidious. Alcohol is an inanimate object, its not going to change. It is what it is. But people, people do change and I think that has fed my illusion and dilution to try and control people to get them to change. I have found that the more I tried to control, the more I was being controlled. They actually owned my ass, and I did it, I let them own me even though " no one tells me what to do " (HA HA HA ). For me, I'm freed by knowing its not my " AGF " that made me like this. I can not blame living with an alcoholic for this insanity. I have always been this way, and this relationship is the place where it all came " to the jumping off place" , if I can use that phrase. It was instilled in me by parents who were wounded, by parents who were wounded, by parents who were wounded add infinitem.  Because of taking step one, I have started to see when some of my codieness showes up, and actually been able to detach from it and take actions to take care of Bill and not be a jerk.    Excited to keep trudging this road, thank you for letting me share. 



 



-- Edited by billyjack on Monday 28th of March 2011 08:06:01 AM

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I took the entire week to think and write about Step 1.

I have heard many say that they have done step 1 before they even start working the steps with their sponsor.  I found the same to be true.  I was on my knees spiritually, emotionally, and sometimes physically - just sobbing.  I surrendered.  I threw in the towel.  I gave up on everything and was willing to try anything to get better.  I have been through a lot in my life - but had never been so hurt, confused, sick, crazy, and beaten down.  So by the time I walked through his door - step 1 was complete.

I visit step 1 frequently when I feel that push back towards others - that urge to control - that urge to judge.  I visit step 1 when I feel overwhelmed by others, alone, small, and insignificant.  I simply say to myself "I am powerless" and it is like spraying water on the fire.  I am reminded that I am a solitary being, responsible only for myself, and powerless over others.  Which in turn means that others are powerless over me.  I have my own power and the only way I am going to lose that is if I give it away.

Thank you for letting me share.

Linistea



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"I found the undercurrent of fear, anger, pain, loneliness, emptiness and unmet needs that had controlled me most of my life."

I always felt like this,  but until recent years didn't know it was codependency, and I didn't know others felt the same way. I felt so different.

 

"We are powerless over others, and our lives have become unmanageable.  And for now, that's all we need to be.  That's who we are, and it's good enough."

 

I find this statement very comforting.  And simple.

 

Thank you Linistea,

 

Newlight



-- Edited by Newlight on Monday 28th of March 2011 09:35:40 PM

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I liked this and grabbed it from another MIP forum:

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Step One

There are many different versions of the First Step for recovering codependents. Some of us admit powerlessness over alcohol or another's alcoholism. Some of us admit powerlessness over people; some over the impact of growing up in an alcoholic family.

One of the most significant words in the First Step is the word we. We come together because of a common problem, and, in the coming together, we find a common solution.

Through the fellowship of Twelve Step programs, many of us discover that although we may have felt alone in our pain, others have experienced a similar suffering. And now many are joining hands in a similar recovery.

We. A significant part of recovery. A shared experience. A shared strength, stronger for the sharing. A shared hope - for better lives and relationships.

Today, I will be grateful for the many people across the world who call themselves "recovering codependents." Help me know that each time one of us takes a step forward, we pull the entire group forward.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

 



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I was so consumed with thoughts of my AH, wondering what he was thinking and feeling, that I totally lost touch with myself and MY thoughts and feelings. When my AH finally went to treatment and I was asked for the first time how I felt....I realized I was emotionally and spiritually dead...I was a walking dead person. I couldn't do this simplest of things...I couldn't even identify how I felt. I was so used to keeping track of and reporting on my AH. I always knew how he was feeling and what he was thinking -- what his next plan to get "clean" was, but I didn't know how I was feeling. So this will get better, right?! I mean, he's clean now. Fast forward a year and a half and my feelings, mental energy, intellect, my MIND...all still in an unmanageable state. I neglected my career, health, relationships, but most importantly my mind and soul!! and things did not just magically get better when my husband did.

I have learned a lot of things so far about my disease and I am trying really hard to work on those things. I trust him. I am learning to identify when I am trying to control a situation in which I really have no control. This is an energy controlled by fear for sure. New revelation in reading this: I have a deep-rooted fear of abandonment. My mother left when I was little. I have now learned to tell myself that I can't be abandoned. I am an adult! I can be left, but NOT abandoned.

I agree that these are very simple but powerful and comforting words to remember...."We are powerless over others, and our lives have become unmanageable. And for now, that's all we need to be. That's who we are, and it's good enough."

Wow, Step 1 very good for me....gonna read it a few more times....



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I accept that I am completely powerless over other people and that my life has become unmanageable.

I accept that my life is unmanageable and that I need the focus to be on me, my choices, my feelings, my relationship with myself.

I completed my 7th step in al-anon on monday with my sponsor, and somehow it has freed me up to be able to really accept that I am powerless over my co-cependency. The urge to obsess over my partner isn't any where near as intense as it was and I'm sitting looking at myself and my own way of being and the results I'm living with and it doesn't feel good. I have a long way to go, and the first step in that is completely accepting my powerlessness over other people and the unmanageability of my life. I can see really clearly how I developed ways of surviving that are just not serving me well in my life today. I can see my choices and how I've responded to people in my life in a way that has damaged me and hurt them. I can see the control patterns and the fear, and the panic at not knowing how to get my needs me, and not even realising that I needed to meet them for myself first before looking to other people. I can see how grasping and needy I have been, and how dishonest I have been with myself and other people. I'm seeing how it has been about a game plan, and being defensive, and how none of it has been about loving the other person. Expectations, setting the other person up to fall short, not believing that anything is good enough. A great big steaming pile of complicated second-guessing. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Today, right now, I'm letting it all go. I am powerless over other people and it's all become totally unmanageable.

Freya

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I thought i hd step one I knew I could not stop my alcoholic from drinking now i realsie that when he got sober i just started trying to conrol how he lived his life , choices he made.  My ABF is working a good programme today and has asked for a break from me I am in a very uncorfortable place but I know it is where i need to be.  I need to get my eyes off him and on me.  I can not control or rush his recovery and it is fear based I have waited for him to get sober for us to develop the Life we hav talked about. But my cody behaviours have no patience and the ontrolling stated again.  as per usual all my defects have doen is push someone I love away.  Thankfully he is in recovery and uderstand I am sick to he says he loves me but we nee to love ourselves first.  I just feel like its the start of my real recovery I truley a powerless and need to sort my own life out.



