welp, now that I just ate enough for four people, I think I'll post. The food didn't give me any answers. I need some help.
The man that I have been dating for 6 weeks now, left my house yesterday morning after we spent the weekend together. We had a wonderful weekend of dining, walking at the botanical gardens, and dining. Did I mention dining?
Well, as we were saying goodbye, we embraced and his hands fell down over my a-- like they usually do. Except this time he commented, "Yes, you will have to be more careful about how much you eat, no more dessert for you."
And so I asked, " If I were 20 lbs. heavier, would you still like me?" And he quickly said, "No. I like my women to be slim."
I don't know why I'm posting, it's not like I don't fit into my effing pants today! So I phoned my sponsor and told her that I don't want to date a man who has me under a microscope. And she said, "No, no, no, don't over-react and make a big deal of it ... sometimes people just get diarrhea-of-the-mouth," she said, "and it's up to us to not get emotionally hooked, which you are doing.... so go get some rest and detach from it... he probably didn't mean anything by it, you are reading too much into it.... goodbye."
Which seemed reasonable. But then I woke up today and all I want to do is eat, LOL. I know in my heart, he and I are not different in this sense.... I also want to date someone who takes good care of themselves. But I never thought to check his effing waistline before he left!
I suppose it's another thing that only time will tell. If he doesn't like my a--, he'll have to hit the road, I guess. But in the meantime, I don't want him touching my a--!!
Just thought of something someone once said, "if a relationship takes so much work, is the relationship really working?"
hmmm
I enjoy spending time with him very much, and I don't want to lose the relationship because of my hyper-sensitivity....
Step one, I am powerless over him, his opinions, and his criteria for a partner. Step two, even if the relationship ends, my Higher power will still love me, I am still love-able. Step three, I am putting the doughnut down now, I am breathing again.......
Thanks, I feel much better.
-- Edited by gladlee on Monday 2nd of May 2011 06:44:40 PM
__________________
"See the work. Do the work. Stay out of misery." -Maharishi
good gawd, I wish I could delete that post. Apparently, I need to be forever reminded of my insanity. (Seriously, can someone delete this mess for me?!)
How petty it seems. However, there has been some incredible self-discovery since I posted that crap. This program is brilliant.
I phoned my sponsor again yesterday to tell her that I didn't want to go through with a date I had with him last night, "I don't want a man who is so shallow and who can't love me for more than my appearance," I whined.
She said, "Stop it. This isn't about him, it's about YOU. It's about Self." We went round and round for awhile. Long story short, I was eventually able to realize that ""I"" am the one holding the belief that I am not love-able for more than my appearance. Incredible lightbulb moment. Suddenly, I was able to pull my hand out of the bag of chips.
So, he came over last night... I was no longer holding a resentment anymore, obviously, but I did mention to him about "something" he had said on Sunday. How I wish I could post the confused expression on his face! He had no idea what I was talking about, I learned that my memory of the moment is really twisted too...
Despite the insanity of it all, I am grateful to HP for bringing me the experience, because I can't ask God to remove my defects until I know what they are, right?
Anyway, thanks for reading.
(Even though it seems no one is home here. And for that, I am even MORE GRATEFUL!! LOL, someone erase this mess for me, puh-leeeeeease!)
__________________
"See the work. Do the work. Stay out of misery." -Maharishi
Sorry for the silence - I have actually been thinking about this post for a couple of days. Don't worry about having a moment - we all have them and that is what this place is for. To come and share in an anonymous setting and get feedback from others working on recovery.
This one can bring up a LOT of debates and my thoughts on it put me squarely on the "shallow" end. Feel I am putting my neck on the chopping block, but going to be honest here. So, we will start with my initial reaction. I thought his honesty was very refreshing. I watched you describe what I have done more than once - early in a relationship asking really tough questions that are dancing around the "we are going to be together forever" fantasy way too soon. And for me, it isn't even the questions I ask that lead to trouble, it is my mindset. I start painting the fantasy sometimes on the first date, jump in up to my neck, put a lot of my emotional well-being into whether this person accepts me and wants me or not, and start planning the wedding. Big trouble.
