I wasn't in a relationship with this man. This man told me he would be my spiritual counsel and completely flipped out on me and left me wondering what I did wrong.
A relationship is any interaction with another human being, ie work relationship, student/pupil relationship, platonic relationship, romantic relationship, if I read Dean's post with that in mind when I see the word -relationship- I see what he is saying
I have as much difficulty sometimes with some relationships (work) as I ever did in romantic relationships, for me first it's making a choice who I will allow in my life, if that is not a choice second is setting appropriate and healthy boundaries, learning to spot red flags is very important in this for me, both red flags in my behaviors and in the other persons
With Coda we don't so much tell you what to do, but what we did, and how we learned, for me reading all these posts and the reading material suggested as well as the CODA home page here gave me a starting point to start learning about my behaviors and choices, Codependent No More was the book that initially got my attention, and I started studying from there
__________________
it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
A relationship is any interaction with another human being, ie work relationship, student/pupil relationship, platonic relationship, romantic relationship, if I read Dean's post with that in mind when I see the word -relationship- I see what he is saying
I have as much difficulty sometimes with some relationships (work) as I ever did in romantic relationships, for me first it's making a choice who I will allow in my life, if that is not a choice second is setting appropriate and healthy boundaries, learning to spot red flags is very important in this for me, both red flags in my behaviors and in the other persons
With Coda we don't so much tell you what to do, but what we did, and how we learned, for me reading all these posts and the reading material suggested as well as the CODA home page here gave me a starting point to start learning about my behaviors and choices, Codependent No More was the book that initially got my attention, and I started studying from there
It was just difficult for me to notice the red flags because I thought his behavior was just normal on guard because of him having a famous brother. It wasn't until our last conversation, that one time, that he changed and I noticed something was wrong. The first thing that hit me when he was talking was "is he drinking?", because it was like Dr. Jekly and Mr. Hyde from our first conversation.
Its like I didn't have enough time to figure out what was going on. He just blind sided me after I asked him why he got fired a year ago - got on the defense - told me my question was stupid, the WAM hung up on me and hasn't spoken since.
Thats when I decided to take action into my own hands and that's when I found out his criminal background, and sadly his "famous" brother has almost the exact same criminal background and why he's in a mess now.
Only one day of abuse and I almost couldn't cope, can you imagine what his brother is going through because he depends on his every word.
Frankly I wouldn't know anything about that, I am here to take my inventory and see about changing me, it seems to be the only thing I have control over, many of -us- have checkered pasts, including me, if I was to have my inventory taken over my past and that would be the deciding factor in how I was percieved I wouldn't have done well either in AA or here, places we are welcomed no matter how far down the ladder we have come, if we decide to live by spiritual principals and improve our lives going forward
The only requirement for membership in CoDA is a desire for healthy and loving relationships.
__________________
it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Let me try to explain, we are here to understand why WE do the things WE do, why WE make the choices WE make, we call that "taking our own inventory" from step 4, most of us are to recover from focusing on what "they" are doing wrong, or what "they" did to us, to "what can I do differently" and "How can I make different choices in MY OWN life", the thinking "they" are "the problem" is actually "the problem" here and what we are working on to recover from, switching the focus from "them" to ourselves
That is why Dean talked about "red flags" and learning to set appropriate boundaries, and deciding to be OK in realizing that not everyone is going to mesh, that "life is not a popularity contest", he was talking about how he learned different tools when he was in your shoes, he wasn't talking about how this other person was wrong, or bad, he was describing what changes he made in himself so it became a non issue
We can't help you figure out what this man did wrong, or how/why he is bad or a criminal or what goes on between him and his brother or who his daddy is, but what we CAN do is talk about what WE did in the same(ish) type of situation, but in order to understand that, at least for me, I had to educate myself about what this whole "codie' thing was, I had to learn what red flags were, I had to start digging about why I chose the people I did, I had to do a lot of reading to start understanding the causes and conditions of what got me to this place rather then "I was playing with matches and I burnt my house down", I had to learn why I liked to play with matches and how to stop playing with them, otherwise all the specific advice in the world wouldn't help me, because as long as I play with matches, I'm onna get burned, for me, I would say, "oooh, this man is matches, he burned me" and learn why this bothered me, learn why I was "attracted" (not sexually) to him in the first place, why I went for abusive relationships (I was in an abusive relationship in 2009 with an alcoholic, who d**n near killed me, and even then, I blamed myself.), so for me, the questions would be "why am I attracted to abusive people, and what can I do to change that)
__________________
it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
ok THAT would have made more sense to someone who is familiar with CODA, but considering I'm new here, I have/had no clue what you were talking about and any group that I've been to allows to the person to express what they are currently going through without throwing them right into the center of the recovery process.
If I'm not allowed to do that without being preached to then this is the wrong place for me.
I really enjoyed this thread on a few different levels. I want to say more, but I'm gonna practice restraint of pen and keyboard.
-- Edited by billyjack on Thursday 24th of March 2011 08:25:56 AM
__________________
"Sometimes the lights are all shining on me - other times I can barely see - Lately its occurred to me - what a long strange trip its been." Robert Hunter