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It had become apparent (and still does more frequently than I'd like to admit) that my efforts to control everything were not working, I had control of nothing.  This endeavor was making me and everyone in my life miserable and I had lost control of myself.  I am truly powerless over everything but my own actions and what is happening in my head.  What is going on in my mind still seems out of my grasp at times, but I don't have to chose to believe it and have resources in recovery to go and verify if I am basing my little mental stories on reality or not.



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Oh, I made it through, too, and some of what you wrote really hit home and opened my eyes a little more. It is hard to believe what family can do to us because we let them. For me, it is the awful fear of being alone & entirely responsible for my self in every way. I'm very hypervigilent but afraid I'm not smart enough to keep my own self even alive. I think I'm at the point of "zzzzzzz" like you were. Every time of see something that needs doing, I get overwhelmed with sleepiness and just go to bed. In the meantime, my life is getting more out of control but I don't know how to start the road back. 

Thanks for sharing your experiences,

Leandra



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It is that concept of total powerlessness over just about everything and everyone that scares me to death. If I can't control then I have to worry about what's going to happen to me next. I especially have a deep fear of dying and that is one thing no one has control over, right? So giving up control over everything means that I have to take my chances on living from one second to the next without my hypervigilence and control. Like the saying goes...eat right, exerise and die anyway. The fact that we don't know where we go when we die and have no way of knowing nor can we really trust religion hits hard at my need for control!! I can control my actions but what about the guy with the gun or the crazy driver? OMG, maybe that is the root of my agoraphobia...if I don't go out then I can't get hurt, etc. I try not to think about the fact that things can happen in my home, too. That really throws me over the edge!

Leandra



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I read through your story too, Mr. LinBaba..thank you for sharing!

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LinBaba - I read every word too. Thank you for your courageous and honest share.

Leandra - I too am very fear based and have a lot of fears around dying and becomming seriously ill. I also have a lot of fears around something happening to my children. One thing that I found helpful was to do an AA Big Book Inventory around fear - doing the inventory in the column format the way they are laid out in the Big Book - What am I afraid of; What is the Cause; What parts of my life does it Affect was tremendously helpful to me.



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DeeDee, that is a very good suggestion. I had the Big Book many years ago but I guess I wasn't ready for it or the codep. issues. I don't drink so I put the book in a box somewhere. 

It seems I need to start doing a lot of writing  to see if I can get to the bottom of things before I can move forward. 

Thanks for the suggestion! I've done those steps in my mind but maybe writing things down will bring out something I have blinded myself to. 

Thank you!



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The Big Book is invaluable and can be found readily on the Internet.

Here is one 4th step inventory worksheet:

http://www.stepsfoundation.com/Assets/Documents/4thStepForm.pdf

 

If you google AA 4th step you will find a LOT of supporting information and the pages from the Big Book as well.  My AA sponsor had me add on the 7 sins as well.  Whew, no hiding from that!



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Thanks, Willing! I will check it out. Since I don't drink, I've never bothered to do much with the AA stuff other than scan through the Big Book years ago but apparently it helps out here, too. 



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Question for you all: how essential is it to write my answers to these steps. I am not good in keeping journals. I've been working on Steps 1-3 for about three months now. i spent some quiet time and answer the questions reflectively in my mind. I'm not good in writing things down.

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Willing - Thank you so much for the BB Step 4 Inventory worksheets. They're really great.

James - For me, writing became key when I got to Step 4. I didn't write at all for Steps one and two and only a little for Step 3. For me, it would be really tough not to write out Step 4.



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If I was doing this process for the first time and I didn't have a sponsor, I would follow all of the Activities.

With a sponsor I just used this as a supplement as I was going through the steps and doing what I was asked to do by them.

I hope that helps!

You are welcome DeeDee.



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1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?


My initial reaction to this question was (of course) Nope- no one. But I know how easy it is sometimes to fool oneself, so I simply let these questions roll around in my brain for a couple of days and yesterday, I got my answers. I was getting ready for the day, stressing because my bf hadn’t called me yet, wishing my friend would do what he had promised, getting angry because my mom (who was suppose to pick me up and go out shopping with me) wasn’t answering her phone and I thought “Damn! I just want to have a good day!” Then I wondered, ‘so what’s a good day?’ and I answered myself ; A good day is a day wherein everyone does what I want them to do, so I can feel okay” LOL!!!! Thank God I still have my sense of humor because this very true, sincere answer in comparison to my first response makes me laugh. Seriously. It also shows me that I am on the right path to change the patterns that have debilitated me to some capacity all my life!
*Have I been trying to control someone?!? My boyfriend who I am with simply because I haven’t had the strength to break it off yet- my mother (who is codependent herself) and my daughter. It’s difficult to admit this one - my first response being, “but I’m her MOTHER!” LOL  But I remind myself, a good parent doesn’t control a 15 year old young woman, a good parent teaches her how to make smart choices and to learn from her own mistakes within certain boundaries. I tried it out last night when she came home from drumline practice exhausted and talking about quitting band right before a parade next weekend. I opened my mouth and I closed my mouth! *big grin* I did ask a few questions to at least influence her think it through before she made a decision. I asked if there was someone to replace her and had she discussed her concerns with the band director. Normally, I’d have flipped out, and tried to talk and persuade, and we would have ended up arguing, I think, so . . . I believe I am making progress here (very small steps) I know that for the first time in a long time, I woke up without feeling the weight of pain in my chest that I usually feel as soon as my eyes open and brain turns on!

Not sure if anyone even posts here any more - hoping to get some guidance with the step work if possible. For right now I am taking step one very slowly . . . . . Letting the whole concept of being powerless over others sit in my head; observing the way I attempt to control and trying new ways of behaving!



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Hello and welcome!  We are glad you are here.

Yes, we are still here posting regularly and would LOVE to discuss your experience with the steps.  That sounds like a BIG ah-ha moment!  I am so glad you are already experiencing relief.  When we become completely willing and open to the possibilities, it brings hope back into our lives and that is a beautiful thing.

