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Post Info TOPIC: Dating question...


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Dating question...
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Dear Friends,

I am writing in haste, but I am so curious to know your perspective regarding a person whom you are dating that continues to maintain a "friendship" with their former lovers/spouse.  Personally, I have a "friendly" rapport with my ex-husband, and to me, that is a miracle, it could ONLY have happened with the help of a 12-step program...  accepting life on life's terms.  He is the father of my children and for that reason, we will always have a tie.

I am currently dating a man who continues to meet and do favors for his former lovers because he says they are still friends.  He has also said that I will meet them some day.  And although I have not expressed any feelings to him about it yet, inside I feel wild with ... what?  suspicion that the relationship is not "complete" or over or...  what?  What would the motive be for continuing to meet with a former lover?  I don't understand it, especially when there are no children involved. 

I know I have childhood issues of abandonment ...  but, how do I really address that?  I'm aware of it, but it's not helping...? 

I look forward to the fellowship perspective, thank you.



-- Edited by gladlee on Monday 11th of April 2011 01:05:18 PM

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I am friends with all my exes as well, some more then others obviously but i maintain ties with all of them. some (most) only via facebook but a few i talk to on the phone and one is one of my closest friends. when i was growing up and moved to marin and saw ex husbands and ex wives doing things together with their new spouses i reacted much as you did, but now it just makes sense, hard to explain but these are women where there is no hidden agenda and i am free to be myself, most either got sober or were already in AA but i am friends even with the normies, it took adjustment for my present gf to get used to that. anyhow, linbaba says .not a red flag. if they know about you and you know about them, exes become some of the best friends we get in this life in my experience

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Hi Gladlee,

I have experience of this situation and I really tussled over it for a long time, unsure whether I was being insecure due to abandonment issues, or whether there were really grounds to feel insecure.  Until a year ago my partner kept in touch with an ex of his and they would meet up for coffee.  I really struggled with it but couldn't put my finger on why.  I think it really all depends on what each persons motives are behind the friendship/wanting to keep in touch and whether like you say they have unfinished business. 

I think, for me, it all depends on how honest a person is being with themselves, how consciously they are relating to others and themselves, and how lovingly they are communicating that to you, if that makes sense.  In my experience people tell themselves a lot of things to justify behaviour that may be crossing a boundary (I know I do), whether that be to justify drinking or the fact that they get "emotional strokes" from remaining in a friendship with someone they've dated.  I've only ever known one person who maintained a healthy relationship with an ex, and that is a female friend of mine who lives very consciously and sets very clear, healthy boundaries in all her relationships.  She is friends with her ex and also her ex's wife, and they meet together for lunch and mutual friendship between all three of them, not just her and her ex.  She also holds no residual feelings of wanting to be in a relationship with her ex, she cares about her ex's wife as much as she cares about her ex.  She is the person I spoke to around my confusion when my partner remained friends with his ex-gf, and she helped me understand what I was comfortable and uncomfortable with around their friendship and what was my responsibility and what was controlling.  I don't believe my partner was ever unfaithful physically or emotionally with his ex, but I think he did get emotional strokes from being friends with her.

My partner told me that if I didn't want him to be friends with his ex-gf he wouldn't keep in contact with her.  I didn't want to be the person who controlled who he was friends with so told him it was his choice, but I did tell him what I was comfortable with and uncomfortable with, and set some boundaries around that(not discussing our relationship with her, not using her as a confidante).  I was always included in any arrangements to meet for coffee, and did meet her.  I did find that this brought up my trust issues massively, and did a lot of work around letting go, and trusting my partner after I had told him how I felt.  My partner told me when ever she had been in touch and never met her without my prior knowledge.  

I have no clue if my response to my partner and his friendship with his ex is healthy or whether I've been a right mug.  I am only just beginning to see the full extent of my co-dependency and am quite willing to admit that I've made a complete balls of every relationship I've ever been in, so I'm not one to offer anything other than my own experience...  

Freya     



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Freya



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Thank you both, I am reminded though, that we will never know what anyone's true intentions are. geez, sometimes I don't even know my own! I try to be honest with myself, but I am certainly capable of covering a bad motive with a good one. LB, how can you truly know that they have no hidden agenda? Can you really know? How intimately do you share as friends?

