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Post Info TOPIC: Willing to change


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Willing to change
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I start every morning by reading Mr. Sponsorpants.  It is an AA recovery blog that I just love.  Something he said this morning resonated with me . . .

"Wishing for a different result without being willing to change your process is as common as dirt.  Asking your Higher Power to help you be willing to do a different process so that you can achieve a different result is very much a part of the heart of Steps 6 and 7."

Here is the entire entry for today: 4/1/2011

Recovery has really brought home for the me concept of looking at the issues in my life, and instead of looking at the external things/people who are causing me discomfort, looking within.  I would love to say that I am a pro at this, actually I am still pretty crappy, but it is a start.  All you need to do is begin and practice.  Being willing to change is the first part of actually changing.  And I try to be reasonable with myself.  I try to not expect an overnight overhaul of something that took 40 years to create.  I try to keep an occasional eye on my growth and progress, it encourages me to keep trying.  But, when the old behaviors return full force I try to have compassion and forgiveness for myself and be thankful I even recognize that it is "old behavior" and try to work out how I can do it differently next time. 

Progress not perfection.

Thank you for letting me share.

Linistea



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Thank you, Linistea.  A couple of things I could relate to:

"I try to not expect an overnight overhaul of something that took 40 years to create" 

yah-  I do this all the time.  I'm a relief seeker with an instant gratification mentality- I need reminders that change takes time.  A mile in the woods and a mile out.  It's progress, not perfection.  It's a journey not a destination.  

" But, when the old behaviors return full force I try to have compassion and forgiveness for myself and be thankful I even recognize that it is "old behavior" and try to work out how I can do it differently next time" 

When I'm Spiritually fit this comes almost naturally.  A good thing.  I would even say I'm grateful the majority of the time.  When I'm not Spiritually fit, out comes the bat, self pity and self loathing.  Not a good thing.  Just another example of The Program working if I work it. 



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I also read it this morning and it kicked me right where it hurts, although his focus was on other people,

Spoiler
and how he deals with them, the character defects he pointed out are the ones I am suffering from right now...and it hurts, not spraying everyone with being negative, I am a pretty nice laid back guy in RL, but in not doing anything to change my circumstances

Right now in my life I have 2 out of the three components of a happy recovery, I am open minded, as honest as I can be (both with my self and others) factoring in self delusion, but I am lacking willingness, right now the three things I want to change are computer (too much time wasted), cigarettes, and that wonderful five syllable word for sloth, procrastination, it's a horrific battle, it centers around work but it begins to affect every aspect of my life...and it corrodes everything it touches

I paraphrased what mr pants had to say:

When I complain about a particular something and claim I want things to be different (being single, being broke all the time, being bad at this or that) I am kidding myself -- My life is exactly how I want it to be.  This is evidenced by the entrenched (if sometimes unconscious) unwillingness to do anything differently (consistently) so that I get the result I supposedly desire.  Wishing for a different result without being willing to change my process is as common as dirt.  Asking your Higher Power to help me be willing to do a different process so that I can achieve a different result is very much a part of the heart of Steps 6 and 7.

In the middle of my codependent bottom I "downed tools", I was building my own little house and I found it was going to be taken from me, and I was trapped where I was, my GF told me I couldn't come "home" to my house, I had spent my life savings, and I was working basically for room and board to support my bio family, and I was told I was going to lose everything...I was defeated...totally...I ended up leaving a few years later and spent a few months couch surfing where I was made to understand I was unwelcome by everyone, I wasn't even allowed to spend the night at my girlfriends house at the time as she felt that that would be like she was enabling me to couch surf, I found a place, moved in, and started finding part time work while searching for a job, I spent a few hours a day submitting resumes online, then I'd get dressed up and go apply in person, I did this for 6 months, may times going back for 5-6 interviews at the same place, whether by them requesting me back or sheer persistance, in every single case they downsized and hired from within...I did this for 6 months

I finally moved again 100 miles away, and got a job working part time but it wasn't enough, so I started the process all over again, I lowered my rate 35%, and got hired by 6-7 different companies, and none of them stuck, even at offering my services at nearly half of what I used to charge, the work just wasn't there, they, in many cases now hire illegal aliens who work for about half of what I charge, now they may take 2-3 times as long, but these companies also downsized, from 6 man crews to 2-3 man crews so paying the under the table guys made sense

So now I work for a few different companies, and for months at a time things go well, I keep busy enough, but like clockwork, a few times a year business goes in the tank, sometimes for a few months...but now I'm tired, I feel defeated, I feel helpless, I have been banging my head against this brick wall for so long I don't have the energy to do it any more, I don't think I am afraid but when I decide to start again, I get frozen with fear and pessimism

I work hard, I really really do, most of my life I have kept 2 jobs, and in what I do I am in the top 2-3% skillwise, I do things only a few people in the world can do, and that's all I get hired for anymore, the stuff too large, too dangerous, for others to do, I get hired for stuff for one reason or another no one will do...and I am tired

What I am doing isn't working, and I feel trapped, ...again...I know I am not in charge of adhesion, I am just supposed to fling poop against the wall, God is in charge of adhesion, but I don't even have energy to do that any more, when I am working, money is coming in, I am too busy to fling poop, and when it stops, I am too discouraged to fling poop...

