Boundaries to me are what the entire Program hinge on, learning where I end and another person begins, I spent nearly my entire life wondering why my "boundaries" worked with some people but not others, because I thought enforcing a boundary meant informing another person how they had harmed me, telling them "I feel ____ (hurt, betrayed, etc) by this behavior and asking them not to do that any more, in some cases, the person listens, reflects what I said back to me, owns their part, makes amends, and then ceases that behavior, but what about the people who continued the behavior?
THAT is where the boundary comes in, what I just described is just good communication skills and a healthy give and take in a healthy relationship
Even Step One is nothing but a boundary, consider AA and Alanon's first step:
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol
That means we are unable to control or moderate someone else's drinking
We also admit we are powerless over people in -our- first step, we can't -get- them to behave as we'd like, not by being nice, not by being mean, not by yelling, not by passive aggressive tactics (salting the oats so the horse gets thirsty lol)
Step One tells us where we end and they begin, our "power" ends in a hula hoop whose outer diameter ends at the tip of my nose
and our lives had become unmanageable
Because we were spending all our time managing someone else's life with such an adverse reaction, and heavy resistance we lost sight of managing our own lives, our efforts at control increase and their efforts at resistance increase, we resort to passive aggression, they resort to "Gaslighting*" as the natural result of being "controlled" and pretty soon everyone is sicker then before and viola', "my life is unmanageable"
*(look it up, gaslighting is crazy making, and I think the natural response to passive aggression, the lies just start getting jumbled up so pretty soon you have like 3 seperate realities happening)
Admitting I am powerless over someone else's drinking and my life is unmanageable as the result of trying to manage their lives and becoming so enmeshed in alcoholic insanity IS A BOUNDARY, it's -THE- Boundary, it shows where my power ends, only by focusing on myself and my actions rather then my reactions am I able to "take my power back"
The serenity prayer is a prayer that asks us to look at our boundaries
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
I finally began to view myself as someone who had handed my car keys to someone who was a terrible driver and let them drive me around, and "we" started getting in accidents, so I started becoming a bit of a "back seat driver", I started giving advice and direction and maybe some little hints how to drive, but with me distracting her we started getting in even worse accidents, so I began yelling at her, pretty soon we were getting in fender benders on the freeway and I started actually getting injuries from her accidents, I did everything I could to "make" her a better driver, bringing her different driving manuals, giving her advice, yelling, threatening to leave, leaving, and I'd tell anyone who would listen about what a terrible driver she was, and point out how many ways her driving hurt me, and point out how much better of a driver I was, meanwhile she was viewing me as trying to wrestle control of -HER- car away from her as we both fought over the steering wheel causing more car crashes and more injuries and by the end I was nearly rabid, people would ask how I was and all I could tell them about was "her" and how harmful she was to me, and she was over on the other side, and all she could talk about was how harmful I was as we fought for control over each others lives and behaviors
One day I just got out of the car...it was that simple
It was no longer "her fault" because I was no longer giving my power away, that dynamic makes both partners INCREDIBLY sick, step one and boundaries are the beginning foundation to break that dynamic
Expectations are external, boundaries are internal
Expectations are what we have with other people, usually after they fail to meet them repeatedly, and then we lay down what we mistakenly call "a boundary" <insert behavior modification here> such as " I need you to call if you are going to be home late, especially if I have prepared dinner" after (s)he has come home late for dinner repeatedly, with an expectation and -wrongfully labeled boundary- we repeat this over and over getting angrier and angrier, whereas with a -boundary- we say if you _____ I will _______
Boundaries are internal ways to take distance and protect ourselves from other peoples actions, we may say boundaries out loud or not, but in this instance we might say "If You are late for dinner and don't call again I will not prepare dinner for you for a month
and then if (s)he is late one more time, and then subsequently comes home on time even after that I would prepare my dinner, but not theirs and sit down and enjoy it, whether they were there or not
It can even be more dramatic, such as "If you ever hit me again, I will Leave you and call the Police" or even "If you continue to drink and lie I will be forced to leave you not "you need to change your behavior" but "these are the actions I am going to take", and the absolutely -CRITICAL- part is holding up our end of the boundary, both for us, AND for them, because if we don't we teach both them AND us to not respect us, to not believe we have enforcable boundaries, because we don't, and in my experience that is as equally unhealthy for me as it is for them, we -both- get sick if I have a -negotiable boundary-, I have leanred this both in my personal life and my professional one, it doesn't mean we don't negotiate or have "rigid thinking" but boundaries are "bottom lines" and as such aren't negotiable, I mean even countries to change boundaries (borders) go to war, and the stronger subjugates the weaker, and then "changes the border", I have found the same is true in my interpersonal relationships, if I don't enforce my boundary it teaches us both codependent manipulation, and many other forms of covert warfare or even full frontal warfare, it's just unhealthy with bad results for me
