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Post Info TOPIC: Step Study - Step 4


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Step Study - Step 4
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Using the Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps by Melody Beattie

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

The author describes something many of us have probably experienced with the "Dreaded Fourth Step".  Heading to a meeting and you find out that the topic is the fourth step and all of a sudden you are not so excited.  Or you get there and no one has anything to say and the meeting ends early.  Then there are those times that someone who has worked the fourth step shares and you are in awe.  You feel bad because you haven't worked it yet, you have been procrastinating.  There is something different about this person who worked the fourth step and you are a bit envious.  Many of us can identify with the fear and dread of doing the fourth step and may have put it off for years.

Looking within Ourselves

"'Codependency hides under all my addictions,' said Carol.  'I avoid pain with something: relationships, substances, or work.  I hid in a relationship so I didn't have to deal with me.'  Many of us hide from our pain.  Many of us hide from ourselves.  Perhaps the last, safest, and strongest holdout from looking at ourselves is blaming our circumstances and condition on others."

Often we see people enter recovery just long enough to blame everyone else for their problems.  This does not resolve our problems.   We may find that we are repeating the same scenarios over and over and eventually need to look within to see why we keep ending up in the same place. 

"But when we tire of spending energy discussing the details of the other person, whether that person is a parent, child, friend, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, co-worker, boss, or employee, we face the Fourth Step questions: What's going on with me? What am I doing?  What am I not doing?  Why did I need to go through these circumstances?  What are these circumstances triggered within me?  What are the old memories, the old fears, the old tapes, being replayed?  What's my agenda?  What's my lesson from this experience?"

This step is not about blaming ourselves, it is about discovering ourselves.  It is about self-responsibility.  We codependents tend to blame everyone else for how we feel.  This step is about looking inward for those answers.  We are responsible for our feelings.  It is natural to fear this step, but it is not in our best interests.  It is time to clean house and get things in order.

A Searching and Fearless Inventory

What are we searching for in this inventory?  The good and bad in us, our good and bad behaviors, our guilt - earned and unearned.  We look at our bad feelings of anger, fear, pain, rage and resentment.  We are not looking to blame ourselves, but being honest and free from denial and fear.  "We do this to hold ourselves accountable for our own healing and to achieve the highest level of self-responsibility and self-accountability possible."

Here are some waya to approach the steps as suggested in this chapter:

1.  An Inventory of Codependent Characteristics

In this sections the authors suggests that we list our codependent behaviors, others who are involved, and our feelings about them.   She goes on to list a fairly long list of behaviors.

2.  A General Biographical Sketch

This is an easy way to do this step.  Just write a biography about yourself.  Start with where you were born and move on from there.  You may need to do a 5th step after this, but you may find that you need to focus on some areas and expand on the story first.  Who hurt you?  Who did you hurt?  How did you feel?  This is NOT a time to be nice and appropriate, it is a time to be completely honest.

3.  A Specific Biographical Sketch

Sometimes people need to focus on a specific area of their lives.  This can be relationships, work, or family.  It can be approached the same, starting at the beginning and telling the whole story.  Being as thorough as possible is best.  "The more we can write about ourselves, our feelings, and our beliefs, the more helpful this work is."

4.  A Big-Book Fourth Step

Using the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous, the fourth step is covered on pages 64-71.  This is the original 4th step and very straight forward.  The idea is to list all those things that we hold resentments against including people, institutions, or principles.  We can cover all the problem areas of our lives, such as anger, fear, sex, money, and resentment.

5.  Things We've Done Wrong

We can focus on those things that we feel guilt and shame around.  Even those things that we should not feel guilty about but do anyway.  Included in this is how we treat ourselves.  Treating ourselves badly, not thinking we are worthy, and not taking care of ourselves is a moral issue and should be included in what we look at in our inventory.

6.  Wrongs Others Have Done us

This is our opportunity to put down on paper how people have hurt us.  It give us an opportunity to look at our part.  Where are we not taking care of ourselves?  We can get it all out and then move on and heal.