Recovery also helped me change the way I was parenting my daughter when she was 15.  It made a HUGE difference.  I love the concept of sharing my experience.  My conversations changed from "You should..." to "When I did that, here's what happened."  It may even have been "I have no experience with that, but if I was faced with it here is what I might to."  It was like night and day.  She went from shutting me out, not listening, and acting like I was stupid to fully listening and most of the time taking the course of action that I shared.  It was amazing and just in time. 

I have not identified where I tried to control people yet, that reality may still be lurking somewhere.  My big thing was when they crossed my boundaries or didn't meet their responsibilities.  Then I would become unhappy.  I do know I relied on what others thought of me for happiness.  That was painful and the relief of learning not to do that has been palpable in my life.

Please keep coming back.  We would love to hear about your journey through the steps, it helps us all grow.

Willing



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2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress?
My boyfriend - my daughter - my sisters
Whom do you feel victimized by? boyfriend,  sisters
 Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life?
As I am in the process of letting go, I believe I am gaining control over myself. Ever time I decide that I am going to have a good day regardless of what anyone else does or doesn’t do- I am in control of me!

What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?
*I have to call my daughter’s father and let him know that I will not be able to bring our daughter to Maryland this summer for her visit because . . . . (because of the 2nd situation I have denied and avoided) because *my BF who was going to drive us both down there cheated on me with a man even after I accepted his bisexual behavior (after catching him in several boldfaced lies when he cheated on me the first time) Even after I let him talk me into a threesome with him and one of his guy friends. I think I should have been an actress for the performance I put on that night. Problem is now he thinks I truly like that kind of  . . . sexual activity. Truth is I do not. Truth is, I want a heterosexual monogamous relationship,  just as he said he wanted when we ever entered into a committed relationship!!! And I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who lies to me and betrays me like that. I stayed after the first fiasco because . . . because I thought if I could be a better girlfriend, he wouldn’t need the “casual encounters” he was engaging in.

Needless to say, it didn’t work. At one point, I came very close to moving in with him at one point thinking (ignorantly) ‘if I’m living there he won’t be able to do this ****!’  A move like that would have broken my lease and screwed my own credit, leaving me at the mercy of a man I’d only known for two months. He asked me to move in right after I found out about the first time he cheated on me and I was so torn between my need to control him (ie move in) and this bad bad feeling in my gut, that I literally made myself physically ill for days. I ended up using my lease as an excuse, and  I’ve been holding in my knowledge of his last ‘fling’ for two weeks now. He doesn’t even know I know. I’m not sure how much of my avoidance is due to fear of the pain I’m so sure will hit me when I break up with him or based on my need for what he can do for me ( or what I think he can do for me?)

*Why I’m afraid to call my daughter’s father re: her trip this summer, I do not know, except that I’m afraid of how he will react. I’ve also avoided getting court ordered child support even though there are many times when he is late or behind in his payments. I don’t want him to be mad at me???

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? that my current relationship is a total façade and I need to end it  And honestly  . . . as I have thought of what to say *I’m not very good at breaking up with people* I caught myself thinking of asking him what is it about me that you don’t like? Kinda like ‘lets share what killed it for you time‘ (???) I realize this is the part of me that still wants to know so I can change it so he will change HIS behavior! Needless to say, I fully plan on resisting the temptation to ask “what’s so wrong with me that you have to be have sex with a stranger instead of being faithful?!?” “Why am I not worthy of your honesty?” Those are the stupid questions that run through my head. HE cheats on ME, and there I sit; contemplating what is wrong with ME . . . . Hmmm- what’s wrong with THAT picture?

What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?
I would expect a certain measure of peace would come from this? Maybe the reason I woke up this morning without this weight of pain in my chest as I usually do? (maybe because I recently let go of someone who I was becoming obsessed with) I suppose too, that I would lose someone to blame my mistakes on- it would mean taking responsibility for my own ****


4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability?
Well I missed a day of work because I was so stressed over the fact that my control was failing and getting out of control  *I have also started drinking to ease the stress

What is your current condition in these areas:
emotions- feeling shaky still, but hopeful and still hurt over things that have happened in my life recently (boyfriend - sisters)
finances- Okay - I just keep to my budget! 
physical health- okay
career- I love my job, but want to go back to college - havent because I’m afraid 


What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?
I play piano, I like to write and draw- have started working more on my art recently- it relaxes me

5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people:
Family- my sisters won’t even speak to me because I stopped going to church and because I stayed with this guy even after what he did
Friends - honestly I don’t even have any friends in real life. I have online people I chat with in different groups in the internet, but no friends really
 co-workers - I get along with all my coworkers except for one. Every since I refuse to ring up her purchase against company policy she won’t speak to me
 Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated? I do feel isolated sometimes because I have no car, and no friends and the only people I see outside of work is my bf or my parents.

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? yes
Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? I blame him for hurting me - for cheating on me. I realize I can’t control him, but does this mean I excuse his behavior?? I don’t think so- Is it not human nature to be hurt is someone betrays you?
Re: my sister - I am getting kinda tired of always trying to be good enough to be a part of their little circle. I am angry inside still . . . .

Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships? HE cheated and my sisters cut off all communication. I hold them responsible 

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? putting up with a cheating boyfriend!!!!!!!
 What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? break up with him -accept that he is bisexual and I can’t fulfill his needs. Accept my sisters’ choice not to be a part of my life and forgive them
 In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? I have no choice where family is concerned - they won’t even speak to me
 Who or what is trapping you? Fear. I’m always afraid
Whom do you most want to say something to? My sister
Why do you feel you can't say it? Even if she did talk to me I wouldn’t know what to say I would just swallow the anger so she wouldn’t get mad at me again!

8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? I was spending so much time obsessing over my BF that I actually made myself sick - I missed a day of work!



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8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? I was spending so much time obsessing over my BF that I actually made myself sick - I missed a day of work!

Who or what are you most Worried about? My daugther - my ability to give her the things she needs and everything she deserves!

When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself?  I can’t remember
Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? BF
Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy? Yep

 

OKay - I can see I have allot of work to do - but it feels like i'm letting go a little bit at a time. I just keep breathing- every time the thought of something I don’t want to - but must- accept goes through my mind, I let it do just that; go through my mind and I just take a deep breath and let it go. I don’t try to figure out every detail of where, when or how I will take care of it.( that in itself is a small miracle! LOL) For now it’s enough just to be able to think of it and keep breathing. Accept it without flipping out.