The reason for the couple of days sitting on it is I have been having a debate about "unconditional love". If I am with someone what are my deal breakers? The big thing I have come up with is this. If I am with a someone I try to pay attention to what they like and what they don't. I obviously, if I like/love them, want to make them happy and attracted to me. In my opinion this effort should not go away - ever - and it should be a two way street. Now I am not saying this is a vigilant, everyday effort to woo someone - I am a firm believer in just "being" and having a partner you can relax with and not always be "on". But, if I am with a partner that doesn't like (fill in the blank) I try not to do/be that. So, since you were talking about weight, let's start there. One person gets together with another person. Person A has a thing about weight and is attracted to person b because they are slim and attractive to them. Over time this changes. This happens. We get older, our metabolism changes. Mine did. I have gained 20 pounds in the last 5 years. Yay 40. So let's say I am person A and am attracted to a slim build. I get with person b and over time they start to gain weight. Now my thoughts are this: If person B is doing things (for an extended period of time) to put on weight like eating poorly, being lazy, and generally unhealthy their weight is probably going to become an issue for me. I don't think I would show them the door - but it would put a strain on our relationship because I don't want to sleep with them and feel uncomfortable when we go out in public. Now if person b is healthy, makes efforts to eat right and exercise and their weight just is what it is - then I do not have an issue at all. To me, it tells me they don't care what I think if they don't make some effort toward resolving the issue. If the KNOW that excess weight bothers me but they not only don't try - but are making the issue worse with their behavior - then that tells me exactly where they stand with our relationship. Now, if I don't tell a partner my preferences - then it is on me. Hence, my initial reaction to his statement. He put it out there and was honest. That was a pretty loaded question though.
Now I just chose weight because that is what you started with. But what about smoking? What about hygiene? What about the way they dress? Then we can even get deeper and talk about behaviors such as workaholic, laziness, isolation, alcohol, gambling, poor financial management, irresponsibility - whatever doesn't work for you. I stink at relationships, so I might be talking out my ear. But if I get into a relationship I have taken on a responsibility to keep that person in my life - on a HEALTHY level. I don't want to change everything about myself, become obsessed, emotionally dependent etc. - but remaining attractive for and keeping the other person happy is something I have signed on for. If I stop doing that I have some responsibility if they lose their attraction to me. And obviously they have signed on for the same thing.
So here is a hypothetical - I used to work in an office, had employees the whole nine. Got up everyday, showered, put on nice clothes, commuted - all that. Now, I work from home. So let's say I was in a relationship during this whole time. I went from getting moving and getting physically fixed up to working in my PJs all day. What if this didn't work for my partner? What if they expressed that they were not attracted to the fact that I was in my PJs still when they got home? I put in a full days work - there is nothing "wrong" with what I am doing - but if it unattractive to them do I label them shallow and expect them to accept me for who I am or do I get my fanny out of bed in the morning and take a shower and put some clothes on before starting my work day. Not that hard in the big picture, it would make them happy and would ultimately make me happy.
I am a smoker. If I ever manage to quit smoking I can not imagine that I could be with someone who smokes. Heck, I smoke now and someone who has just smoked a cigarette stinks (including me)! If I quit I think it will be intolerable. Would it be wrong of me to say "If you don't quit smoking or do it away from me and work on the smell - I will not kiss an ashtray" am I wrong? Am I shallow?
Let's flip the coin. My ex husband. Our first date I mentioned I wanted more kids. This was just in conversation about my girl, how much I enjoyed parenting, and wanted more. I wasn't planning our wedding on the first date. But over the year and a half we dated it was well known I wanted at least one more. A week after our wedding I got "I don't want any more kids." WTF? He didn't make his preferences clear and now I am supposed to give up something that is really important to me because I signed on to "forever"? Or how about I am a SCUBA diver (this is hypothetical) - I get in a relationship and this is obviously my passion - then the partner decided he doesn't want me to do that anymore. He is not interested in it and doesn't want me doing it without him. Sorry - you have to accept me for who I am on that one. So there are time you give and times you have to stand and say "This is me and if you don't like it . . . "
Confusing subject but it is all about ourselves and working the give and take of a relationship to first, make ourselves happy, and second make the relationship work. I don't ever want to be in another relationship where it is first and I am second again.