7.  An Asset Inventory

As Codependents it is very easy for us to see what is wrong with us, in fact that may be all we do.  This gives us the opportunity to list our strengths.  "It may also be, as one woman said, the hardest Fourth Step we've ever done."

8.  A list of Anger, Fear - and Shame

This is a chance to dump all the bad stuff.  Write about anything that bothers you. When you do this write how you feel about that thing or person.  If we are honest about how we feel, not taking blame, it will help us heal.  It may help us see to the root of the problem.  "If it is my belief that I'm stupid, if I learn that about myself, I can let go of the old belief and change it to a better one, such as 'I'm competent and capable.  I'm intelligent.  I can own my power with people.'"  But until we identify these beliefs, through this step, we can not change them.  It is a good idea to include your childhood, or family-of-origin issues.  Often times there are feelings there that we need to feel to heal.  Sometimes these unresolved issues cause problems we experience today.  Acceptance is sometimes all that is needed.

Often times we carry the messages from our childhood into our adult lives.  Messages such as "Don't feel", "Be perfect", "I am stupid".  Codependent behaviors are often there to help us not feel.  This step helps us feel those feelings, resolve the pain, and heal.  Avoiding our feelings can make us very sick.  Unresolved feelings can come out as other things, anger from our past may be affecting our relationships today.  It is important, through this step, to face these feelings, feel them, and heal.  It is important to learn how to live with your feelings and manage them in a healthy way.

This is not an opportunity to start blaming those who have hurt us, it is a time for us to heal.  We may run into issues of abuse and this must be handled with caution and may require some additional professional help.

Learning to Love Ourselves

The 12 step program has been called a "selfish" program.  From some aspects, this could be true.  It is all about us and our behaviors.  But it is also a self-esteem program.  It enables us to accept, work through, and find a solution to the problems that are causing us pain, shame, and guilt.  It lets us start changing our behaviors and make amends.  It also helps us accept who we are and that we make mistakes, but they don't define us.  We can learn to love ourselves, which is not selfish, but healthy.  "We do this without being afraid of what we will find.  We perform this task with love and compassion for ourselves.  We allow ourselves to have all the feelings about others we need to feel along the way, but our goal is to perform this task with as much love and compassion for others as possible - as long as that love and compassion doesn't reinforce our denial of reality.  We feel as angry, even rageful, as we need to feel at first, then we strive for forgiveness.  We go back to the past long enough to be able to finally to put it behind us and set ourselves free."

There are many ways to work this step and if you have heard a suggestion that interests you, try it.  You can also use alternate forms of healing to compliment the process, such as therapy, or massage.  This step doesn't have to be done perfectly, but be as honest and open as possible.  If you work it, it will work.

Opening our Hearts to Love

The author tells how before recovery she avoided self examination and her feelings at all costs through addiction, relationships etc.  When she first did this step it was very rudimentary but that was all it took to propel her into recovery.  It can be just the basics at first.  Her second Fourth step was more detailed and over time she just kept digging, living the Fourth step, peeling away layers of pain.  The process was painful, but it was a good pain, it was the pain of healing. 

The author describes this process of pain and emotion as she experienced it and it lasted a while.  During that time she was just hoping that it would pass and eventually she would simply return to how things were.  Then she had a spiritual moment where she forgave everyone from her past, the hardest person on the list being herself.  This freed her.  This broke her from the steel encasement she had built to protect herself and left her open and free to love. 

She hears people procrastinate about the Fourth Step and chuckles, because if they stick around long enough they will take this step whether they are ready or not, and they will be glad they did.

"We work these Steps to heal from our pain, fear, guilt, and limiting beliefs, but to do that, we must first recognize them.  This is our task in this Fourth Step.  Those who find the courage to look within are the people most comfortable with themselves, and recovery." . . .  "Not facing our pain, not facing our fears, is often the great motivator to the behaviors we call codependency.  Looking within is the key to releasing our pain and producing recovery and health in our lives."

