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Post Info TOPIC: Sick and tired of being sick and tired.


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Sick and tired of being sick and tired.
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I'm really struggling with myself. I've stopped blaming other people for the state of my life and can see how I've made choices right down the line that left me open to be hurt and emotionally battered, when other people would have walked away. I'm looking at my life and the state it's in and feel so much sadness and grief around how I've abandoned myself so much throughout my life. I have no idea how to relate to myself in a healthy loving way, I don't like myself that much, and can see really clearly how I've used other people's problems as a way of avoiding taking responsibility for myself. I feel like I'm at the bottom of a really huge mountain, a massive climb back up to "sanity" and I don't know where to even start. I don't know how to function without the drama and fighting, I have no idea how to feel peace and serenity as it feels like my mind has no clue what to do with that, at the moment it feels "boring". I'm sitting here at home with a million and one things that I could be doing and I feel frozen. I hold myself in such little value that I can't see the point in doing anything to take care of myself. It's so horrible to see the reality of this. I am terrified of myself and what's on the inside of me (my thoughts about myself). Before coming to recovery, I was numbed out and wasn't aware of the thoughts I had which are so self-hating. I've just taken my 7th step in al-anon and have become very aware now of my thought patterns and how hard I am on myself, and it really frightens me. I realise that the biggest battle I've been fighting for years has been with myself, and that when I was able to focus on other people's pain and drama I got a break from my own. I don't want to do that any more, my relationships have all been painful and lonely, I haven't met my needs and the other person hasn't been able to meet my needs. I've had enough of doing that. So now I'm sitting with myself and seeing the reality of the fact I have no clue how to relate to me. I'm trying to stay with myself but I feel like I'm going to explode. I think I'm actually addicted to fighting and if there's no fight I have to create one to ease the internal tension. I know I'm powerless over other people, but I feel powerless over my own insanity! Has anyone else felt like this?   



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Freya



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Yes, I have felt like that. As a matter of fact I feel like that right now. I'm struggling with inforcing my boundrys, knowing that it meens my life, and feeling like I want to pound on the gate to get on the rolercoaster " the Life Force Crusher-X ".   I have so many things I need or can do but find no motavation to do them. I woke up this morning with an extreemily strong resolve to stand my ground and not let the drunken, lying, cheeting, thief back in and take care of Bill, and just 10 min ago started thinking I should give it another chance. And the turbulence of emotions are peaking. I need to shut my head down, so instead of sitting here and thinking about all the things I'm not doing, could be doing, am gonna do, and do nothing,  I'm gonna hit the 3pm meeting at the alano club. Your not alone Freya, and you sharing this today makes me see that niether am I.  Thank you 



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"Sometimes the lights are all shining on me - other times I can barely see - Lately its occurred to me - what a long strange trip its been."   Robert Hunter 



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Thank you for being here, sharing your feelings & struggle, Freya. I appreciate where you're at & I know on a good day you make amazing moves towards being incredibly loving to you through the strength & love you receive in your connection with your Higher Power. Equally for me, recovery behaviours seem to wax & wane in small ripples & elongated waves.

Every day is different now although sometimes they can feel the same too when I'm feeling sad, at a loss & unable to feel confident about my future. That's why I'm deeply grateful to have this program & these processes to return to even if I've drifted in distraction for whatever amount of time. 

Your story reminds me of my own desperate & uncertain emotion in early recovery when I was flying on blind faith, hoping I'd be able to change & be able to do things differently. Even though I'm always at the forefront & cusp of my recovery, it is surprising when I look back just how much things have improved that I've not been aware of because I'm so busy being interested in growing a whole new personality by the weekend!

I see maybe some of this for you at the moment while you're finding your legs. I had to keep remembering that I was in the middle of a process & that I wouldn't quite reach dry land until I was well into my maintenance steps. It's true that I can sometimes struggle today because I still have my condition to deal with but I don't struggle with half the practicalities that I did in the beginning & half way through.

I don't think I felt a comfortable stride until I was 2/3 years into recovery & practicing this program. I know everyone's different but this is my experience & I want to offer you the hope that it will get easier & the promises keep coming true.

