Hi everybody, just a quick share... I canceled my eHarmony account and in the following days, I was finally contacted by two matches who appealed to me very much. I was hesitant because I really wanted to focus on this study, but I just could not resist.
I have met one man last weekend, and two days later, the other man. The second man had a "powerful" personality much like my ex-husband , he was very, very bold and became sexually aggressive (can I say that here?) I told him this was much too fast for me and he did apologize, but when we met again the next day, he did it again.
I am really proud of myself because it was not easy for me to end it with him today.... mostly because he is very handsome and makes between $300-400k a year (I have LOTS of fear surrounding money.) But, I have to stop compromising myself... I'll only hate myself again later and I'm sick of that about me. I suffer from codependency, and I have learned that I am not the woman I want to be, while I'm practicing my effing disease.
Sooo, while I didn't do everything perfectly, I feel good about what I did today, the old me would have wondered "what's wrong with me, I'm over-reacting.... I could change!"
My second date with the other man, a Frenchman who drinks wine at every meal, is on Saturday. He is a fascinating man and I look forward to seeing how this goes, but.... I will trust my Higher power on this one too.
Soooo glad I remembered to pray this morning!
__________________
"See the work. Do the work. Stay out of misery." -Maharishi
gladlee wrote:Sooo, while I didn't do everything perfectly, I feel good about what I did today
Well hate to "cross-talk" but I fail to see what wasn't perfect
For example, I was talking to someone recently about the "no-contact" clause thing we put on ourselves when trying to end unhealthy relationships, and the truth of the matter is I have never been able to "enforce" that boundary "artificially"
I do what I do until I am done, when I am done, I don't -need- to artificially impose an "no-contact- clause, does that make sense?
One of the most important things I have learned in my recovery is to -not- lie to myself, to keep my word to myself, so instead of saying "I will never do this again" I say sometimes, "I may not be done doing this" and somehow that frees me up to look at the situation rather then my reaction to the situation, and I when I am saying "I will never do this again" I seem to do it over and over, but when I finally sit back, take a breath, and say "welp, it doesn't look like I am done" the situation itself changes and I find myself not repeating the behavior as many times until I learn the lesson
I have been blessed with good sponsorship for a few decades now, and every time I drank again, or blew it or moved, I went looking for some Nazi that would kick my butt, and they all said no, so I kept ending up with the same sponsor prototype, where when I told on myself, and was waiting for the butt chew, was hoping for the butt chew, was hoping for someone to "tell me what to do" I always got the same response
"well, it looks like you aren't done doing this, when you are done, you won't do it any more" and somehow that was worse (dad prototype anyone?) because it put the responsibility squarely back on me, so when I learned how to start doing that for myself, it took away me beating myself with the baseball bat of guilt and shame when I not only made every mistake known to man but invented new ones, and when I take away guilt and shame, I look at things clearer, and when I look at things more clearly, my recovery seems to progress, I seem to grow, and at the root of ALL that is:
"Good Judgment comes from experience, most of which comes from bad judgment"
You learned from your past, you made different choices, you showed -good judgment- and on Saturday with ze frenchman are either going to learn some more good judgment or show some, how is that not perfection?
-- Edited by LinBaba on Wednesday 23rd of March 2011 08:38:20 PM
__________________
it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Looks like you did fine to me. You set boundries and went with your gut feeling instead of letting your head tell you the lies like in the past. You took care of you first. I'm proud of you. This example shows me progress. In AA; my Sponsor reminds me often to go with my gut feeling, because I have the Steps in my belly. If it looks like a duck & quacks like one- it's probably a duck. Our heads can turn it into something else.
One important thing I got from your post was the ability to end a relationship. I've never been good at that. But, I'm looking forward to getting better.
I like doing things differently. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't - but approaching things without the leading thought of "I am not enough - I can change" has really helped me too. Also setting aside the things that look good on paper - handsome and doing well financially - and looking at the personality and how that makes you feel is huge.
I am so grateful for the support here. But, I feel guilty about the "atta-girls" because I left some stuff out. I met him with boundaries, I didn't stick to them. I let this man, a complete stranger, touch every part of me on the very first date, the whole time telling him that he is moving too fast.... like, my words and my actions didn't match up, ugh. I have a serious problem with boundaries, of course, it didn't help seeing his beautiful white Mercedes parked just over his shoulder. And he smelled so good. It felt so good to be held again... and I just.... lost myself. again.
