Co-Dependants Anonymous
Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: Rejection


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 49
Date:
Rejection
Permalink  
 


Hi,

It hurts to feel rejected/shamed by others.  Memories are starting to surface from 20 - 30 yrs ago.  What kicked it off was myself having these same feelings about a week ago from someone I haven't even met, though we wrote via an internet group.  These are the same feelings as when I was 9 and 14-15 yrs.  My reaction has been feeling worthless, shamed, I've started abusing myself again by over-eating again.  Not really caring.  My children are seeing their Mum go through all this again.  Time to start acknowledging, accepting and taking proper action again.  They were just setting their own personal boundaries.  I've obviously done/said something that has upset them all.  With the one when I was 9 a friend's Mum thought I swore to much, which I did.  Another friend's Mum thought I was to boy crazy at 14-15 which I was too.  

Thanks for letting me vent.

Tracey confuse 



__________________


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 108
Date:
Permalink  
 

Rejection does stink, pure and simple.  For some of us, we are affected by rejection and crippled by the fear of it.  Through working on my self-esteem and coming the realization that what others think of me is none of my business, things have become a bit better.  Working on my judgement of others has helped me with judgement from others as well.

For me, awareness and practice are key.  I slip, we all do.  Like this week I am a bit hormonal and not in a very good mood and found myself just talking crap about someone else.  It didn't feel very good.  When I am not so ruled by my hormones, I usually catch myself before I say anything, or right after.  And I truly try to not only stop the action, but change my thinking.  This was hours ago and I just realized I did it.  The thing is, it was to my daughter and that teaches her to do the same thing.  But I caught it and now I know, thanks to this simple realization, that during this week every month I need to be more vigilant and compassionate.  It will take more effort, which I am willing to make.

That's it.  Just an oops and a desire to change.  Hopefully next time I will be better.  I remember when I first got into recovery, I would just keep messing up over and over and over.  I never seemed to get it right.  Then all of a sudden, since I kept practicing, I started getting 1 out of 10.  Then that started improving too.  I don't know where I am now - but it is getting a LOT easier.  

That is what helps me when I am given negative feedback, judged, or rejected.  One, I realize not everyone has to agree with me or like me.  I don't know anyone that doesn't have someone who has judged them or rejected them - even Gandhi.  That is just the way it is.  Two, if the person is being hateful, I have to remember I have been there too and have compassion for them.  If they are being that way they are not feeling well - would you describe being hateful as "feeling well"?  Having been there (and still go there) myself, I realize that they are just not aware or in the process of changing.  Maybe they will never become aware and that is too bad . . . really, it is sad.  I couldn't imagine going through life being angry, hateful, judgemental etc.  Thanks to recovery, I don't have to smile.gif.

Sorry . . . I was planning something short.  That just came out of nowhere.

Linistea



__________________


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 49
Date:
Permalink  
 

Thanks Linstead.  Your letter made a lot of sense to me.  I never thought of the judger as someone hurting at that moment.  

Tracey



__________________


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 21
Date:
Permalink  
 

I will admit that I tend to be the rejector, not the rejected. I get into relationships in which there is little chance of me getting hurt as I select people I most likely will not fall in love with. Jerks, players, emotionally cold and distant people...Then, I become dissatisfied because I realize that I am unhappy, do not really like or respect this person and do not want to be in a committed long-term relationship with this person. Therefore, my "relationships" typically last 2 months tops. If I do find myself getting involved with someone I have strong feelings for or (gasp!) actually come to love, I am paralyzed with fear and usually bail before I can be abandoned. This is not healthy behavior, but I can say I do not like hurting people, but equally I do not like being hurt. I will go to great lengths to protect myself from pain.

Which leads me to a deeper personal understanding about my own relationship issues. As a codependent, I tend to rush into relationships, even with people I don't know well or don't necessarily have a strong feeling towards, in order to secure an attachment, even falsely, and avoid abandonment. Abandonment issues stemming from a painful memory from my childhood. WOW! Breakthrough. Thank you so much for your share Tracey. I can see that we tend to relive past relationships over and over and over again until we learn to detach and heal from our core abandonment trauma from our families of origin, or other earlier relationships.

Thank goodness there are steps for this...and awareness of the problem is the first step. I see that I am powerless (over relationships, codependency issues, etc) and that my life has become unmanageable. By repeating the bad relationship cycle, I have blocked spiritual healing and growth in my life. I am in another 12 step program for alcoholism, so have a strong faith and higher power, but I can see that I need to work a fourth and fifth step on this, specifically identifying MY PART in the bad relationship/codependency cycle. I've done the steps thoroughly with AA, but I can see now how the steps can relate to this issue, which is as strong an addiction for me as any drink or drug. Time to talk with sponsor!!! Thanks again! :) Heather

__________________


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 104
Date:
Permalink  
 

Sorry Tracy. Those feelinqs hurt, and I sure had them dozens of times. I was very over the top in my behavior, even into recovery. I used to look at others lookinq at me, and think they were lookinq at an alien or somethinq. I just did not feel normal. I always felt that I had to have some dialoq and often it was neqative. It feels sooo qood now to listen to others and either say nothinq or "that's nice" or "I can see how you feel that way" without havinq to come up with a story. I find myself, with this filter for my comments that's "Is it really necessary for me to make this comment?" and most of the time it isn't. Even when I feel really like makinq it, I ask myself "What's your motive?". That usually shelves it too. I'm always tryinq to strike up new friendships, in my various hobbies and most of the time these never qet off the qround. I used to take it to heart, feel rejected, but now I realize that people are busy, they have a life, so do I, oh well. I can't want it more than they do, and I certainly don't want to be friends with (or try to) people that don't want me. There are plenty of reasons, that have nothinq to do with me personally, for them to not want to be friends or associate with me. Findinq that out, from my first AA sponsor, was such a relief.

__________________
Dean


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 55
Date:
Permalink  
 

Yes, rejection hurts........ if I'm giving them power, right? For me, it depends on WHO is doing the rejecting. Sometimes I did not care. However, if I perceive someone has some "status" and they reject me? ouch!!! I've given them power.

In recovery, I am learning, that I am no PLUS and I am no MINUS. I'm an EQUAL. Inventory work helps me to see that I am connected to the entire human race, all the good and all the bad. It hurts to be rejected and shamed. But dang, I've done that too.

Something I forget to consider (because I'm so busy thinking that I'm the big fat minus)... is that they are spiritually sick. It certainly was the case with me... it was unconscious behavior on my part... I was not operating with the help of Higher power, it was strictly based on ego. Today, I try not to "punish" anyone with rejection. That behavior is not from Higher Power... my HP has never punished me. The disease loves that behavior though... it seeks to separate.

The program suggestion is to pray. One of my favorite prayers is,

"God, bless them. And help me."

Namaste (((my friend)))





__________________

"See the work.  Do the work.  Stay out of misery."  -Maharishi

Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.