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Hello. Glad I found this board. I have been doing a lot of self-examination, reading, and counseling over the last two years and I'm now working on the co-dependent behaviors that have wrecked every intimate relationship I've ever had. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and a co-dependent father. My mother committed suicide in 1993 at age 59 after years of severe drinking, depression. and suicide threats.

Every single intimate relationship I've had in my adult life has been horrible...I've chosen emotionally (one physically) abusive, cold, selfish and indifferent men who could not love, and fought like hell to hang on to everyone of these miserable, unsatisfying relationships. I'm now 46 and recently broke up with my long-term boyfriend. I am making a conscious effort to stay single for once and work on myself rather than jumping right back into an unhealthy relationship, but it's terrifying and I need some support.

I'd welcome some feedback and guidance.



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Welcome! This board is still new and we are glad to have you. I am too trying to work on myself..Its hard when all I am used to is being in one sick relationship after another. I do believe everything happens for some reason or another though and am glad we finally got this board up and running; Sorry I dont have much guidance but Im sure the other regulars will chime in. In the meantime, please keep coming back. We need you here more than you may realize!

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Welcome to MIP, Myopia.  I can relate to a history of bad relationships and am thrilled at the prospect of that changing by changing myself.  It is scary but we can do this together with people who understand, share some of our experiences, and can share how they have used the program of recovery to help them have better relationships in every aspect of their lives.

I am glad you are here to share with us.

Linistea



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Thanks for the welcome. It helps to see the parallels with others' lives. Can either or both of you share some of your experiences with your relationships? How are you working on yourself so you don't repeat the same mistakes?

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hello and welcome

Speaking for myself, if I was asked to share my experiences with my relationships I would refer you to threads I have started, and the step study and book study, for me trying to answer that would be like, "OK, Mr XXXX, how would YOU solve world hunger and world peace?"

ummm.......uhhhh........

How do you eat an entire elephant?

One Bite at a time

I am doing so by going through the steps, looking at my Family of origin history then in step 4 we write an entire relationship history and then go over it with a sponsor, I check in with others frequently, tell on myself and check my motives and actions with other people all the time

for me it's a process not an event

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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful



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Thanks Lin,

I realize that it's quite impossible to distill patterns of behavior and experiences over an entire lifetime down to just a few sentences (thus the challenges of online support groups). Please understnad that I have not gone through the formal CODA steps as part of a group, and I'm feeling a little disoriented about where I might be in the process. But, I've done a lot of reading and counseling, etc., resulting in awareness and acceptance, and I would have to say I'm in at least Step 4. I'm particularly interested in understanding what you mean when you say you check your motives and actions with other people all the time. What does that look like and are there tools I can use?

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Well you are in luck, we just started two studies, one "The codependents guide to the 12 steps" and "Codependent No More" here on this forum, both books are available at Amazon, both by Melody Beatty, there are 4 threads total, the introductions, and the first chapter and step, feel free to start along with us

I'd strongly suggest going to our "step board" and looking up the threads started by TLCATE and AGO over there (and everyone else) concerning steps 1 - 3, that will give you a pretty good start, they are both in the alanon format and the AA format but the first 3 pages or so in that forum have some great step studies, there just isn't very much traffic over there

I'd also go through this forum and read all of the threads, we were spitballing pretty hard, defining codependence, relationship addictions etc and since this forum is only about 3 weeks old, the information is pretty concentrated, but do that, read AGO and TLCates steps over on the step work forum, and go over the threads here on this one, and you will be up to speed with the rest of us, although in all fairness I have to say you are in luck, almost every member of this new forum HAVE worked the steps before, so as you walk with us the experience is incredible here, I for instance am learning a LOT, and I have done the steps 8 times in 2 decades formally, and maybe 3 times informally as a part of a group like this one but live

so welcome, pull up a chair, and set awhile



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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful



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Gladly, Myopia.