No, I have no boundaries, "I am the permeable membrane." But I feel grateful I didn't let it last for years this time. Go me.
LB, I, personally, cannot work with a nazi sponsor because it would remind me too much of my mother who butt-chewed me all the time. I tried that kind of sponsor, and I rarely phoned her. I'll jump through hoops for the sponsor who tells me I did this, this, and this "right." I respond well when she says, "I don't know anyone who wants this more than you, Debbie." And I appreciate it when she says, "I'm gonna love you no matter what you decide." I am a people pleaser. I only behaved out of fear when I was young. This approach helps me to believe in a higher power. This is exactly what you guys did here.... of course... I kept some stuff out so.... that's why I'm here again... to tell on myself... anyway....
Today, it occurred to me that this new CODA board means a LOT to me and my recovery and I just want to thank everyone. I'll be taking you "with me" on Saturday, lol
-- Edited by gladlee on Thursday 24th of March 2011 05:56:46 PM
-- Edited by gladlee on Thursday 24th of March 2011 06:01:35 PM
__________________
"See the work. Do the work. Stay out of misery." -Maharishi
Well, give yourself an "atta-girl" for coming here and telling the truth.
Been there done that.
My therapist said to me once "T- healthy men like it when you say no."
Really?!? - I just had no idea.
I don't necessarily disagree with two consenting adults yada yada yada. What I do disagree with is how time and time again I give myself away for free. I hurt myself with that behavior. I don't demand respect or honor because I don't respect or honor myself. I wonder why I get treated like crap again and again and again . . . If I was out having consentual sex with power and grace, fulfilling a need and happy about it . . . cool beans! But I am not. When I do that I am desperately seeking approval and the fear is OVERWHELMING that he won't like me unless I give him that.
Now . . . have you ever seen a guy who doesn't get what he wants and is interested enough that it is a challenge? I have and it was usually the guys I wasn't interested in . . . the healthy ones who wanted to treat me right. But still, I used to watch my friends who took their time and watch these men CHASE them, shower them with gifts and dates etc. Kind of made me scratch my head - I just didn't get it. How come they don't do that with me? Hmmmmmmm.
Sorry bit of a rant there. Right there with ya, sister. Time for a change . . . and it all starts with ME.
Big, big hugs. Thanks so much for your honesty.
Linistea
-- Edited by Linistea on Friday 25th of March 2011 06:54:42 AM
I'm still proud of you. Coming back here and opening up and being honest. That's HUGE. A willingness to change is HUGE. Progress not perfection. My diesase will beat me up when change doesn't happen RIGHT NOW! Damn it, why can't it happen right now. Pain- willingness- growth happens over time. It's not a destination, but a journey. When I get that backwards my head chews on me.
It's also important for me to remember; I'm a sick person trying to get well. I'm not responsible for my diesase and all the side dishes that come along with it, but I am responsible for my recovery- one day at a time.
Hi, Took me along time for "No" to become a complete sentence. I only learned that from other people. People who's "No" was a complete sentence. Girls who "No" was not a complete sentence with me ----- I could FEEL____ and I continued my advances till I either had my way with them, or kicked them to the curb. I am not proud of that , but it was how it worked. I learned , by example as a kid that no never meant no, consistently. So I just carried on with what I knew. People got hurt. Me especially. Turned out to be a "NASTY" hunter of prey. Hard to live with myself some days. Good news is my Bride way back in 71' did say no to my advances, and meant it, and "No" was a complete sentence. I did not realize it at the time, but looking back, That is what most attracted me to her. I craved that kind of clarity and constancy. BOUNDARIES THAT DID NOT KEEP MOVING. Something I had never experienced before. I could trust that. It felt Safe. No turned to yes after we got married, and on that topic of intimacy, I still get a enthusiastic YES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All Smiles :) Wayne
Thanks for your honesty Gladlee, it takes a lot to be honest to people, even if we are all in cyberspace. Thank you for sharing your experience with us.