I thank you for your welcome Willing! And do look forward to any guidance I may need here

 



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Thank you SO much for your share.  I idenitified with a lot, especially the cheating boyfriend.  It is enough to send someone over the edge.

Keep going.  Be gentle with yourself.  Take time to breathe.

We are so glad you are here.

Just so you know you are not alone in answering these questions.  I was the original poster (Linistea - which means serenity btw) but I also answer them here:

http://coda.activeboard.com/t52493555/step-one/.

Willing (Linistea)



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Wow, this is a great introductory post for me.


Activities

1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?

 

Absolutely - I have spent my entire life on an endless quest for power or influence where I have none and ironically, ignoring the areas where I have TOTAL power and influence - namely, on myself!!  Most recently I have succeeded in dominating and controlling my partner, who I love with all of my heart. However this "success" has been an abject failure.  My partner is miserable and I am horrified by my behavior, because this is not who I am when I am not controlled by my active addiction of codependency.

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Whom do you feel victimized by? Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?

I have used codependency to avoid facing my unhappiness with my life, including my romantic relationship, my job and my financial situation. My partner is making me feel crazy and causing me stress, but the biggest source of my stress is the deep hole inside of me that can never be filled. 



3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?

I would have to face my own unhappiness and the terrifying possibility of what could happen if I "had the courage to change the things that I can." I love my partner very much, we have been together for ten years, and I do not want to lose that. At the same time I know that I am not happy.

4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?

Emotions: becoming more manageable with the help of CoDA and support networks

Finances: Total disaster

Spirituality: Getting better

Physical Health: Could be better

Career: Good on the outside, not so good on the inside

My fun, pleasure and enjoyment is time spent with my partner. I don't know if this is codependency or not, but she is still my favorite person to be with. I love spending time with her. I work long hours and have very little time for fun, pleasure or enjoyment. I do not enjoy my job.


5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?

Family: I have neglected my family, specifically grade school age nephew and niece, to focus nearly all of my energy on my partner. I am close to my mother but the relationship is not particualrly healthy. 

Friends: I have one friend. I speak to him almost daily. I attend CoDA meetings twice per week but do not really know anyone there yet. I have co workers I interact with but I do not know them well. 

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?

My mind feels foggy and confused. I do hold myself responsible for my emotions, finances and health. I am responsible for my lack of friendships and damaged connections to family.


7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?

I am resentful of pretty much everything in my life. I feel completely trapped and have no idea of how to get out of my prison. I am trapped by my relationship and the circumstances surrounding it. I don't really know how I feel about most things. I have been trying to hold my life together for the past few years and it is all starting to unravel. I am afraid that if I get in touch with my truth and speak it then my life will be forever changed, specifically that I will lose my relationship with my partner.


8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most Worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?

I went to a few CoDA meetings over 20 years ago but at the time I blamed my previous partners for the dysfunction in those relationships. It was only when my current partner began to go through a crisis and started pulling away from me that I sought out CoDA once again. This time I am really committing myself to it because I know that it is me, and I know that my life is at stake. Basically, my codependency has been raging and raging and raging for pretty much the entire relationship, but it has really been acute since 2009. This year a series of events has occurred both within and without of the relationship that caused me to wake up enough to realize the situation cannot continue as is, and that I needed help. I am most worried about my partner and my relationship. I am sad that the word 'myself' doesn't enter into my thinking as of yet. My partner and my behavior are causing me misery. I do feel that if my partner behaved differently I would be happier. However, I can also see that during the years my partner behaved "differently" in the way I want her to do now, that I was still codependent and still not truly happy.

 

I am happy to be here....NIX


 



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Freya wrote:

I can see how grasping and needy I have been, and how dishonest I have been with myself and other people. I'm seeing how it has been about a game plan, and being defensive, and how none of it has been about loving the other person. Expectations, setting the other person up to fall short, not believing that anything is good enough. A great big steaming pile of complicated second-guessing. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Today, right now, I'm letting it all go. I am powerless over other people and it's all become totally unmanageable.

 

I really, really needed to hear this today.  Thank you for being here. I hope that we can help each other through this painful but necessary journey to healing.

 

Nix

 



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and how none of it has been about loving the other person

Funny, I just stumbled across this realization a couple days ago - as I was working through step one and accepting my own horrid behaviour, I though 'My God, have I ever really loved anyone?!?' Other than my children, I'd have to say no. I was in love with them loving me - I was "in need"  In short, I was using them. :( Not a nice thing to have to admit about oneself

It's nice to see another poster here working through the steps- lots to be found on the other threads as well!



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I just started coda two months ago... I really got a lot from what you shared linbaba. Thank you for your honesty in sharing. Your story has some similarities to mine. Especially the playing "please come back to me" which I played with three different men in my life. The last one, I just couldn't stay anymore... realising life had become unmanageable. I was living life like a zombie with no feeling and didn't know what I was feeling anymore. I got out 3 years ago. And recently he's found me... He is my crack. He's like a con man really and I always believe what he says. Now I'm trying to discern if its really love or just that I'm trying to save him again, which is my hook. He was using me and everyone around us until we had nothing left. He says he's changed and not angry and what not anymore, but I don't know... Before he reappeared, I was seriously wanting to let him go... not fantasizing that it could have been different or wanting and longing for him again... and bang, 2 months into coda meetings and al anon meetings, there he is.

Before coda I called myself a serial monogamist, and I was proud of it... now I see that it was me being loyal to something that had become unmanageable and that I was doing my best to control by being ultra moralistic and loyal, amongst other behaviours. I feel I lost myself completely and I'm doing my best to recover the real me again and omg its tough!

Now I am going through the ptsd thing.... zzzzzzzz... for 3 years! Trying to find a job, trying to rebuild my life... zzzzzz so tired all the time. I'm trying to find the energy to move on... zzzzzz Truthfully, I don't want to work but I must pay my rent.

Through all of this, the things that are my light at the end of this darkness are coda meetings, forums like this and redeveloping my spirituality, which I had given up for him. Always hiding my true self so that he could shine... being in the shadow and being a shadow of myself.

Thanks again for sharing.

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Activities

1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?

I've been trying to get my siblings to work with me in taking care of the family responsibilities. I haven't done a good job. I've been at times angry, sarcastic and less than thoughtful with my words.

