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Post Info TOPIC: Who am I?


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Who am I?
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You know, it is interesting what I have realized lately.  My MO before was to isolate.  I am an extremely private person, don't speak much, don't really get into anyone else's business, don't gossip etc.  And you know what?  I like those traits about myself and I like people like that.  I don't have to know every facet of someone else's life to like them - I just need to enjoy their company and treat each other with respect.  Excessive talking is just buzzzz . . . I like listening and I like the confidence that comes in moments of comfortable silence.

The thing is - my isolation has mostly come from fear.  Fear of what others will think of me, fear of crowds, fear of a lot of things.  Not speaking for fear of being judged.  Fear of confrontation.  Now that I am starting to work on those things - I am pleasantly surprised that I am still me.  I am very good at detaching because I have been doing it all my life - but now it is with love instead of indifference, judgement or fear.  It is with the knowledge that I am a whole being - separate from those around me - and responsible only for myself.  I get to continue being quiet - but not out of fear - but out of the desire to listen more and judge less.  To know that when I speak my words have value, my experience matters, but I don't need to speak just to hear myself talk, or more importantly - to make others feel good.  My love of silence is actually a good thing about myself - contrary to other's opinions, as long as it isn't driven by fear.  If I am happy and fulfilled I don't have to be what anyone else thinks I should be.

The thing that others see as unhealthy isolation I am not seeing anymore.  If I look through my flickr page I see that I don't really isolate at all.  I travel, I go exciting places - more than most I know.  And I have a passion for the beauty of nature and I get out and enjoy it.  There are no requirements on social activity that make me healthy or unhealthy - it is what is driving my behavior that sets the tone of health.

So - my outsides haven't changed that much since starting recovery - but my insides sure have.  I am starting to believe in myself and see that I wasn't doing things so badly after all - but I was doing them wrong as they were all driven by fear, mistrust, and a lack of respect for myself.  I am who I have always wanted to be but just didn't see it, love, trust or believe in myself.  I had been fighting to "be this person" for so long and never realized I had actually gotten there.  I could relax.  Life is not falling apart, the next shoe is not going to drop, and today is a beautiful day.

Here is an example.  My mother has always wanted her "dream home", her beautiful house on acreage.  "I want the home I have dreamed of my whole life."  The funny thing is - she has had it - many times over.  She struggled and struggled to get what she wanted but never stopped struggling long enough to realize she had it.  She was there.

So I need to be aware of where I am.  I am always struggling to impress, to defend, to be better, to be perfect - the perfect Mom, employee, sister, daughter, woman, and girlfriend.  I need to let go of "perfect" and realize that I am good at all those things - with my imperfections.  I am perfectly imperfect.  If I don't stop the struggle and look within, be happy with where I am right now, with who I am right now, it will pass and all I will see is the struggle and never my accomplishments.

Thank you for letting me share.

Linistea



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Hi Linistea.
I have just been intruduced to this website,and encouraged to take a look by a dear friend member,imso glad i just did cos i identify so much with what youve written its me!!!
I am hopeful that i can move on and not have to be this way forever.My recovery can be enhanced as i start upon another journey
Thankyou
Tina :)

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T.Grimes


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Thanks Linistea,

I think what you have described is a key part of recovery from co-dependency We aren't necessary trying to "fix" ourselves and be "better" people, but rather to accept ourselves as we are...complete with flaws and imperfections. What you've described is actually very consistent with Buddhist principles of "being" and taking the middle path. Much of the pain in our lives has been caused by harsh self-judgment and self-loathing. Because co-dependents are so full of fear and doubt, and because we constantly (and unsuccessfully) seek validation from sources outside of ourselves, we are perpetually unhappy. As a child, I learned that loudly expressing my needs was a bad thing, and that I should be continually self-effacing, dependable, and stoic. I've had moments in my life where I experience morbid embarassment and, frankly, physical and emotional discomfort when I was made the center of attention. I still find narcissistic, ego-driven people who are into flamboyant self-promotion unpleasant to be around. I gravitate toward unassuming, down-to-earth people. Like you, Linistea, I still think humility, loyalty, and dependability are admirable characteristics. And I don't think I'm looking to just boost my confidence so that I become arrogant and self-serving...I guess I'm seeking the middle ground. I don't fault myself anymore for being loyal to people who didn't deserve my loyalty. But I do have a better sense of where my boundaries are.

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What an inspiring tread.  One with hope.  I'm still trying to figure out who I am?  This post certainly opened my eyes.  Thank you!

A big welcome to Tina.  Glad you've joined us.



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