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Post Info TOPIC: Starting to do things differently


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Starting to do things differently
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I haven't seen or contacted my partner for over a week after telling him last week that I wanted some time to myself.  I've spent the week practically sitting on my hands so that I didn't call him or go and visit him.  I haven't done either.  Coming here to the board and reading people's shares and experiences has really helped me able to focus on my co-dependent behaviour.  Over on the al-anon board I read what someone shared "They'll either drink or they won't drink, what are you going to do?"  and I had a bit of lightbulb moment.  In my head it was, "he'll either dump you or he won't dump you, what are you going to do?  He'll either call you or he won't call you what are you going to do?  He'll either cheat on you or he won't cheat on you, what are you going to do? (all my big fears, my partner has never cheated on me)"  It all kind of slotted into place for me that my behaviour is my responsibility and that no matter what he did I had a choice about the kind of person I wanted to be and what I wanted to choose for myself.

Having not heard from him in over a week, I got a call from my partner yesterday.  He told me that he'd decided he didn't want to be in a relationship right now and wanted a break.  It then felt like he started to take my inventory, telling things I'd done to really hurt him, and how since being in recovery he realised that he could choose not to be a part of that any more.  His inventory of me seemed to contain things about himself that he doesn't like, as well as a list of my defects of character, which was really hard to hear, it was really hard not to lash out.  There was no mention at all of his anger or raging, or his defects of character.  He told me he had realised It was never going to change and it felt like the implication was that it was never going to change because I was always going to keep doing the same things. No mention of his hurtful behaviour towards me.     

I listened to what he was saying and didn't react.  He asked me if I had anything to say to him.  I took a deep breath and did it completely differently than I've done it in the past.  I didn't engage with any of the blame he was giving.  Instead, I acknowledged that there were things I did that I didn't like doing and that I had been working very hard to change those behaviours.  I apologised for any hurt I had caused him in not being able to do things differently.  I told him that I agreed with him, that our relationship wasn't currently very healthy and that we were both doing things to hurt each other.  I told him that I never intended to hurt him but could see that I had behaved in hurtful ways towards him (control, criticism, judgement, manipulation, verbal abuse, point scoring).  I told him that I held certain beliefs about myself that I found it very difficult to deal with and that I was working very hard in recovery to change those beliefs about myself and how I do things in relation to other people, especially him.  I also told him that I agreed that it was a good idea that we took a longer break for a while and didn't see or conact each other, as I wanted to spend time dealing with myself.

In the past I'd have done anything to make him not "abandon" me.  I could feel the panic and fear rising up as I was talking to him, and I was able to state my truth without judging him or blaming him.  I kept having the thought, "don't react, keep it with you, keep the focus on you".  It was really hard to not reat to what he was saying and I realised there wasn't anything I could do about how he saw our relationship.  I realised I was in the hardware store and there was no point in me asking for bread, or explaining how I thought the bread should be made. I just thought, "What kind of person do you want to be?"  I realised for the first time that blame isn't about me, it's about the other person not being able to look at or see their own stuff.  I realised that scoring petty points to be right doesn't mean anything other than hurting yourself, the other person and the relationship.  I realised that my partner was trying to do something to take care of himself by taking time out from the relationship, and that that was new behaviour for him.  I realised that I didn't want to chase someone who right now doesn't seem able to see how much work I was doing to change my way of being, and isn't able to have compassion for the things I find difficult about myself.  They either saw it or they didn't, what was I going to do?  I realised that I have spent years doing the same thing as my partner was doing yesterday and didn't want to do that anymore.  So I told him I had always loved him very much and was sorry I hadn't been able to show him as well as I would have liked that that was how I felt.  Then we said goodbye.  I handed it all over and asked my HP to help me let go.  

For years, I've been blaming my partner for my behaviour towards him and realised if I waited for him to change before I changed, nothing was ever going to change in my life.  

I feel really sad that it's come to this point, I feel really gutted that my partner hasn't acknowledged his anger, towards me and his raging at me, or any of his defects of character, and that to him, the state of our relationship is all down to me, but I woke up this morning and felt good about my self and the choices I made during the conversation yesterday. I haven't felt good about myself in a very long time. 

Thank you for helping me see things differently.  I am so grateful for this place to come and share.     



-- Edited by Freya on Tuesday 12th of April 2011 07:13:53 AM

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Freya



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wow, been there, done that, all of it, i've been both sides of that coin, as i took my gf's inventory and blamed my behaviors on her, she was saying the exact same thing about me....truth to tell it was very confusing, the stuff she was saying i did to her i viewed her doing to me...in another forum a man wrote about how he got back together with an ex by being the designated villian, by taking all the blame and all the responsibility, and that's what it felt like over and over, it would be good for awhile then the patterns would start repeating and i would turn into a crazy man.

this went on for a long time, break up, make up, honeymoon, descent into hell for both of us, break up, rinse and repeat, finally we took a year apart she had gotten into recovery but in the early stages it was for the relationship, not for her, but the last time we seperated she dove into recovery for her, really started working a strong program and went through the steps, i took steps to start changing the things about me i wasn't happy with, and neither of us did it with reconciliation in mind, as far as we were concerned we were done, about a year later we tried again, it went well for longer then it ever had, and the decay and dissolution was handled amicably, neither of us engaged in the hurtful behaviors we had in the past, and we went our seperate ways...now at this point i should mention we were like crack to the others character defects, we both kept saying "i have never behaved like this before so this must be your fault, it was like being in charles dickens a tale of two cities, "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times..for a long time it got progressively worse, then itstarted getting progressively better, less fingerpointing and blame and more ownership of actions. currently we are back together after yet another six month hiatus and thus far it has been better then it has ever been, we are approaching "crunch time" and what i am doing differently this time is disregarding her entirely, like when you talk about sitting on your hands, even that drove me nuts because it was me waiting for her, and she gets to a place where she just. needs. space. thats just how that is, and if i sit on my hands i go crazy, because my mind starts having free time to tell me stories, she's pulling away because: insert story here, when the truth is she just gets to a place after "the honeymoon" when she needs a breather. I used to go chasing after her so she told me once "when i pull away just give me space and I willcome back, so I sat on my hands and waited and went completely insane, it was excruciating, i just sat in my house staring at the phone because she told me to wait, it was horrible, and things went downhill from there.

so this time i am going to just give her the space, do my thing, concentrate on me and my gig, and be here, rather then "confronting her" you know? i am going to try something different and maybe get a different result. last time we tried i tried something halfway different, and got a halfway different result, so i figure this time try something completely different and see what happens.

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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful



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HI Freya,
Thank You for the share. I held my breath as I read it. I knew I was experiencing a turning point for a human being. You.
Words come hard for me when I Feel the power of positive change.
We can Heal. You helped me today.
Hope Lives !!!!!!!!!!!
We are worth it.
Wayne

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Freya,

I feel like this could have been written by me. You have just discovered the secret, I think, to loving yourself. You absolutely can't do anything to make another person look at themselves or change their behavior. We try our damndest though, and ironically, this futile attempt to control other people makes us feel even more out of control. But knowing that you have the ability to look at yourself and changing your own behaviors actually restores some sense of control.

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Thank you Linbaba, Toad and Myopia, knowing I'm not alone really makes a big difference.
Freya

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Freya

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