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Post Info TOPIC: Having a bad couple of days


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Having a bad couple of days
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Hi, I'm a bit confused about how to write about how I'm feeling, but hope that by writing about my feelings here I can stop being so hard on myself.

I'm trying to keep the focus on me, but tend to find that difficult as I was told I was selfish a lot as a kid growing up, and also that I was moaning and "over-sensitive" if i felt upset about anything, so I'm struggling to know how to express the fact that I just feel really upset.

I don't really know where to start.  I feel overwhelmed and unable to see the wood for the trees.

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 6 and 1/2 years.  The first three years or so of our relationship was extremely loving and supportive, we were very close.  We were friends for 2 years before we got together, and we spent a lot of time laughing, and talking.  He was very easy to be around.  He has always been one of the best friends I've ever had.  My father was emotionally unavailable, and had periods of being physically violent, and raging towards me as I was growing up.  At some point in my relationship with my partner, my partner started to grow progressively more and more resentful towards me and started to rage at me.  I'm not meaning to take his inventory when I write this, and am trying to explain how it feels for me.  I joined al anon a year ago, when my partners brother was admitted to hospital with alcohol related heart problems.  Once I joined al-anon I realised there was a history in my family of alcoholism, and the associated behaviour patterns.  Shortly after joining al-anon I was introduced to coda, and have been going for meetings in both fellowships since.  About 6 months after I went into recovery, my partner went into a different 12 step programme.

I am trying really hard to detach with love, I know that I have ways of thinking that don't serve me, and are unhealthy and I try really hard to share those thoughts with my sponsor and not act on them around my partner.  But I don't always get it right and sometimes make a mess of it.  When that happens I try really hard to see my part in it all and apologise. I'm aware that my partner has that way of being too.

My partner isn't a bad man, and I'm not wanting to take his inventory here.  But he isn't acting in loving ways towards me right now, and I feel angry and hurt at his behaviour towards me, and frustrated with myself.  I have no idea how to assert myself with him, no idea how to set a boundary with him.  I am terrified of saying "no" to him in case he rages at me, rejects me and leaves me.  He repeatedly and continuously takes my inventory and its full of all the things he doesn't like about himself, but he absolutely believes that what he is saying is about me, and then uses this inventory as a reason for him to be furious with me.  Sometimes I feel like it wouldn't matter if I was in the room or not, he could have the conversation with himself and row with himself.  I find myself saying things like "I'm not thinking that, I don't think that about you, please get out of my head, you don't know what I'm thinking" and this seems to infuriate him.  He rages.   I honestly have no idea how to handle the situation at all, and feel completely battered after spending time with him.  It feels as if he uses me as a "thing" to hook his anger about himself onto and then run with it.  

My partner doesn't behave this way with anyone else.  He is charming, funny, kind, helpful and loving in all other areas of his life, except with me.  That's how he used to be with me, but isn't any more.  Sometimes there will be moments where he seems to come back to me, and he will hug me really tightly and say "I'm so sorry I project all my anger onto you, you are nothing to do with why I am so angry, and I'm so sorry", and then he'll disappear again for weeks emotionally, and the angry, resentful feeling he has will be all he shows me about himself for weeks.  I miss the man I fell in love with, and the way we used to laugh and have really happy times together.  Most of all I miss my friend.  I thought if I hung on for long enough he would come back, but instead he seems to be growing more and more resentful of me not rejecting him.  He asked me recently why I loved him, "I don't have any clue why you love me, I hate everything about myself."  

I keep asking myself why I keep going with the relationship, and don't seem to have an answer, then I go into self judgement and self-condemnation at not being able to walk away.  I feel so powerless over my own co-dependency, and so sad that I am allowing myself to be hurt like this, without knowing why I can't walk away. When I ask myself why I stay, the only answer I have is that it will be so lonely without him, and if I stay just a bit longer he might stop being angry with me, and then I get so sad,as that sounds just like something a little kid would say.

When I've talked about this before people have asked me "why do you stay?  you're still choosing to put yourself infront of him to be treated like this" and I go into self condemnation and fury at myself for not being able to do it differently.  

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Freya             

 

         

 



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Freya



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what im starting to do when im having a hard time is to try and show myself some compassion,as i would a friend who was going through the same....pray for courage too...God always gives strength and does for me what i cant do for myself....
Be good to you ..
serenity..