It's said that an expectation is a resentment waiting to happen, because in this instance we are expecting someone to behave in way that -we- want, even if we think it is fair, and it very well may be, it may be a -bottom line- or -deal breaker- behavior, but the single most important thing about boundaries is coming up with realistic ones and then holding to them no matter what, otherwise we just teach people our boundaries are meaningless
I spent years wondering why my "boundaries" seemed to work with some poeple but not others, and I automatically labeled the people who didn't "respect my boundaries" as wrong, bad, and sick, when the truth of the matter standing in front of somebody saying the same thing over and over isn't me enforcing a boundary, it's me attempting to modify or control their behavior and then getting sick, literally sick when it doesn't work, I was going to a hardware store for bread, or I was going to a "dry well for water"
Today I try and use "I feel" statements, lets use the dinner as an example, "I feel when you come home late without calling when I have been cooking you dinner, it shows a lack of respect for me, and if you come home late again without calling, I won't prepare your dinner for a month"
end of conversation, no excuses, no
J:ustify
A:rgue
D:efend
E:xplain
This is how I feel and it is non-negotiable, as is my boundary
If my expectation is that this person who has repeatedly come home late without calling will miraculously begin to call and begin respecting me, I have put a guaranteed resentment in the bank, because in my experience if you have to explain something to somebody like common courtesy and respect more then 3 times they are not likely to suddenly "get it", however, if I put down a boundary (an interior action) I can now protect myself from this behavior
Boundaries are internal, and they -NEVER- ever ever involve someone else changing their behavior, it's how I protect myself from people who -don't- change their behavior, as opposed to -behavioral modification-, which I mistook for boundaries for very many years, there is by definition, no way someone can "not respect my boundary" because my boundary is mine, not theirs, and if they supposedly "don't respect my boundary" I either am in -the wrong relationship- or -have failed to enforce my boundary- it's not on them, it's on me to enforce my own boundaries, whereas the expectation would be "they WILL respect my boundary" and then get upset when they don't...for the 300th time, then maybe give them a lecture about how "If nothing changes, nothing changes" and "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results" and completely miss the irony of what I am saying
So expectations are what I have of other people, ways I want -them- to behave, usually after they don't, and boundaries are a way to protect me from others.
Boundaries can also be covert nearly, such as my father for many years liked to say fairly mean (but true) about my mother and her side of the family, for years I tried to get him to stop and all we'd do is fight, I finally learned to say -the moment- he started doing that "oh someone is at the door" or "I'm getting another call" or "I'm going outside to smoke" and he stopped doing it, he just doesn't do it any more
One thing I learned about "defences" is by nature people attack them, that's why they are called "defences, so when I got "defensive" I invited "attack", with a boundary...it's hard to explain, but it's not a defence, it's a way to remove oneself from harms way emotionally speaking, and when my boundaries are healthy, they not only get respected but they almost seem to disappear because they aren't needed, but they HAVE to be firm.
I wrote on this forum for example about trying to help a family member get sober, and I couldn't do it (my sister) because I lacked the necessary emotional strength to hold as firm with my boundaries as I could with "anonymous" young men, with them I could be merciless, first sign of any BS and they were out, no if's ands or buts, and truthfully, they ALL got sober, and stayed that way for the most part, but with my sister I wasn't able to enforce my boundaries nearly as strongly, they proved to be "negotiable", and then although I was the one that caved in on enforcing my boundary, I responded with anger and "kashback" because of my inability to enforce my boundary, and this was the dynamic that got us both "sicker", my sister didn't end up getting sober until years later and we both ended up incredibly angry and hurt with each other, because I was unable to maintain my boundaries with her, I had "expectations" instead, and all it did was harm both of us because I was unable to maintain my boundaries
__________________
it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
A couple of weeks ago, a "friend" failed to show up for a breakfast he himself arranged. Having gone drinking the night before, he slept into the afternoon. I expressed my feelings by saying something like this "When you didn't show up for breakfast, I felt sad, disappointed and disrespected by you." Being a codependent, I didn't let it end with that feeling statement. I went on to recall all the other times he has disappointed, saddened, and disrespected me. He came back with even more abusive language. I think that our relationship is now on its last leg.