Activities

1. Have you done any family-of-origin work yet? Have you identified any old beliefs or any feelings from the past?

2. Have you already done a Fourth Step? Do you feel up-to-date with feelings and issues?

3. Did any of the suggestions for doing this Step provoke your curiosity? You may want to set a reasonable goal for doing this Step. You can write your goal down and give yourself as much time as you want. For instance, "I want to do a Fourth Step in the next eighteen months." Or, "I want to do the Fourth Step in the next three weeks."

4. Do you feel blocked in any area of your life? Do you think it might be helpful to do a Fourth Step on that area?



-- Edited by Linistea on Friday 13th of May 2011 08:42:55 AM



-- Edited by Linistea on Friday 13th of May 2011 08:43:50 AM

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It took me several days to write this as it was very emotional for me.  A lot of tears.

In trying to identify the emotions I came up with one picture...

Giving birth to my daughter.  When I think of that day, that experience, what it has done for my life and how much I love her, I cry.  I am filled with a pure light, a pure love so profound, so wonderful - it is overwhelming.

Taking this step was that profound in my life and when I think about what it has done for me, I cry.

More later.  Just thought I would share that as I just hit submit on the initial post and am sitting her with tears streaming down my face.

Linistea



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Linistea, thank you for posting this and for sharing your feelings around it.

Taking my 4th step inventory was a really powerful experience for me. It all just flooded out. I wrote about feelings and experiences in a way that I had no idea I would, the whole process revealed so much to me. But I wasn't able to express any feelings about what I had written as I was taking my inventory. I knew I had a lot of grief and asked my hp help me to release it/express it, but it didn't come during the time I was writing my inventory. It wasn't until I came to take my 5th step and talk about what I had written with my sponsor that I was able to express my feelings. I hadn't been able to cry for a very long time, and as soon as I opened my mouth to talk with my sponsor, I started sobbing enormous heaving sobs and didn't stop until I had stopped telling her about what I had written about. It was completely unexpected to me that this would happen as I had tried for years to squeeze out a tear but I hadn't been able to cry for years. It was the most powerful experience, connecting again with my feelings and being able to express them openly and honestly for the first time in years with someone I totally trusted. Taking my 4th step inventory paved the way for me being able to allow myself to be seen and to allow myself to be vulnerable with someone I trusted. Taking my 4th and 5th step shifted and released something very powerful in me. Taking those steps has changed me, and I will be forever grateful for the change.

Thank you for sharing your experiences and feelings around the 4th step, Linistea. ((((((Hugs))))))

Freya

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I just wanted to say beautiful share and really a good job and thank you for the book study and step study, I will post my 3rd and 4th step experience tonight, but if I had to boil those two steps down to one word it would be freedom. freedom from....so much, the actions of others, guilt, shame, a boggy morass of confusion, blame, self loathing, resentments at others, loads i carried since childhood...the list goes on and on but ultimately freedom from self....it,s funny I can walk into any meeting, read 5 wordsfrom any post, hell I can tell from someones body language whether they have worked the steps with a sponsor, even if they are .going through it", like acting out whatever, there is a certain accountability from having done a fearless and thorough inventory and having done a fifth step with a competent sponsor, sitting down and saying, "well I told lies, that makes me a liar, in my 6 and 7 asking to have that lifted and 10~12 watching that I don,t do that any more, admitting yes, when I took that "extra" money I "found" that makes me a thief, going 6~12 and making that right, it was like taking a pressure washer to my heart and washing until I felt "clean", another by product was it made it difficult to be so judgmental of others, which was interesting since that is my "default" setting, because it,s hard to sit in judgment of someone who is just doing what I had been doing for so long, I began to forgive others and when I did that I began to forgive myself, since I learned we were ALL just doing the best we could and hurt people hurt people, scared people hurt people, as others had hurt me and I had hurt others...OK typing on my phone at work while pretending to be working is gwan end up on my tenth step tonight unless I get back to work, thank you again for your share and all your hard work once again Linistea, we DO appreciate it.
PS I also cried and sobbed with relief during certain 4th steps, I've done maybe 7 or 8 formally with a sponsor I forget, and 3 I think in study groups (Joe and Charlies)