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Whom do you feel victimized by? Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?

Mostly my siblings. One in particular is a bully who lies and manipulates. I think I've been denying that they are playing games in order to believe that they care about me.


3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?

The fear that I'm unlovable and have been abandoned again.

4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?

Emotions - tremendous guilt/shame? What is fun? I can't seem to bring myself to have any, even of the things I used to do for fun, unless it's for someone else.

5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?

One family member and one friend. Other family members have gone silent except for a sister-in-law who said she would do something for me a month and a half ago and then went silent.

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?

Mind is muddled, too many thoughts about the past mostly. Siblings for the state of the relationships and the games that evoke emotions. The rest is mine.

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?

I resent having to do tasks by myself that others should have helped with. I resent being told to do things, not asked. I resent when I'm doing family tasks and the family goes away to have fun leaving the work to me. I resent that they only acknowledge my work if I say something. I resent a whole lot about these people actually.

8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most Worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?

Being treated like a slave (told to do tasks) while others went off to play - a long term pattern in the family that has been refined and has escalated in intensity. It's really a lot of little things that have added up over the years. I did something for myself today but I had to force it(exercise). Yes, a sibling. Yes.


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I thought I'd try the activities:
1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?
My life is falling apart. I haven't been able to pay my rent for 12 weeks and any attempt to try to "fix" or "repair" the situation or "exert power or influence" over it just ends with utter frustration and pain. I've had to admit that I have no control over my life and it has become completely unmanageable. I've had to let go, so hard for me! I've had to hand over control (faith here) to my higher power.

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Whom do you feel victimized by? Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?
see above... not being able to control or manage my own life and realising that I've controlled my life into a knot of problems and insanity.

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?
I would have to face that I need to stand on my own feet, to look after myself first. That I'm not the puppet master of people and things in my life.

4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?
Um, all of it, at the moment... going through a huge transition. Emotions: on edge, manic, nervous, worried; Finances: none, omg, none! Spirituality: seems on course, happy here, so weird... happy and wondering if its just a replacement for the relationship addiction; physical health: excellent, feel great but really exhausted from all the attempts at fixing and controlling; Career: none, omg, none! I was told recently that I was unemployable! Arghhh! HOw could that be? I've done so much!
5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?
I feel alone and isolated. I've "managed" friends and people right out of my life. It feels better to be alone than for people to know how damaged I really am.

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?
Totally unclear. I hold myself responsible for it all... and that's oh so painful!

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?
I have to find work and make money... I just want to curl up and well, garden, retire, preferably in a hot country. I have debts and bills to pay, rent due and I must I have no choice, it seems. I feel stuck. I feel that I'm trapping myself but not sure how. I can't talk to some of my (ex) friends, they don't (or didn't) want to hear it. I can't seem to start talking in my coda meetings. I get a lot from listening but I just can't seem to share in coda. I feel safe here on the internet but to share to room of people, I clam up and get super "shy".

8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most Worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?
I went on a pilgrimage. I met four people in recovery and hearing them talk made me realise that I have a problem. Before that I had been struggling to extricate myself from a toxic addictive relationship. I managed to get away physically but emotionally I was still bound. I was praying and begging god for a way to help me move on and let go. Well, I got my answer. I feel good going to coda and glad that I found this website.

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I am new to coda and new to online forums. I am tired of living the way I am living. I keep getting into relationships where I enable the other person. Each time I get out of these relationships, I think to myself that I will be careful and make a better choice the next time only to find myself in a similar situation. I was molested when I was a child and my family got angry with me for reporting the abuser. I am a daughter of a compulsive gambler. I married and divorced a "Christian" man who never told me he loved me but was very protective of me and seemed trustworthy. He turned out to be a cheater and drug addict. Then I really thought I was careful not to get into these toxic relationships. I mean as soon as a man would show signs that he wanted to live off me, I would get out of the relationship. Recently I just got out of a 4 year relationship with a man who was smart, faithful, always told me he loved me, that I am beautiful BUT he had issues of his own. He didn't work. He told lies to people to get attention. Sometimes he told lies about me to his friends for self pity. He would tell people he was not in a relationship with me. He didn't want to hold my hand in front of his friends. But at home, he always told me he loved me. Eventually my self esteem and self worth just got lower and lower. I believed he was ashamed of me by how he treated me in front of his friends. After I confronted him with these issues, he admitted it was wrong, apologized and attempted to make changes. I had great times with him, but I kept obsessing about how he humiliated me in the past. I would not get over it. He also suffered from severe pain. I became his mother and nurse. He just lived off me and debilitated himself more and more while I worked. I would communicate to him how bad I felt that he didn't contribute. He would make small changes here and there, but it was not enough or it was just temporary. I kept trying to kick him out and he would always find a way to stay. I was crying all the time, wondering why I everything I did was never good enough for him. He was crying all the time. The fights got worse and worse. He finally moved out after I got physically violent 3 times. I was physically violent toward him and I was hurting myself. I never thought I could become violent toward him, but I did during the last few months of the relationship. A part of me still wants to be with him because he still says he loves me. He also recognizes how unhealthy our relationship is. But I know it will not work out because we are both codependent. I am now mid 30s and I want to stop this cycle.

I can't do anything about him. But I am worn out and it is time I do something about me. I have found an unhealthy comfort in these relationships. I enable or try to please others because I want to be loved.

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bump



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I am considered a newbie because I have seldom posted on this site.  But, believe me I'm not.  I turn 62 this summer and I've been working on understanding myself and finding a way to LIVE for a very long time.

Tonight I had to do step 1, again.  This is the result:

 

June 13th, 2014

 

Back to step 1:

·   Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Whom do you feel victimized by? Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?

My sister is making me crazy and causing me stress.  I feel victimiz3ed by her.  I have let her have control over my emotions!!  Dang, just like I did with Darren over practically the same thing just a week or so ago!!

 

I’ve been denying that my sister will ever understand AND NEVER HAVE ANY RESPECT FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!

 

·   What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you? 

They wouldn’t be able to make me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

·   What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?

My sister- tonight and often.  My ex boyfriend a week or so ago.  I feel alone and isolated.  I am right now.  But I do have friends, people who don’t hate me.  (I must keep reminding myself of that!  )

 

·   Does your mind feel clear and consistent?