It feels as if this negativity is what has become entrenched, it feels as if I have been defeated by life one too many times, and I need to try and "pull myself up by my bootstraps" (an impossibility)

After a life of being the guy who says "never say die" who is there trying long after everyone else has given up, who kept going no matter what life threw at him, I feel hopelessly defeated, but, like Mr Sponsorpants says, there is this voice in my mind that says "you do this because you like it, you like feeling useless, and defeated, if you wanted to change you would....

I'm tired....

So every day I get up and pray for willingness, I work towards my goals, some days I succeed, some days I don't, I am wondering how much of my low energy comes from smoking so that's one reason I am putting quitting on the table....when I do work I do seem to stay "in motion", but when work stops it seems so do I, I have been REALLY working on changing this, sometimes I make headway, sometimes I don't, but even when I do tomorrow comes and it starts all again, I sculpted a piece for the first time in 10 years, worked on a new car project, I work in my house and my yard...but it's such a battle...in the day I walk around and stuff is too big to even begin, I have all these elephants to eat and I don't even know where to start and I get SUPER sleepy even thinking about it, then I look at the end of the day I see all the stuff I could have done, unfinished house projects, even dirty dishes and dirty laundry can send me into a tailspin...

I just get to this place....this place where I never wonder why I drank, because it allowed me to access that elusive emotion known as "happy", I have moments and times of happiness now but other times it feels as if I am watching someone else, watching an actor on stage who plays happy, there's a veil between me and happy...I am just the observer...and my world turns to black


Now the air I tasted and breathed
Has taken a turn
And now my bitter hands
Chafe beneath the clouds
Of what was everything
Oh the pictures have
All been washed in black
Tattooed everything
I take a walk outside
I'm surrounded by
Some kids at play
I can feel their laughter
So why do I swear
Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin
Round my head
I'm spinning
Oh, I'm spinning
How quick the sun can, drop away...
And now my bitter hands
Cradle broken glass
Of what was everything
All the pictures had
All been washed in black
Tattooed everything
All the love gone bad
Turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see
All that I am
All I'll ever be...

I am so tired.....I am just tired of living with no hope...that anything will ever change, anything will ever get any better...I know that is pessimism rearing it's ugly head, so I plug away, and I do gratitude lists, I do tenth steps, and I am grateful for so much in my life, I am so happy and proud of how far I have come in the last few years, I also use awareness, acceptance, and action...but the mountain still feels insurmountable....I guess this is my second step post in a way, because I can't do this alone, I need a power greater then myself to restore me, because my way isn't working, it's worked before in other areas, other battles, other arenas. I just hope it can work in this one too...because I can't do this one alone

.



-- Edited by LinBaba on Friday 1st of April 2011 01:38:53 PM

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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful



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PS

I do know my "thing", my...whatever, what I have called my "alcoholism" because it's why I drank does manifest in many ways, sometimes clinical depression, sometimes acute anxiety attacks, sometimes manic-depressive, high highs or low lows does tell me stories, I do treat it with a variety of tools, I have been doing this a long time, I do know "this too shall pass" and I try to get some sunshine, take walks, keep moving, eat some fruit or other healthy foods, I talk to others, work the steps, I do take the action necessary to "manage" my condition as it were, it just gets tiring sometimes, and sometimes peering into that maw, that abyss, that yawning chasm gets tiring, I didn't choose this, and I don't have it because I like it and I'm unwilling to do the work to change, but that is one of the ways "it" likes to get to me, "you feel useless because you are", you feel less then because you are" etc ad nauseum, uch of the time my inside stuff has no bearing on my outside stuff, it's just when the outside stuff gets difficult sometimes it's like it's sitting there pushing that button of clinical depression, those feelings of less then or whatever, it's like someone keeps turning the radio up and I have to stay on top of it before the noise drowns out sanity and I start believing it

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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful



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Thanks for posting this. It has really resonated with me. I used to deal with the internal stuff that was going on for me by changing the external. I would literally go running, or rock climbing, or pack my bag and go somewhere far away. I spent a long time travelling and working overseas, until I realised that I took myself with me wherever I went. A few years ago I was diagnosed with a long term illness which affects how much I am able to do, and causes a lot of physical discomfort and exhaustion. Since then I have literally been forced to stop and face myself. No matter how much my head tells me to "do" something, my body tells me, "nope sorry, no can do". It was a direct result of this illness that I started my spiritual journey. There wasn't a lot I could do on the outside but I could work at changing what was going on on the inside. But looking at and dealing with what's on the inside is probably the most terrifying thing I have ever had to do. It still terrifies me every day, and if I wasn't feeling so exhausted and ill, I would still be running like a woman possessed. I feel overwhelmed, and tired with the struggle, and I struggle to accept that this fatigue and discomfort is what I will be living with. It's the illness more than anything else that has taught me to live in the moment, not project into tomorrow, and to feel and really experience what's happening now. But mostly I can feel exhausted, and overwhelmed with the day. I find it very hard to accept, let go and let God.

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Freya

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