To make a long story short, I recently, in a very HP guided kind of way, found out I have a blod clot in my leg, and was admitted to the hospital. I had had two prior surgeries in the past six weeks which may be the reason why.
Being a single mom, and a pcp for another adult, and foster mom to wayyyy to many animals, and working FT, you can only imagine my fears. I asked the dr what could happen if I just left anyway and he told me flat out "paralysis, stroke or death if it breaks free"
Of course I stayed..on bed rest...afraid to move the wrong way....5 of the longest days of my life. I had an allergic reaction to the blood thinners and that caused a longer visit. Many of my Alanon family came to see me everyday, but the only "family" member was my SIL. I really felt fear, genuine gut wretching fear for the first time in a longgg time.
During this time I had a lot of time to do nothing but think, about my life etc. When death is an "in your face" possibility, you really stop and say ok, let me get things straight.
I was very upset that neither of my siblings so much as called me, or checked on me, though our relationships have always been strained, I thought that the seriousness of it would have been enough to have them at least call. My son spent the first night I was in the hospital, home alone, after that he stayed with my SIL. A good friend of mine came several times a day and tended to the critters. My neighbor mowed and got my mail.
I was finally released Thurs, and sent home on bed rest with the blood clot still intack. The dr put me on several meds, including a blood thinner (however as of right now I can't keep the meds in, and cant take the shots so the dr advised I may need to be readmitted. So I have to find rides daily to get my son to/from the bus stop and me to the hospital. I can't take care of anyone right now and I'm a mess. Thinking of finding good homes for two of my dogs and a cat-that will help me some with rest, and asking my neighbors for some help as they are really good to me, but both have health issues.
I have come to rely on my SIL(who I am very close to) helping with my son, though I don't think I ever take advantage of her help, she has always been there and I have allowed myself to trust that she always would, as I have always been there for her, we pretty much have raised our kids together. Trusting anyone is HUGE for me and I trusted her to be there. I had to call her the day after my release and ask her to take my son to the bus stop and me to the hospital a I had awoken sick, lightheaded and vomiting. She came and got us but I could feel a sense of anguish in the air. The entire time I was with her I felt like a burden. I believe her upset was coming from what her husband's reaction would be to her being there with me. My brother in many ways lacks compassion for others.
Later that day I get home, still sick physically and emotionally and find an email that she wrote me asking if my son could catch the bus up here by my house,(as oppposed to own by his grandmother's/her house (my son takes care of his disabled grandmother after school each day-running the vac, cooking for her, etc) that it would save her a lot of running etc, and that she needed to take care of herself and just couldn't be everything to all. Now in her defense she does run a lot, but we all do nowadays, but in my thinking I'm thinking "it's maybe 8 total miles a day and twenty mins total"but again in her defense her husband doesnt really let her be her so she has to appease him often to keep the peace.
Needless to say, I was crushed beyond words. I've been hurt a lot in my life but this by far was the worst ever, and by people who are supposed to help each other and stick together...family. I found myself laying in bed thinking "no one really gives a @#@ if I live or die" Siblings dont call or come around and now SIL bailed to at a time when I needed all three of them more than ever in my life, and SIL knew it.
The next day I drove my son to school, and off the road 3 times getting him there. Dropped him off and drove myself to the hospital for bloodwork....hit a curb there and almost swipped the guard rails twice on my way home. After much thought and 3 big scares that morning I decided I would listen to the Dr and stay in bed and wait this out. That meant another day of physical illness and allergic reaction to more meds....
Since then my sibling an I have had words-or I left words on his machine since he didnt answer, and I haven't spoken with any of my "family" other than my mother who is my best friend. I found several friends I didn't know I had, and my gf drove for over an hr and fifteen mins today to go to the store for me and my mother and run our errands. I am blessed I know.
I just am so hurt right now that I think it is effecting my physical recovery, and the Dr told me to avoid all stressors and be still, as he believes it is affecting my recovery and holding me back.
I'm stuck in this bed not knowing if this might be the last post I ever write, and arranging my will so my son is taken care of, wondering what I'll do about lost wages since I dont have enough sick leave to cover the time the dr wants me home in bed. I'm worried to death about my mother-whom I can't help right now, and my heart is broken from the actions/inactions of my "family", and my SIL who was one of my "go to" people with every good/bad thing isn't here to talk to and I feel like she kicked me when I was down. I dont want to go back to the hospital but if I cant keep the meds in I will be readmitted Monday.
It's just a scarey hard time right now....I feel betrayed...by my SIL whom I really feel abandoned me when I needed her most. I feel hurt...by my siblings for their lack of concern and compassion. I feel angry...because I've spent so much of my life helping others that I believed it would come back around. I feel....sick physically from all the meds in my body. I feel depressed....have no desire to do anything right now even if I could. I feel alone...even though I know I have my spiritual family right around the corner if I need them.I feel....afraid not knowing from minute to minute if Im gong be here on this earth from one minute to the next.... And I feel lost....have no idea what the next right step is.
Asking for your prayers and your ESH to get through this difficult time,,,,
God bless...
Shelly
Since then I've had words with my brother-or left them on his machine since he didn't answer and I just can not get over the hurt from my SIL.
Welcome to MIP, F2bM. I'm sorry for your situation & I hope you're feeling brighter today despite the worry that has become more conscious, like as you say, in your face! It's funny that we don't know from one day to the next when our last day may be & really it could be any day for any of us. We never know the minute but I can hear the pain & uncertainty you're sharing along with your fear, grief & resentment.