No.  I feel better for awhile, then the pain returns, the emptiness.  I can’t seem to keep that feeling that I’m ok- the old inner critic returns to tell me how worthless I am.  My mother, my sister, Darren- they say things to set the inner critic in motion with all the hateful criticisms that I know are not true!  I am not looking for attention.  I am truly saying how I feel and they don’t like that.  They are wrong about me!!!!!

 

·   Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health?

I hold my sister responsible for my emotions and for worsening of my health.  I do feel I’d let go of my mother’s control over me….. but not my sister’s.  I guess I just thought she was capable of understanding.  Obviously not!!!!!!!!!!!

 

·    Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?

My mother has made me unlovable.  That is a simple fact!!!!

 

·   What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about?

I am miserable and I hate myself!!  I resent my sister trying to control my life, I resent that she judges me as inferior and less than her. 

 

·   What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you?

I have been feeling like I HAVE to kill myself.  I feel I have no choice because my sister will make my life hell for the rest of my life, no matter what I do to try and feel like I’m OK.  I feel she is trapping me!!!!!!!!!!  (in my mind, I know better, but it is how I FEEL)   

 

·   Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?

That is the problem.  I tried to speak the truth to my sister.  I should know by now that she will NEVER understand and will NEVER be supportive or respect me!!!!! 

·   Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?

 

If my sister could understand, if she could love me or care about me- treated me with some  RESPECT- yes, it would go a long way towards giving me peace and a degree of happiness.  cry

It really did help.  I recognized that I really do want some respect from my sister.  It will never happen and I have to accept that.  Our story is on YouTube at:   It goes a little fast because I had a ten min. time limit.  I now have 15 min. and will go back and slow it down, soon.



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Bump.  Working Step 1 with someone and wanted to push this to the top.



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Thanks for bumping this up, willing, and thank you for everyone that has shared their stories and experiences on this topic.  I myself have been attending AlAnon & CoDA for about 3 weeks now, and am really looking into Step One...making sure I understand it.  When I was going to Al Anon meetings for the first time in 2009, I would tell you that I knew everything there was to know about Step One.  As I'm looking at it again this month, though, I realize that I was wrong and I still have a lot to learn.  It's more than just realizing that you are powerless over the alcoholic/addict/dependent.

A quote from the original poster really spoke to me.  It reads:
... Step 1 is not about irresponsibility, in fact it is the opposite.  It is about claiming responsibility for ourselves and letting others be responsible for their own lives.  It is about facing our own fears, meeting our own needs, setting our own boundaries to protect ourselves.  It is about not being a victim.

I played the victim role so many times.  I thought my situation was different, that I was some sort of martyr to my qualifier(s):  taking the heat when I shouldn't have; doing favors for them I shouldn't have.  But I have a responsibility in those choices I made.  I have the responsibility to not make myself a victim, and instead carry on and learn from the mistakes I've made.

I figure I should try to work on these activities on my next post (because thinking about posting this has made me zzzz, lol, and it is getting late here).  I've been looking for stuff like that because it does help me to write things down. I used to journal a lot as a kid and teenager, and have been slowly getting myself back into journaling since coming back into the program and realizing that my life had indeed become unmanageable. Again, thanks for everyone's posts.



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As promised, here is my go at the Activities.  Sorry about the cursing near the end of the questionnaire.

1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?


I really want to stay friends with my ex-boyfriend.  I want him to realize *why* I want to break it off.  I want him to understand how I'm codependent and why it would be a bad idea for me to get back in a relationship with him.  I want to convince him of this, when the reality is that he may never realize why, or just might be in denial of the whole situation.  I've been putting myself at risk of hurting myself mentally just to get this whole thing resolved.

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Whom do you feel victimized by? Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?

*I* have been driving myself crazy and causing my own stress, but my ex-boyfriend and his family haven't been very supportive of what I need right now.  My mom somewhat stresses me because she can get overwhelming, always giving me her two cents on everything.  When I'm in my ex-boyfriend's presence, I feel too vulnerable to do the right thing.  I think he is somewhat manipulative, but it's subtle and not extreme (he does not verbally abuse me, just tries to convince me that he's right).   Numerous people I've talked to say that it's impossible to stay friends with him, that I should just leave with no words and never go back, for my own sanity.  I am being completely honest when I say that I don't believe that's true.  I don't want to be immature and not face my problems head-on, even if it leaves me a bit vulnerable.  Maybe I'm naive in this respect...

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?

I would have to face the fact that things can't go back to the way they were, that I have to change a lot of things in my life to get where I need to be.  If I decided to leave my ex behind for good and not contact him or his family, I wouldn't have to worry about him contacting me, sure, but at the same time there would be that lingering resentment they may have of me on my harsh decision.  I also would have some guilt--these are not bad people, just people that are unhealthy for my mental stability right now.

4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?

My mental health sucks, my support group is slowly growing, but still sucky because I tend to be introverted and not open with people firsthand.  Financially I'm doing okay, but I am worried about loans I have.  My new job is going well so far, having a month or so in, but all this that I'm going through is taking its toll on my work and camaraderie with others in the workplace and I'm upset about that, because I'm doing my best and I really do like this job.  Physical health could be better--I'm taking the medicine I need to, but I need to workout more, or at least walk more.  My enjoyment thus far has been drawing and going to meetings, basically.  I don't have a lot of friends around here so I'm just doing my own thing.

5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?

Family:  Good, surprisingly
Friends:  Almost nonexistant.  Trying to get BFFs with meetings?  I'm a bit young, so it's hard
Co-workers:  Struggling here bc my stress at home is coming into work, so I'm isolating.  Sucky
Ex-boyfriend:  Damn complicated

I feel alone and isolated, but I do know help's out there.  People that I barely talk to have reached out for support.  I just have to go out and grab it I guess.

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?

Sometimes.  With my ex, I'm somewhat confused.  With certain topics being brought up by my mom, I get confused.  When I'm by myself, ironically, my mind feels pretty clear.  Or after I go to a meeting, my mind feels much clearer.  I'm still working on consistency.  The next two questions are obviously about accountability, which falls on me.  But sometimes I get too perfectionist and try to do it all on my own...relationships are a two way street.

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?