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can't edit, anyway the point I was trying to make about admitting my wrongs is I am no longer "guarded" about them (in the medical sense, we "guard wounds" and infected areas) I can freely and openly admit my wrongs, past and present and make amends for them, and even catch myself while doing them and stop, there is incredible freedom saying "yes I did these things but I won't do them any more. and not having to lash out to protect myself, I always liked the line "before AA I judged myself by my intentions while everyone else judged me for my actions" today I judge myself by my actions which aren't always the greatest, but by admitting my wrongs I can change them, whereas when I judged myself by my intentions, i couldn't change anything, case in point when I was telling "white lies" to my girlfriend to keep her from yelling at me about going out and getting hammered, I'd get PISSED if she "questioned my integrity" and my sponsor gently explained having integrity means not lying to people Andrew, as long as you keep lying to her you HAVE no integrity, now the funny thing is I totally prided myself on my integrity, now don't laugh but I totally didn't see the correllation between lying to my girlfriend and a lack of integrity because I only lied to her with the best intentions, so before I worked the steps I viewed her as a vicious bit.. but after the steps I was like...oops, and could say, hey, sorry for lying, I won't do that any more, and own my part and it was the beginning of seeing the impact of my actions on those around me, even if I had the best intentions



-- Edited by LinBaba on Friday 13th of May 2011 04:04:51 PM

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OK, Home with a big keyboard, note to self, don't post from my phone, tiny little keyboard, I hunt and peck bad enough with a BIG keyboard...anyhow...

so MUCH in the fourth step, I have never had a baby but it was that earth shaking for me as well, it changed who I was as a human being....

It took a few trips through the steps but one thing I remember was I didn't understand "fear", and I didn't understand why everyone shared about fear, I did my fear inventory and it was blank, I wasn't afraid of anything, I charged HUGE waves, rode my motorcycle at speeds well over 150 mph, drunk, on mushrooms and on acid occasionally, I used to get drunk and climb the Golden Gate Bridge up the span, I did helicopter cliff rescues for a living, repelling down 300' foot cliffs at least twice a month, I was fearless...right? right?

I was until I stopped putting my life in danger, then I started getting panic attacks and anxiety attacks, I'd wake up 2 feet off the bed in sheer terror, so it got so bad I finally went to a therapist, we did a LOT of work around it, I remember her asking me "name a time when you actually DID feel safe when you were a child, like with a parent..."

and I couldn't...we couldn't figure out what was going on so she referred me to a psychriatrist, I got REALLY lucky because this guy had gotten so reknowned in dealing with people in Sobriety that he wasn't taking on any more patients, anyhoooooo, so we start talking and he diagnosis me "Counterphobic" which means I put myself in harms way as a way to address my fears and "manage them", as long as I risked my life climbing trees, cliffs, the Golden Gate Bridge, riding 20-35' foot waves, racing my motorcycle around at breakneck speeds I could put my fear in front of me and then "manage it", and when I stopped putting my life at risk, my fears started coming up, and I learned through my next fourth step that I was DRIVEN by fear, all my character defects were fear based, I ...never knew I was afraid...I literally didn't understand the concept...then I found out all I was was a "fear based", all my lies, all my drinking, my ego, my "better then" stuff, my judgmentalism, EVERYTHING was fear based....that was one of the reasons I drank and I didn't even know, drinking made me FEARLESS

That was an eye opener, now I have fear issues....sigh......but...more will be revealed, we grow...so anyway, I remember my first trip through the steps...

(I posted this next bit on the AA forum I think)

My sponsor told me I had to do the steps and be fearless and thorough

 

I said I don't want to do the steps, why should I do the steps?

 

To stay sober he said, we went round and round, finally I did steps 4 and moved into 5 just to prove him wrong

 

My sponsor and I had seemed to have differing ideas about what was wrong with me, I thought my problems were caused by other people and the fact I drank too much, he seemed to think my problems were I had a pathological inability to tell the truth to myself therefore others and I couldn't find my ass with 2 hands and a map and I was so monumentally self centered it bordered on delusional insanity

 

So to prove him wrong and to make the idiot happy I wrote down my entire life history, listing my resentments, my entire relationship history, all my fears, and we were going over them....he would use homilies, and cliches...."you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs....hell hath no fury....the road to hell is paved with good intentions...."