You haven't given any information for where you're at in your recovery & what tools you use to help you manage your states. I see that you posted, many have read your words & then not replied for whatever reasons. I didn't want to see your post with its specific request for input & not reply. I don't have a lot to say at the moment as I'm falling asleep & need to go to bed in a minute but I want you to know that I can hear you & I uinderstand your hurt & confusion. How can people leave me like this when... But, we both know everyone's responsible for ourselves & we can't have onus for others when we do have our own burdens even if it seems 'some more than others'.
You have said that others have helped you when you weren't expecting it & it seems to me this is how God works sometimes. We give out to the world & we get back in possibly different ways than we hoped for. How does your program tell you what to do & feel in this situation? How can you be good to you right now, sister? I hope you may find use with this reply. I've not much else to give at the moment, not even experience, strength & hope to help you along. I hope you can feel my care & concern for you. I hope you get a good result soon. What are the gifts in this situation? If you love & forgive your friends & family for not being there the way you'd like right now, what are you left with?
I hope you can feel the warmth in my regard for you. I'm reaching back in reply to your share. I hope you know you're not alone & you are very much loved in family & fellowship even if it feels we're not cared about in the ways we want or expect. What does your Higher Power want you to know right now? Prayers for God's will & love to you, Danielle x
I truly hope you are feeling better and the worst is over. I have always been a very self-sufficient person - it sounds as though you are too. Prior to recovery I would take care of myself and others and keep score inside my head, knowing that some day I would get what is coming to me. Then, when it didn't work out that way and those that I needed or wanted to help me weren't there for whatever reason - I was hugely, deeply disappointed.
Now I still take care of me, my daughter, and help others - maybe even too much - but the big thing for me is letting go of my expectations of others. I have to do this for MYSELF. I need to ease my burden, my heart, my pain. If I choose to help others I need to do it without strings - knowing that I am giving without any expectations of anything in return. This helps me stay sane.
Then there is the realization that I really don't know everything going on with others. If I am disappointed in their actions, I need to realize I have probably done similar in the past and perhaps they have good reason for disappointing me. If not, like this last weekend when my brother decided to not do what he said he would and really left me in a pickle - yes I was angry - but there was also this calming realization that I know exactly where I stand. I put myself in this position asking a favor of someone repeatedly undependable. Doesn't matter what I have done for him in the past - those were MY decisions and mine to own, he owes me nothing - but if he is going to be consistently undependable I will simply not go to that dry well anymore and I suffered the consequences of doing so.
Then there are those that are dependable and there for us over and over and then they are not there for whatever reason and it hurts. It colors all the things they have done in the past and all the trust they have earned with us. I have done it many, many times and it is unfair of me. We are all perfectly imperfect and do the best we can. We disappoint those around us and are disappointed by others.
I realize that your situation is dire - but my point here is that it is up to you to keep as centered and calm as possible and make sure you are taken care of. It is quite amazing, I have seen it over and over in my own life, where all of a sudden for whatever reason all those I am caring for seem to take care of themselves when I can't do it. I have convinced myself that without me everything will fall apart and the guilt and responsbility around that are exhausting! I have to put myself first to be well enough to take care of others. In this situation, that sounds like it couldn't be more true for you.
Something I am bad at is that if I feel abandoned or don't get help the way I want it - I will do what I am not supposed to be doing just out of spite. Here is an example. I had surgery and was NOT supposed to be driving. A friend said he would come and take my daughter and I to the airport for her trip to Europe. He cancelled, I was upset and too stubborn to call anyone else which there were plenty who would have done it. My victim/martyr self got in the car and drove to the airport. Made myself miserable and put my daughter and myself at risk because I should not have been behind the wheel. Even if I didn't have options - is it worth it? What if she missed her flight - but the alternative is we both died in a car accident that could have been avoided. My pride and ego - and the need to tell others how mistreated I was lead me to the action and it was completely unnecessary.
The world is not going to come to an end if a child misses school - but if you get out of bed and push that clot to your heart (that is how my mom died) - you just might end. Time to put things in their proper priorty there sweetie.
I have to echo Linistea's really wonderful, articulate post. It is so tempting to want to give and give to others, and to maintain that scorecard in your head. I have nursed many grudges and disappointments over the years when people did not come through for me in my time of need. It is so very important, as Linistea says, to give without any strings attached. It is also important to admit to yourself that, for us codependents, the act of "giving" isn't as selfless as we'd like to think. I have backed off a great deal on helping other people. I would never turn my back on a friend (or stranger) in need...I just don't willingly volunteer extraneous help with the expectation of reciprocity. I too am a single mom with NO family, and it can be scary at times to think I'm all alone. But, the truth is, we are ALL ultimately alone in this world. Changing my behavior and recognizing these truths has helped me allay my fears and insecurities and has given me great strength.
One other thing...I learned the hard way that having family doesn't necessarily gurantee that you'll have support during a crisis, and that support often comes from unexpected sources. My daughter was diagnosed at age 5 with leukemia and relapsed at age nine (she's totally healthy now, BTW). During the five years she was getting treatment, my ex and I had virtually no help from relatives, despite the fact that my ex had a large extended family and my dad and brother lived within a couple of hours away. Even some of our close friends decided they just couldn't "deal" with the situation (I remember being really pissed and thinking...."awwww...sorry my daughter's cancer stresses YOU out"!!!!!). But guess what? A number of total strangers jumped in and helped us, and they've since become great friends...the type who actually enrich my life. So, out of adversity, came something wonderful!
