Dealing with a situation at work yesterday made me start thinking, I truly do work for a crazy man, and it's so hard to keep my center when he starts throwing little temper tantrums, stomping his little feet, being insulting and demeaning, even his compliments are demeaning, he lives in one of the most distorted realities I have ever come across, and I have come across a few pretty distorted realities, including my own, I started thinking about his "know it all" behavior and his little temper tantrums and was looking through some old posts I wrote on another forum, so the following is some old stuff I wrote, some stuff someone I really admires wrote (Anvilhead), and all kind of gelled in a stream of consciousness as I listened to music and drank coffee
He views himself as perfect even though he is a train wreck of accidents, last week he tore a tire off the truck turning a corner too fast, he breaks something every day all the while screaming, yelling, blaming everyone else for his accidents, he literally looks around for someone to blame, and if he thinks no one is listening he WILL actually say, "yeah, Andrew broke that, accidents happen" then sigh deeply, then go back to micromanaging everyone around him because they don't "do it right", no one else breaks anything, I train new people to stay away from him while he is working and be aware of him at all times because I make them keenly aware he will literally kill them by not paying attention, they have to pay attention to protect themselves from him
Anyway: I've decided I know what's best for HIM, LOLOL so I found this next bit I wrote
Sometimes I get stuck in a boggy morass because I am asking the wrong questions, first of all I am incredibly intelligent and my problem solving capabilities are well above norm just ask me, I"ll be happy to tell you, so I "know" what's best for me and frequently others, and I'll tell them too, "well your problem is ___- and to solve it you need to ______ "
Objective viewing of this behavior shows less then stellar results fairly consistently, especially when it comes to seeing myself objectively.
Some years back I was having a pretty difficult situation in a relationship, I THOUGHT my big problem was "how can I communicate effectively or effectively set boundaries". I was WRACKING my brains for a solution, and the more attempts I made to communicate and 'set" boundaries, the worse the situation got.
The harder I tried the more upset I got, she got, and quite frankly I was beginning to upset and bore the people around me a bit. Dogs would bark at me when I walked by, babies would cry, and I got mistaken for Dick Cheney at a particularly bad moment at one point.
So about a year ago I'm talking to a friend of mine, the guys a frickin emotional neanderthal but I'm at the end of my rope here, I need help.
He listens to my whole litany of woe, at the end of it he says, "Andrew...(long pause)...what do you DO?"
"Huh???? Well I .... (long relationship explanation)"
He interrupts me, "NO, what do you DO????"
"Long explanation about how crazy she makes me etc blah blah"
He interrupts me again, clearly getting frustrated with trying to get through to my incredibly obtuse and thick skull, "NO Andrew, what do you do all the time, all day, every day, for YOU, what occupies your attention? what inspires you?"
He said, "You know if you just got inspired by something and started doing something for YOU, you wouldn't have TIME for all this CRAP!!!! you'd be busy focusing on that and yourself and not on HER!!!!! What happened to surfing? I see your motorcycle is dusty. So is your bicycle, your skateboard, you're not sculpting, you know if you put 1/2 the energy on yourself as you do on this inane nonsense it wouldn't happen!!!!"
.......
It helps to know what "the problem" is.
Usually it's me
trying to solve it.
with the same mind that created the problem in the first place.
My problem wasn't trying to set boundaries or communicate, it was something entirely different, but as long as I concentrated on trying to "solve" the problem, the problem increased, partially because my "communication" was trying to get her to see things from MY point of view, and my "boundaries" were efforts at behavior modification.
Drove me F'ing nuts.
Sometimes trying to solve the problem IS the problem
In The Te of Piglet, Hoff cites the story of the Old Master and the cantankerous horse as an example of this.
A horse was tied up before a shop in a narrow street, and everyone who tried to pass behind it was driven back by its wild kicks. A crowd of villagers gathered around the shop and debated about the best way to slide past the horse, and, as luck would have it, the Old Master was seen coming towards them. Everyone agreed that he would know exactly what to do to pass the obstreperous animal. “The crowd watched eagerly as the Old Master came around the corner, saw the horse, turned, and walked down another street.”
It's like dating someone for their potential, which is a HUGE gesture in futility, because what we are really saying is: ok so (s)he's really a piece of garbage right now, but DANG gimme a couple of weeks and i bet (s)he cleans up real good and then (s)he'll be somewhat suitable, I can even remake them over in my own image, I mean who are WE to determine anyone's else POTENTIAL? what is THAT anyways? do we really have some special all knowing powers that we see another's future, their destiny?
every body on the planet has POTENTIAL....we are not static beings, if nothing else we will at the very least grow older. it's rather conceited for us to nominate ourselves as their MUSE, their inspiration, that is us taking owner ship of another person's growth. we let ourselves believe they will change BECAUSE of us....and then we get to feel like heroes, demi-gods recreating people in our own likeness.
what a horrible demeaning thing to say to someone, it's like handing them a note that reads:
i really can't stand you much as your are, except on those few rare nice days. but you usually manage to end up ruining those too. however, because i am such a saint, i am willing to WAIT for you completely change everything about you that i find distasteful, and by the way here's the list of positive qualities that i've determined you MUST have inside you somewhere, for i swear i saw them once. now if you would please get busy, i'm only willing to wait half my life on you and i don't want to get so old i don't have enough speed to track down another subject, and if you DON'T get busy, I will shove them down your throat and use every method in my not incosiderable arsenal of passive aggressive control tactics to "help" you along. -Love, Dr. Frankenstein.
I've actually been focusing a bit on the solution lately, and strangely enough, the solution is increasing, and there has been no difficulty with communication because the communication is not really dressed up efforts at behavioral modification.
I remember when the success of my relationship relied on my girlfriend changing instead of me
I ended up barking F'ing mad, i mean completely around the bend batsh1t crazy.