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T.Grimes


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Thanks Serenity,  I find being compassionate with myself really difficult.  Due to different things that happenend as I was growing up, I numbed out, and since being in recovery have started to get my feelings back.  They can come in waves and it can feel overwhelming.  

I met with my al-anon sponsor today and she reminded me about being compassionate with myself too.

I want to learn how to have loving and healthy responses towards myself when I feel hurt by someone else's behaviour.  At the moment I either freeze, lash out verbally or leave without saying truthfully how I feel.  Then I go into self-pity and self condemnation for not "doing better", and for allowing them to hurt me.  

I am beginning to understand that I reject myself when other people reject me, believing other people's judgements about me.  I find it really difficult to be on my side in a healthy and appropriate way.  Regardless of how my partner is behaving I could learn to have a healthy and loving response to him that is healthy and loving towards me and him, and isn't about care-taking or being afraid of the consequences of my choices.  Today, I don't really know how that would look or what I would do in that scenario, but that's just today.  

So, I guess if I'm being compassionate with myself, I could say, I was afraid and acted fearfully, and then I went into feeling self-pity, fear and victimised, and these were feelings I had and not facts about me.  I didn't need to do the stuff that I did after that which was to beat myself up for not doing it differently and to reject myself for not doing it differently.  I'm handing it over, and I'm asking my Higher Power to help me with this, I'm asking Him to help me know how to be compassionate with myself, and I'm asking Him to give me the courage to stay on my side and be loving and compassionate to me and whoever else is involved in the situation.  I'm also asking my Higher Power to help me understand that taking care of myself isn't rejecting someone else if I take care of myself in a loving way, and communicate my needs and intentions in a loving way.  And leaving a situation that feels abusive isn't rejecting someone else, it's taking care of myself.  I'm also asking my Higher Power to help me understand that what people think about me when I'm taking care of myself is none of my business, and how they choose to respond to it is their choice, I can't control that, and as soon as I become fearful of that and start to try and control that I have abandoned myself.  I've also realised I have the willingness to do it differently, and the awareness that I need to do it differently, which I didn't have six months ago.  

It makes it clearer for me if I write it out.  Thanks for letting me share.

Freya. 

 



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Freya



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Hello Freya,

Thank you so much for your honesty.  I could have written your post in the past.  What seems to have helped push me/us to the side of finding the solution was distance.  For us, we broke up - and I am not recommending you do that - but for me it was an opportunity to take a deep breath, get back in touch with myself.  It offered me the quiet time I needed to listen to myself.  I was miserable and to the point that all I felt toward him was anger and resentments.  The fear of leaving brought so much confusion to the whole thing.  If I go - I will be failing at this.  It will hurt him, he will lash out at me, it will hurt me . . . on and on.  We ended up back together but I believe the distance helped me see the path I wanted to take that I could not have otherwise seen.  It helped me decide I wanted to focus on the solution - learn about new behaviors and start practicing them.  One thing that was necessary to make this work was a partner who wanted the same thing . . . healing, recovery and love.  It does take two. 

If you don't live together - this could be just a small break - just some time off without breaking any commitments.  If you are living together perhaps this is a few days staying with friends or family.  Or perhaps you don't go anywhere at all, but just agree that you are both going to step away emotionally for a while.  Agree to be kind and loving and relax for a bit, step away from the problem emotionally so you can gather your strength and lose some of the confusion that the problem brings.  Leave all resentments at the door and just take a small vacation from the hurt & anger.

Once that was done and we were both calmed down I started practicing in small bites.  We were open to expressing how we each felt and examining the problem - but would only stay there briefly and shift our focus to the solution . . . how can we do this better?  I started saying how I feel and it felt really good.  We both made small changes which seemed to make huge improvements.  It is by no means perfect, but our focus has changed from pointing at the other person with condemnation to looking at ourselves, changing ourselves, taking care of ourselves which makes us better at being able to care for each other.

Definitely don't have the "answers", but that is what I did and there has been improvement.  I remember all too well the hurt you are suffering now - and that he must be suffering too.

Linistea



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Freya wrote:

Thanks Serenity,  I find being compassionate with myself really difficult.  Due to different things that happenend as I was growing up, I numbed out, and since being in recovery have started to get my feelings back.  They can come in waves and it can feel overwhelming.  

I met with my al-anon sponsor today and she reminded me about being compassionate with myself too.

