I don't know what to do anymore. I feel very lost and sad. I have gone to alanon in the past, my bf is an addict and alcoholic. I am not sure if this is the place for me because I know what to say to sound like I am getting better and in recovery. I know the words that sound good...
HE is not like I see described here of other alcoholics. He isn't abusive or any thing. He is kind and sweet. His drinking is out of control when he does drink. He has used drugs and is trying to quit with suboxene and a doctor's help. He drank so much yesterday that he became very weird. I had picked him up after community service and he seemed fine, then the next thing I know he is behaving strangely and I knew then that he had gone back to vodka. He left community service early, drank and came back so I could get him, he isn't driving right now due to a DUI he got a year ago. Glad he isn't driving now....
I feel broken. I have been with him for about two years. My kids really like him. He had asked me to marry him but now I am not sure its right. I know from my previous time with alanon that I don't have to make a major decision now. We just moved into a new place together and there is NO way I can afford the rent on my own if I ask him to leave. I asked him this morning when he was sober and throwing up from the binge, to choose between me and the substances. He said "of course I choose you." I know with all the addictions out there though, that words mean nothing and actions mean everything.
I come here tired, sad and feeling utterly alone. I know I can go find an alanon meeting now in my new town. I was truly hoping that he would want to work hard and go to meetings and get better, and now I know I can't believe him because he is not in a program at all. He has gone to a couple of 30 day rehabs in the past and they didn't take because I know he didn't really want it. I know thats what it comes down to. That he has to want it. And I have to want to feel better and love me as well. I don't know how to do that. I have always loved everyone else. I have always taken care of everyone else. I know I need to concentrate on me and me alone, I just need to do this for me and my kids.
Welcome to MIP, youfoundme. When I first came into recovery I was obsessed with what my ex was up to & how it may have been affecting me. In the end I had to want recovery for myself. This involved getting sober first for me & then after two years stable sobriety I was ready to go to the next layer & look deeper again at me. I came to CoDA & began to get more identification for how subtley compulsive & powerful my codependency can be.
I essentially did not know how to love me from the inside out. I had a 'hole in my soul' & I needed something to try to light me up because I couldn't seem to shift my aching & dogged sense of low self-worth. It got worse & worse over time hence the use of drink & relationships to try & help me feel better. None of these things worked & I gradually rotted & spoiled inside. I gave up & became willing to go to any lengths to get well. I realised I couldn't do this by myself & that I needed help.
I dropped everything I could & I put my recovery first. I made a humble beginnning & became willing to aim towards having a spiritual awakening as a result of working the steps. This is my story & what my recovery has been about. I learned I could not fix, amend, regulate, adjust or control anyone else & that I am wholey responsible for myself, right the way down to my physiocal, mental, emotional & spiritual state.
I have found it true for me that I have to absolutely depend on my Higher Power for my own sense of well-being. It has given me that light I needed all those years ago & couldn't quite have with any consistancy. How is this relelvant to you, you might ask? For some reason, when I am taking care of me the right answers come.
Two flags particularly went up for me in my response to your share. One is how your partner's drinking may be affecting your children though you say they like him & the second is in keeping him there because you can't afford the rent.
I've seen on the Al Anon board someone posted he may drink, he may not drink, What Are You Going To Do? This was the beginning of my recovery five weeks into my own sobriety, my partner was going to use & I had had enough, What Was I Going To Do?
I took the focus off him & reclaimed it for myself. I am not his Higher Power, he is not my Higher Power & I am not my own. I need a power greater than myself & I found it through working this program. Sanity has been restored. I am not looking to anyone else to heal my emotional losses.
I have found that when I straighten out spiritually I have recovered mentally & physically. Good luck with your situation. Pain may be inevitable but suffering is optional. Danielle x
Welcome to MIP! I can relate with a lot that you wrote. I too have been involved with an alcoholic in the past who wasn't abusive, everyone loved him, life of the party, great job, good dad . . . and so on. They are not all abusive and reek havoc on those around them. But it is still difficult to watch. Mine simply lost his life.
What resonated with me in your post was "I am not sure if this is the place for me because I know what to say to sound like I am getting better and in recovery. I know the words that sound good..." This is not a difficult program - it is quite simple - but it is not easy. There are not a million steps - there are not a thousand concepts - there are 12 steps and some simple ideas such as setting boundaries, detaching and so forth. So picking up the right words is easy - implementing them is something else. I find that just doing it over and over and over - of course it feels weird, we have never lived our lives this way before. It is progress, not perfection. I have also found that things don't just change overnight. My "old behaviors" are very much current behaviors at times. The lovely thing is that I see it. I want to change it, and I will keep trying. Before it was just how things were, I didn't know any different.
As I continue to work on myself what I want in my life changes. As I become healthier so do my surroundings. Slowly but surely the things I used to just think were commonplace and normal in my life are no longer tolerable. And the interesting thing is my reaction isn't horror, anger, run - it is just a calm "I don't want this anymore, it doesn't feel good." Many of the people in my life that drove me nuts haven't changed - but I don't let them drive me nuts anymore. Yes, I get angry, disappointed etc. - but I walk through it and don't carry it around with me anymore.
The key for me was purely focusing on myself. I can not change anyone else. The healthier, happier, and more centered I am - the better everything else is. The steps were a good start. I have only scratched the surface, but the little I have accomplished has made a huge difference in my heart and day to day happiness.
So - that was my very long way of saying you do belong here. We all belong here. We want a better life. We want to be happier. The 12 step program is a wonderful tool to do just that. I am glad you are here. You are not alone.
Wow thank you all. I didn't get on here to see if I had any ES&H and here it is, words I needed to hear :) Thank you. I will re-read what is here and keep trying...
