I am in AA and have been working a very strong program. I have a wonderful sponsor and have worked the 12 steps. I regularly secretary and chair meetings, I do a lot of service work in my homegroup...I help newcomers. I often hear newcomers speak at meetings and though I try not to be judgmental, I can't help recoiling from how toxic some of them come in. I'm not talking about physical symptoms of withdrawal, but spiritually ill. I often hear newcomers come in venting serious resentments, blaming everyone else for their problems, airing a general attitude of victimization, and I would think to myself, "I remember being like that, and I've really come a long way since I first came into the program."
Well, guess what. I'm just as toxic as these AA newcomers in a different way, in relationships. I'm a newbie in CoDA and the other day when I was sharing about my latest failed relationship and what "this ******* did and how he is making me so miserable and can you believe he did THIS to me and expected me to do THAT and..yada yada yada..." I looked into the eyes of an oldtimer in the room and I recognized that same pained look of pity and disdain I must have in my own eyes at AA meetings when toxic people are sharing...and I thought to myself, "Holy crap! I am totally, completely toxic and know NOTHING about this program." I quickly ended my rant and sank into my chair, determined to take the cotton out of my ears and stuff it in my mouth.
Next, I went directly to the half-price bookstore and picked up a copy of "Codependency through the 12 STeps" by Melody Beattie and began reading. "Step One: We are powerless over other people, and our lives had become unmanageable." I smiled to myself, as I know how this works. I have hope that I can be teachable in this program, as I have in AA. But I'm a newcomer all over again. Today I received the gift of humility. Thank you, God!
HeatherK, I feel very moved reading your post. Thank you for sharing. Before entering the 12 step programme, I didn't understand that humility had such power for change in it. Now I feel so grateful that I have had moments of humility due to working the programme and that in those moments I have been able to listen and undestand more about how to let go and how to be willing to change. Freya
Thank you Freya and Lilmzx! When feeling humility in the past I have equated that with shame, and ran and hidden within my shell, but now I see it as a growth opportunity. I am not a bad person because I'm new and learning. I have firmly ingrained negative patterns of relationship behavior, and it is all i have known. The more I accept that and recognize the unmanageability that accompanies this behavior the more I can surrender and just BE. By myself, but not alone anymore. I'm feeling better about myself all the time- the more I practice self care and positive affirmations, focus on my solitude and getting to know what my needs and wants are, who I am, and what I want to give others, the greater my self esteem.
I am currently single and holding myself back FORCIBLY from seeking out and entering into another relationship. I have to force my thumbs not to text that new guy, or that old flame in desperation loneliness, and anxiety. I have let go of the past and past behaviors, learn to detach and forgive myself and others. I know I have so much to learn and cannot think about getting involved in something new, now matter how enticing that exciting new romance feeling is that lures me. I cannot dwell on the seemingly impossible suggested "years of dating abstinence" in the Pia Mellody works, but instead focus on one day at a time... the very strategy that works so well in other recovery programs.
Today I will not obsess over HIM... the old target of my love addiction, the one who I place above all others and compare all others to. The guy I've chased for years who is just so enticingly out of reach...Today I will not be fantasy-bound and believe that the fantasy is love. I need to learn what love is and that starts within me. Other attempts at seeking love have led me to behave as one who is love addicted, focusing all importance on my romantic interest as if he is a God.
I can do this. One day and one meeting at a time. Next, to find a sponsor. Heather
Thank you for sharing the humility Heather. God does have a sense of humor. It's hard not to take inventory and compare. It's such a default setting. A way to excuse myself from my responsible and pin it on someone else. It's filled with Pride and arrogance. Look at me; I'm better.
I've learned here that no one can MAKE me feel or do anything. The feelings or the doing is my part. I'm just starting in this journey as well. What I'm trying to do today is accept people, places and things for exactly the way they should be and then respond internally or externally on what's best for me. Sorta like accept the things we can't change and change the things we can (me) and the wisdom to know the difference. Harder to do than say.
Great awareness, which for me is the beginning of change. It smarts sometimes to realize things about yourself that you didn't even know are there - but it can become a beautiful thing, a wonderous process that doesn't have to be shaming. It can be approached with gratitude when you find things about yourself you want to change, because if you don't find them - how can you change them?
I recoiled a bit when you said the oldtimer looked at you with pity and disdain. Do you really believe that is what it was? Perhaps it was love and compassion???
I love the humility and honesty of your share. Thank you very much.
Perhaps it was, Linistea. I'm a bit of a paranoid type...I jump to conclusions and make assumptions about what I "think" others are thinking of me. At any rate I shouldn't guess, but instead maybe approach the person after the meeting next time and strike up a conversation. I sensed something, there was feeling behind her eyes. Honestly, I was embarrassed after the meeting and bolted soon after the serenity prayer. I will be back, though.
Interesting side note, the object of my obsession has been calling/texting a lot lately...and instead of me seeing this as proof of his love, I see it as his attempts at seduction. I know the cycle. He calls when he wants something (sex) , I mistake it for undying love, we hook up, he disappears, I chase... he ignores, I feel worthless. I eventually give up...Sometimes I vow NEVER AGAIN, I seek out another relationship distraction (a filler), this feels unsatisfactory, I feel desperate, then out of the blue he calls again with his seductions and promises, and instills hope of love, the cycle continues.
NOT this time. I am not responding to his advances. It's taking all I have not to get caught up in the love addiction cycle. It brings up all kinds of feelings of anxiety and craving. I know I need a meeting, I need to pray, I need meditation to clear my head, I need to do some service work. Anything but act on the impulse to respond. Please pray for me, I'm very sick! UGH- Heather
thank you for your insight and thoughts on your struggle. I too struggle every day with co-dependency, finally am seeing a therapist and now I desparately need a 12 step or even a 1 step program to work on myself. I have attended 12 step meetings in the past at Al Anon meetings, but always I went for one of the addicts in my family, never for me. I hope I will have the strength and courage to attend a regular 12 step group, and find the hope that you talked about.