I want to learn how to have loving and healthy responses towards myself when I feel hurt by someone else's behaviour.  At the moment I either freeze, lash out verbally or leave without saying truthfully how I feel.  Then I go into self-pity and self condemnation for not "doing better", and for allowing them to hurt me.  

I am beginning to understand that I reject myself when other people reject me, believing other people's judgements about me.  I find it really difficult to be on my side in a healthy and appropriate way.  Regardless of how my partner is behaving I could learn to have a healthy and loving response to him that is healthy and loving towards me and him, and isn't about care-taking or being afraid of the consequences of my choices.  Today, I don't really know how that would look or what I would do in that scenario, but that's just today.  

So, I guess if I'm being compassionate with myself, I could say, I was afraid and acted fearfully, and then I went into feeling self-pity, fear and victimised, and these were feelings I had and not facts about me.  I didn't need to do the stuff that I did after that which was to beat myself up for not doing it differently and to reject myself for not doing it differently.  I'm handing it over, and I'm asking my Higher Power to help me with this, I'm asking Him to help me know how to be compassionate with myself, and I'm asking Him to give me the courage to stay on my side and be loving and compassionate to me and whoever else is involved in the situation.  I'm also asking my Higher Power to help me understand that taking care of myself isn't rejecting someone else if I take care of myself in a loving way, and communicate my needs and intentions in a loving way.  And leaving a situation that feels abusive isn't rejecting someone else, it's taking care of myself.  I'm also asking my Higher Power to help me understand that what people think about me when I'm taking care of myself is none of my business, and how they choose to respond to it is their choice, I can't control that, and as soon as I become fearful of that and start to try and control that I have abandoned myself.  I've also realised I have the willingness to do it differently, and the awareness that I need to do it differently, which I didn't have six months ago.  

It makes it clearer for me if I write it out.  Thanks for letting me share.

Freya. 

 


This post really resonated with me (both parts)
I went through this a number of times, where everything you wrote about your SO -seemed- to be happening to me, I could have sworn on a stack of bibles my girl was displaying every single one of these behaviors, and it was causing me incredible grief and pain, making me become -triggered- and -causing- me to act out
She said the same thing about me, and we'd argue about who was the chicken, and who was the egg, and it would start a downward spiral that inevitably would result in a "time out" that lasted anywhere from 2 weeks to 6 months, then we'd begin again, the honeymoon stage would last -X- amount of time and the cycle would begin again, the slow then sudden disintregration and demise of intimacy and the relationship
For a long time since I was sure it was -all- her, I felt I didn't need to change, because I felt and acted this way because of her behavior, who wouldn't react poorly when she started "disappearing" emotionally and physically and started pushing me away?
Eventually I started responding differently and the strangest thing started happening, so did she, I had been -blaming- her, she had been blaming me, but when I started responding differently, she started reacting differently, of course she says the same thing lol
we share -triggers-, and we respond differently to them, she takes space when confronted with -any- uncomfortable emotion, or confrontation, or anything, her default setting is to take space, this triggers my abandonment stuff, and I go after her, this makes her feel crowded and stifled and off we go to the races, she running pell mell for the hills, me in full chase after her, and this dynamic is like giving our character defects crack, they erupt
the first few years the honeymoons got shorter and shorter, and the bad stuff got worse and worse, we took a fairly sizable time out and she sought recovery, took a year off from alcohol, went to a therapist, and got busy working the steps, the distance she has come in two years has been absolutely phenomenal but here we are again, she says when she changed, I changed, I of course with the superior wisdom that comes from being me, am sure the positive changes in our relationship are a result of me changing and getting active in my program again (I hear those boos, I'm JOKING)
At the end of the day I am learning it takes two to tango, it really does, and if we don't -don't play- the game doesn't happen, when I had the same -stuff- going on as your guy, with the breast beating and the suffering nobly, if I don't have an audience the game gets boring, as long as I am -engaging- I can blame -you- for my suffering, but when -you- aren't there, the realization is more along the lines of "look, I am sitting in a hot tub of my own poop, at first it's warm and comfortable, I have spent many a year here, but when everyone goes away I come to the realization of "I am sitting in a hot tub full of poop...no one put me here, and it's getting cold, and it's up to me to climb out"
Something I learned though (when I was in your husbands shoes) is when I doing my Hamlet speeched, my best Jesus on the cross rendition, it only plays well to an interested audience, with an uninterested one the performance falls flat, with a "that's nice dear, I love you" the wind is taken out of my sails...I can only play an effective martyr if I have an audience that co-signs my bull****, and since all my friends and now my girlfriend is in recovery, those are in short supply....dammit
The trick for me is to try and learn to maintain that center no matter what, working in restaurants I learned to keep cool and calm undre the most intense stress known to man, I have been to mass casualty incidents as a paramedic and restaurants are more stressful, but over the years I became Yoda, mikhail barishnakov of the restaurant world, then as a paramedic I learned how to remain calm when "-you- were in danger, when -you- were dying, I became Yoda again, so I started a new career, one where -MY- life was in danger, after 2 years of being a screaming mess, I became a laconic cowboy type again
all of this was nothing compared to learning how to navigate the emotional difficulty and turmoil I experienced when I was in your shoes, as Mike from "STarnger in a starnge land" says, "I am but an egg" meaning I am still new at this as well, but I have learned when I focus on me and my inventory I am getting different results, not always the one I wanted true, but different and different gives me something to work with