James, all my friends bailed on me yesterday for breakfast and bowling. We were going to have our usual group bowling on Sunday morning, and no one showed. I had a choice to make. Be the victim, be sad, angry, disappointed in what THEY did to ME and give them power and control over my emotions....OR ...
Not allow another person to control how I think, feel, or act. And that's what I chose. I thought to myself, "I'm hungry for breakfast, I enjoy bowling, this will be good practice, and this will be quality time with myself." and I stayed. I ate breakfast, bowled alone, and had a wonderful time!
Basically, I have no power over THEM, and they have no power over ME. I like myself and enjoy my own company, so I just let it go. Detached from whatever thoughts or feelings I may have once obsessed over and harped on, detached from whatever reason they weren't there...and I felt so free and at peace. The less I try to control, the happier I am.
Now, the boundary setting comes in. My time on a Sunday is valuable, and I set aside this time for fun and fellowship. Here is where I can talk to my friends and say, "My time is valuable and when I set aside time to spend with you, and you do not show up, nor call to tell me you won't be there, I feel disrespected and unimportant. IF you stand me up for bowling again, I will choose to find another bowling group."
This is done without anger or drama. To get emotional over it is to give them control over my feelings. It is said plainly and matter of fact. Then, we move on. Have fun. Enjoy our day. But if they stand me up again, I must follow through with the boundary I have set into place. Easier said than done for this codependent, but important! For if we do not say what we mean and mean what we say, we will not respect ourselves and no one will respect us. We build self esteem by doing esteemable acts. Respecting ourselves is an esteemable act.
Thank you for your share Heather. It felt good to read. I set a boundary yesterday, something I find so hard to do, but I managed to do it clearly and assertively, without my throat clenching or panicking. It felt so good. :)
I've been having difficulty understanding the difference between behaviour modification and setting boundaries again and came back and read through this share again. Thanks for posting it Linbaba. I noticed the phrase "gaslighting" and looked it up and scared the doodaas off myself. I've never heard of gaslighting before, but having looked it up and read around it for a while online I can see that it is a common pattern throughout my life. One of my parents gaslighted. a relative gaslights now. My ex-husband gaslighted in the extreme, so much so that I doubted my own version of events because he was able to look me in the eye and tell me that I was wrong about my memory of something. He was so convincing that I completely doubted myself. By the end of our marriage I believed that up was down and down was up. Very frightening. What is even more upsetting is that I have gaslighted my partner without realising that's what I was doing, and he has gaslighted me.
I have been changing how I do things in my relationships, particularly my relationship with my partner. I am finding it difficult to be able to express my feelings and set a boundary without going into behaviour modification, judgement or expectations. I have been taking a look at my part in things in my relationship and trying to learn how to relate better. Sometimes I can do things differently than I've done them in the past, other times, especially when I'm tired, I make a mess of it. I was tired this week and I reacted to something my partner did. I made his behaviour my problem and judged him on it, then told him what I thought of his behaviour and then shouted at him and called him names. It was not good. I found his behaviour very challenging, and I was really tired. I couldn't figure out in my head how to respond appropriately and instead I lost my temper. My partner really lost his temper, did a bit of gaslighting, threw in a bit of swearing for good measure, and we had the mother of all rows.
I feel so disappointed with myself that I behaved the way I did. I feel angry because I gave my partner something to blame me for, something to feel resentful towards me for. He has been expressing resentments towards me for some time, and i have been able to listen and be supportive. Some of the resentments my partner has had towards me have not been about me, and i have been able to not pick them up. This week I picked them up, ran with them ,threw them back at him and blew him a raspberry. I haven't heard from my partner all week. I have made an attempt to contact him and apologise for my part in the argument but he isn't interested in hearing what I have to say. He seems angry with me that I am changing my behavioiur and my responses to him, and it has felt as if he has been trying hard to cause a row with me. I feel angry with myself that I behaved the way I did and gave him a reason to put himself on the victim triangle. I'm angry that after weeks and weeks of being able to do it differently I put myself on the victim triangle and then in an attempt to get myself off it I persecuted my partner and put him on it.
