Relationships are like a dance, with visible energy racing back and forth between the partners.  Some relationships are the slow, dark dance of death.  - Colette Dowling

Up to this point, the author has been using stories from others to give examples of the different ways codependency is exhibited in their lives.  But what is Codependent?

"The obvious definition would be: being a partner in dependency."  But that is still vague.  When the author wrote this book, there was not much available on the subject and the definitions seemed unclear or full of jargon.  So she tries to define Codependent / Codependency for us.

What is Codependency?

Melody gives many short definitions of Codependency from authors, specialists and codependents themselves.  Ernie Larsen, a specialist in the field says, "Those self-defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate or to participate in loving relationships."

Some codependents say things like, "It means I'm always looking for someone to glob onto."  "Codependency means I'm up to my elbows in alcoholics", says another.  Some therapists say "Codependency is anything, and everyone  is codependent."

To better understand she walks through the history of Codependency.

A Brief History

The word codependent seems to have appeared in the late 70's and it is unclear where it originated.  Originally it was used to solely describe those people whose lives had been affected by people who were chemically dependent.  It had been long suspected that this set of people, who were not chemically dependent, shared similar traits to the addicts in their lives - be it physical, mental, emotional or spiritual.  Supporting this theory we see that soon after the creation of Alcoholics Anonymous, another support group was founded called Al-Anon.  This group was primarily wives of alcoholics who needed help in dealing with how their spouses' alcoholism affected them. 

So, when the term Codependent emerged in the late 70's it was assumed it meant "were people whose lives has become unmanageable as a result of living in a committed relationship with an alcoholic."

As time has passed we have come to understand more about codependency.  More has been learned about the dynamic of families that contain one or more persons with compulsive disorders, not just alcoholism, such as overeating, gambling, and so on.  The more this was examined, the more it became apparent that many people are codependent.  This could include adult children of alcoholics, parents of problematic children, people in relationships with irresponsible people and those in "care-taking" professions such as nurses or counselors.  Even some recovering alcoholics came to the realization that they may have been codependent long before they exhibited signs of alcoholism.

There is a common family trait seen in codependency.  It is seen in the alcoholic family structure, but other families as well.  Families that have rules that prohibit free expression of feelings, being human, being vulnerable, playing or having fun, trust and openness. 

There are a lot of different people, family structures, examples of codependency and how it has manifested and exhibited.  So what is the definition?  All of them.  "I'm no trying to confuse you.  Codependency has a fuzzy definition because it is a gray, fuzzy condition.  It is complex, theoretical, and difficult to completely define in one or two sentences."

With that said, the author does try to define it in one sentence - with the hope that all the history given will help you understand this short version more completely:

"A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior."

She goes on to explain who this "other person" is.  It may be anyone.  But the core of the issue is not them, as much as we don't like that.  It is ourselves.  It is about how we let others affect us, our "other-centeredness", and the harming behaviors we exhibit.  Some professionals believe that it is a progressive disease, an illness, while others don't. 

Melody believes the codependent condition goes back as far as humans.  She states that there have always been people who care too much, try to control, believe they deserve less, and make themselves sick around the behavior of others.  It is not about Codependents being "bad", they do good deeds.  It is about what their "need to help" does to themselves.  "As Thomas Wright writes in an article from the book Co-Dependency, An Emerging Issue, 'I suspect codependents have historically attacked social injustice and fought for the rights of the underdog.  Codependents want to help.  I suspect they have helped.  But they probably died thinking they didn't do enough and were feeling guilty.'"

The word to focus on with Codependency is "react".  "Codependents are reactionaries.  They overreact.  They underreact.  But rarely do they act."  Melody does not come to the conclusion that Codependency is a disease, but she does feel it is progressive.  Small issues they react to can get blown out of proportion and cause depression, anxiety, and even thoughts of suicide.  "Codependency may not be an illness, but it can make you sick.  And, it can help the people around you stay sick."  It causes behaviors that keep of us from having healthy relationships, most importantly, with ourselves.

Activities

1.  How would you define codependency?
2.  Do you know anybody that has significantly affected your life, somebody what you worry about and wish you could change?  Who?  Write several paragraphs about that person and your relationship.  Later, read what you wrote.  What are your feelings?