Interesting subject and I have ZERO judgement about your situation but it obviously got my wheels turning. "Forever" may not be something I can do. There will be dealbreakers and I think it is hard work to manage "forever" for both partners. Making the effort to keep your partner attracted and engaged is a necessity. I will not stay in a "forever" while I am miserable simply out of fear of failing the commitment. Things happen, problems happen and I am willing to do the work to find a solution . . . but if there are things that you need from another in your relationship to be happy - how long do you wait for change? Should you expect them to change? Can a middle ground be found? Is love enough to override the things that you don't like? I wish I had the answers. This is a big problem for me as I head for the door frequently due to intolerance and the inability to accept people for who they are. But on the other hand, isn't it my responsibility to have people in my life that work for me? Maybe my expectations are just too high and no one can ever meet them? Lots of work to do around this obviously.
The more important thing is that it is still really early in your relationship and there is no telling the future. He will let you know what type of person he is over time - what is that quote . . . something about people tell you exactly who they are but we just choose not to listen . . . or something like that. Deep breath, take it slow, take care of yourself.
Sorry if that was a ramble and made no sense at all.
For me, the first example I saw of this was from my father, we were walking down the street, he had on blue jean shorts (like long ones) hiking boots and a white T-shirt, and had gained considerable weight over the years, and we saw an incredibly beautiful and elegant woman step out of a Mercedes wearing like a fur stole or something, very elegant, very classy and he said "That's how I thought your mother was going to turn out instead of how she did"
my jaw hit the floor, and I asked if he even owned a mirror, I got REALLY angry at him
so for ME, I think it falls under this story:
Gandhi was visited by a very worried mother. She had an elementary-age boy who would eat large amounts of candy and sweets whenever his mother was not looking. She would hide the candy but the boy would find it and even get candy from relatives and neighbors. He would not listen when his mother told him how bad the candy was for him, how it would destroy his teeth and his health. Finally in desperation, she thought of taking him to see the famous Mahatma Gandhi.
Gandhi was a living legend, hugely respected in all of India at that time. The mother knew if Gandhi told the boy to stop eating candy, he would certainly listen. It took her three days of standing in a very long line to get an audience with the great leader. When she finally saw him, she told him her problem. “Please,” she said, “will you simply tell my son to stop eating candy. I know he will obey you.” Mr. Gandhi looked up at her and quietly said, “Lady, please come back and see me in two weeks.” The mother left looking confused, not understanding why, after waiting three days in line, she would need to come back. Although puzzled, she did not dare question the wisdom of this revered man.
Two weeks later, she patiently waited three days in another long line and finally received a second audience with Mahatma Gandhi. She brought her boy forward to the great leader and again presented her story and request. Gandhi looked the young boy sternly in the eyes. “Young man, I want you to stop eating candy,” he said. The boy looked wide-eyed at the great leader, then bowed down and said, “Yes sir. I will not eat candy anymore.”
As the mother and boy were leaving the room, the mother turned back with a question that was bothering her. “Mr. Gandhi, sir,” she said, “why did I need to wait again in that long line a second time? Why did you not tell my son to stop eating candy two weeks ago?”Gandhi looked up at the woman and said with a twinkle of wisdom in his eye, “Lady, it took me that long to stop eating candy myself.”
If -I- don't exercise, it's unfair that I tell someone else to exercise, If I -smoke- it's unfair to tell someone else not to smoke, but it's...a sticky one....
