I heard this somewhere but can't remember. It said stay away from people, places and things that trigger alcoholism. What about codependency?
Since dealing with the relative of a friend, memories that I have been trying to repress since September are coming back with a vengence. It's like I can remember the whole conversation and the feelings as if it happened yesterday. I've been trying to work them out of my head to not allow it to occupy space, but it's not working as fast as I would like.
Has anyone gone through this? Any thoughts on this would be great. Thanks.
I can totally relate. I guess the first step is removing ourselves from the toxic situation and once we do that....work on forgiveness....this is my journey at least. I can feel relief from not having those toxic people directly in my life, but as I heard Marianne Williamson say, we never stop having a relationship with someone just because they are not in our lives. So, I too can be going along ok then whammy, conversations play over in my head and the feelings are just as intense as they were when the conversation took place. This is currently a stumbling block for me.
One author, Philip St Romain, says that codependents must give up the relationship in this sense: What we give up is not the other person but the effort to control them. This means that we must give up all enabling, rescuing, caretaking, people pleasing, approval-seeking, and other manipulative behavior.
This is exactly where I'm at. My adopted son is now 26 years old. Since turning 18, he has been in jail twice. And twice I've bailed him out and even went to court as character witness for him. He seems to have managed to stay out of trouble since the second time. What i struggle with is my need for him to show his gratitude for what I've done for him. He finds it hard to express his feelings but there have been times that I become manipulative so that i might have that expression of gratitude from him. I Never get it. I will go through the whole Drama Triangle--Rescuer, Persecuter, Victim--he can never get to the point of thanking me. So I'm back at the first step--I am powerless over him, my life has become unmanageable. I need to turn my will over to God.
Its not easy. And its bringing me back to my own childhood issue of abandonment.
I can really relate to this too gladysq, and I really like what you've shared JamesToo2 from Philip St Romain about giving up the effort to control the other person rather than giving up the person themselves. But it's very hard. My co-dependency is deeply entrenched and I am powerless over it. I can be in a situation with someone who means a lot to me and find myself believing I'm letting go and not controlling when actually the controlling behaviour has popped up in a different form, in a different way that I hadn't even been aware of, and I had been thinking it was something else, like setting a boundary, helping someone, yadda, yadda, but it isn't it's control. Then there are all the ways that my head will justify the controlling behaviour to me, "Well, they did this, so you reacted like that" and I find it so hard not to believe the justifications, when actually, it doesn't matter what another person is or isn't doing, that's taking their inventory, it's what's going on in my head, and how I'm choosing to behave that matters in my relstionships. Chicken and egg thinking just gets me into painful places where I feel frustrated and angry and powerless because I'm waiting for the other person to do it differently before I do it differently.
I can relate to what you've said,Butterfly, about forgiveness. I try to be compassionate with myself and to forgive myself for not being able to do things differently at the time the conversations took place, or now, as I'm replaying the conversations and am not able to let them go. I then find that I can let something go more easily if I'm able to understand my part in it, and how I chose to behave. So by taking my inventory around a painful conversation or situation I can find what was causing me to feel the pain, what I was believing the situation meant about me and my feelings, and what story I was telling myself around the other person's behaviour and words. Usually I find I'm telling myself a negative story about myself, and that I'm judging their behaviour and words as meaning something negative about me, when actually I don't know what they're thinking and feeling or why they're saying what they're saying.
I'm new to doing it this way and I find it hard, but it makes a difference to how I feel about myself so I'm going to keep doing it that way as far as I can, and to forgive msyelf when I mess up and go into old behaviours. Freya
Thanks for all the posts. They are helpful. I have noticed that with new relationships I dont get into codependent ways because I am cognizant of not behaving in that manner with them, but with the old ones the familiar ways that I gained sympathy through my problems comes through. I also seem to have been feeding off their problems being a rescuer/victim also through their problems. None of my friends are really healthy friendship wise. I have to change my ways.
I do have 1 friend who is unavailable, and I have tried for years to distance myself. She wants to be my friend but has not changed. It's all about her. She never asks about me or even inquires. She just calls to talk about herself. The only reason I have allowed it recently because we go back over 20 years. She lives out of state.
I decided I will let her call, but will take her calls only if I want to hear her soliloquy. The other friend, I realize, calls,about her problems and uses me as a sounding board. I end up getting involved, but then get rebuffed after I've stated an opinion regarding one of the friends or have made a suggestion. I'm just going to listen. No advice, even if asked.
I don't want to get involved anymore. That drama is draining. I thought being a good friend meant being there for people to listen and share, but I also used them to sound off regarding my problems. I am ashamed of that now and don't want to go back to my old ways. I've made as many amends as I possibly could to my friends. Now is a new day for me, and no more drama, even from them.
If I start to get these old feelings that make me feel cody, I'm cutting the conversation short. It's too much for me to go back to my old ways, and too easy also. I am powerless over others lives, but do have control over my own. Live and let live. Forgive and move on. JamesToo2, that is so right, the definition of giving up relationships. The old friends like the old me, though. I can see that. I will probably lose more friends, but at least this time it will be for doing what is right for me and not because I'm desperate to keep them so I'll take whatever they dish out.