I think I already mentioned these things, but I guess I just feel angry at myself.  To my ex's family, I left because my mom influenced me to leave.  While my mom did help me move out of my home with my ex and into some place new, I made my choice myself, not her.  I feel like I didn't either communicate that well or something or maybe I am just appear to be (sorry to be blunt cursing) chicken**** to them.  Hell my own ex doesn't understand why it's good, and I feel like I'm going in circles with him and ****.  I feel insecure, not confident, not strong enough to handle this.  Meanwhile my ex keeps saying I'm strong and considerate or whatever. WTF?

8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most Worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?

When my ex boyfriend got arrested for possession of child pornography, and I had absolutely no ****ing idea, I realized not only did he hide something from me, but that I was an idiot for being so blindsided.  I was so mentally distraught and where I was at that point?  I felt like no one understood and I was isolated from everyone I used to hang with all the time.  So I went to meetings, where people actually understood what I was going through--or people that were going through worse, to show me that my life wasn't all that bad and I had things to be grateful for.

Last weekend I did something for myself, going to Lancaster to see family and hang out.  Even though there were some arguments, I still had fun.

The someone in my life that is "causing" me misery is my ex, right now.  I wish he felt the same about us separating as a good thing...it'd make things a lot simpler. 



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Hello Mello,

Great job!  Thank you so much for your honesty and courage to post this.  You seem very self-aware.  How do you feel after completing the activity?

I just met someone, we are a month into a relationship and it appears to be going well ... we are very compatible.  I am helping someone through the steps and think now would be a good time to do some house cleaning (The Steps) so I will take part as well.  It is odd how being emotionally available and vulnerable in a relationship opens the door to emotions and fears I thought were worked through.


1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?


Having moved to a state where I have no friends or family I really don't have anyone who upsets me too much at the moment.  A tenant was driving me crazy when I first moved in 6 months ago but I have stopped being emotionally tied to it, set boundaries and enforced them and it has all worked out.  It was nice to work through that - it was causing me serious frustration and it was all due to my expectations of others.

In the new relationship I am paying very close attention to my thoughts, feelings and actions.  I am making efforts to be my true self.  I am avoiding expectations and judgement like the plague and just accepting him for who he is.  It may work, it may not ... but I am making efforts to not let my codependent mind be the catalyst to the relationships demise.

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Whom do you feel victimized by? Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?

I really enjoy the process of observing myself.  I learned about it while working my program, but Ekhart Tolle really expanded the concept for me in "The Power of Now".  It is so freeing to go into crazy land, see you are there, watch it unfold (why fight it ... it only makes it worse) and then talk myself back into right thinking.  I have a very stress-free life.  If I spin out it is 100% contained in my head and usually not based on reality.  A new, emotionally intense relationship brings a lot of fear with it.  Occasionally, when we are apart for a few days, the "What ifs .." start.  I start wondering how I can keep him, what is he thinking, is he going to leave ... the usual stuff.  I physically react to this ... my appetite decreases, I don't sleep well, I can't focus.  Luckily these days it doesn't last long and I can separate these thoughts from reality and really focus on reality and SEE there is nothing to fear.  Just take things as they come.  ENJOY myself and trust that all is well, I have been given no reason to believe otherwise.  If something catastrophic is going to happen, if I am going to get hurt ... then so be it.  But why waste the time up to that point (that may never come), clenched in fear and missing the joy?

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?

Controlling others or letting others control me is no longer an issue in my life at all.  Thank goodness.

4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?

Emotions: A little turbulent right now ... but I guess that is what it is like when there is the potential of intimate love in front of you.
Finances: Not a problem at all.  I have made some really good choices since getting into recovery and I am debt free with money in the bank.  I honestly believe it was made possible by being in recovery.  Conquering my fears and believing in myself are instrumental qualities when taking big financial risks and playing it right.
Spirituality: Seeing how I didn't even know what this word meant until I got into recovery ... I would say I am firing on all cylinders.  I take time to meditate and pull myself back into the present in front of my guy all the time ... I don't hide it.  Tending to my spirituality, my connection to myself and the world around me, is a priority in my life and I work to not worry about what others think about it because it is now one of my core necessities.  My guy comments regularly how happy I seem ... and it couldn't be more true.  My life was stellar before I met him and he has only made it better.  That is pretty darned good.  I'm glad I am focusing on not letting my head screw that up.
Physical Health:  Not good.  I have had back pain for about a year going from periodic to constant recently.  In fact, I am running off to the physical therapist shortly so I will have to continue this later.  I am very glad to be working on a solution though as I am anxious to get out and do more activities.  My guy is a Scuba Diver (so am I) and I am going to be purchasing Kayaks, hiking  and managing my 3.5 acres.  I am working very hard to put this challenge behind me so I can push to do more of these things.
Career:  I am currently on vacation, first one in two years.  I was getting burned out and not caring at all about my daily grind.  I don't like being there.  I am hoping after my time off and a wonderful trip to a ocean front resort with my guy I will be ready to get excited about my job again.  It is a GREAT opportunity for me and they treat me really well.  I need to be MUCH more grateful.

Fun and enjoyment abounds.  Too much to list.  The highlight recently ... my guy lives on the water and for dinner the other night we went out a dug clams.  Garlic bread, corn on the cob, and in very short order we had a fantastic meal.  A lot of "big" stuff has been going on for fun etc ... but that for some reason was so simple and wonderful.  We have fun events planned already for the next 3 months so it looks like there will be no shortage of enjoyment.  Neither of us really have any drama in our lives and instead of that feeling boring to me (would have in the past) it is so beautiful.


5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?

Family: Very good.  We have really healed since I have gotten into recovery.  I have learned to accept them for who they are and NOT let them guilt me into anything anymore.  I was horrible at never saying "No" to them.

Co-Workers: GREAT!  My closest colleague and his wife are like family to me.  I moved closer to them and I am thrilled we get to see each other regularly now.  There was an individual at work who absolutely sent me over the edge regularly ... I actually used to use the word "hate" with him.  I have let that go, thank goodness.  Again, I accept him for who he is and don't step onto his merry-go-round and all is well.

Friends:  This one is difficult as now all my friends are far from me.  We stay in touch and I still feel emotionally connected to them, but I miss them.

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?