I can feel your discomfort & confusion at the moment, Freya but I can also tell you of the beauty you have, the gentleness, the love & empathy you have for others & your ability to be good to you when you remember! I've grown out of a lot of old behaviours & I'm pretty sure they won't be back for as long as I keep doing what I'm doing. Like I said there's ebbs & flows but in amongst All of that is constant improvement.

You are growing so much, Freya & I'm truly joyful to witness & feel a part of that. You are beautiful & You Are a Miracle in Progress! Your Higher Power can & will restore you to sanity. Keep trusting in this process. Love & fellowship, Danielle x  



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Thanks Billyjack and Danielle,

It means so much to know that you can relate to my feelings and can give me messages of love and hope.  I feel so alone in this stuff at times, and find it so hard to know how to pick myself up and move forward.  It's good to know I'm not alone.

Sending love and light,

Freya 



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Freya



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I do not personally share your experience . . . I am the opposite.  I run from any turbulence at all.

I just wanted to say you are NOT alone.   There are a lot of things I have heard in recovery that have proved to be true for me.  Right acting leads to right thinking.  Fake it until you make it.  Just come in, sit down, do what you are told and it will get better.

Granted, most of that I heard in AA and getting sober and doing the steps is a HUGE life turn around but many of us turned around and stared Codependency in the face.  Then here we are.  But - I believe we can still use the same priniciples.  Start taking care of yourself little bits at a time.  You are on step 7 - that is AWESOME.  In my experience there was still more to be revealed in the remaining steps.  Steps 10 - 12 help you take care of yourself daily.  You do not have to do this overnight.  Small things.  A 5 min walk.  A hot bath.  A special treat purchased just to make you smile.  Who knows, but you can start really small and build on that.  You are doing the work.  You will continue to grow and you will never "graduate".  It seems like a huge mountain, but you don't have to climb all of it today.  You can take one step at a time.

For me, learning to love myself was not something that just happened overnight.  It took practice.

Yours in recovery,

Linistea



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Hi Linistea,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. I'm determined to keep going with the programme as nothing I've done through self-will has worked for me and my life has been a mess.  But I find it hard to keep faith in myself, the programme and my HP when I'm feeling afraid, which is quite a lot of the the time, as it happens! So I keep going to meetings, keep talking wtih my sponsor and other friends in the programme and keep doing what they said worked for them, in the hope that it will work for me too.

I really appreciate your support and the support of everyone here on the board.

Thank you.

Freya 



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Freya



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Hi Freya,

I am a little behind you on step 5 i can see how my co dependency has impacted my life and the fear has overwhelmed me.  I am off work at the moment and have been suffering from depression and panic attacks, I believe it is because it is the first time I am truleu facing the reality of what i have been doing to myself.  I have anaged to stop minding everyone elses problems however onlt today i realsied how tuff i am on me.  the demands and expectations I put on myself are madness no wounder I am in bits.  I think this is a new part of my recovery my Hp now wants me to earn how to love myself and to tell you the truth I have not got a clue.  So i have taken time off work to rest, went out for lunch with a friend today and a biggy is asking for help when I need it.  Thanks for your share its nice to know i am not the only one struggling.

 

hugs



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Freya,

Thank you so much for sharing with us. I'm barely through Step 2. I thought I would feel liberated, like a weight had been lifted after I started this process but, the truth is, I have had to go through something akin to withdrawal. I had to face the shameful, horrible truth that I alone am to blame for so many of my problems. Maybe not my family of origin stuff, but all that I've done since then to perpetuate the problem. Once you let go of the smug belief that other people are to blame...that you are somehow a victim, you have to really look at yourself. And that is painful and terrifying. What has also helped me is to stop blaming myself. One year ago, I never could have said out loud "I am sick". I would never even accept that about myself, and no way would I utter those words out loud. How humiliating!! I can say those words now without embarassment or guilt, just as I can say "I am controlling," or "I am insecure." without feeling shame.

From your post it is evident that you are doing the requisite self-examination and that's very good. That's more than a lot of people in this world do. Maybe you just need to get through the "withdrawal" period as well before you can begin to heal.

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Thanks Tracy and Myopia1964. I can really relate to your thoughts and feelings around this.

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Freya

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