 

 



-- Edited by LinBaba on Tuesday 5th of April 2011 07:32:33 AM

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Thanks Linistea and Linbaba for taking the time to share your experiences.  It's really helped to know that other people have experienced "insanity" and have been able to do things for themselves to take care of themselves.  I go through periods of feeling like I'm having times of peace and serenity, and then I lose all of it when I get triggered by my partner, or a family member, and it can feel like I'm right back at the first step again, picking up my baggage and plodding through poop I've just thrown all over myself.  I love that picture of the hot tub full of poop LB, really made me smile.

When I came into recovery, I had no idea how much work I needed to do on myself, I just was so relieved to have someplace to take myself where people knew where I was coming from.  I was so focussed on my partner and what he was or wasn't doing.  Then my partner went into recovery and started to do things differently and I found myself all a bit at sea.  Now I feel like I'm learning how to be Freya all over again.  Dealing with feeling again isn't quite all it's cracked up to be.  I can find myself floored by a wave of emotions that just come over me and it can take days for me to be able to recognise and name what I'm feeling.  And I can get triggered in an instant and be at a complete loss as to how to recognise the feeling, name it, know where it came from, know how to feel it, know how to communicate it in a healthy and loving way to my partner, get out of the room safely and in a dignified manner...  Trying to do all that while my partner is triggered in the corner of the room and trying to do the same generally sees us both acting in ways that we wouldn't be best pleased if the general public saw...  if you know what I mean.

So, yesterday I told my partner I was taking some time to myself.  And he's doing the same.  I didn't justify it, or explain, just said that's what I'd like to do.  There were no rows.  Thanks Linistea, I know your post was about your experiences and not about giving advice, but I'd been thinking of needing to take some time to myself for a while but was wrapped up in the fearful thinking around what the consequences might be, and it helped to know I wasn't alone in that.

LB, your experiences around your partner taking space and that triggering you into chasing after her really resonates with me.  That's exactly the "dance" that my partner and I are doing.  He deals with his emotions by taking himself away, which is just like giving crack to my triggers, I'd never thought of it like that but it's true.  I go insane.  My thought patterns lose all sense of reality and I feel compelled to chase after him, he runs to the hills, I'm like a wee kid who no-one will play with, running up the hill after him with my bag of marbles, shouting after him, "please play with me!"  While he's got a look of fear in his eyes, "good lord, woman leave me the h*ll alone."  And I find it impossible to walk away without trying to make him not run away from me. The fear I have around him not being there when I come back is massive.  

When I was growing up my grandfather and my uncle both died, one after a long illness and one very suddenly, (I was very close to both of them) and during a period of several years several more family members had long illnesses and subsequently died.  I felt like I was losing all the people I ever loved, and there were gaping holes where they used to be.  They were the people in my family who were loving, demonstrative, and sensitive towards me, where my father felt cold and punishing, and my mum felt cloying.  I am always terrified of leaving my partner without resolving the row in case he isn't there when I come back. It's like "I have to fix this argument and make it right so that I can leave, I can't walk away without us saying something loving towards each other in case he pops it over night and the last words we ever say to each other are F-off."  I get to the door and then my throat tightens, and I feel terrified that by walking away I am somehow setting up the situation for him not to be there when I get back.  I just realised that it's right at that moment that I need to let go and let God.

I'm so grateful to have found this board and be able to share with you here, it is making the world of difference to me.

Freya.   



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