 

I was like why do I have tell this guy my whole life story just to listen to him spout cliche's?

 

so after we had gone over it he says, 

 

"hmm...so you never got your parents approval, if you got an A they asked it wasn't an A+?"

 

yeah...so?"

 

your parents belittled your achievements, so now even as an adult you are still trying to win their approval

 

uh huh

 

"so you also seem to have trouble saying No to people, you say no 2-3 times and then you say yes"

 

yeah...so what?

 

So you are afraid people won't like you and that's why you say yes? Even though you have more friends then you can count

 

ummm...yeah

 

You tell how incredible hard you work, you work 2 jobs and long hours, you work longer and harder then those around you, you then end up angry at because they aren't "pulling their weight"

 

yeah...so?

 

it shows here, after we did your relationship history, that you checked off the same behaviors in every relationship, how you were frightened, selfish, dishonest, manipulative, how if we talk about each relationship one at a time you have this great "story" about how it was the other person who was to blame, but when you write them all down in a column it's the same relationship over and over and over...you are the common denominator reliving the same relationships over and over.....

 

oooh, ouch...OK, yeah?

 

So what kind of person are we describing here?

 

what? my mind went blank...

 

what kind of person seeks approval from those around him, feels the need to lie to his girlfriends to protect himself, and no matter how much he does feels it's "never enough, what kind of person is a perfectionist at work and works harder then everyone else around him"

 

....umm...drawing a blank here.....

 

finally he said aren't you describing an insecure, fear based, self centered person with low self esteem who is destructive to everyone he comes into contact with? That can't seem to fit in anywhere he goes, he either has to struggle to the top of the heap or hide underneath it, who relives the same relationships he had with his parents over and over, trying to win approval by working harder then those around him because he has low self esteeem......Lets look at your list....

 

There it was, in black and white, staring back at me in my own handwriting, lifelong patterns that had started in my childhood, the picture of a train wreck so wrapped up in himself that he couldn't see how his actions impacted those around him, a fear based man that was the author of every one of his own miseries, caused every one of his problems, and all my resentments were the direct result of some action on my part, some decision based on self that placed me in a position to be hurt

 

Someone who didn't think the rules applied to him because he was terminally unique

 

Me? Mr sleep with all the ladies and popular with all the guys? Mr Popular? scared? a liar? insecure? the author of ALL my own miseries?

 

THAT'S why he used all those cliches, to show me I WASN'T different, that I was just like everyone else, that the rules DID apply to me, that I was no beautiful and unique snowflake, my sponsor was trying to show me that there was a lot of rules that had been around for a long time and that they probably wouldn't make an exception for me, I kept thinking life was going to turn out the way I wanted it to turn out, and I was wrong

 

Me doing the steps ripped away my denial and showed me how to take responsibility for my life and my decisions, I didn't have to be the helpless victim any more, the terminally unique snowflake that no one understood...

 

I had to do the steps and I had to do my own, I can't get self fulfillment taking YOUR inventory and applying them to me, I had to do my OWN inventory, so I could see ME looking back from every page in my own handwriting, selfish, self centered to such a delusional degree I didn't even see it, I had a complete and utter inability to see myself as I saw others so clearly

 

I was wrong about being a beautiful and unique snowflake that no one could understand

when I did the steps, 1-9 I became part of the human race, and I felt a closeness to a God I didn't believe in

It was explained to me that God was like "light", and fear, resentments, pride etc were like "window shades" that blocked the light from reaching my heart...that worked for me, because in doing these steps I have felt...like...nothing I could ever describe except...a light...shining through my solar plexus with an intensity so profound it nearly hurt, and I just sat there feeling this -light- stream through me as tears ran down my face from pure joy, granted this was after working MY steps and listening to a sponsees 5th step and giving him mine, after he drove away I did 6 and 7...and was...overwhelmed...