I have never seen a more clear cut set of directions designed to completely drive me insane then that, a relationship that relied on me changing the other person
No one EVER "dragged" me into anything in my life, or "made" me do anything I didn't want to do, not really, I ALWAYS made a decision based on self that placed me in a position to be hurt, they may have stole the car but it's always been because I left the keys in the ignition in the first place, then after the first few car crashes, when quasi intelligent people leave, and take the bus or get a different car or at least drive themselves, I say "Let's go again" then say it's 'their" fault when we crash again, I end up p1ssed at "them" because they and their driving are so obviously the problem a child could see it and I ride around in the car with them, letting them drive, going where they want to go, doing what they want to do as I frantically shout instructions from the passenger seat getting angrier and angrier because I am obviously a better driver and know much better then they do and telling anybody who will listen about our car crashes to get sympathy.
What a drain of a perfectly good life.
I'm onna go back to driving my own car. I really do, this job makes me sad
I am CONSTANTLY , nearly daily, in the most stupid and inane but painful way possible having to relearn the lesson it's not about getting other people to behave or change, but changing me and my focus, and deciding whether or not to pick up all the garbage they dump and carry it around and then dump it on others, or just simply walk down a different street.
-- Edited by LinBaba on Sunday 10th of April 2011 08:27:48 AM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
"I have never seen a more clear cut set of directions designed to completely drive me insane then that, a relationship that relied on me changing the other person"
I became insane for trying to change my husband. Only took me 26 years to realize it after I reluctantly crawled through the doors of al-anon. They say we will not regret the past... but I do, it took a helluva long time to learn that lesson. I thought it was all about him being an assoholic. I realized it was me. It was ME who had harmed myself, not him. I have made amends to him... amends to myself are still in the works.
Unfortunately, I've had to learn the lesson again. I had started an online relationship with a man from the opposite side of the planet who was a sex-addict (nope, didn't scare me away, I "admired" him for his "honesty") and we chatted every single day. We met at the International Convention last year, had a glorious time, and afterwards, tried to plan a future together. In the dark recesses of my mind... he would have to change. Of course, I did not lead him to believe that, I wanted him to believe I was completely accepting of him as he was. I had this spiritual superiority-thing with him, I made him believe I was such a profoundly loving person. Yet I knew I would NEVER be able to accept him as-is. I knew it was not a trustworthy relationship, but I could not end it. I could not stop my addiction to him.
I was intoxicated by his attention (not to mention, the aussie accent) ... and the illusion that he would eventually change for me, be for me what I needed to feel loved and safe. After all, he was in a program of recovery, just like me. He would recover with me... for me... and as a result of me!
Of course, I do not want to be that person anymore. I am forcing myself to look at my childhood and this forum is helping me to do that. In the past, I had simply decided to offer a blanket of forgiveness to my parents for the past. As a parent myself, I had tried my best, therefore I decided that surely they did too... so, I'll just not look at any of it anymore... forgive 'em and sweep it all under the rug. Today I know, that is not the solution and it's not even about crucifying my parents, it's about figuring out why I am so ridiculous in relationships.
I recently began dating a wonderful, brilliant man however........ not so great intimately. So far, I have led him to believe that all is well. But it's really not. And once again, I just don't know how to handle it. I don't want to end it because.... well, that would mean I'm alone again. My brain is like, it's better to have someone, than no one. But he left today after a long weekend together, and I just felt bitter afterwards. I realized something was wrong after I scarfed a whole box of girl scout cookies that I was saving for my daughter. Then, as you mention, the universe always holds a mirror... suddenly everyone I meet... on the road or in the supermarket... everyone is an effing a**hole... getting in my effing way!!
Does this mean I have to end the relationship? Or...... will he change?? (sigh)
geez, all I really wanted to do was click on "Like." Your post stirred things up for me, LB, and sometimes I just don't have words for what's really going on.... Thank you for the post.
-- Edited by gladlee on Sunday 10th of April 2011 06:26:22 PM
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"See the work. Do the work. Stay out of misery." -Maharishi
I can really relate to this, especially in light of how I've done things differently this week with my partner. I have spent 6 and 1/2 years basically telling him that what he's doing isn't good enough either directly or manipulatively, and regardless of his stuff, it's a wonder my partner isn't twitching like that chief of police in the inspector clueso movies with peter sellers. I have literally told him what to wear, how to deal with his daughters (can't believe I even went any where near that minefield...), what he should or shouldn't say to his mother (I know), how he should handle his money, how he should clean his house, how close he should or shouldn't stand next to me at parties, as I look back now I can see quite clearly how I have had something judgemental and critical to say about pretty much every area of his life. The thing is, I remember how I felt when I was criticising him and it wasn't that I thought he was wrong, I was afraid of him abandoning me, and so I looked for things that to my distorted way of thinking were evidence that he was going to be hot-footing it round the corner and over the hills anytime soon and thought that if I could "fix" the situation he wouldn't go anywhere. So far, the results of this strategy have not proven themselves to be too top notch...
My parents were both very critical and still can be. I spent years arguing with my dad, who was an angry, explosive and often physically violent person and years avoiding arguing with my mum (who rules with moods, sulking, ignoring and stony silences that can go on for weeks, then she suddenly pops out from under her dark cloud and all the bile she spewed while she was under it is never mentioned again). when I met my partner and started to get very close to him I automatically and completely unknowingly adopted the behaviour of both of my parents. Cue stony silences, sulking, frosty anger, verbal abuse and determined power-plays. I became an emotional bully. No matter how many times my partner told me I was being controlling, I didn't get it, I didn't see that that's what I was doing. I had no clue that I was sitting in the passenger seat telling him how to drive the car.