Yes, when I take care of myself my mind is clear.  H.A.L.T ... if I get off center I look at those things first.  Hungry (or hormonal), Angry, Lonely, Tired.  I don't see Angry or Lonely that much anymore, but hungry - hormonal - or tired, they are frequently the cause of any strange thinking.  I hold myself 100% responsible for all aspects of my life.  Probably too much so. 

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?

I am good here.  A little resentment and guilt around my job just from burnout.  "I don't want to be doing this." is a crappy feeling and then the impending guilt because I am not working as hard as I should.  Hopefully after vacation I will feel better in that regard.  Life is FULL of choices and options and I am in no way trapped by anything except having to work for a living .   Haven't figured out how to be wealthy and not work yet ... but give me time!


8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most Worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?

Plaguing me recently ... work burn out, keeping my patience with the back pain and loss of mobility, and navigating a new relationship.  All challenging but all good.  I think I am doing alright with these issues. 

 

I enjoy these activity questions.  It helps me see that everything is ok.  Two of my regular montras through the day are "You've got this!" and "You are ok, life is good."  I bump into things emotionally and I use those to get me out.  It doesn't always feel like I believe it, though it works.  Writing this, proof reading it after ... I believe it 100%.  I've got this and I am ok.  I am safe.  I am worthy. 

 

Step 1 (2 & 3) are wonderful.  After some time in recovery it is a constant reminder that I have chosen to live by these principles and I give myself over to them.  Ok .. that statement makes me uncomfortable (give myself over), but the steps are a fantastic guide to living happy, joyous and free.  I choose that.  My life doesn't have to be unmanageable and most of my troubles in the past stemmed from between my ears.  I believe the steps help me avoid that problem and I prefer not to have the problem for the rest of my life.  I think it takes constant work, I will never graduate. 

 

Thank you Mello!  So glad you are here.

 

Willing



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Hello, This is my first post and i am happy to be here . I have started working CoDA in 2011 ... i was completely devastated by my addict abuser bf... we had been together for 4 years...the using would stop and it would come back again...the beating would stop followed by apologies...tears and making up promises...but it would come back again. My whole life..feelings..existence rotated around him. Through his own chaos he forgot i was there acted as if he can't see me or feel me...i came to think of myself the same way..abandoned...neglected almost as if i don't exist . I had unconsciously developed a coping technique that prevented me from feeling anything..it was the only way to survive the way he insulted and mistreated me over and over . it was the only way for me to stop feeling anything until i could no longer identify what my true feelings were.. did i love him crazy.. unconditionally ? did i hate him for hurting me that much ?  i really had no idea..the only thing i knew is that i can't walk away. When you get treated like **** you start thinking of yourself the same way and with that low self esteem you can't really be alone.you kind of need your own torturer because they are the only thing you have. I break through one day with blood all over my face.fear was more than love so i left. it's been 6 years now . i've done a lot and stood up on my feet but i still feel sometimes like a mess.i still can't identify how i feel and i still can't get into a healthy relationship. I need love so much but i'm very afraid of it. I wish i can be happy alone and i wish i can stop being with the wrong people.

I'm now working again on step one ,currently still answering the questions.

Thanks for letting me share this and sorry if it was long.



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Welcome Aby,

Although my life history is different than yours. The feelings I felt going through both of my failed relationships. All come back to some of the same feeling you have shared.
I still struggle with trusting someone. And I'm real close to just giving up on relationships.

Glad to see you are working on developing some health boundaries for yourself. Don't forget to be gentle with your self, And try to shutoff the mind chatter that comes up beating yourself up.

Thanks for sharing, and your post wasn't to long. Peace

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Thanks, willing. As for how I felt when doing the activity, I guess I felt I had more of an idea of where I stood when it came to surrendering, when it came to how powerless I was over my situation. And answered why I got there in the first place, and what my areas of powerless were, etc. I do feel self-aware, but I often second-guess myself and I wonder if I should be doing more. Guess that's my perfectionism talking :P

Aby, hi and welcome! I frequently have trouble identifying how I feel, too. I hope that you find the answers you need on this forum and elsewhere on your 12 step program journey.

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Great job, Mello!  Thank you so much for sharing.  I bumped Step 2!

Willing



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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi



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Bump



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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi



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I hadn't looked at things this way before, but I think I have been trying to control by trying to make someone love and accept me enough. I call her Momma, though she isn't my biological mom I consider her 2nd family over the last several years. I want to be clear that she doesn't take advantage , it's me that pushes. I'm constantly over offering or over doing to help in any way I can. I'll go out of my way, rearranging my schedule so I'm free if I anticipate she could use help. She doesn't know I do this. Everything she says I analyze and take personal, I'm constantly thinking how I wish I was her real daughter. I need to be useful or I feel I won't be wanted. I want to be equal in importance as her biological family, I'm often sending texts saying I love you, or things of gratitude, subconsciously wanting something back in return. I'm clingy,I don't know what I would do if I lost her. I purposely was creating barriersbetween her and my real mom, I think so Momma would feel sorry for me and want to love me more. Everything is confusing right now. I don't know how to be happy on my own, if you ask what makes me happy I would say spending time with Momma. And though I want to start recovery, letting go on some level is the scariest thought, that I almost don't want to detach from her.

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Ape130, Good start on analyzing your feeling and thoughts about these very common codependent feeling all of us here deal with in some way.

I have had past problems getting into relationships myself. Having been brought up believing, if I was not helping or fixing someone else's problems . Then I was not important, needed or loved. I was a hot mess with my last GF fall out. But looking back, It was the best thing that ever happen to me. I now have a chance to live a life with health relationships, Treating myself with self respect.
Familiarity is comforting, no body wants to rock a boat. I know I would have stayed in my last relationship a very long time. But I believe my higher power said. "Fap123, enough already with this terrible relationship you got into. This process is going to hurt for a little while, but I'll be here with you all along the way". Growth means taking steps out of my comfort zone. One step at a time.

Peace

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I was in a similar situation in my marriage, took me years to gain the courage to get out. I just didn't realize I went from an intimate relationship based on codependency, quickly into a friendship/family relationship based on that. The difference this time is I'm fully to blame for the burden of codependency I've placed on the relationship. Step 1 says start taking care of your needs instead of others. The problem is, right now, it feels like my needs ARE holding tight to her and doing what I do to try and fill the void.

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