It goes away after awhile though I really have tried to "integrate" the steps into my life, you don't see me say "OK, everyone stop, I am doing my 10th step" or "SSHHH I am doing my 11th step, or stand aside, I'm doing 12th step work, I just DO them, they have become part of who I am, but the truth is I am me, and as me I slowly slide into delusion, thus have to do them every few years, take out the trash as it were....because it builds up


1. Have you done any family-of-origin work yet? Yes, but need more, pot was stirred last few years, have gone through steps once focusing on FOG, another trip is in order Have you identified any old beliefs or any feelings from the past? yes. gonna spare you the blow by blow

2. Have you already done a Fourth Step? 7-8 "formally, 3-4 "informally" Do you feel up-to-date with feelings and issues? Most of em, I have some things that need shaking out, some DEEP rooted stuff I feel it has taken this long to come out, that have been causing me and those around me pain for the last few years, I'm not sure if it's "old behavior, because...it...isn't, it appears to be fairly new bahavior triggered by old stuff if that makes sense

3. Did any of the suggestions for doing this Step provoke your curiosity? You may want to set a reasonable goal for doing this Step. You can write your goal down and give yourself as much time as you want. For instance, "I want to do a Fourth Step in the next eighteen months." Or, "I want to do the Fourth Step in the next three weeks." 30 days is pretty standard for a fourth step, which means on day 29 I write for 20 hours

4. Do you feel blocked in any area of your life? Do you think it might be helpful to do a Fourth Step on that area? AbsoLUTELY

 

I have done the steps in just about every format she has suggested, I am going to do some more reading, sit down with pen and Paper, getterdone over the next 30 days and sit down with my old sponsor, we have been in contact on FB, he has heard a few of my fourth steps so it will be helpful to pick up when last I did a fourth step, which is about right, thats about when I went bonkers was maybe 2 years after the last fourth step I did with him, so I won't need to cover ground I already covered, he was my sponsor for nearly 7 years so he's pretty familiar with my "case


Now this is just me, but I always "go to the master", I used to read all this happy horsepucky, the way of the peaceful warrior etc, but now I go to the mountain, I read Lao Tzu to learn about Taoism etc, so the guy who literally -wrote the book- on writing the fourth step actually had a few good things to say, no fourth step for me is complete without at least giving this stuff a look see, everything else is someone else's interpretation of this, which is fine, I have my own interpretation, and will be following Melody's Lead, but here is the basic Recipe

4Th Step

Directions (directions start at "next we launched out on...halfway down the page)



-- Edited by LinBaba on Friday 13th of May 2011 04:47:02 PM

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The fourth step for me was the opportunity to fully admit and accept things about myself.  There's something I had never done before!  Get over the BS and just admit it to myself the TRUTH about things I had done.  Set aside the stories, justifications and the "but they did this so ...".  Ouch! 

Later it started to be practicing that then looking at my motives.  Then it started to be practicing that and looking at why, what from my past, is causing me to exhibit this behavior in the first place.

All the while practicing change. 

Layers of an onion ... and sometimes the fumes are overwhelming .



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WOW! This was a powerful post for me. I'm getting ready to really do Step 4 and your interaction with you sponsor made me break out in a sweat! I know I am a fear based person and have NEVER felt safe. Why does it all come back to childhood. I don't like to visit that time because it was so violent, dangerous, and full of fear for me. My mother was always afraid and would tell me stuff like don't talk to strangers, don't open the door while I'm gone, don't look out the windows, etc. If she heard a noise then she'd grab a huge knife and we'd all walk through the house looking for an intruder. I don't know what the hell she thought she was gonna do with a knife since she was an itty bitty woman. All that doesn't even include the danger my step-father presented as a violent alcoholic. He'd come home from work at 5p and all hell would break loose. I still get anxious at that time to this day. I can't sleep at night because it was dangerous to do so when I was a kid. I've always worked night shift. I understand how these things make one fear based but what I don't know is how to let go of the fear.
Leandra confuse

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Spent my morning reading the step 4 study, no time to start on the inventories yet but I am glad to do it soon. Got to get to work. Just wanted to post because 4th steps are always exciting to me :).

