I'm Tilda, codependent. I went for the first time to a face to face CoDA meeting yesterday. I also recently discovered the board, while gathering information on my dis-ease. But tonight is special: I went for the first time to a ballet show. And cried for the duration of it. And now I feel I need to vent, and try to put some kind of order in my thoughts and feelings.
Ballet is heartbreaking because I've wanted to be a ballerina ever since I can remember. In lieu of that, I could settle for gymnast or synchronized swimmer or artistic skater. It didn't happen. My parents never gave me the chance. To be fair, they did: I was in a few ballet classes at 6, until "there were no more ballet classes at your school, so." My mother's words. I'm 32 going on 33, and if I had been a ballerina I'd be retiring. Instead, I feel I've spent my whole life trying to live up to others, my parents especially. It's an even longer story, but I still allow them to rule my life, even though I'm financially independent. And I'm angry at myself for that.
At this ballet show, I spent most of the time trying to figure out what exactly it was that they found reprehensible in ballet. It's not like we didn't have sports activities and such (I apologize for the plural, I can't seem to help it and it seems dishonest to edit it. I'd rather explain it. My sister and I were born just 17 months apart, I being the eldest. We were always bunched together). We did have swimming, skating, horse riding and tennis classes after school (none of them AT school. Funny how that didn't seem to matter anymore). But I never got to choose.
In times like this, I try to explain my parents' behaviour. They never put me in ballet classes because it was too expensive. Because it was too dangerous. Because my sister didn't like it (she didn't) and my mother didn't want to force her to do something she didn't like. Because it was too girly. This seems the most likely, as when we were little they didn't like to buy us clothes, dresses in particular. It was stupid to wear dresses and even stupider to have or play with dolls. To quote my mother again: "And anyway, what do you want dolls for? All you do with them is take their clothes off, dunk them in water and leave them lying around. What do you want to wear a dress for, if you'll want to run and play and it will get in the way." But ballerinas look so pretty, and happy, and competent, and elegant, and proud, and they can do so many amazing things... I still can't understand why wouldn't they like me to be a ballerina. It's easier to understand why they wouldn't want me to be a woman. Funny, that's less painful.
Almost two years ago, at the grand old age of 31 I began taking ballet lessons. It was wonderful. I have the body type for it, I enjoy it, I'm talented for it. I'm also three times as old as I should be for ballet. I haven't resumed my classes after a trip I made in November, and I'm doubting whether I should spend that money in that activity. Sometimes it seems silly. Sometimes I think I should get over it and move on and focus on the next few years because if I don't hurry up to mate and reproduce I'll be wanting a kid at 60. And then I'll be three times as old as I should be for having a kid.
I have lived by myself, 300 miles away from them, for more than 10 years. I live modestly but I feel comfortable. Still, I often feel like I don't belong to this city and like I should move back to their city (sometimes even to their house). My father constantly tries to manipulate me into that. I still feel that I should first make some more money and get some kind of "stability" and ONLY THEN can I think of my ballet classes and the rest of my life. My parents don't respect my choices, and I still think that if I only had some more money they would respect me. Instead, they seem to want to parent me NOW and they seem to expect me to be happy because they buy clothes for me as gifts NOW (not dresses, mind you).
I had an aha! moment today. They don't respect me because they don't respect me and if it's not the money it's got to be something else. But I feel irresponsible not to plan for the future, not to amass some kind of capital. I am a good saver, I manage my money well and I'm proud of that. There's just too little of it to get any property right now. I want to go buy a pair of pointe shoes. But I think there are better uses for that money, like saving it.
Anyway, as I reread I'm spotting all sorts of codependent behaviour all over the place. And I could go on and on and on. I felt extremely angry earlier on. Now I'm just sad. I apologize for any mistakes or odd expressions in my writing, English is not my birth language.
Hello Tilda, welcome to the board. Thank you for sharing your sadness and anger. I have found this board a safe and healthy place to be able to share feelings that I find difficult and the people here have always responded with experience, strength and hope that has helped me.
I can relate to your feelings here. My parents were both very controlling as I was growing up. I found it very difficult to find out who I was and what I liked to do because so much of what I did and how I spent my time, especially in my teen years, was controlled by them. I always wanted to play the piano. When I was about 6 or 7 I started to ask my parents if I could have piano lessons. My mother found a piano teacher and "put me on the waiting list". Each week I would ask if it was time for me to start lessons. I even made myself a small piano keyboard out of paper and would sit and run my fingers on it as if I was playing it! My mother told me each week that there wasn't a vacancy. Then, she started having piano lessons with the piano teacher I was on the waiting list for. She bought a piano and would practice between her lessons. I wasn't allowed to touch the piano because I couldn't play it properly and made "too much noise". For years I asked if my name had got to the top of the waiting list yet. It never had. After a couple of years my mother stopped taking piano lessons. She sold the piano. It was only years later I realised my name had never been on that waiting list. For a very long time I was angry and felt controlled by my mother's need to adopt the things I love as her own loves in life. She has done this in different forms for the whole of my life. She took the address of my penpal and wrote to her, and to this day still writes to her and her family. When my penpal sends photos of her family to my mum in parcels of presents that they exchange, my mum will point out my penpal as if I don't know her and never met her and say "That's_______, my friend in Spain." It was when I joined Coda that I began to understand what my mother was doing and why.
