Is my qualifier. My abf. My sweet abf who is really a great person inside...he is the one I am obsessed with and addicted to. My sickness is so great that I can't focus on me for one minute. 30 seconds is too long sometimes. I struggle all day. I am so tired from a life time of concentrating on everyone else. I am sick of it. But I keep going back. And I know that I am probably sicker than him now. I can only imagine what he goes through thinking about his D.O.C. He has two days clean...glad he found AA...
The open aa meeting that I went to last week really opened me up to changing. It was awesome to be able to talk with them during and after the meeting. They were a really helpful bunch.
I work at the front desk of a place where many people come in. I can smell alcohol on some people when they come in the front door. The smell hits me like a ton of bricks. I can see it in their faces and in their eyes that they are alcoholics. One guy that comes in every other week to get his check, I know is either on heroin or oxycontin or some other opiate, I can tell by his eyes and how constricted his pupils are. I am sad that these things are now in my knowledge. But I am glad too because if not, I would not have turned to alanon...
I don't know where I am going with this post, I just needed to be honest and say it. My drug of choice is my bf. I am so tired of constantly feeling like I am worried about him, I so want to be done with my codependency. I want to learn and heal.
I am planning on starting karate where my kids take classes just so I have something to do that is just for me. That and meetings. Thanks....
Thank you for your post. the more you acknowledge your sickenss, the more room you will have for recovery. there are steps in all the 12 step programs that help each of us take (baby) steps to healthier living. keep coming back. jj/sheila
Awareness and a desire to change are the beginnings of recovery. We are here to focus on the solution, how to actually make these changes. Hopefully our discussions, book study, and step study will help you do this.
It is truly One Day at a Time and progress can be slow at times, but it is progress. I understand obsession and am glad to say by doing the things suggested I found relief. Starting to do activites for yourself is a really good beginning.
I have been going to face to face meetings at al anon for for over three years. My ex abf is sober and in AA. I love al anon and will never leave I really believe I have been badly affected by someone elses drinking, however I was co dependent before I met my drinker I was married to a compulsive gambler for 17 years and all my friends had problematic lives, i was trying to fix. I have noticed though that at coda meetings the focus is on my own illness 100%. I went to a coda meeting a year ago but I do not think I was ready to truley focus 100% 0n my recovery but I have been attehnding coda meetings for a couple of months now. My partner and I have decided to have a break so I can concentrate on my recovery and him his. Take what you like and laeve the rest hugs tracy xxxx
By the time we get to the point that we realize we need help, we're usually beyond desperate and we want everything to change NOW! It doesn't happen that way. It took us years to get to this point and it won't change in a day or two. It takes time, but every step in the right direction is a step in the right direction. Every step you take is one step farther away from where you used to be and one step closer to where you want to be. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep coming here, and keep going to meetings. Read your daily readers, if you have any. Read other books about addiction and recovery. Keep going to karate. One of the things that helps me is to post slogans on sticky notes where I'll see them regularly, like on the fridge, computer or bedroom mirror. One of my favorite Al-Anon tracts is "Just for Today," which also comes as a bookmark, and I have one of those in every book I'm reading at any given time. I'll also sometimes tear a favorite article out of The Forum or other recovery publication and put that on the fridge or in a book I'm currently reading. Every time I open the book, I read the article or "Just for Today." I read the 12 Steps - out loud - every day, and say the Serenity Prayer - also out loud, even if I have to whisper it - several times a day.
Don't be too hard on yourself for not getting where you want to go at warp speed. Changing how you think and how you live is a process. If you try to change everything all at once, you'll get overwhelmed and you won't stick with it. Give yourself the time you need to work on your recovery. YOU'RE WORTH IT!
Red Hawk
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My heart is moved by all I cannot save: so much has been destroyed. I have to cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world. A passion to make, and make again, where such un-making reigns.