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I am excited for you!  I dreaded the 4th step the most but after it became my favorite and remains so.



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WOW WOW and more WOW, this whole thread is awesome......step 4.....to me it was my best friend b/c for the first time, working it back in 2004 when i got into the 12 steps arena i loved getting to know me and they whys and hows i got so screwed up.......this is an incredible thread....the brave shares here

I liked the reference to a "god i did not belive in" yep thats me...agnostic.....but to think of it as a light...or to refer to this program as my higher power.....yea, i can get a grip on that....

i never had good experiences with the traditional god the bible god, all that...i don't buy into the bible or the god the churches talk about...as a native american, to me my HP or Creator (hate the word god--trigger--used against me by my offender/sire) anyway, i hated and feard and to this day I still hold resentments towards the G-d i was taught about b/c WHY would any loving supreme being allow heinous acts done to children??? i will never get past that.....i want so much to dump my resentments towards this being/diety and just think of it as a positive energy source that is WITHIN ME and yes, through out the universe...and i am a small piece of that universe so therefore i have a piece of creator WITHIN me...I can maybe get a grasp on that.....my life and all the trauma made it impossible for me to be mainstream or orthodox in anything.....I had to just dump all previous concepts of what i was taught re: the G-d thingy and just find my own.....

my two resentments (was able to cast away the rest working program) are at the G-d thing and at my offender..like why G-d would allow such devastation tome and then not to recompense me for what the locust ate.....big resentments towards both of them......it may take all my life to cast away those resentments which are sort of hate , too......my old sponsor told me one time..."if you don't like your HP....fire it and find a new one".......so far program and the good forces in the universe fit the bill....

thanks for letting me ramble....

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Katie J. 

Love begins within me and then radiates out to the universe



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bump



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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi



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I really need to do this but don't even know what I think a lot of the time or how to start it.

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Thank you for your service in breaking down ways to approach this step.  Ive chosen to follow Louie Anderson and write letters to my deceased, alcoholic father.  As someone who does not cry often reading that paragraph on page 75 made me bawl.  the whole process of working through my co-dependency in recovery has left me feeling like I did in my early twenties when I'd just be tearful and neurotic once a month.  It's funny I did an amends to an ex boyfriend from that time I've just found him after many years.   I've tried this fellowship a few times.   I'm at rock bottom with the gift of desperation.  Being a sponsor for more than a decade.  I'm grateful to see my family of origin patterns popping up in my 12th step work.  First it seeped into my job where  I felt I was working with various family members.  I assumed my role as the hard working one supporting everyone else to succeed.  This was a blessing as it made me examine why I was there and who I was serving.  I'm now self employed and enjoying every minute using my work ethic to further my hopes and dreams.  I'd also like to write an inventory of CODA characteristics and behaviours I've used to protect myself especially care taking, control and compliance.  Ive used compliance to get my needs met.  My control issues are more obvious now as my confidence and self esteem rise so does my boldness to assert myself negatively.  I'm thankful for this forum as I've spent hours tussling with Skype to get onto telephone meeting this evening but to no avail.  At least I can say from my heart that I want the buck to stop with me so I'm no longer co-dependent in any of my relationships.



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Hello Wifey,

So very glad you found us!  I LOVE your self-awareness.  It sounds like you have had quite some time in recovery and I am anxious to hear your Experience, Strength & Hope.  It sounds like you have a hit a bump, we all do, and we are here an understand.

What really rang true for me was the ""As someone who does not cry often ...".  I used to never cry.  Through recovery I learned I am an empath.  An empath who didn't cry, who bottled everything in.  WOW!  No wonder I was so messed up!  An empath walking around trying to not feel.  It's like walking around trying not to breathe!  I still don't cry much, but I FEEL and I FEEL fully and I love it.  All the good and the bad.  I also try to manage (not control ) how much feeling I accept from others as I can get overwhelmed.

Thank you so much for your share!

Willing



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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi

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