When I was in my twenties and living overseas, I took piano lessons, I wanted to try and reclaim for myself the thing I had always wanted to do. I loved it, but I told myself it was stupid to do it, I wasn't a child, it was too late, I would never be any good at it etc, etc and I took the joy out of it for myself. Lately I have started doing all the things I love to do simply because I love them, they give me joy. Each time I do one of the things I love I have another piece of joy to add to my life, however small or insignificant I may think it seems. I've learned that, for me, each moment of joy however small is very precious and very important because it is each of these small moments that build and grow into a life filled with joyful moments. So I tell myself each day to do something that I love, that gives me joy, that lifts my heart, that makes me smile simply because, I love it, it gives me joy, it lifts my heart and makes me smile. Doing something I love each day helps me know myself and what I love. I keep a notebook, and each day I list in it the things I have done that day that I have really enjoyed. Now I have a notebook filled with all the things that I love to do, that express who I am, and when I feel angry and confused, I go to the notebook, look down the list, and pick something that jumps off the page that I know I will enjoy that day, then I build it into my day. Things like, sitting on the beach getting blown around, painting, sitting in the garden with the sun on my face. Small things that I consciously do to show myself love and respect.
I have found Coda a safe and loving place for me to express and experience my anger and grief at how my needs were not met as I was growing up. Each time I share another piece of my story, and experience understanding and support from the other people in the fellowship, I feel that I reclaim another piece of who I authentically am. I cannot change my parents, I am powerless over them. I can explore who I am, the kind of person I want to be, and, one day at a time, learn to lbring into my life the things that nourish me and help me love and respect myself.
Thank you for your share Tilda.
Freya
-- Edited by Freya on Thursday 2nd of June 2011 03:01:07 AM
-- Edited by Freya on Thursday 2nd of June 2011 03:02:30 AM
Recognizing our pain from childhood, reconciling it, accepting it, and forgiving is a VERY difficult path. I carried so much pain from my upbringing. Once in recovery, through the process of really uncovering who I am and the mistakes I have made, I have learned to forgive my parents. I am also very fortunate to have the experience of being a parent myself. I think coming to terms with my parents would be much harder if that was not the case. My daughter is 18 and I love her so much it hurts. She has been my top priority every waking moment for those 18 years. I am SURE that she will end up, if she doesn't already have, some serious issues with mistakes I have made while raising her. I forced her to play volleyball. I forced her to play the flute. I pushed her to try different things, the difference is with you and Freya is that she had no passion for ANYTHING. I never had to say "No, you can't do that" because she never asked to do anything. For two years during her teens I got lost in a toxic relationship and alcohol. She saw things I never thought she would. But she also saw me jump into recovery, pick myself, and make amends to her. We also just moved to a city it ends up we both dislike quite a bit. I could afford a house here. There are good colleges here. But I ripped us both away from our friends, family, and a geographic area that was a part of my soul and hers - the wine country, redwoods, beach . . . Now we live in a big city that's soul is full of sadness, crime, and heartache. In trying to do my best and provide a better life for her and a good future for myself (purchased my first home) I made a mistake - I bruised both of us to the core. But I was just trying to do the right thing. I was just trying to be a good parent.
As parents we struggle to do the right thing. I know that parenting is not a responsibility for me, it is a blessing and I love my girl beyond what words can describe. My main goal in life is to see her happy - no matter what she decides to do or be. I also know that other people do not see it that way - parenting is a responsibility and they look forward to the time that it is done. I can empathize with that too and believe that is what it was like for my parents. And that is OK. I understand now. They did the best they could do with the feelings, love, and responsibility that they had. It was a different time then as well. Perhaps that is how they were brought up and don't know any better.
I have never been to tied up with my mother. She hurt me terribly over and over as a child and at 12 years old I walked away and have never really had a good relationship with her since - nor let anything she does, says or thinks go very deep with me. My father . . . I have been emotionally tied to his opinion and approval of me since I was a little girl. I put him up on a pedestal and carried so much anxiety to obtain his approval, which I never seemed to be able to do. Since entering recovery I have almost all but stopped the internal struggle and berating myself for not meeting his approval - and guess what? Our relationship has blossomed - and nothing really changed except my internal thinking . . . my self confidence . . . my lack of need for his approval. He and his wife were just here last weekend - they drove 4 hours just to come have dinner with me and enjoy my new home. He was so proud of me and I really don't think that he has ever NOT been proud of me - I was just too tangled up in myself to see it.
I felt for many years this overwhelming desire to be accepted as an adult - a responsible adult that could take care of herself and make her own decisions. I looked for approval from my Dad on EVERYTHING and things I didn't think he would approve of, I didn't tell him. Funny thing is - is I was being the responsible adult for a couple of decades, being treated like one as well, but until I accepted it - it was not true. Now I get to do things that make me happy without worry about what someone else will think. I am 40 years old and it is never too late . . . never. When I was your age, after my ABF died of cancer, I started SCUBA diving, taking ballroom dancing - things I had always wanted to do. So I did them. And I loved every second of it. I am starting college in a week. It is never too late. If something brings me joy and I chose not to do it for whatever reasons - then I am the only one responsible for holding me back.
I am so glad you went to a meeting and I hope you continue to attend. I don't know if you have heard much about finding a sponsor and working the 12 steps - if you haven't and have questions, please feel free to ask.
At 37 years old I was still and hurt child, carrying around the pain from my past and letting it create so much anxiety, fear, low self-esteem. After working the steps I got to walk that child into the light and help her heal and grow into a beautiful woman. I was always the responsible, hard working mother on the outside. . . but not on the inside. Now I found peace and continue to reconcile who I am on the outside to who I am on the inside.
Sorry for the ramble. Just my experience, strength & hope.
Thank you very much Freya and Linistea for sharing! I can identify with quite a few things you point out.
Although during the first meeting I felt ashamed, I have since felt better and I'm looking forward to the next one. It's good to know there is a way that has helped others.