To me, it seems like an ego-need to keep the relationships going. If my man-friend wants that, I guess I have a decision to make. I do not want to try to change him, and I don't want him having a resentment trying to make me happy, as you say, Freya. I also don't want to be so effing codie that I will lose a very nice man because of my insecurities surrounding abandonment!

I understand that the goal is never to burn bridges, but to build them. But how can there not be an attachment to someone you keep in your life?

(sigh)

my brain.... round and round and round...... the ol' squirrel cage-thing again



-- Edited by gladlee on Monday 11th of April 2011 05:12:31 PM

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If I am not mistaken it is early in your relationship.  While watching for certain red flags early is important - something I was horrible at - some things take time to build trust around.  Communication and compromise can help navigate some sticky situations.  Being single and friends with ex's is completely normal IMO.  What they do when in a committed relationship is a different story.

My gut is very good at telling me when something is out of line.  I have been with men who had friends as ex's and it was absolutely no big deal.  We would even all hang out together and their behavior was respectable and they treated me very well which enforced the strength of our relationship.  In fact, now that I think about it, in those relationships they always had me with them or they didn't spend time with them alone.  Phone conversations yes, but alone together - no.  I felt REALLY respected.

Then there are those where I was not respected and I allowed myself to be treated poorly.  No one's fault but my own.  It was obvious and all the men friends in my life got bared teeth and bad names yet they wanted complete freedom. 

Didn't need to worry about it ahead of time - I knew when I knew.  What I did with the information was the important part.

It is early.  Just be careful, take care of you, and make sure you are respected and listened to.

Linistea



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qladee, codependents don't end relationships (usually). They prefer to keep the door open in case a present or future relationship doesn't work out and *qasp* they miqht have to be alone for a week or two. To me, if someone is still emotionally involved in a previous relationship, how can they be emotionally available to me? And what kind of baqqaqe are they carryinq?

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Dean


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glad, in answer to your quesion, like Linistea said and like a therapist told me once, we learn to trust our gut.

this interested me so i googled it and 99.9999 percent of the responses all said positive things about this, it shows a level of maturity, I mean what if all his exes hated him? I'm much more comfortablr dating a girl that has some exes as friends then one who hates and blames all her exes, tells me quite a bit about her seeing how she treats dogs and exes. my girl has some exes she still talks to on the phone and may even bump into on business trips, this is a non issue for me as long as she's up front about it, what has historically made my eyes spin in my head is when someone tries to hide that sort of thing from me or lies about it, when they say "who him? oh thats just a friend and turn bright red and leave the room when that person calls is when i get weird. and it's not that it's an ex, it's the lying and evasions that sets my alarm bells ringing.

there are things to watch out for sure, the biggest being if he lies about it, hides it, spends more time with her then you, etc but as linistea says it's early so observation and communication is key here, the truth is only knowing the guy for two weeks you know nothing about him except you two are moving WAY fast, but if it continues let him know that is strange and akward for you since your experience is limited to a long term break up, so let him know you do feel a bit strange about it. be careful though because the biggest red flag of being in an unhealthy relationship that is controlling is someone who tries to isolate you from your friends, well that, someone who lies and instant intimacy, and this is only two weeks in? take it slow, something i learned is they ALWAYS give you the information if you listen. I am friends with my exes because they are nice people, the relationship didn't work then and none of us are interested in trying to make it work now, we're friends, but i don't know if it's true in his case, if it were me, i always do the reading, and the reading tells me he will treat you like he treated them, and to watch for relationships that move too fast, watch for lies, manipulations. and if he belittles you or tries to isolate you from your friends, and i would try to pay attention to do none of those things myself.

there is no such thing as instant intimacy, being intimate with someone, truly intimate takes years, i have paid dearly learning that lesson

there's no rush, you will find out in due time what kind of man he is. the trick is not lose yourself before that happens, healthy relationships evolve slowly, now admitted this relationship i am in now started a bit like fire ready aim, but she's working on herself, i am working on myself, and we've had to take some pretty sizable time outs in the last 4 years

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