Basically my story is that I have had every type of relationship possible and none of them worked.  I have been in abusive, toxic relationships.  I have been in relationships that flamed up and burnt out when I got to actually know the other person.  Relationships that failed so fast it made my head spin because I was so desperate to have them like me I was nervous and appeared desperate constantly.  Then there was the marriage of two people who didn't know how to communicate, got along well enough, but an external situation and my obsession with it consumed me and I lost my marriage.

My point here is that I don't have a specific set of issues that keep repeated themselves except the part that contains ME and my behaviors.  I want to learn how to relax and be myself and believe in myself.  I want to learn how to communicate better and take time to get to know the other person before I jump in up to my eyeballs and not stay past the expiration date.  I want to be honest and not live in fear and have it manifest as my inability to say "no".  I want to learn how to stand as a whole, separate, healthy person and just be a good partner. I want to learn how to state my needs instead of trying to manipulate others through passive aggression, victimization, and martyrdom into doing what I want them to do.

The stories will be expanded upon as shares increase as well as the desires I have for myself in recovery.  That will always be changing as I grow, heal, and learn more about myself. 

Hopefully this forum will help you become more aware of the things about yourself that you want to change and give you good tools to do just that.  We are here to walk that path with you and will learn from you as well. 

Thank you for joining us.

Linistea



-- Edited by Linistea on Wednesday 30th of March 2011 09:44:14 PM

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LinBaba,

Thanks. I've already read "Codependent No More" and found it helpful. She touches on the steps in that book, but I did read the Step One thread. Looking forward to the others. I'm getting much better at accepting my powerlessness over other people. As a child, I remember spending many, many hours with my alcoholic. depressed mom trying forcefully to convince her of the value of her life. I thought if I could just make her see how much she had to be thankful for and how much I loved her, then she'd stop drinking. Of course it never worked because her pain and depression were intrinsic, not due to her circumstances at all, although she blamed her misery on everyone and everything around her. But I was a child, and I naively thought I could reason her out of it when, in fact, I had no power over my mother's disease. I've repeated that pattern with so many people over the course of my life, and most of these were people who, like my mother, neither welcomed my input nor intended to change themselves. The part that I've had to come to understand is that, my good intentions in trying to "help" people were really selfish attempts to control a situation. I wasn't being altruistic at all...I wanted these people to change so that they could love ME. Like I did with my mother, I was repeating the pattern of desperately trying to win the love of a sick, emotionally indifferent person. I now realize that I don't have the power to make anyone love me and, instead of being crushed by that realization, it actually makes me feel stronger and less panic-stricken.

Linistea,


Thanks for sharing. Everything you said resonates with me, especially not jumping in up to your eyeballs and not staying past the expiration date! Learning to say "no" is so very important, isn't it? I've always had a horrible fear that saying no would result in people going away. Lately I've put saying no into practice and found that, well, yes...some of them do go away. But these are usually the ones who want to use or take advantage of me, so why would I want these people in my life anyway? It means my circle of friends is smaller, but that's ok, and I'm letting go of the need to people please and keep warm bodies around just to avoid facing being alone. Boundary issues have always been a problem for me...I always give everything away. The other day I ran into a (very) casual acquaintance who mentioned going out of town. I very nearly jumped in and offered to dog sit for her without even being asked. I barely knew this woman, but in the past, that's what I would have done. and then felt stressed and resentful about it. Fortunately, I've developed some self-restraint and caught myself just in time.

I really do appreciate having this forum. It's nice to have a non-judgmental venue.

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Hello and welcome Mypoia,

This is a great place to discover, uncover and discard. the few short weeks we been up and running here on this board, has made a big difference in me. It has motivated me to really dig into recovering from this debilitating handicap of codependence. It instilled a great hope for a peaceful life to come. Glad your here.



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"Sometimes the lights are all shining on me - other times I can barely see - Lately its occurred to me - what a long strange trip its been."   Robert Hunter 



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Welcome Myopia!  Glad to have you here with us.



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