Over the years I have had a few relationships, now over the years I ate a LOT of ice cream and stayed thin, but I'd get together with a girlfriend, she'd eat ice cream with me and gain a LOT of weight, this happened with 3 girlfriends over 20 years so much that my uncle asked me, Jesus Andrew, what do you DO to these women, every girl you date gains 60 lbs the first year with you, and I have to admit the weight gain caused me discomfort, a LOT of discomfort in a few cases, but, since I wasn't willing to make changes I didn't feel it was fair of me to ask them to make changes
for me, it has to be compromise, if I feel someone should make changes then I'd better be willing and able to make those changes together, if I want -her- to exercise or give up desserts, I have to be willing to exercise with her and also give up desserts, like Linistea, I hit 40 a few years ago, and now I gained weight, all that ice cream and cheeseburgers caught up with me, I also think I react to salt and flour because when I eat certain foods I bloat like I swallowed a basketball now, I get exercise climbing trees, like incredible can't move for 2 days after I climb exercise but the belly remains intransigent, I now understand how hard it is to lose weight after it settles, and I understand how hard it is to give up ice cream and desserts...and pizza,...and cheeseburgers, so after walking a mile in someone else's shoes I have more empathy
At the end of the day, I don't know, as was mentioned asking someone we are in a new relationship if they will have "unconditional love" for us is ASKING for trouble, but for me, as was also mentioned, I have an obligation to try and make this other person happy to a certain extent, not at the cost of my own identity but relationships take work, I have to try and care for myself emotionally and physically, and do the best I can, but I -can't- ask her to do things I am not willing to do myself, or that I am not doing myself, or the hypocrisy and double standard hurts my brain
we either do it together or not at all, you know? I mean the relationship, Chuck C says the only way he made his reltionship work was if it was 100% to nothing, like he would give 100% and expect nothing in return, but to me that has to go both ways
we are either in this together or not at all in a commited relationship, I can have a shallower relationship, based on sex and friendship and "conditional love" as it were if that is understood up front, but with deeper relationships I think it comes down to a bit more give and take -from both parties-
I was thinking about "unconditional love" as it pertains to relationships the other day, because there -ARE- "dealbreakers" so what I came up with was this, I can have "unconditional love" for someone, and continue to have that love for them even as I walk out the door if they cross a deal breaker, I love you and I like having you here but I don't need you.
Like Linistea said, he has "given you the information" a part of your relationship is sexual attraction conditional on you remaining thin, now that's fine if that is what you are looking for, but like they say in Alanon, "don't make somebody a priority if all you are to them is an option"
you have the information, it's up to you what you want to do with it, accept him as he is or try to put a square peg in a round hole, or move on, options one and three are healthy, option two, as you well know is what brings us the grief, not the other person but trying to make the other person into something they are not
-- Edited by LinBaba on Thursday 5th of May 2011 10:34:48 AM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I'm so grateful I'm not alone, thank you ((Linistea)) ((LB))
I will be reading your replies over and over, for every tiny bit of wisdom!!
This whole ordeal has revealed to me, a huge character defect... what I was blaming him for, was actually my own belief about myself... how twisted my thinking can be!!!
Thank you again for your support
__________________
"See the work. Do the work. Stay out of misery." -Maharishi
Hello Gladlee! Just wanted to point out a few things from an outsider's perspective. One, he is obviously attracted to you because you two are newly dating right? Usually we don't choose to date people who repulse us... Two, he keeps trying to touch your a$$! He wouldn't do so if he didn't like it... Three, he only seems to have said he wouldn't like you to gain 20 pounds. That means he likes you precisely the way you are...not 20 pounds lighter or heavier! I think you are doing exactly what I do, reading too much into everything and being too sensitive. The fact that he had no recollection of what he could have said that bothered you shows how much thought and feeling he put into his off-handed, albeit a bit insensitive comment. Not much. I'd say don't ditch him just yet. Maybe he's not the biggest jerk in the world. Seems like I'm always looking for evidence that my guy is the biggest jerk in the world...and when I do so, I usually find out that he's not... I am. :) HUGS, Heather
